Monday, March 30, 2009

This Space Left Intentionally Blank

I had something specific to ramble about today, I really did. But, as luck would have it, I have completely forgotten that which I would have discussed. So now I think I am clear to gripe about my day! Consider yourself lucky, as you can regail in my wondrous exposition of "International Fail Day".

Today is one of those days...yes, one of those days--the kind where I have to do everything at least twice (sometimes three or four times) to get it right. Failed tasks can range anywhere from turning on a lightswitch to imaging a computer. They run the full gamut. And the errors are no less predictable. Sometimes they even involve a small injury! I attribute part of it to lack of caffeine.

Alright, with that out of the way...

SciFi Pictures Originals Presents: Polar Storm

So this one stars Jack Coleman, aka Horn-Rimmed-Glasses Guy from Heroes, aka Noah Bennett. Now, I'm not sure if he jumped onboard this movie before he got work in Heroes or after Heroes went down the crapper but, either way, it may have actually helped his career! No, I'm not saying this movie was so good that he benefitted. I'm saying that it's that much better than the 2nd and 3rd seasons of Heroes that his career benefitted. Ya, they suck, and stop saying otherwise. No U!

So...wow, I can't even remember the name of Jack Coleman's character. Seriously, that says something either about my memory or the movie. Since I am unwilling to admit any further memory degradation, I blame the movie. So, from now on, we'll call him...Charles Longduckdong.

So Charles Long...er...Charles is this government-contracted astrophysicist. He's married to his son's teacher which causes a whole bunch of turmoil that really isn't important. What is important is that Charles predicts that part of a passing comet will hit Earth...and it does. Even though he is very close to the point of impact, he survives...though his poor, nameless lackey does not. He's now somewhere up in astrophysicist lackey heaven, looking down, cursing at Charles for insisting they see the impact first hand.

So now this comet chunk apparently has thrown off the Earth's axis and magnetic field, which will be gone in 48 hours. ICARUMBA!! The rest of the movie consists of Charles trying to correct stupid government mistakes while finding a way to restore the Earth's magnetic field so the entire populace doesn't turn into overcooked bacon snacks. I personally hoped he'd just hole up in a cave somewhere and wait for the zombie apocalypse. Maybe he would have seen his little dead lackey again! Ah, the reunion! It would bring a tear to my eye...if I cared.

The greatest part of this movie is when they kept filming someone's car pulling over to the side of the road. The reason it's funny is because it was the same place every time!! You'd think this town only had one road and one place to pull over.

Somewhere during all of this, his wife and son get into numerous bad situations, save a couple of people, let one of them die, get carjacked, and generally run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Charles teams up with his estranged father and combat the global demagnetization. What's their solution, you ask?

Yep...in a SciFi movie, the answer is always either "shoot it with guns" or "blow it up." In this case, they need to take a diesel submarine down into some really deep rift in the ocean and launch two nuclear torpedos into it. Because the rift is exactly opposite the impact site, this will restore Earth's access and repair its magnetic field. I like my solution better--throw a buttload of magnets up into the air and run. Then hunker down and shoot any zombies I see. Either that or just surf for porn until the zombies come a'knockin'.

And now, your Drive-In Totals:
Bad father-son relationships: 2
Hot teachers/stepmothers: 1
Unresolved "my father is now dead" girlfriend plotlines: 1
Really bizarre theories on comets and magnetic fields: 100 (this is conservative)
Number of times I thought of "Save the cheerleader, save the world": 15
Nuclear warhead-fu: 2
EMP-fu: 6
Heart attacks
Visible EMP action
Swallowed cars

3 stars

Lonely things like nights I find end finer with a friend.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Reasons Why I am a Freak

  1. My hair, fingernails, and toenails grow freakishly fast.
  2. I take the longest, strangest routes to my destination unintentionally.
  3. I have a theory that smaller tastes better--Examples include: cupcakes taste better than regular cake and tiny M&Ms taste better than larger ones.
  4. I disdain the telephone. It's almost painful to use it.
  5. I have monkey-like feet and can pick up many objects with them.
  6. I would eat Hot Wings for every meal if I could.
  7. I like to drink pickle brine.
  8. I've eaten a Pounce cat treat.
  9. I like to climb things.
  10. I have freakishly strong legs, but little stick-man arms.
  11. I have one really long hair that grows out of my left, otherwise hairless, shoulder.
  12. I can touch my nose with my tongue.
  13. I can look at my watch or a calendar, on my birthday, to see what date it is, then promptly forget what I just discovered.
  14. I have curbstomped a vacuum cleaner into oblivion.
  15. I could ingest the world's most toxic substances and feel no ill effects, but one trip to Long John Silvers sends my stomach into fits of agony.
  16. I can move my nostrils at will.
  17. My right pinky toe can move independently of all other toes.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. I believe there are plenty more but I might crash the server.

