Monday, January 12, 2009

The Bottom of the Random

First off, I just have to mention how cool I think it is that my daughter, who turned six on Saturday, requested sushi for her birthday dinner...and she ate a lot of it.

So anyone who has watched the Scifi channel knows that they throw up some pretty bad movies. Like, literally, they're throwing dog crap at a wall in an effort to get some of it to stick. It rarely does. But K and I, for some reason, are drawn like little sadistic moths to the flame when it comes to these offerings. Our friendship was built on crappy movies, and that tradition continues through to our marriage. So we usually watch the Scifi Saturday movie every week--it is the most dangerous night on TV, you know.

Most of the time we find them to be entertaining. Sometimes they are boring and, on a couple of occasions, they have been downright incomprehensible and we turn off the TV and say "wtf just happened in the last two hours?" (watch "Death Tunnel" if you want to experience this).

This last weekend was Ginger Snaps: Unleashed--apparently a sequel to the original Ginger Snaps. Seeing as though the first movie was apparently about a girl named Ginger, the first movie has a fitting title. But the sequel has to do with her sister, Brigette, so I'm thinking they should have called it something like Brigette Goes Apeshit or Brigette Breaks. Even those suck rocks, though.

So the first movie, Ginger Snaps was about a girl who is slowly turning into a werewolf. We either saw only part of the first movie and don't remember it or we didn't watch it at all. If the sequel is any indication, our time was better spent beating ourselves over the head with live fish.

Ginger Snaps: Unleashed is about Ginger's sister, Brigette, who also has contracted lycanthropy ("werewolfism" for all you non-D&D nerds out there). She ends up in a mental institution, meets a sleazy orderly, and has a few run-ins with a very bizarre, creepy little girl who seems to be into the occult. Not the best premise in the world but certainly not the worst...except that NOTHING HAPPENS FOR THE FIRST HOUR!! There is virtually no body count for the first hour unless you count the dog. But I hear he abused children, so I'm sure he had it coming anyway.

The little girl turns out to be a psychotic, manipulative little snot who set her own grandmother on fire and framed the sleazy orderly (resulting in his gruesome, yet unseen death). In the end, she doublecrosses Brigette but doesn't kill her. Instead, she keeps her as a pet. So, um, yeah...really strange movie. Let's do a rundown, shall we?

In the spirit of JoeBob Briggs' Monstervision:

Mutilated Dog Heads: 1
Creepy, Brace-Faced Girls: 1
Crappy Special Effects: Too many to count
Taboo Sex Scenes: 1/2 (you only see them finishing getting dressed)
Dysfunctional Group Therapy Sessions: 1
Escapes Through Impossibly Large Air Vents: 1
Floor-Licking: 1
Burnt Grandmas in Full Body Casts: 1
Shotgun-Fu: 2
Exploding Scarecrow-Fu: 1
2 1/2 Stars (out of 5).

1 comment:

KPiep said...

Excellent Review, my dear!