Sunday, August 30, 2009

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August is normally my least favorite month of the year. But if August was always like it has been this year, I might actually learn to like it! The weather has been fantastic! Whereas August is usually the equivalent of getting kicked in the crotch while being set on fire at the same time as having a colonoscopy, this year it has been much like having sex on a rollercoaster followed by...ice cream!

Oh, and the ice cream has sprinkles on it.

It looks as though the garden this year was not total, epic fail. With the cool, rainy weather we've had this summer, it's been tough to get anything except the grass to grow. But the garden persevered, pro ducing tomatoes and jalapenos! Of course, everything else refused to do anything. Also, the tomatoes are all relatively small, but the jalapenos are pretty decent-sized. The verdict is still out on the garlic as it has yet to fully mature. But if I yell at it enough and threaten it, perhaps it will bend to my will. That's how it works, right?

And, last night, I watched the best movie...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!!
Okay. So I have this movie for you...you're totally gonna want to see it. It's got...get this...a giant shark in it! What? That's not enough? You say you want two giant creatures in a movie? Well, you're in luck. It also has a giant freaking octopus in it. That's two for one, man! I'm offering you the deal of a lifetime! But wait...if you watch now, I'll also throw in Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson! Seriously, YOU CAN'T RESIST!! Hypnotoad commands you!

So, yeah...Deborah Gibson plays some kind of scientist (insert laughter here) and she gets a front-row seat as a giant shark and octopus are released from their icy prisons. The shark and octopus were apparently locked in mortal combat when, BOOM, they were somehow frozen fast enough to catch them in the middle of their fracas. So now they've thawed out (3 minutes in the microwave on power level 5) and...instead of continuing their fight, they go their separate ways, taking out their prehistoric angst on humanity. My guess is that they made a bet--see who could cause the most destruction before humanity finally figured out a way to stop them. Either way, they totally have a huge party on Earth, drink all the booze, then trash the place.

So Deborah Gibson, some Irish dude who used to be her professor, and a Japanese dude are all kidnapped by Lorenzo Lamas and ordered to, like, tell the monsters to stop and stuff. Having nothing better to do, Gibson and the Japanese guy jump each others' bones in the broom closet and then figure out a solution. I think they'd known each other maybe 24 hours, but sex is always the answer in movies! (thumbs up!)

But their idea fails miserably. Meanwhile, the shark and octopus are doing cool stuff like leaping out of the water and eating airplanes, chewing on the Golden Gate Bridge, and swatting down fighter jets. But before they have a chance to destroy the Chrysler Building (which seems to happen in every US-based monster movie), humanity figures out another plan--get them to fight each other!

So then there's a giant game of "Rock/Paper/Scissors" or, rather "Tooth/Tentacle/Submarine" and it is on!! Now, honestly, I don't see how a shark could outmatch an octopus...one has no arms, the other has eight of them. But somehow, yes, they manage to kill each other at exactly the same time!! Very convenient! Humanity wins! Good thing those two hopped in the sack while barely knowing each other! They saved everyone!

This movie was the perfect "so bad it's awesome" movie. My only complaint is that they used the same shark footage over and over again and, well, I wanted more destruction. A five-minute montage of the shark and octopus wreaking havoc would have been awesome. Especially if it had been set to "Yakkity Sax"

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Doomed planes: 2
Pissed-off commuters: Several thousand
Unnecessary sex scenes: None--we all know that every sex scene is necessary
Hair grease: Way too much on Lamas' head
Plane-chomping
Sub-chomping
Tentacle-fu
Submarine-fu

5 stars

They'd said it was safe, they lied

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