Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Watch Our Crap, Please

I got a call last week from someone at a tv-viewing studies company, asking if I would like to view an unaired TV show--they wanted my opinions on it. I've gotten calls in the past to view upcoming TV pilots for feedback but I've never had the chance to actually do it. So this time I told them I would.

The lady gave me instructions on how to watch it--I had to watch it tonight and had to watch it on a television (not a computer) with a remote, where I would normally watch television. I also had to say 15 hail mary's and then hit myself. Wait...I might have done that last part just out of curiosity. You know, experimentation...or something.

Well, today I got the DVD and, because I had to watch it (under penalty of death or pain or severe ridicule..maybe even a wedgie). I chucked the disc in my Xbox and started it up, hoping to catch a glimpse of some crappy show that would air during the next TV season.

Huh. No dice. Wait...what?

Yeah, so it turns out the show that I am watching is a show that was produced at least two years ago and has already been canned. So...yeah. I'm watching a past piece of crap instead of a future piece of crap. And, oh wow, was it a piece of crap. I mean, like, two children with a toy camcorder (yes, a toy) could produce better schlock than this. My cat has produced better things in his catbox.

The show was "The Rocky LaPorte Show". Exactly! Who?? Rocky LaPorte is this supposed comedian with a Brooklyn accent so thick it's almost a parody. He's about as funny as me kicking myself in the crotch which, to some of you, may be hilarious. To me...not so much. The show was basically a third-rate (if that) "King of Queens" (which I also don't watch...because it, too, is crap). It's like "According to Jim" and "King of Queens" had a one-night stand and produced some sort of sick, twisted, bastard child with an artichoke for a head. The very thought makes me shudder and vomit a little in my mouth.

But I'm not stupid. Well, okay, I'm not that stupid (I feel I must acquiesce a little on that point). Along with the DVD came a couple of surveys--one to be completed before and one to be completed after. These surveys ask only about what my favorite products are. Huh. And the DVD had commercials...double "huh".

. . .

So the person called me back tonight and asked me some standard questions about the show, then she launched into all sorts of questions about the commercials. When viewing the DVD, I had tried real hard to figure out what commercial I was going to be asked about. Turns out it was a Nationwide Insurance commercial which, ironically enough, I had no recollection of. Not to worry! There was a "secret commercial" on the DVD that she had me watch. Guess which one?

So some NASCAR dude and his father are talking about insurance, blah blah. I had to answer questions about this thing for about 15 minutes. All the while, I'm thinking "I have to make dinner". Then the conversation ended with some more superficial questions about the sorry excuse for a sitcom. It is important to note that all of these questions were the exact same questions that were included in a questionnaire, which I still have to send in. Maybe they're also in cahoots with the post office?

so far away, we wait for the day

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