Do you ever get the feeling that you don't "fit in" quite right? Like, all of a sudden, you feel like you're in a completely foreign country and you're almost there--almost a piece of the puzzle--but there's just one edge that's malformed and doesn't fit anywhere?
When I started my current job I felt completely out of place. I was a circle amidst a crowd of squares, searching for a circle like me. These days I feel like some circle/square hybrid. I don't seem to fit in with the circles or the squares. I like most of my coworkers about as much as anyone can truly "like" a coworker. I get along with all of them and some I find infinitely amusing. But none of them would be people I'd hang out with or invite over for a discussion about Nietzche over dinner. Okay, I don't think I'd even be able to carry on that discussion for very long. But I digress.
Work I can deal with. Work is work. Most conversations don't pass beyond that oh-so-familiar "how's it going?" barrier. I'm easy-going and can get along with most anyone so whether others feel I don't fit in is undetermined. No, work is fine. But my friends are another issue entirely.
See, I don't really see any of my friends regularly. Of the two groups of friends I have, I see people from group A maybe once every six months. The other group I tend to see most of them once a week for lunch...for, like, an hour. There are issues there that I will not bore you with. Suffice it to say "pulling teeth" or "trying to get elephants to mate" are good descriptors.
So, because of all this, I don't really feel I fit in with any of them much anymore. Sure, we share some of the same hobbies or interests but only on a fundamentally shallow level. And because I don't interact much with them beyond the e-mail paradigm I get used to not being with them in person. I find that I have almost no desire to do this anymore. Part of me is saddened and then the other part is "meh".
See, my childhood was much like that of an only child. I have a sister but we didn't really do that much in the way of playing as siblings. And, due to several moves, I couldn't really get friend connections to grow very easily. Though I still remember my first real friend in kindergarten. I went up to a random boy and said "Hey, would you be my friend?" He said "yes" and we were inseparable...well, until I moved again. Thank you, Donald. I still consider you a friend wherever you are. Tell your brother to stop shooting toy guns at us.
And just recently I have learned an important lesson. You can determine the measure of a friend very easily. True friends respond with concern when you tell them to go to Hell. The others all simply say "no, you".
But I know I fit in at least one place--my family. They put up with me and even love me. I can't ask for more than that. And, for now, that's enough for me--I'm fine with that. I'm sure the rest will all fall into place eventually.
Maa aaa aaaaps