Monday, January 26, 2009

There's a Pattern

So I'm Sitting Here (TM), in my chair drinking coffee. The coffee tastes like pee but I'm drinking it because it's nice and hot. And it's so, so cold outside. So we have now learned that hot pee on a cold morning is awesome, even though it's hot pee.

I couldn't actually bring myself to watch the entirety of any SciFi movie this weekend. Mayhaps it was a short attention span, or the movies sucked or...well, that's probably it. I skipped them completely on Saturday but Sunday...Sunday was special. It was DINOSAUR DAY!! And, oh, was it bad. It wasn't "pinned under the tires of an 18-wheeler" bad. But it was "Uwe Boll might have been able to do better" bad. Movies as deliciously bad as these have a special place in the film industry--somewhere between the bathroom and the dumpster at a local eatery. They are usually devoid of any actual substance but, for some reason, I am unable to pry my poor eyes away.

But I still did not watch any of them in their entirety. I watched bits of several, however, and I've come to the conclusion that, should I ever become unemployed, I can probably whip up a movie with my camcorder and some toy dinosaurs and probably come out with something better! To make a good retarded-but-entertaining dinosaur movie for the SciFi channel you need only a few supplies, but you must follow a formula.

SUPPLIES NEEDED:
  1. One person willing to wear a crappy rubber dinosaur suit
  2. Stock footage of crappy CGI dinosaurs
  3. A C-average art student to draw in blood spatters whenever said dinosaurs are shot (which doesn't happen very often--more on that later)
  4. Some toy guns, purchased from your local $1 Store
  5. Someone to make sound effects such as "pew pew pew" and "boom!" and "rawr! I'm a dinosaur!"

Yep...those are pretty much all the supplies you need. For a location, I'd suggest a forest. Caves are nice but usually require actual lighting, which drives up the budget.

So we're halfway there already! What? You say we need a script and a plot? Seriously, have you learned nothing?? For your convenience, I have created the "SciFi Dinosaur Movie Builder". That's right, I am a genius.

So here it is--is a listing of qualities that must be used to create a movie of this caliber:

  • Hapless victims trapped on island (or planet), discover dinosaurs.
  • Military expedition team is exploring uncharted territory (under the ocean, island, planet) and encounters dinosaurs.
  • Shady corporation is running experiments. They are either creating dinosaurs for the military or their harmless experiment goes horribly awry. Dinosaurs get loose; much eating ensues.
  • No Matter What, the military is always powerless. Either bullets are useless or the soldiers have the worst aim ever. And it often takes precisely 1,000 direct hits to take down a man-sized dinosaur--but that rarely happens (hence the art student will usually be bored).
  • There is almost always a shady guy or criminal organization getting in the way and messing things up. They always die in the end.
  • Just when the good guys think the situation is the worst possible, there is either a Dinosaur Boss Fight or they find an entire colony of dinosaurs, replete with shopping malls, car dealerships, and "people processing plants" for the sophisticated meat-eater.
  • There will always be several scenes with someone running from a dinosaur, and the dinosaur following the victim, but they will never appear together until the very end. So the victim is just running away from nothing most of the time.
  • Finally, and here's the most important part, there is always at least one hot chick. Usually there is a semi-hot chick soldier, but there is always always always the "hot chick doctor" (or specialist) included with any group. She will, 99% of the time, survive but will also, 99% of the time, do absolutely nothing.

So there yo uhave it--the complete ingredients to making a dinosaur movie that the SciFi network will instantly snatch up. Trust me, you'll make millions.

After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts

No comments: