Sunday, July 26, 2009

Totally Randomatic

Here is one of my least favorite commercials.

Here is one of my favorite commercials.

One has a horrid song. The other has a talking dog. Yeah, I'm shallow. Suck it. But that song...it's just so...suck. Actually, I've heard the original and ther commercial makers must have butchered it because, while it still sucks donkey nuts, it sounds a bit better on its own.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. You know, because it was on my mind and stuff. Honestly, that's about all that's on my mind. I can't seem to must a worthwhile thought at the moment.

Except that I think that my Guitar Hero controller is going bad...again. Ugh.

So we'll continue with...

SyFy Saturday Presents: Malibu Shark Attack

I don't really know where to begin with this one. It stars no one and was probably written and directed by no one. Think "Baywatch colliding with a train carrying sewage and dead hookers." It's a conundrum because I'm not sure which part of that is the worst--the Baywatch part, the sewage part, or the dead hookers part...but it's probably Baywatch. Seriously, my dogs have dug up cooler things in the backyard.

We've seen it before--one or more sharks terrorize a beach filled with retarded but tasty humans. Sharks attack, sharks eat, then the humans fight back somehow and the poor sharks are decimated. Then all is well in beachland again. Is this one of those movies? Well, it's on SyFy; you take a guess. But if you're not sure, then the answer is "Yes". Except that SyFy adds an underwater earthquake, a tsunami, and supersharks. What more could any one person want?

So there's this underwater earthquake, right? And it's all "rumble rumble...rumble rumble." And this underwater earthquake produces a tsunami that's all like "I'm gonna flood the beach, yo!" And the earthquake is all spitting supersharks out of the ocean and the supersharks are all like "I'm hungry, dude. There's a beach ahead, so you know what that means, right? Smorgasboard!!"

So, yeah...the earthquake produces a tsunami which floods the California coast, allowing the sharks to go apeshit all over the place. So you would think this might mean sharks are swimming around downtown, shopping at boutiques, cruising the streets, and eating at cafes. Nope. They stick to the coast. The reason? Read further.

In theory, this doesn't sound like a bad idea, and it's not, actually. But it's implemented with all the skill and precision of a feral monkey trying to perform a colonoscopy with a bowling ball.

Why do the sharks stick to the coast? Well, the food is easy to obtain when every character in the movie couldn't poor piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel! Literally, half the cast essentially threw themselves at the sharks. "Wait! They won't expect us to just jump in their mouths! It'll confuse them!" One chick was all "we need to preserve these sharks! They're supposed to be extinct!!" Guess who's the first main character to die? Bingo...the bimbo!

Normally, movies like this start out promising and then eventually derail and spiral down the proverbial toilet and into the septic tank where they are left to rot until they're picked up by the SyFy network...except this one started there!!

Stupid lifeguards and victims aside, there are plenty of other problems, like the fact that it takes approximately 10 freaking minutes for a chainsaw to cut through a shark. I should also mention the fact that, in a building that is currently under construction, there are apparently no stairs at all! Maybe it's some new age project where, to get to a different floor, you have to think yourself there. If that's the case, none of these people could have thought themselves out of the bloody bathroom to begin with.

Also, the so-called "tsunami" looked to be about three feet high and made of crappy CGI--like some intern sneezed and accidentally hit some random keys on the computer and said "Look! I made this!" Also, it miraculously flooded the coast with about 30 feet of water, but didn't engulf or destroy any buildings...not even a sand castle!

We may as well get to the Drive-in Totals:
Dismembered limbs: 2
Really bad ideas: I lost count
Poorly stocked emergency supplies: 1
Indestructable lifeguard towers: 1
Really stupid people: The whole cast...except the sharks. They were pretty bright, rivalling the intelligence of your average chatroom user
Flaregun-fu
Gas-powered circular saw-fu
Blood-spurting
Bonechewing

2 stars. Mostly because, while I expected it to be bad, I expected it to be at least entertaining in a comedic way, and it wasn't even that. Fail.

Lead me on into the door

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