Sunday, September 20, 2009

Put This In Your Pipe...

Dear InBev,

There is no gentle way to say this, so I'll just say it. Your Bud Light "Jimmy Football" ads suck. Okay okay, I know that the term "suck" is really not constructive criticism. Sorry, I got carried away there. I'll try to be more descriptive...

Your "Jimmy Football" ads inhale briskly. They inhale briskly more than most any ads I've ever seen. They're so bad that they have probably inhaled briskly around many other, much better ads. Your ads sit in a bathroom stall just waiting to inhale briskly when another advertisement walks in to take a pee. Seriously. You used to have such imaginative, funny ads. What genius came up with this ad campaign? You should find them, flog them, give them a swirlie, hang them, then draw and quarter them. Oh, and burn their body parts when you're done. At the very least, fire their ass.

And you know that garbage you feature in these ads--the "grooler" and the "foozie"? Yeah, those. You actually think anyone's going to want to buy any of that schlock? Yes, I'm aware that you are indeed actually selling those things. And they're about as worthwhile as Kanye West turds...which are pretty much worth the same as Kanye West himself. Coincidentally, he also inhales briskly.

In conclusion...ditch the ad campaign now. Hell, go back to the "ability to speak with animals" and the dog that shouts "sausages" over and over again. I still find that one hilarious.

In other news...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Open Graves.
Eliza Dushku stars in this latest effort from the Syfy network. I have one question...what the hell was she thinking? Maybe she didn't think Dollhouse was going to last another season (and it almost didn't) or she was just bored or whatnot but...wow. She probably could have made a better decision. But we'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was drunk at the time...and high...and half-asleep...and tied up at gunpoint, forced to make this movie...and...well, you get the idea.

So a group of surfers stumbles across a game that looks innocuous enough but, much like that tiki idol from the Brady Bunch Goes to Hawaii, it holds a sinister secret--something so dark that the world could end if it was ever discovered. Yes, that's right...the game has several late movies to return to the video store! Oh, and it also kills someone every time it's played. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah, that too. But did I mention that it comes with a free frogurt?? Eh?? Pretty sweet, right? Also, if you win the game, you get to make one wish and it comes true.

So, of course, the slackers play the game...then start dying. Some of them die in very "Final Destination"ish ways while others just die in stupid ones. Then there's this creepy cop who has basically turned bad. He wants the game to bring back his dead brother...or bring back the New Coke. I forget which. Mind you, I fiddled on Facebook with my iPhone for a few minutes, so I may have missed the details.

Anyway, lots of stupid surfer kids die, one guy finally wins the game and, as K called the shot, wishes "it was a week ago and we hadn't played this game!" Well, duh...his wish comes true and the movie starts over. Tasty pick, bonehead.

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Death by snakes: 1
Death by surfing: 1
Death by car: 1
Death by gunshot: 1
Death by lots of other ways when I wasn't paying attention: Lots

Watch his every move

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