Monday, January 25, 2010

Running, But Going Nowhere

I hate treadmills. If it weren't for the lousy, cold weather I wouldn't have to use one. Instead, I pack up my gear, waste gas to go to the gym, and promptly fall in line with the other people who run on a machine that goes nowhere, staring straight ahead either at the TVs in front of them or out the window.

I prefer to run outside--I always have. And I've run in some pretty stupid conditions. We're talking snow, rain, and 10 degree weather. I did that because either I'm a) stubborn or b) not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I guess I feel that, if I'm going to be running, I should at least be going somewhere. Otherwise, I feel like a hamster running in their little wheel. But, unlike the hamster, I don't get to go to the bathroom while I exercise. They definitely live the good life!

So I really can't wait until the weather shapes up...say, sometime in Spring? Ugh.

Alright, onto other things...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Sea Snakes

An IMDB search on this film only turned up a page for a film called "The Impotent Sea Snake" and referenced a company that had produced a movie called "Sexcetera"...which may have actually been a better movie than the one I watched on Saturday. A more thorough scouring of the Internet revealed that the movie was actually called Silent Venom. But Syfy, exhibiting their usual wisdom, probably decided that nobody would understand the title? No idea.

Anyway, this movie starred Sideshow Luke Perry...yes, that Luke Perry (from 90210). How far the mighty have fallen. This isn't his first movie to appear on Syfy and, from the looks of it, it won't be his last. He probably should hire a new agent...or get an agent. This movie should really have been called "Snakes on a Sub...with Luke Perry Instead of Sam Jackson". On second thought, that's a horrible title. They should've just called it "Chomp!"

So, basically, these scientists are genetically altering snakes on a remote island, they need to be picked up, blah blah blah. Luke Perry is a disgraced navy dude who gets picked to head up the mission so he can retire honorably. He gets a skeleton crew and a very old submarine that used to be a museum...also, he gets A SHIT-TON OF SNAKES!!! RUN!!!

So they pick up the scientists who covertly transport the snakes onboard. Surprise! The snakes get out! And these snakes aren't interested in sitting around, watching movies, and having a tea party. No. No, these snakes are interested in...being snakes, which means a lot of slithering and biting. Also, they tend to growl, which I still don't quite understand. And the only person they seem to not want to bite is the supposed "sexy scientist chick"...but she does get bitten around the end of the movie.

So the crew, instead of being smart and just sealing off parts of the sub, wanders about aimlessly, looking for the snakes and much biting, chomping, eating, and poisoning ensues. Oh, and the snakes get to do some of that also. To make matters worse, the Chinese are performing "military manuevers" and keep harassing the sub. And poor Luke Perry...he's too old for this shit. No, seriously, he probably is. Though he still looks like he's 16. No, wait, he played a 16-year-old. Okay, so he still looks like he's 25, playing a 16-year-old.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Snakes: Supposed to be 20, I think. Looked more like the same five.
Submarines: 2 (if you count the Chinese sub we never saw)
CGI: Crappy, but used sparingly

...That's really it. There wasn't a whole lot of anything going on except some running, screaming, and poisoning.

2 stars.

No comments: