Monday, March 30, 2009

This Space Left Intentionally Blank

I had something specific to ramble about today, I really did. But, as luck would have it, I have completely forgotten that which I would have discussed. So now I think I am clear to gripe about my day! Consider yourself lucky, as you can regail in my wondrous exposition of "International Fail Day".

Today is one of those days...yes, one of those days--the kind where I have to do everything at least twice (sometimes three or four times) to get it right. Failed tasks can range anywhere from turning on a lightswitch to imaging a computer. They run the full gamut. And the errors are no less predictable. Sometimes they even involve a small injury! I attribute part of it to lack of caffeine.

Alright, with that out of the way...

SciFi Pictures Originals Presents: Polar Storm

So this one stars Jack Coleman, aka Horn-Rimmed-Glasses Guy from Heroes, aka Noah Bennett. Now, I'm not sure if he jumped onboard this movie before he got work in Heroes or after Heroes went down the crapper but, either way, it may have actually helped his career! No, I'm not saying this movie was so good that he benefitted. I'm saying that it's that much better than the 2nd and 3rd seasons of Heroes that his career benefitted. Ya, they suck, and stop saying otherwise. No U!

So...wow, I can't even remember the name of Jack Coleman's character. Seriously, that says something either about my memory or the movie. Since I am unwilling to admit any further memory degradation, I blame the movie. So, from now on, we'll call him...Charles Longduckdong.

So Charles Long...er...Charles is this government-contracted astrophysicist. He's married to his son's teacher which causes a whole bunch of turmoil that really isn't important. What is important is that Charles predicts that part of a passing comet will hit Earth...and it does. Even though he is very close to the point of impact, he survives...though his poor, nameless lackey does not. He's now somewhere up in astrophysicist lackey heaven, looking down, cursing at Charles for insisting they see the impact first hand.

So now this comet chunk apparently has thrown off the Earth's axis and magnetic field, which will be gone in 48 hours. ICARUMBA!! The rest of the movie consists of Charles trying to correct stupid government mistakes while finding a way to restore the Earth's magnetic field so the entire populace doesn't turn into overcooked bacon snacks. I personally hoped he'd just hole up in a cave somewhere and wait for the zombie apocalypse. Maybe he would have seen his little dead lackey again! Ah, the reunion! It would bring a tear to my eye...if I cared.

The greatest part of this movie is when they kept filming someone's car pulling over to the side of the road. The reason it's funny is because it was the same place every time!! You'd think this town only had one road and one place to pull over.

Somewhere during all of this, his wife and son get into numerous bad situations, save a couple of people, let one of them die, get carjacked, and generally run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Charles teams up with his estranged father and combat the global demagnetization. What's their solution, you ask?

Yep...in a SciFi movie, the answer is always either "shoot it with guns" or "blow it up." In this case, they need to take a diesel submarine down into some really deep rift in the ocean and launch two nuclear torpedos into it. Because the rift is exactly opposite the impact site, this will restore Earth's access and repair its magnetic field. I like my solution better--throw a buttload of magnets up into the air and run. Then hunker down and shoot any zombies I see. Either that or just surf for porn until the zombies come a'knockin'.

And now, your Drive-In Totals:
Bad father-son relationships: 2
Hot teachers/stepmothers: 1
Unresolved "my father is now dead" girlfriend plotlines: 1
Really bizarre theories on comets and magnetic fields: 100 (this is conservative)
Number of times I thought of "Save the cheerleader, save the world": 15
Nuclear warhead-fu: 2
EMP-fu: 6
Heart attacks
Visible EMP action
Swallowed cars

3 stars

Lonely things like nights I find end finer with a friend.

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