Monday, April 20, 2009

All the news that fits, we print

So I think I am going into the insurance business. I've got a plan, and it is going to pay off--big time. I've found a niche that I can slip into and become the industry leader in no time! See, it has come to my attention that there is a type of insurance out there that is desperately needed, but that nobody has!

Zombie Insurance.

That's right--zombie insurance. Picture this: the zombie apocalypse is upon you, and you're holed up in your abode with the requisite shotgun, bottled water, and some food. You're listening to the radio when, all of a sudden, ZOMBIES!! They're knocking on your windows and your door, moaning something about brains, and they want in! Okay, so you fight them off successfully, but your home is left in shambles. You've got bulletholes, broken windows, and your cable TV is out. Your regular insurance policy won't pay for zombie-related damages, I assure you. That, my friend, is why you need First Mutual Zombie Insurance!

And what if you or your spouse were to get bitten by a zombie? You know what happens then, right? Your hunger for brains increases (moreso than normal, if you're into that kind of thing) and you start lumbering around in a daze. No, you're not just sleepwalking. You, unfortunately, are a zombie. But nobody's going to pay for your loss (or your spouse's, if he/she survives). Who are you going to turn to? You get peace of mind for just pennies a day! And there are no health screenings and no age requirements!

And you can get special discounts for preventative measures such as extra fences, lights, barricades, and good student discounts! You might even qualify after you've been bitten (payment in advance, not a guarantee). Really, I think this is an awesome idea. And if you steal it, I'll send the zombie hordes after you.

Also, I am not a crackpot.

Let's get onto the movie. Scifi Pictures Presents: "War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave".

Okay, aside from the asinine name, this movie has plenty of other reasons to laugh...hard. War of the Worlds TWO?? Seriously? Anyway, this vehicle stars C. Thomas Howell...and is also directed by C. Thomas Howell...did I mention it's also produced by...you guessed it, C. Thomas Howell. Now, I thought he had faded into obscurity but apparently he's been busy with bit parts on TV shows like 24. He also apparently has a billion movies in either pre-production (rumored) or post-production. This particular theatrical masterpiece probably should have stayed in "non-production".

So you know the original story of War of the Worlds--aliens come to Earth, they kick ass, then they sneeze and die. Well, Scifi did a remake of a...remake...or something, which also was done by C. Thomas Howell. He must really dig wars...and worlds, and stuff. So, anyway, Earth won the first war (hurray!), but the aliens are back (d'oh!) and they're not happy...well, I assume they're not happy. We never really see them, but I bet they're giving us all the finger and glaring at us, wherever they are.

So Howell's character, George Herbert, is an astronomer and is basically responsible for winning the first war (of the worlds) by injecting a virus into one of the aliens' eyeball-thingies. He met up with his wife and son at the end of the first war (of the worlds). In this war (of the worlds), his wife is inexplicably gone (probably due to the actress bailing on such a crappy movie) but his son is still around. His son gets zapped by a walker which, we find out, means he was teleported inside its belly. Now Herbert spends the entire freaking movie looking for his son.

At one point, he meets up with a guy I call "The Hispanic Tool", because he was a completely cowardly, whiny bonemuncher. They also meet up with a diseased psycho lady. They all get captured and then, somehow, find themselves in a deserted city. Meanwhile, a ragtag bunch of ruffians fly some advanced fighter planes into space to fight the mothership, but get "timejumped" to Mars.

Turns out that Herbert and his band of misfits are in the mothership, dwelling in a fabricated city. One of the fighters falls from the artificial sky and crashes. No idea how they avoided venting atmosphere or how they avoided destroying the fighter, but okay. The Herbert and his band of misfits manage to get lost, whine a lot, run away, find Herbert's son, get sick, beat the aliens, and fly away with the pilot (all four of them) in the one-man fighter. Are you laughing yet? Seriously, this movie had more holes than a cheese cloth. It was laughable at best, deplorable at worst. K and I nearly turned it off several times.

Oh, there was also an ex-NASA chick with a really bad accent that was completely unidentifiable or nonexistent. I prognosticate that she was an alien hiding among us.

In the end, they somehow all make it back to Earth and survive...then the next wave of aliens makes themselves known...by broadcasting Cyndi Lauper songs on the radio. I crap you negative...well, maybe a little.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Love Interests: 0
Likeable Characters: 0
Actual Alien Sightings: 0
Instances of Recycled CGI, Found on the Floor: 500
Sick, Crazy Bastards who Drink Too Much: 1
Alien zap-fu
Needle-fu
Ineffectual gun-fu

2 stars

Maybe time is a bird in flight

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