I've got a pantheon of animals and a pagan soul

Monday, March 23, 2009

For Every Friday, There is an Equal and Opposite Monday

I find myself hoping for rain. I need more of it so that all the crap I've thrown into the garden will pack down and rot. I figure I have about four more weeks, at the most, until I have to plant all of the goodness. This is a task which daunts me somewhat. Sure, I got everything to grow. Now I have to thin out the "crops" (as I like to call them even though I'm no farmer) and plant them in bigger pots. But I feel this is wasteful. I want to plant ALL my veggie-children! I have already resolved that there are a few veggies I will try to plant all of. The artichokes and onions are just two of these lucky contestants. Not really sure how I'll do this without destroying the root systems when I pluck them out to replant them. It will have to be done with care.

Overall, I am very psyched about the garden. I am not, however, psyched about pulling weeds etc. So I hope the hay and leaves I've used as mulch will choke out the weeds and grass. Otherwise, it could be a very long summer. And I don't much like summer to begin with. Well, I don't really have anything particular against summer...except for the yardwork...and the heat...then there's the humidity...okay, so I guess I don't like summer. Wait, Independence Day is nice.

I don't follow xkcd very religiously. But every so often there is a comic which either drives me to psychotic fits of laughter or just rings very true. I submit to you, this one: http://www.xkcd.com/557/. K and I were just discussing this very fact (though we were talking more about forgetting your class schedule). It's funny how one can still have nightmares about this after years have passed.


SciFi Saturday Movie: "I Am Omega"

Okay, so it's either a sad commentary on my memory or the movie when I can't actually remember what SciFi movie we watched. I had to think hard for a good minute or so until my brain finally kicked in. I kept thinking it was "Spring Break Shark Attack" but that was Sunday's movie...and it sucked...bad. So I'm not even considering it for a review.

So the Saturday movie was I am Omega. First of all, I have to state that I definitely liked this movie better when it was called I am Legend. Of course, that movie about as enjoyable for me as giving a cat an enema in the middle of a tornado. So I'll go one step further and say that both these movies were better when they were called The Omega Man. That's not to say they are exact replicas of each other, so we'll just say they are triplets separated at birth, with the first one being a creative, decent person, and the other two being slack-jawed buffoons trying to find their asses with both hands but failing miserably.

So I am Omega follows the solitary life of a poor slob named Richard. We only get a hint of what happened but it seems the military went all nutjob and created some sort of bio weapon...AGAIN. This mutagen apparently turns people into psychotic, deformed killers. Also, it apparently makes them really really stupid--like "I'm going to argue with Jon Stewart because he made fun of me" stupid. As a side note: don't ever get into a war on TV with Jon Stewart. You will lose, I assure you.

So Richard's wife and child were killed by one of these "zombies", blah blah. The first 45 minutes of this movie has next to NO dialogue and is boring as watching flies...er...procreate. I found myself wanting to gouge out my eyes and run around the room screaming nonsensical gibberish. But that's an urge I constantly have to fight; this movie just exacerbated it. But I digress. Richard is an antisocial dude holed up in a heavily-fortified house. He is apparently a martial arts badass and owns some guns. Every once in a while, a few zombies skulk around his house and he dispatches them. Then he finds out there is a chick in town who needs help. We never actually get confirmation if he thinks he is the last man alive but the movie doesn't seem to care.

Anyway, a couple of sleazy dudes show up in a van and say they know all about him (no idea how) and convince him (by blowing up his house) to help them rescue the girl who apparently is immune to infection. Incompetency and inconsistencies ensue, the dudes turn out to be bad guys, there are a couple of fights, Richard gets the girl, and they head to a safe place in the mountains where other survivors are holed up. The end.

You should thank me. Now you don't have to see this movie. What? You think it could be more interesting than the way I presented it? You're a fool. Oh, wait. Did I mention that Richard somehow manages to plant enough explosives to blow up an entire city?? Are you with me yet?

