I know it's been a while since I've penned...er...typographed anything. I'm sure you (and by "you", I mean the one or two people who read this) have been thinking "I wonder what that one dude who writes that one blog is up to?" Trust me. I'm realistic. I know these things.
I don't generally waste anyone's time by talking about nothing, so I'll get right to the point...
Syfy Pictures Presents: Mongolian Death Worm.
They're worms! They're Mongolian! And they bring death! Yes..."they". See, the title leads you to believe there is only one worm! But, surprise surprise, there are many! Unfortunately, it's much akin to being told there is only one mine in the minefield but there are actually 100. In case you don't get it...it's not a good thing.
Starring Sean Patrick Flanery (I've heard the name but I have no idea what he's been in--and I'm way too lazy to look.), this movie delivers...it delivers dog turds, in a bag...on fire. Also, it's being delivered by an axe-murderer pit bull with rabies.
I think it took about an hour to get any good view of a deadly Mongolian worm or to see any actual action. Most of the first half of the movie was setting up all kinds of unnecessary, worthless plot points that I didn't care about. Set in Mongolia (imagine that), there is apparently a sweeping disease while rabid, gun-toting gangmembers go around harassing people. And, oh yeah, there is an oil-drilling company run by a corrupt dude that is...um...doing something nefarious and evil. Honestly, I didn't care to find out what.
Some people are eaten, some really bad latex worms are thrown around, some treasure is found (yes, treasure), and, um...aw, who cares? Honestly, halfway through the movie I wanted to get distracted and wander out into traffic but this movie sucked all free will from me and all I could do was sit there, staring at the TV and drooling while, inside, I shouted for someone to kill me.
Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Bored viewers: 2
Times I almost fell asleep: 4
Better things to do: 524,281