Monday, March 16, 2009

Beware the Sea Beast

The Musaac system here is currently playing Christopher Cross--you know, that song from the movie "Arthur". I'd look up the name of the tune but I'm into not caring. I think my basic point is that I really loathe elevator music. I'm not sure why anyone actually uses it. It's really a useless expense. I am convinced that it is a very subtle way to torture people.

Enough chit-chat.

SciFi Pictures Presents: "Sea Beast"
Always wanted to get the opportunity to follow small-town fishermen during his adventures hunting down a mysterious killer amphibious ocean-dwelling monster? Seriously? Never? Not even just a little bit? Can you humor me just this once? I'm not asking a lot.

So Corin Nemek...I'm sorry, did you say "who"? Right. Well, you may remember him from the Fox series "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" and he also played Jonas Quinn on Stargate: SG-1. Oh, wait, he was also in the SciFi Pictures Original "Mansquito". Still nothing? Okay. Anyway, ol' Corky is a down-on-his-luck fisherdude who loses a crewmember in a mysterious accident, known as "he became monster chow". But nobody really knows this until they start putting 2 and 2 together and getting something close to 4.

See, Sea Beast can camouflage itself, essentially turning it invisible a la a 2nd-rate "Predator". This creature doesn't have guns and armor, however, but it's got a tongue that...okay, not going there. It can grapple people from 30 yards with its tongue. Talk about an awkward first date. Also, it can jump long distances...and did I mention that it can EAT PEOPLE?? Wouldn't be much of a monster if it didn't.

So there's basically your plot. Oh, wait...let me sum up the rest. Sea Beast hitches a ride to the mainland, kills people. Sea Beast travels to an island, kills people. Sea Beast hangs out in a bar watching the hockey game...kills people. Starting to see a pattern? There are also some teenagers who steal away secretly to Corky's cabin on a remote island and get into trouble.

Now we all know, in SciFi Pictures movies, that there is always some twist that throws a wrench into the works. In movies involving a supernatural terror, such as this one, it is 99% of the time EGGS! No!! The creature has laid hundreds of eggs!! This movie is no different. Also, there are about 15 baby sea beasts that wreak havoc. Also, did I mention that Corky's daughter is a level 15 warrior with a 20 Strength? Seriously, she kills more of these baby sea beasts than anyone else. And she does it with a handbag and a pencil.

The movie itself wasn't so bad. I mean, it was bad, but not bad bad. The CGI for ol' Beasty wasn't bad, but the CGI for the opening scene in a storm on the water was deplorable. When you can't make water look real, you need to remove yourself from the CGI profession. Also, that was the only "real" ocean we ever see. The rest of the movie had to have been shot on the shores of some secluded lake in Canada. Wherever it was, it was definitely not the ocean. And I could never figure out who was where. At one point, the local sheriff (Corky the fisherman's brother) leads a posse out to hunt the beast. I couldn't tell where they actually were--island? Mainland? Disneyland? Also, the posse bites it...hard...but they always do.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Dismembered Limbs: 1
Guts: 34 1/2
Local Town Drunks Reenacting "Predator": 1
Hot Scientist Chick: 1
Electroshock Therapy: 1
Tongue-Fu
Harpoon-Fu
Acetylene-Fu
Exploding Boats
Beheadings

3 stars

Don't waste your time

1 comment:

KPiep said...

Dude! I LOVE that song! Musac or not....

Also, you forgot one very important thing, which is how sexy Parker Louis has become in his middle age.