Monday, September 22, 2008

Holy Artifacts, Batman!

So last night I "acquired" (read, was forced to take home) two boxes full of random junk from my father's house. I had no previous knowledge of what was in these boxes, only that it was, at one time, my crap. What miracles would these boxes hold? Hidden treasures? Gems of a finer time? My long lost Voltron? Nay...more like detritus cast overboard from a sinking ship to become flotsam floating in the current of the years.

Let me give you a little taste of what I found in these age-old cardboard storage cubes...and maybe a little insight into my childhood.

In one box was purely junk. There were manuals to all my Game Boy (yes, the original Game Boy) games. I've had the Game Boy with me all along. It still works. There were little rubber frisbee-like discs of various colors...each with the name of one of many popular, sugar-laden cereals on it. Also included was a small leaflet entitled "how to use a condom." Yep...nice, huh? I can only guess I got some of this crap in college when some association or another handed out small goodie boxes (and by "goodies", I mean tiny deoderant sticks, a granola bar, and a pamphlet on how to use a condom). This just shows how much of a packrat I can be.

I also found a small toy weapon that apparently attached to some transformer or other toy that apparently no longer exists. I bet that gun has been looking for its long-lost counterpart, only to have its hopes dashed years later. There was also a toy air-powered gun that shoots little soft rubber things (like, you squeeze it and the little rubber thing pops off, shoots across the room, and is never seen ever again). Then there were also a few various cables--mostly RCA cables for a stereo. I think I now have about 102 sets of those...100 of which are unused. Next time I need one, will I remember my stash? Nope.

So that was the small box. But the other box...yes, the other box was a treasure trove of even more confusion, nostalgia, fun, and a little nausea (thrown in for more fun). Inside this box was my old Godzilla toy! Yes, this bad boy stands at least two feet tall and has a lever you push down to make him breathe fire! (disclaimer: Toy does not actually breathe fire). But the thing that always perplexed me--you can push a button and his hand shoots off! This poses so many questions!

In addition to ol' Gojira, I found all my old Stompers--yes, little cars that ran on batteries and only moved forward. But they were apparently rough and tough and could climb over things. I also found my old Bigfoot toy (same thing as a Stomper but much larger and had different "gears"). Each of these toys still has a copious amount of crusted mud on its tires. Bonus! I also found a few toy dinosaurs and some toy horses. Now why I had toy horses, I really have no idea. But I did. I promptly gave them to the girls who have played with them all day. They have each named the horses different things. But my favorite name is "Prince Cinnamon Boots."

Also, several rubber snakes were found along with some paintballs and six CO2 cartridges. I bet you can guess what I am going to do next time I'm bored! (what I really want to do is try to pass off the paintballs as gumballs at work...bad me.)

Now, most of the stuff is easily explained--even the condom pamphlet (can't we get beyond Pamphlet Dome??). But the next item is definitely a mystery. It is a small, book-like apparatus with a record (yes, a record!!) inside it. In addition, it has a drawing of a little (very cartoony) child who has those colorform-type pieces of clothing. And the record is about potty training! I remember nothing about this item nor did I ever "play" with it. So WTF do I have it? Good question. Very good question. I'm guessing my mother schlepped it off on me so that she didn't have to have it in storage (Heaven forbid she actually *gasp* throws it away!! Wait, I don't throw anything away either...who am I to talk?) In fact, I think I crammed it back in the box, still not throwing it away. Go figure.

That's a really strange trip down memory lane, that's for sure. Just in case you were bored, and wondering why you actually read this whole entry, I now reward you with a funny picture a friend sent me today:




This song is just six words long

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