Sunday, May 31, 2009

Zombies Truly ARE Everywhere

K just picked up what might be the most ingenious book ever to reach the printed page. It contains a classic, timeless story of love and conflict...and cannibalistic flesh-eating. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies could be the most awesome idea ever!


I mean, seriously, what concept is better than that? Totally hilarious.

Alright, onto serious matters...like SciFi Saturday movies. This past Saturday, we had a movie called "Book of Breasts". Now, with a name like that, who am I to pass up watching this? Of course, the movie was actually called "Book of Beasts" Ah well...maybe one day they'll make the movie that I want.

So, anyway, we should probably call this movie "Camelot, the Next Generation". Basically, years after King Arthur has died, Galahad and his ragtag bunch of adolescent knights go on a quest to retake camelot. But this one evil dude named The Arcadian is roaming from town to town, laying waste by commanding strange creatures. Also, this movie could be called "The Book of Things That Don't Require Much CGI" since, mostly, the crew just fights the gorgon sisters with Medusa as their leader.

The crew searches a forest to find Merlin, a cranky, crusty old bastard who's spent the last umpteen years hanging out in the woods, wiping his butt with leaves, and ignoring the rest of the world. We find out that the one chick in the group--Avlynn--is Arthur's daughter and she tries to convince Merlin to help them. Merlin says "no way in Hell, baby, but I'm sure I'll reappear to save you when you are about to get your asses kicked." And, of course, he does.

Come to find out, later, that The Arcadian is Mordred (Arthur's and Morgan Le Fay's son) and he wants to have a baby with his sister. Aside from being a little revolting, this concept is rather dull and doesn't add much to the movie. Keeping with the movie's tradition of not using much CGI, Merlin's and Mordred's "magic" is rather lackluster and is little more than throwing magical pee at each other.

So Avlynn must find Excalibur. The only catch this time is that she must actually fight the scimitar-lobbing watery tart...at least, I think that's what was going on. She basically had to fight herself. The fight ends when we see that hugs are more powerful than punches. She claims the sword and returns to her companions only to have all of them and the book of beasts captured nearly instantly by something with wings that we see 1 1/2 seconds of.

Merlin dies a few times, the "knights" fight very poorly, the good guys win...there was much rejoincing. Yay. I like my movie idea much better.

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Stoners: 1
Women with bad (snake) hair: 3
Moistened Bints: 1
Swordfights: Maybe 1...more like 1/2
Zombies: None. Go read the book I talked about further up.
Hair-pulling
Sucker-punching
Vine-fu
Ambrosia-fu

3 stars.

Turn it off, that ain't my scene

1 comment:

Heidi said...

Tell K that I also picked up that book recently. Haven't read much yet but hear it's hilarious.

You forgot to mention that Merlin was played by BSG's Baltar ( I watched about 5 minutes just because of that, but couldn't make it through the whole thing)...