Thursday, June 10, 2010

Anything is Possible

I now realize that we can accomplish anything as a society. For I have eaten a bacon donut and lived to tell the tale! Yes, my friend, someone has finally combined bacon and a donut. The floodgates have burst open!

Actually, the donut wasn't all that great, but it wasn't horrible, either. And I haven't landed in the ER for an unexpected bypass, so I can't complain!

Also, today, I realized that playgrounds will be the most ideal area to hole up and defend when the zombie apocalypse comes. I mean, most of them are fenced in and you can totally dodge zombies with all the playground equipment. And if you get overrun, what better way to escape than go down a curly slide? But you'd never have to escape because the zombies wouldn't stand a chance.

That's about as far as my creative juices flow these days. I seem to have experienced a creativity drought. Hopefully this will end soon because I've got several projects that I really want to work on--most of them are writing but there are a couple others that I really want to get jazzed about, but can't. I want to work on said projects but find myself instantly getting stuck. Grrr.

Onto bigger and better...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Princess of Mars
Starring Antonio Sabato Jr. and former porn star Traci Lords, this movie shines...like a polished turd...which means, not at all. Because, as the wise sage Butt-Head once pointed out, you can't polish a turd, Beavis. The movie is based on a book of the same name by Edgar Rice Burroughs which, I have to believe, was a whole lot better.

Here's a short synopsis: Dude is fighting in Iraq and somehow falls unconscious (I didn't see this part) then mysteriously wakes up on Mars. The air is good, there are people on the planet, and he has super strength because of lessened gravity! There are two factions fighting each other--normal people and the Thark--humanoids with ugly faces and tusks. These dudes are probably where most of the movie's budget was blown. Well, them and the red gel filters to go over all the cameras.

Anyway, the Thark don't trust the humans who run all the air purifiers. The Thark think the purifiers are meant to oppress them. Because, as we all know, the best way to oppress a people is with lifegiving Oxygen! Throw in some water and, holy crap, you can keep any civilization down! I know that's how I'd do it.

So the main character (whatever the hell his name was) somehow earns the Thark's respect and rescues the princess, only to be captured and punished (presumably to the death) by the Thark. This, of course, backfires in a really bad fight montage that consists of a lot of super jumping and some really really lame supposed sword-fighting-like substance. Once everything is solved and you think they're all going to be lovey and happy, the dude wakes up in a hospital during the war in Iraq, vowing to "make it back to Mars someday". Oh yeah? How you gonna do that, buster? Keep hitting yourself in the head until you mystically reappear on a planet a vast distance from here? Dude, go for it!

Oh hell, let's just get to the Drive-In Totals:
Former porn stars: 1
Bad CGI: Surprisingly, not much CGI at all.
Lame swordfights: 2
Rock-throwing
Gun-shooting
Spider/bat hybrid-fu
Sword-fu

2 stars

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