Saturday, February 28, 2009

Weak

So today was probably our last chance to get snow. All of the weather forecasters were calling for 1-3 inches of the flaky white substance that we have essentially seen none of the entire winter. I was hoping for enough to take G sledding. My skeptical side told me that they were full of shit. My other side...oh, wait, I have no other side.

Sometimes I hate being right. It doesn't happen often--nay, it happens rarely. This was one of those rare occurrences. We got snow...if you can imagine Frosty the Snowman shaking off some dandruff. Yeah, that's what we got. Frosty shook his freaking head and we got what fell off. My theory is that weather forecasters are wrong 50% of the time in summer. When it's winter, they are wrong 85% of the time. I have yet to see evidence to sway such an opinion.

So no sledding, no snow forts, no snowballs. I feel like winter purposely ripped us off. Of course, we got a torrential downpour yesterday that flooded part of our back yard. I saw several animals in pairs floating down a creek in a boat. Not sure exactly what the world was trying to tell me. When H's and O's combine in that capacity, it is truly humbling. I can't imagine how much snow it would have actually amounted to. Probably somewhere around the "epic proportions" area.

And now, onto something slightly more interesting:

SciFi Pictures Presents: Anacondas: Trail of Blood

So it was "Snake Day" on the SciFi network today, building up to a crescendo that was Anacondas. This movie seems to be a sequel to Anaconda III and actually has a couple of recurring characters (who are played by nobodies). SciFi has, once again, wheeled out John Rhys-Davies to "star" in yet another movie. He had a career at one point but he must have signed a long-term contract with SciFi and wasn't able to get out of it, short of killing himself and having his body parts shipped to Costa Rica (because SciFi could probably bring him back as a zombie actor to star in Octopus 15).

When the movie started, K and I were quite confused as to exactly who the hell were all these people? This movie started out with more characters from totally different groups than any other movie SciFi has pumped out. After trying to figure it out, we categorized them into their own groups (per K): "Hors 'Doerves", "Appetizers", and "Snacks". That seemed to alleviate all confusion and the movie progressed. Much bad CGI and eating ensued.

So basically these bigass, regenerating snakes escaped from a lab in the last movie and the "cute scientist chick" is trying to rectify the problem. Then there is a team of archaeologists...or gravediggers...I'm not sure which. Then there is a random college kid wandering around. Oh, and John Rhys-Davies has hired a dude (who has subsequently hired more dudes) to kill the chick and her now dead partner. Confused yet? It doesn't matter. Most of them bite it...or get bitten--you know what I mean. Also, there's some magical syrum...oh, and a chick gets bitten by a poisonous (but nonlethal) spider which, to our surprise, had no real purpose in the storyline at all! Watching this movie was like trying to watch a Senate hearing...but a Senate hearing has more blood and screaming.

The acting was top-knotch...or about as "top-knotch" as SciFi can provide (which is to say, just above "talking monkey" level). Mostly it consisted of people being shot or stabbed in the arm and somehow being able to use it to lift heavy objects without any pain. On the surface, it would seem that the snake is not the only creature that can regenerate. But, alas, it was just crappy writing and "acting".

So we get about halfway through and the movie turns pretty interesting! I was surprised. See, there's this ring, and these two short dudes are trying to get rid of it. Then some scabby, bunion-covered guys attack a citadel and...oh, wait, that was The Two Towers. Heh. Sorry. We flipped back and forth so we could see the battle at Helm's Deep. That movie rocks.

There really isn't much else to tell. The bad guys all lose, most of the good guys lose, and the snake is killed. And then, at the very end...we see...ANOTHER GIANT SNAKE!! NOOOOO!!! Are you surprised? Me neither. I'm sure "Anaconda 6: The Suckening" will really be even better! The one burning question I had--why did John Rhys-Davies hire such a nOOb to kill one dude and one chick? This idiot hired a team of FOUR OTHER PEOPLE just to take out two scientists. Clearly, he fails at his job. He also failed at staying alive.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:

Giant Snakes: 3 (I think...maybe more. Dammit, I lost count!)
Misleading Spider Bites: 1
Useless Chicks Who Can't Do Anything Without a Man Present: 1
Guns: Way too many for scientists
Disembodied Arms: 1
CGI That Looked Like Action Figures: 1
Hobbits: 4 (wait, how'd that get in there?)
Pocket Knife-Fu
Gas Can-Fu
Head Exploding
Body-ripping
Bone Cancer

3 Stars

I'll show you a cop, falls asleep on the job

No comments: