Sunday, May 3, 2009

Travelblog, Part I

So I'm on the road again. Seems like there is a song that's applicable to this situation but I just can't think of the title. Here are some observations from the road:

1. Best Billboard Ever: "Hot, Tasty Butts!!" I crap you negative. Of course, it was for a bar-b-que place and there were cartoon pig butts on it, but still...classic.
2. There is never anyone in a hotel exercise room except me...go figure. The last person to use the treadmill was 200 lbs. and 58 years old. Also, why is the mechanism which raises and lowers the grade on every treadmill in every hotel broken?
3. I ate at Long John Silvers tonight--all the local places looked rather sketchy...and desolate. Either they weren't open or shouldn't be open. Anyway, as far as LJS goes, nothing's changed. Well, one thing has changed. I don't have a stomach ache!! So, now, there is officially nothing on this planet that my stomach disagrees with.
4. I just watched Marge Simpson teabag someone in a Halo-like game on tv!
5. I have to set my laptop on the box for Civ IV while using it on the bed or it overheats.
6. I drove past the infamous spot in Evansville, IN where I got horribly lost last year traveling. Stupid Evansville. It still fails.

Alright, enough of that. Time to switch gears.

Scifi Saturday Presents: "Bottom Feeder"

Okay, I had no idea what to expect from a "monster in the tunnels" movie starring Tom Sizemore. Not that I actually know what to expect from any Scifi movie...but whatever. So Tom Sizemore stars as a maintenance dood named Vince. He hangs out with his niece (it's her first day), another dood, and an ass-annoying slacker kid. The first scene where I saw this kid I knew I wanted him to die first. Thankfully, he did. But that's really beside the point.

So this genius doctor is summoned to an old warehouse where an old, burned dude in a wheelchair awaits. They talk, the doctor is shot and beaten up and left in a locked hallway. See, he has invented a syrum (it's always a syrum, not an "injection" or anything else) that regenerates tissue! So the old dude's henchmen (The Tool and a chick who I refer to as "psycho Scully--she looks and talks like the X-Files Dana Scully but she's also a raging, psycho bitch) beat the crap out of the doctor, shoot him, chuck him in the hallway and inject him with the syrum. But there are some rules, blah blah, things go wrong and the doctor turns into a half-man, half-rat beast-like thing. He's ugly, and he's pissed off...also, he's hungry. I mean, how did they not see this coming? They're bringing down themselves!!! Noooooo!!!

So the maintenance crew goes into the tunnels because Vince and his friend want to pilfer whatever they can find from an old shutdown hospital that connects to these tunnels (and other buildings). Also Psycho Scully and The Tool return to find the good doctor gone. A random, poorly acted Jamaican stoner gets eaten, but not before the annoying kid gets his. Everyone runs around frantically, the old burnt dude dies (as does his silent, karate assistant). Finally they decide to blow up the tunnels to trap ratman but, instead, take him down themselves. What did it take to kill him?? A shotgun. Yep...not a missile, not explosives...just a good ol' trusty shotgun. Also, an axe to the head and a glorified meat carving tool. Then the tunnels explode because these people are all stupid and sit around just watching the dead corpse too long.

Then Vince finds himself in a hospital and he's going to turn into a ratman...see, he and his niece were "infected with its blood"...and, well, the syrum was going to be used for the army to create "the ultimate weapon"...now he is the ultimate weapon!! TWIST!!! Yeah, right...who didn't see that coming?

So here are your Drive-In Totals:
Contrived plots: 1
Cheese-faced burnt, old dudes: 1
Fake dismembered fingers: 1
Eaten dogs: 1
Superfluous, retarded Jamaican dudes: 1
Silent, kung-fu assistants: 1
Lousy CGI: Essentially none (no CGI at all in this movie--good or bad)
Shotgun-fu
Fancy knife-fu
Meat-carving
Rat-eating
Neon injections

3 stars

Dream another dream, this dream is over

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