So I guess I should get to the Drive-in Totals:
Exploding heads: Lots
Bad manners
The same two zombies over and over again
Chain-Fu
Pipe-Fu
Times I wanted to kill myself: 25
Ah, screw it. It wasn't interesting enough to make me remember anything. It was "lobotomy-bad"

2 stars.

Why does it happen? Because it happens.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Green Porno!!

It astounds me that I have not shared the wonder and merriment that is Green Porno with you. For you truly have not lived (or laughed, or maybe even cried) until you've seen Isabella Rosselinni in her best role yet--a snail! Or, wait, the bee might be better...I dunno, you decide! And after you're done laughing, take the quiz!

Green Porno

Seriously, go watch it. You won't be sorry.

It's not a race it's a journey

Monday, March 16, 2009

Beware the Sea Beast

The Musaac system here is currently playing Christopher Cross--you know, that song from the movie "Arthur". I'd look up the name of the tune but I'm into not caring. I think my basic point is that I really loathe elevator music. I'm not sure why anyone actually uses it. It's really a useless expense. I am convinced that it is a very subtle way to torture people.

Enough chit-chat.

SciFi Pictures Presents: "Sea Beast"
Always wanted to get the opportunity to follow small-town fishermen during his adventures hunting down a mysterious killer amphibious ocean-dwelling monster? Seriously? Never? Not even just a little bit? Can you humor me just this once? I'm not asking a lot.

So Corin Nemek...I'm sorry, did you say "who"? Right. Well, you may remember him from the Fox series "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" and he also played Jonas Quinn on Stargate: SG-1. Oh, wait, he was also in the SciFi Pictures Original "Mansquito". Still nothing? Okay. Anyway, ol' Corky is a down-on-his-luck fisherdude who loses a crewmember in a mysterious accident, known as "he became monster chow". But nobody really knows this until they start putting 2 and 2 together and getting something close to 4.

See, Sea Beast can camouflage itself, essentially turning it invisible a la a 2nd-rate "Predator". This creature doesn't have guns and armor, however, but it's got a tongue that...okay, not going there. It can grapple people from 30 yards with its tongue. Talk about an awkward first date. Also, it can jump long distances...and did I mention that it can EAT PEOPLE?? Wouldn't be much of a monster if it didn't.

So there's basically your plot. Oh, wait...let me sum up the rest. Sea Beast hitches a ride to the mainland, kills people. Sea Beast travels to an island, kills people. Sea Beast hangs out in a bar watching the hockey game...kills people. Starting to see a pattern? There are also some teenagers who steal away secretly to Corky's cabin on a remote island and get into trouble.

Now we all know, in SciFi Pictures movies, that there is always some twist that throws a wrench into the works. In movies involving a supernatural terror, such as this one, it is 99% of the time EGGS! No!! The creature has laid hundreds of eggs!! This movie is no different. Also, there are about 15 baby sea beasts that wreak havoc. Also, did I mention that Corky's daughter is a level 15 warrior with a 20 Strength? Seriously, she kills more of these baby sea beasts than anyone else. And she does it with a handbag and a pencil.

The movie itself wasn't so bad. I mean, it was bad, but not bad bad. The CGI for ol' Beasty wasn't bad, but the CGI for the opening scene in a storm on the water was deplorable. When you can't make water look real, you need to remove yourself from the CGI profession. Also, that was the only "real" ocean we ever see. The rest of the movie had to have been shot on the shores of some secluded lake in Canada. Wherever it was, it was definitely not the ocean. And I could never figure out who was where. At one point, the local sheriff (Corky the fisherman's brother) leads a posse out to hunt the beast. I couldn't tell where they actually were--island? Mainland? Disneyland? Also, the posse bites it...hard...but they always do.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Dismembered Limbs: 1
Guts: 34 1/2
Local Town Drunks Reenacting "Predator": 1
Hot Scientist Chick: 1
Electroshock Therapy: 1
Tongue-Fu
Harpoon-Fu
Acetylene-Fu
Exploding Boats
Beheadings

3 stars

Don't waste your time

Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Review of Halo Wars

I don't know if I should do game reviews or not. I don't consider myself a gaming snob but I do play a lot of video games--a fact which my wife can confirm while rolling her eyes. But I am usually pretty picky about the games I play. These days, with the cost of a PC game hovering around $40 - $50 and the price of an Xbox 360 game being batshit crazy ($60+), I can't really afford to go apeshit and gobble up every game that comes down the pipe. At one point, I am pretty certain I did just that. But then my voice started cracking and I discovered girls. That was yesterday.

