Sunday, June 14, 2009

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So, since Friday was my last day with my previous employer, I decided to have a go at it, and crack open the Gummy Bacon. Yes, it's not just a legend, it's real! And, man, is it nasty!! It tasted like plastic dipped in ass, wrapped in nausea, sprinkled with pure hate and brushed with just a touch of strawberry. Suffice to say that it did not live up to the hype...or maybe it did. I suspect it depends on which hype you believe.

Alright, onto other things...

Scifi Saturday Presents: "Star Runners"

This movie has it all--a shifty space government, space criminals, space revolutionaries, and a mysterious space girl. What more could you ask for? Wait...you want giant, killer space bugs too? Well, okay, we'll throw those in for free! Now, what can I do to get you to watch this movie? What if I told you it stars James Kyson Lee? You know, "Unspecial Ando" from "Heroes". Deal? Okay, okay...0% financing for 60 months. But I absolutely cannot go lower than that. Alright, well, maybe I can throw in my dog...but that's really a bonus for me.

So, yeah. Two ne'er-do-wells get the chance to wipe the slate clean by returning the space government's space crate to them. Inside said space crate is the space girl who is mysterious, senile, and...naked! She was cryogenically frozen, blah blah...I think they just wanted an excuse to have a naked chick in the movie.

The two scountrels and the chick board a space transit ship but get attacked by another ship, jump blindly into uncharted space and crash land (along with some passengers) on a desolate planet which, they soon find out, is inhabited by the giant, hungry, space bugs.

As you well know, giant space bugs and humans seldom get along. This situation is no different. Once they discover each other, much running, screaming, whining, doublecrossery, and head-chomping mayhem results as the silly humans are picked off one at a time by the hungry creepy-crawlies.

And can you blame the bugs? I mean, they've been stuck on a planet of rocks--there are no space 7-11's, no space takeout, no space drive-thru's--just rocks and bugs. So when stupid humans enter the picture, you expect a wily feast. Of course there are many misunderstood bugs who perish in the onslaught, but some of them eat really well and die fat and happy.

As I mentioned, there is the usual doublecrossery and silly plotline about the mysterious space girl having mystical abilities due to horrible space genocide by the space federation but it's easily overlooked. It's all a load of crap. Despite all of that lousy exposition, the movie is quite enjoyable.

Let's get to the Drive-In Totals:
Architypical Characters: All of them
Loads of Malarchy: 3
Space Bugs: Lots and lots
Ammo: Seemingly unlimited (even though the comment many times about how little they have)
Pincer-fu
Exploding Pistol-fu
Solar Flare-fu
Decapitations
Leg-munching

3 1/2 stars

I put the pedal down to make some time

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