Saturday, March 7, 2009

Project: Garden

Alright, so the garden is framed. Due to the fact that the 2x4's are about as straight as Richard Simmons, the frame is quite crooked, but at least it'll hold and it's sturdy enough--as long as nobody plays on or in it. I also threw in some mulched leaves and hay. With that I mixed whatever compost we collected from the kitchen (coffee grounds included, because they are apparently awesome--is there anything coffee can't do?)

so now I need to get some more hay. It rained a little this morning but it would be nice if it would rain a bit more to start compacting everything. Should this even remotely work this year, next year will be even better since I can throw a bunch more leaves in the garden instead of over the fence.

But enough about that.

SciFi Pictures Originals Presents: "See No Evil"

Dear SciFi,

We have this wrestler dude. He's big. He's ugly. And he wants to act. Can he please have a movie on your fine network? He does a really good job at making wrestling look real, so you know that he is a classic thespian. Please consider this proposal. He really wants out of his cage.

Sincerely,
Vince McMahon, WWE

P.S: I do believe that Rowdy Roddy Piper also needs work.


So that's what I imagine the proposal for See No Evil was like. Honestly, this is less of a movie and more of an excuse to just butcher people viewers don't care about. See, this movie bucks tradition and is one of SciFi's darker movies. Not only that, but I found myself not giving a creasy rat crap about the main characters at all. Why? They're all mouthy, attitude-filled convicts! Usually you can find good examples of them by talking to some of the trolls in the chatrooms on Kongregate.com. Ell Oh Ell.

So the (rather thin) premise of said piece of cinema is this: eight teenage convicts get the opportunity to work by fixing up a decrepit hotel (owned by some old lady) for three days in return for three months reduced sentence in prison. The guard overseeing them lost his arm when he was attacked by a psycho (who he shot). I think he was lying and he really lost it in a hideous shuffleboard accident, but that's just me. I could be way off, there. It's funny to note that there are a couple of scenes where the fingers on his prosthetic hand actually bend to grab things. That's one helluva prosthesis! None of that is really important, though, as he totally bites it early on in the film (which shocked me, since I thought he was going to be a main character). Anyhoo...

So the big bad, played by WWE's own Kane (whoever that actually is) is a hulking psycho who kills people, but rips out their eyes before they die. He deposits these "windows to the soul" in jar and pickles them. Throughout the movie we get images of him as a child, being punished for looking at porn...an activity probably being done by 500 million people on the Internet at this very moment. But other than having been shot in the head and living to tell the tale, he's really not special. Sure, he could use some hygiene tips and probably needs to find a good orthodontist but, other than that, he's a dude with an eye fetish. He runs after his victims, loses them, and even becomes out of breath. Luckily, he never speaks one word of dialogue (well, until the end).

So the teenagers do all the things that horror movie teens are supposed to--they drink, they smoke, they do drugs, they have premarital sex and, oh yeah, they die horribly. That last one is often a result of having done the premarital sex thing. In this movie, though, it is directly correlated at one point--bad dude rigged all the beds with wires leading to his hidden room. They're attached to bells which ring in unison with the mattress mombo. At one point, the bell is going absolutely batshit nuts. Seems to me that would just be a lot of chafing. But I digress.

So computer nerd bites it first. Way to go, loser. Remind me never to go into a creepy situation first...I will surely be the unlucky sap who is the first one to perish...being the big computer nerd that I am. Oh and, big surprise, the old lady who owns the hotel is THE BAD DUDE'S PSYCHO MOTHER! Yeah, like I never saw that bomb coming. Oh and, apparently, Kane's character has a pet fly...which should be nominated for an Academy Award. Bravo!


Here are your Drive-In Totals:

Horny Teenagers: 8
Characters I Cared About: None
Premarital Convict Secks: 1/2
Cell Phones Spoiling Hiding Places: 1
Suplexes and Piledrivers: Sadly, none
Creepy, Psycho Mothers: 1

Unshaven Elevators: 1
Chain And Hook-Fu
Axe-Fu
Pipe-Fu
Dog-Fu
Spike in the Wall-Fu
Death By Cell Phone
Eye-Gouging
Blood-Spurting

Three-and-a-half stars.


This one's not about you

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