My most recent purchase is Halo Wars. I gotta say that I was on the fence about buying this game. In fact, after having played through a good portion of it, I am still on the fence. It's a mighty big fence, my friend. See, I am an avid lover of the Halo series. I don't necessarily think it is the best game ever (that title might still be held by Civilization II or IV) but it is thoroughly well done and immersive, partially because of the community and the rich universe that Bungie (the makers of the Halo series) have created. There are Halo books, graphic novels, and all kinds of other resources to enrich the Halo experience. And there are also plenty of "Aha!" moments (or, more appropriately, "Holy Shit!" moments) to keep the player on his or her toes.
The box art is cool, but how's the game?

But Halo Wars is a bit different. It's not a first-person shooter. It's a real-time strategy (RTS). I happen to love RTS games. I'm an avid fan of Warcraft, Starcraft and, Age of Mythology (created by Ensemble who also made Halo Wars--their last endeavor before being shut down). I played the demo and was lukewarm. I saw nothing in particular wrong with the game--it was indeed fun. But it just didn't feel like the RTS games I know and love. At the same time, it was not a Halo game made by Bungie and is not really considered to be official canon for the Halo universe. So it's not what I am used to in a Halo title, and it's also not what I'm used to in an RTS. So where does that leave it?

I broke down and bought it because I had $40 of credit at Best Buy. That is actually a pretty lame reason, if you ask me. Also, the collector's edition came with three new maps for Halo 3 so that tipped the scales. Also a pretty lame reason. Let's just say I bought it on faith.

The game has not disappointed. It is fun. But there is still a part of me that is left unsatisfied, yearning for an experience I have yet to find. Maybe I want to relive the heyday of Age of Mythology or maybe I just want a new, Bungie-made Halo game (that'll come soon enough). The gameplay itself is tight--Ensemble did a great job of adapting an RTS to console controls and the result is fabulous. The graphics are good, but that's not the reason people play RTS games so as long as I'm not left feeling disappointed, the graphics pass. The cutscene videos, however, are brilliant. The images pop! They look incredibly well-done and just make me drool every time I see them. Good thing, too, since the great video makes me overlook the subpar voice acting.

The missions are mostly typical fare--holdout, escort, seek and destroy etc. I doubt there is a whole lot of innovation left in that arena. But they work and are enjoyable. I guess my only complaint in this area is base-building. I'm used to RTS games where you can spread out and build most anywhere. In Halo Wars, you can only build at certain base spots. No more creating a forward base or random turrets to harangue would-be attackers. Base creation and resource gathering are a huge part of RTS games for me and, in Halo Wars, there really is none of either. That makes me a sad panda.

All in all, it is a fun game. If I'd never played an RTS I would probably think it was amazing. Maybe I'm jaded or my expectations are too high. To me, it's neither a true RTS or a true Halo game which puts it somewhere in the middle. I suspect if the word Halo would have been omitted I actually might enjoy it more. But the odds of me having actually bought it would have gone down considerably. So, in the end, Microsoft gets my money, Ensemble closes its doors, and I have a game that will provide fun for a while, but still leaves me hungry for something that doesn't exist.

I'd give it 3 1/2 stars out of 5.

Mother do you think they'll drop the bomb

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Random Activities

I find, lately, that I seem to miss my martial arts days. They are quite distant behind me but I sometimes find myself thinking about them. Unfortunately, martial arts classes are quite expensive and time-consuming, and not really a necessity. I never really felt 100% like I fit in with the class--I'm not big on the structure and militaristic style. I'd survive approximately five minutes in the army before I mouthed off to my superior and got thrown out.

I don't know if anyone would think that I was good or not. I tend to think that I was pretty good at some aspects of martial arts. Memorization was not one of those aspects. But the physical facets--I could do those. Also, I could block someone's foot with my face really well. Many a time I got my ass handed to me, but never by someone of a lower rank than me. Of that, I am proud.

I watched the first episode of WCG Ultimate Gamer on SciFi last night. I'm not really sure what to think. On the one hand, I think it is way cool to not only have professional gaming exist, but to also have it in the spotlight. Way cool. And the fact that they have to do "real world" challenges is pretty amusing. Last night, the game of choice was Rock Band 2. But the contestants also had to play real instruments in front of an audience, performing a song by The Donnas. My favorite quote went something like "playing a real guitar is far different than playing a Rock Band guitar controller." Ya think? Quotes like that make me laugh...and then make me think that the stereotype of gamers never getting out of their parents' basement might be true. Well, for everyone except me of course. I have my own basement I can't get out of.

