Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Decision '08

Alright, here's the deal. We have all heard the issues, seen the debates, and watched some random wandering and negativity. But I'm here to address an important issue which neither candidate has yet to even remotely mention. It's not health care, the economy, or the state of the singing lemurs of Madagascar. No, I am talking about the issue of powerups. Yes, powerups--something which this country is seriously lacking.

When I'm driving to work in the morning and some primitive screwhead cuts me off, there's no weapons powerup for me to get even! And there's certainly no speed powerup for me to utilize to get ahead of him again. Where are my powerups??

Likewise, when I come into work really late (probably because of the aforementioned driver) I could really use an active camo powerup so that I can briefly turn invisible and sneak past my boss's office. But nooooo, that would be too easy, wouldn't it? And if I were to punch a guy, knocking him out, why doesn't his body turn into gold coins, or why doesn't he drop yummy food for me to eat and recharge?

See, this is what I'm talking about. Did you know that almost every other country is vastly ahead of the US when it comes to powerups? It's true. Sure, they will all look at you funny and tell you you're crazy but they know...trust me, they know. They're hiding it from you. In fact, they probably used their holographic powerup to distract you, and you're talking to an illusion! Sneaky bastards.

So please take this major issue into account when you vote in November. If you're not a US citizen...well, enjoy your stinking powerups, jerkfaces!

They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me

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