Saturday, February 13, 2010

$20, Same as in Town

Apparently the average homo sapien sticks to his or her New Year's resolution for approximately a month and a half. See, right after the New Year started, the gym became packed with people who looked to be frantically exercising, like a psychotic gerbil burning up the wheel. Of course, I assume this was because they all made a New Year's Resolution to drop some weight. The only reason I cared is because this resulted in me actually having to wait to do something I don't particularly like--running on a treadmill. But, this entire week, the gym has been relatively empty. Way to go, guys!

The Winter Olympics have started. If you're unaware of this, move the rock, look at the fiery skyball, and turn on the TV. I'm a big fan of the Olympics and I really can't explain why. Sure, I love seeing the crazy adrenaline jockeys do maniacally insane stunts for my viewing pleasure. But, for some reason, it just feels like a worldwide party. It's a time when, sure, I can root for my athletes, but I can also just root for the world. Amazingly inspiring stories often come from the Olympic Games--tales of triumph, determination and, unfortunately, sadness. It is a horrible situation that happened to the luger in training. You can say "it's a bad start to the games" all you want but, when all is said and done, we lost one of our own. Yes, the world lost one of its own in an unfortunate accident.

If that made you sad, then I have just the right thing to cheer you up: Cauldron Fail. ;) Anyway, long live sport, and Go world!

Now, onto other matters...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Transmorphers: The Fall of Man

Okay. Let me start of by saying this...bwahahaha! No, seriously...there is nothing that isn't funny about this. First of all, it's a prequel (that I've never heard of) to a movie (that I've never heard of) made in 2007. It stars Bruce Boxleitner in yet another attempt to salvage what might be left of a rather long-dead career-like substance. Not only did he stoop low enough to be in this movie, but he dies within the first hour. Luckily, it's a heroic death.

Alright so, get this. Technological devices are transfor...er...transmorphing (I bet "transform" was copyrighted) into robots and killing people! Holy shit! Run for the hills! The toaster oven is trying to kill me! Yeah, seriously. And do you know where they came from? Yeah, you're right. The Roswell crash! Damn skippy! These transfor...er...morphing robots got all up in Earth's grill years ago and broke their ride, shattering it into pieces all over the place. Well, humans apparently got all of their current technological knowledge from that crash--toasters, TVs, everything! And, somehow, the pyramids factored into it all, but I kinda got bored with that and wandered out into traffic for a few minutes.

So, yeah, these pissed-off robots are spontaneously transfor...er...morphing and killing people! They're just killing them! Like, a cell phone changes into a little spider robot and shoots this chick in the head...while she's driving Like OMG! (stunted social commentary, anyone?) The only thing funnier would've been if the chick had been texting while driving. But anyway, I digress. So the robots invade and it seems to take only about an hour or less for them to quash all rebellion and take over the entire planet. Wow. Humans suck. I mean, couldn't we have focused on more useful technology from that stupid crash, instead of space-age vibrators and Xboxes? Waitwait...I didn't mean that. I love my Xbox.

A ragtag bunch of idiots bands together and vows to...um...well, do stuff. They end up destroying a building or something in the end...something about terraforming or whatnot. I dunno, the plot isn't important, because the fucking toaster is still trying to kill me!!! Of course, many many more transfor...er...morphers have landed on the planet, presumable from outer space, using strange vehicles that look like a d12 right out of D&D. So things look bleak, even though they destroyed some building in the end.

And, yeah, the movie makes about as much sense as all of that rambling. Seriously.

So here are your Drive-In Totals:

Captured cell phones: 2
Homicidal satellite dishes: 1
Completely brain dead mothers: 1
Chicks in too-short skirst: 0 (is there really such a thing as a skirt that's too short? Alright deliberate on that.)
Headshots: 2
Retarded, flying robots: 5. Actually, only one confirmed retard. The rest are just assumed
Supposed sexy, smart doctor chicks: 1 (as usual)

2 stars

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