Anyhoo, the show itself was relatively amusing. The dude who lost was a dick, and I'm glad I won't have to put up with his attitude. He was nice at times but, otherwise, was a raging jerkface. He lost horribly to another guy in a Rock Band 2 duel. What's funny is, I'm watching this show thinking "wow, I could actually beat some of these pro gamers at this game." But I know, realistically, they'd probably wipe the floor with me at probably every other game.

I think professional gaming is made of awesome. I often wish that I had the talent and time to put forth in competition. The closest I've ever come was back in high school (and early college) when a local arcade held Street Fighter II tournaments--Monday Night Fights. Does that date me, or what? I'm old! Shove it! I won. I won a lot. Basically, during any given contest, either I or a friend of mine would clean up. Every once in a while some darkhorse would come along and dethrone us for a week, only get pummeled and bloodied the next week and take their place in the abyssal pit of loserdome (can't we get beyond Loser Dome?). It was fun, and there was prize money collected from the entry fees. I also pissed off many a frat boy when I was in college because I could put away challengers all day on one quarter. Actually, it cost two quarters, but the former sounds cooler. Deal with it.

These days, professional gaming is an actual career like, say, football. There are professional gaming leagues. People devote all day every day to "training" and, I'm sure, the game probably ceases to actually be fun at that point. These people would eclipse any skills I have in a heartbeat with their hundreds of hours of analysis and to-the-second timing. I also don't live anywhere near a city that has any of these competitions. Ah, if only video games were this big when I was a kid. I could have kicked anyone's ass righteously at Combat on the Atari 2600. Bring it on, yo!

From the pain and downtrodden

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Project: Garden

Alright, so the garden is framed. Due to the fact that the 2x4's are about as straight as Richard Simmons, the frame is quite crooked, but at least it'll hold and it's sturdy enough--as long as nobody plays on or in it. I also threw in some mulched leaves and hay. With that I mixed whatever compost we collected from the kitchen (coffee grounds included, because they are apparently awesome--is there anything coffee can't do?)

so now I need to get some more hay. It rained a little this morning but it would be nice if it would rain a bit more to start compacting everything. Should this even remotely work this year, next year will be even better since I can throw a bunch more leaves in the garden instead of over the fence.

But enough about that.

SciFi Pictures Originals Presents: "See No Evil"

Dear SciFi,

We have this wrestler dude. He's big. He's ugly. And he wants to act. Can he please have a movie on your fine network? He does a really good job at making wrestling look real, so you know that he is a classic thespian. Please consider this proposal. He really wants out of his cage.

Sincerely,
Vince McMahon, WWE

P.S: I do believe that Rowdy Roddy Piper also needs work.


So that's what I imagine the proposal for See No Evil was like. Honestly, this is less of a movie and more of an excuse to just butcher people viewers don't care about. See, this movie bucks tradition and is one of SciFi's darker movies. Not only that, but I found myself not giving a creasy rat crap about the main characters at all. Why? They're all mouthy, attitude-filled convicts! Usually you can find good examples of them by talking to some of the trolls in the chatrooms on Kongregate.com. Ell Oh Ell.

So the (rather thin) premise of said piece of cinema is this: eight teenage convicts get the opportunity to work by fixing up a decrepit hotel (owned by some old lady) for three days in return for three months reduced sentence in prison. The guard overseeing them lost his arm when he was attacked by a psycho (who he shot). I think he was lying and he really lost it in a hideous shuffleboard accident, but that's just me. I could be way off, there. It's funny to note that there are a couple of scenes where the fingers on his prosthetic hand actually bend to grab things. That's one helluva prosthesis! None of that is really important, though, as he totally bites it early on in the film (which shocked me, since I thought he was going to be a main character). Anyhoo...

So the big bad, played by WWE's own Kane (whoever that actually is) is a hulking psycho who kills people, but rips out their eyes before they die. He deposits these "windows to the soul" in jar and pickles them. Throughout the movie we get images of him as a child, being punished for looking at porn...an activity probably being done by 500 million people on the Internet at this very moment. But other than having been shot in the head and living to tell the tale, he's really not special. Sure, he could use some hygiene tips and probably needs to find a good orthodontist but, other than that, he's a dude with an eye fetish. He runs after his victims, loses them, and even becomes out of breath. Luckily, he never speaks one word of dialogue (well, until the end).

