Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Planet Fail, We Have Arrived

Indiana, you have officially been placed in the "Fail" column of a chart somewhere, probably in the Pentagon (sorry Heidi but you, like JM, probably don't read this blog anyway). And I shall now outline all of the reasons for which you suck. Some are you fault; others are not. But I lay the blame squarely on you since everything fell within your lame borders. You are a fresh turd, baking in the sun, left to whiten and crumble. Know thy place, you!

Okay, so let's begin, shall we?

  1. First of all, your time zone fails. Eastern Standard Time is no good. Get rid of it. Seriously, do it. And while we're on the subject, make up your damn mind--EST or CST? Not both. I don't enjoy traveling around the state and trying for 10 minutes just to figure out what freaking time zone I'm in.
  2. Your roads fail. Half the time they are damn-near illogical and unintelligible. The other half of the time, they are TOTALLY illogical and unintelligible. They change names more than Prince. Nay good sir, they change names more than John Cougar IG-88 Mellancamp Fong. Straighten them out, dammit. 'Nuff said.
  3. Speaking of John (etc. etc.) Mellancamp, there are no good radio stations in Indiana. I mean, there is a Jack station, and that's "okay" but good radio does not that make (or something). There is more to radio than Country, pop, Country, Country, College Radio, Country, and .
  4. And another related is your fault that my iPod ran out of juice. Yes, your fault. Your roads go on way too long. And without said iPod, I'm stuck listening to the smelly, wretched drivel that you call "radio."
  5. Ooh, not only do your roads fail, your road CONSTRUCTION is EPIC fail. Wait, no. That doesn't do it justice. Your road construction is Mega Kaiju World-Eating "Batman & Robin and Clone Wars Have a Baby" Super Epic Fail. If you are going to completely close a thoroughfare (especially one that *I* have to use) make sure you give me an F'ing detour. Road Construction Fail. Seriously, WTF? I showed you, though. I blasted through your "construction zone" and made it out alive. In your face.
  6. I don't know how you did it, but somehow you crashed my backup hard drive. I don't know if you paid it to fail or just bullied it into submission, but that was totally uncalled for. I'd just like to know why you did that. It hurt.
  7. You also somehow bribed Microsoft Streets & Trips so that it would give me phony directions. For shame. How low will you stoop, Indiana? How low? What did I ever do to you? I say this because no piece of software could possibly be so poorly programmed as to tell me to turn left...on a dead end...with no turns. Good job. You did it well!
  8. Also, why the hell is "Sex and the City" on every other channel constantly? What is up with that? Is every inhabitant of Indiana a woman? Or someone who wants to be a woman? Ooh, wait, Transformers is on! I *might* forgive you...but I doubt it.
  9. Your Burger Kings fail. They close before 10:00 but the drive-through is still I have to get back in my damn car just to get food I don't really want, but eat anyway because it's the only choice? I know you delayed me so it would be too late to go to that Texas Roadhouse across the street. Instead you leave me with a huge pile of sloppy crap you call a "Fully Loaded Steakhouse Burger". Yuck! Do you know what *I* call it? I'll write it down in a little note and pass it to you if you want to know. Also, do you like me? Yes O No O.
  10. And back to the road just had to throw in that last little bit right before the hotel, didn't you? Oh, you're so funny.

So here would be the short list of things I've learned today.

  1. Don't let your iPod run out of juice...ever. Do whatever you have to do. If this means sucking on a 9-volt battery and hooking the iPod up to your ass, do it.
  2. Whatever you do...if you invent something and want to put it on a roadsign, do NOT call it "Corn Hole Games." You should know better. Disturbing? Yes. Hilarious? Also yes.
  3. Cops that follow you down the highway are usually bad. Cops that follow you down the highway while you're doing 80 (in a 50) and don't pull you over? That's good...very very good. Indiana may suck but its cops are top-notch!
  4. Wasting food is bad. Wasting a Burger King Steakhouse Burger (TM) does not count...for that piece of crap does not qualify as "food". Feces squeezed from the bowels of depravity, yes. Food? Not even close.
  5. Always be prepared to reverse polarity, reroute the plasma flow back through the plasma conduits, divert to the dilithium crystals, and drink a bottle of scotch. The scotch is key, here.
  6. When stuck on a long drive without my iPod I have been known to listen to (and sing along with) almost anything. Almost.

I kissed a girl and I liked it
Hope my boyfriend don't mind it


Brian Q. said...

Man, you sure like to say Fail a lot lately.

And how can you say anything bad about the BK Fully Loaded Steakhouse burger? I mean, it may be a huge pile of sloppy crap, but it is NOT ... wait, what else did you call it?

Anyway, it is the spiritual descendant of the Big Mac to the DQ Ultimate Burger to the Baconator, and now to the FLSHB. They could improve it by adding two fried eggs and a stick of butter, but it's very close to perfection. The imitation mashed potato spread (may not contain actual potatoes) is what makes it.

- Brian Q.

Clefton Twain said...

"Imitation mashed potato spread"? THAT's what that was?

I think my heart just exploded.