Monday, June 29, 2009

Technology has me in its clutches

So, to most people who know me, my love for technology is apparent. No, I am not usually an early-adopter of bleeding edge gadgets, but I do tend to drool over them from time to time. I enjoy browsing geekologie and engadget and checking out the cool things they offer. If I had the chance to install a cybernetic eyelash in myself, I'd probably do it.

For example, I now carry my iPhone when I run and it logs all sorts of useful information for me, which I can then view on the web. Here is an example. It's not real clear, but it basically shows me every path I took, how many feet I ascended, calories burned, pace per mile, average pace, distance, what I had for dinner...well, basically everything. I love it!


So it's not surprise that I'm currently in love with my iPhone. It has taken me t0 new heights of geekiness that even I could not have fathomed in the depth of my own twisted imagination, where dogs and cats live together. I don't know how much of my iPhone is actually useful, but it gets used. The other day I went looking at blenders. Our supposedly "good quality" blender apparently started sending up smoke signals (yes, real smoke) and we were too afraid to plug it back in to use it.

Anyhoo, I'm at the store looking at them, not wanting to get a total junker but also not wanting to spend millions of dollars on a blender. "Aha!" I think to myself. "I can use this iPhone thingy to find user reviews of these blenders!" And so it was done. I told this story to K and she gave me the requisite eye roll...to which I am extremely accustomed--I think the first one I got was when I showed her my very first network. It was all downhill from there. If I had footage of all the eyerolls, I'd probably have a really long montage. All I'd need to do is find some hilarious music. Yakkety Sax, maybe.

Anyway, onto bigger and better things...

Scifi Pictures Presents "Mutant Chronicles"

If I am correct, then this is Scifi's attempt to create a movie that is almost solely for DVD and Blu-Ray channels. Sure, they showed it on their own network but, directly after the movie ended, they had an ad for it and announced it was availalbe in both formats. More on this later.

So, anyway, this movie stars Ron Perlman and, to my surprise, John Malkovich. Yes...John F'ing Malkovich. "What the hell is John F'ing Malkovich doing in a Scifi movie?" you ask? That's a really f'ing good question. I have no answer for you. But he's following in the footsteps of Isabella Rosselini and Christopher Lee. So why, you ask, do I say that? Both Isabella and Christopher were silly enough to be in a Scifi movie...and they also both died off very quickly. I assume it must have been in their contracts: "Okay, I'll do your crappy-ass movie because my son/nephew/dog works at your company. But you have to promise me you'll kill off my character quickly."

And, thus, Malkovich is off'd rather quickly. Hopefully he quickly left the set to go on and do good movies. But that's neither here nor there.

This movie is set in an anachronistic world--the year is 2707 (if I recall correctly) and five corporations own the world. Of course, these corporations are fighting each other in a style that looks very World War II'ish, but they have bigass weapons and even bigger cannons. Oh, and man has also colonized other planets. All this and they can't spare the money on attire other than WWII-era junk. Okely dokely.

So the plot...giant machine fell from space and created savage mutants out of dead and dying people. Basically, this is what I call "The High School Machine." It turns normally sane individuals into lunatics. The only difference is that the mutants do less foolish things than highschoolers, for the most part. So, yeah, these religious dudes work real hard to seal up the machine under the ground, never to be reopened again...

...That is, until these bozos fighting this silly war let loose with this giant-ass cannon and accidentally break the seal. Then the mutants are free once again to romp and frolic in blood and gore, happily eviscerating everyone in sight and dragging them back to become one of their own. I also think there was a tea party involved, but I might have also fallen asleep.

A plan is hatched that involves an ancient device--you guessed it, a bomb-- and an elite cadre of dumbasses...er...soldiers is chosen to sneak in and blow the place up, therefore handing the asses of the mutants to said mutants. Then there might be some ice cream. The plan goes horribly wrong and people make lots of stupid decisions. Some things happen that don't make a whole lot of sense and then...wait...the movie is still on? Scifi movies only last two hours, but this one is still on?

K lost interest at the two hour mark but I was determined to see how long the movie would continue. Our Internet access was acting very slow so I couldn't check the running time...no, I had to sit and watch the whole damn thing. I'll never forgive my ISP for that. Never. When all was said and done, it clocked in at two hours and thirty minutes...prime for DVD and Blu-Ray. But it really wasn't a very good movie to begin with. In fact, it took just under an hour for anything real to happen, other than a pointless battle at the beginning. So let's just get to the

Drive-In Totals:
Pointless side excursions: 2
Overwhelming religious overtones: The whole damn movie
Hot chick soldiers: 2
Hot chick soldiers living at the end of the movie: 0
Hitler look-alikes: 1/2
Sword-fu
Mutant claw-fu
Decapitations
Eviscerations
Taste sensations

2 1/2 stars

It can happen to you

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