So the teenagers do all the things that horror movie teens are supposed to--they drink, they smoke, they do drugs, they have premarital sex and, oh yeah, they die horribly. That last one is often a result of having done the premarital sex thing. In this movie, though, it is directly correlated at one point--bad dude rigged all the beds with wires leading to his hidden room. They're attached to bells which ring in unison with the mattress mombo. At one point, the bell is going absolutely batshit nuts. Seems to me that would just be a lot of chafing. But I digress.

So computer nerd bites it first. Way to go, loser. Remind me never to go into a creepy situation first...I will surely be the unlucky sap who is the first one to perish...being the big computer nerd that I am. Oh and, big surprise, the old lady who owns the hotel is THE BAD DUDE'S PSYCHO MOTHER! Yeah, like I never saw that bomb coming. Oh and, apparently, Kane's character has a pet fly...which should be nominated for an Academy Award. Bravo!


Here are your Drive-In Totals:

Horny Teenagers: 8
Characters I Cared About: None
Premarital Convict Secks: 1/2
Cell Phones Spoiling Hiding Places: 1
Suplexes and Piledrivers: Sadly, none
Creepy, Psycho Mothers: 1

Unshaven Elevators: 1
Chain And Hook-Fu
Axe-Fu
Pipe-Fu
Dog-Fu
Spike in the Wall-Fu
Death By Cell Phone
Eye-Gouging
Blood-Spurting

Three-and-a-half stars.


This one's not about you

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Watch Our Crap, Please

I got a call last week from someone at a tv-viewing studies company, asking if I would like to view an unaired TV show--they wanted my opinions on it. I've gotten calls in the past to view upcoming TV pilots for feedback but I've never had the chance to actually do it. So this time I told them I would.

The lady gave me instructions on how to watch it--I had to watch it tonight and had to watch it on a television (not a computer) with a remote, where I would normally watch television. I also had to say 15 hail mary's and then hit myself. Wait...I might have done that last part just out of curiosity. You know, experimentation...or something.

Well, today I got the DVD and, because I had to watch it (under penalty of death or pain or severe ridicule..maybe even a wedgie). I chucked the disc in my Xbox and started it up, hoping to catch a glimpse of some crappy show that would air during the next TV season.

Huh. No dice. Wait...what?

Yeah, so it turns out the show that I am watching is a show that was produced at least two years ago and has already been canned. So...yeah. I'm watching a past piece of crap instead of a future piece of crap. And, oh wow, was it a piece of crap. I mean, like, two children with a toy camcorder (yes, a toy) could produce better schlock than this. My cat has produced better things in his catbox.

The show was "The Rocky LaPorte Show". Exactly! Who?? Rocky LaPorte is this supposed comedian with a Brooklyn accent so thick it's almost a parody. He's about as funny as me kicking myself in the crotch which, to some of you, may be hilarious. To me...not so much. The show was basically a third-rate (if that) "King of Queens" (which I also don't watch...because it, too, is crap). It's like "According to Jim" and "King of Queens" had a one-night stand and produced some sort of sick, twisted, bastard child with an artichoke for a head. The very thought makes me shudder and vomit a little in my mouth.

But I'm not stupid. Well, okay, I'm not that stupid (I feel I must acquiesce a little on that point). Along with the DVD came a couple of surveys--one to be completed before and one to be completed after. These surveys ask only about what my favorite products are. Huh. And the DVD had commercials...double "huh".

. . .

So the person called me back tonight and asked me some standard questions about the show, then she launched into all sorts of questions about the commercials. When viewing the DVD, I had tried real hard to figure out what commercial I was going to be asked about. Turns out it was a Nationwide Insurance commercial which, ironically enough, I had no recollection of. Not to worry! There was a "secret commercial" on the DVD that she had me watch. Guess which one?

So some NASCAR dude and his father are talking about insurance, blah blah. I had to answer questions about this thing for about 15 minutes. All the while, I'm thinking "I have to make dinner". Then the conversation ended with some more superficial questions about the sorry excuse for a sitcom. It is important to note that all of these questions were the exact same questions that were included in a questionnaire, which I still have to send in. Maybe they're also in cahoots with the post office?

so far away, we wait for the day