Friday, February 13, 2009

Trouble in Suburbia

Okay, let's say that I am the president of my neighborhood's Homeowner's Association. We'll say that because, well, I am. Please allow me some exposition; it might help the situation make more sense later, if you read that far and haven't already given up.

So I disdain the actual existence of Homeowners' Associations (hereby known as HOAs) and Neighborhood Associations (hereby known as, um, ASSes, simply because I wanted to work that in). I really, truly hate them. I don't think it is anyone else's business what I do with my house. If they don't like it, they can go crying to mom until she gives them a popsicle and lets them watch a movie. Why does that sound familiar?...anyway, I really think HOAs and ASSes are poopy. (cwatididthar?)

So I joined the board. I figured I could keep our HOA honest if I was working from the inside. I don't care what color your mailbox is or how many shrubs you have in front of you house. Those things are not important...to anyone as far as I can tell. I've never heard anyone complain...about the couple of dead or missing bushes in front of our house anyway...ahem.

Almost done with my second year I have come to learn that I don't really hate HOAs and ASSes (have you giggled yet?) It's not the organizations I hate...it's the stupid bastards who make those organizations a necessity. It's the primitive screwheads who go above and beyond to do completely asinine things that irritate the rest of us. It's the drones who decide having something like a toilet or tires sitting in the front yard for months is a good idea (no, this hasn't happened in our neighborhood). I mean, sure, who doesn't get the urge to poop while cutting the front lawn? Am I right?

So let's say a neighbor constructs...a giant metal elephant in their front yard but doesn't pass the plans through the HOA to make sure it meets the covenants and restrictions (a fancy way of saying "Don't be stupid, fool!"). So they build a metal elephant which leads to many MANY complaints from neighbors. But the elephant is a necessity to...um...scare away the grues who want to eat the homeowners. They can't replace it with anything that looks nicer because the grues would not be scared (thus defeating the purpose; also, they can't afford it) and they can't get rid of it, but there are a lot of angry neighbors who want it gone. So what do you do?

Yeah. Hi. I'm the poor slob who got to talk to the homeowner and try to work things out (the elephant is not an elephant, mind you). I definitely understand the plight of the homeowner but, conversely, they didn't consult the board, thereby avoiding the disaster in the first place. It's a little more complicated than I made it out to be but I think it's going to end up in court--exactly the type of thing I disdain. If this was something stupid like "you don't have enough bricks built into the front of your house" I would totally look the other way and not give a greasy rat's behind. But it's not. People feel that it is affecting their property values etc. And if we ignore these homeowners for the happiness of one homeowner, I don't feel we're doing anyone justice.

This situation could go on for a while. Hopefully it'll be something I won't have to watch on a day-to-day basis.

Low man is due

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