So, for the first time, I helped my daughter with her homework recently. I found it a bit odd...she's six, in kindergarten. I remember kindergarten. Homework? In kindergarten? When I was in kindergarten (stop laughing, it was a long time ago, but there were no dinosaurs, smartass) we didn't have homework. We didn't actually learn much. We watched filmstrips, played with things like magnets, and continued learning to work together and share things...and I'm pretty sure there were graham crackers involved. Crazy. But I bet if we did have homework in kindergarten, I would've waited until the last minute to do it, then made up some lame excuse as to why it didn't actually get done. Oh, not that I ever did that...it's all theomoreticalistic.
This week's SciFi Channel offering was "The Immortal Voyage of Captain Drake". The very title of this one spoke to me...it said "Steer away from what is sure to be a stinky turd left out to steam in the cold January morning and eventually turn white, to be eaten by a passing dog later on." Well, maybe the title didn't say exactly that...but it's still pretty accurate...and leaves no doubt whatsoever.
I really, truly, should have listened to my conscience. Instead, I indeed viewed a goodly portion of this film, starring Adrian Paul (Duncan McCloud of the clan of Suck). Stupid me. So basically Drake is competing against his Spanish counterpart to aimlessly travel across the ocean and F-up every piece of mythology from every culture ever. Their ultimate goal is to find the Tree of Life or the Tomato Plant of Bunyon Removal or somesuch. To do this, they have to find Plato's Map, fight a kraken, turn left at the Lost City of Atlantis, and they even find the Tree of Knowledge! Too bad they didn't discover Lincoln's gold, or Paris Hilton's virginity! That would have truly been amazing.
So I thought it would have just the right amount of cheese to be funny...you know, not take itself seriously? It didn't take itself seriously but, as it turns out, this made it suck even more!
Now, I'm so obviously a parent. At one point in this sorry excuse for a flick, one of the dudes yells "Come on, vamanos!" I looked at K and burst into song with "Everybody let's go! Come on let's get to it, I know that we can do it!" What would have killed me is if one of the other dudes had said these lines as serious dialogue. That would've been priceless.
I'd tell you more about the movie but, at some point, K and I got bored and wandered into traffic. We're totally fine, but that lightpost is never going to be the same again.
So I guess my JoeBob's Drive-in Totals are going to be a bit skewed, having missed 30 minutes of the movie (as well as those parts we missed because we chose to watch "Celebrity Rehab Presents: Soberhouse".
Bad CGI Castles: 1
Skeletal Femurs Fondled: 1
Chicks Losing Clothes While Rappeling Down a Castle Wall: 1 (more of this might have made the movie better)
Hector Elizondo Look-Alikes: 1/2
Dora References: 1
Bad Accents: All of them
Cannonball-Fu: About 200,000
1 1/2 stars
You're a day-glow pteradactyl