Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Here I sit, eating chocolate chips

Yeah, that's right. Part of being an adult means that, if you want, you can sit on your ass in front of the computer, watch "America's Got Talent", and eat some chocolate chips! Don't judge me!

I've noticed that the audio on the television is about a half second ahead of the video, so it looks like one really bad old kung-fu movie. It makes Joe Buck look like even more of a tool than he really is...which is still considerable. Actually, I could go on for a while about why I'm not a fan of Joe Buck, starting with his shifty eyebrows but I'll spare you the painstaking detail.

So, if I was to appear on "America's Got Talent", what would my talent be? The ability to not show up. Seriously. Grossing out a child by pretending to remove my thumb is about as far as my talent goes. Oh, wait, I'm also apparently really good at stealing covers at night. Does that count?

Alright, so it's time for the garden to either put up or shut up. The plants are all pretty big but aren't really producing much of anything. We got a couple of small heads of broccoli and there are a couple of tomatoes growing but that's about it so far. I hope for a veggie explosion that'll rock the planet. That's right. Fear my garden, biatch. It'll rock your face with vegetable'ness and vitamins!

Can you plant chocolate chips? Because, you know, that's be pretty sweet. I'm just saying, is all.

And, now, for something slightly related, or not...

Syfy Saturday presents: The Seamstress. I saw Toy Story 3 over the weekend but, being a good movie, it is much less fun to review. So we're going with this one.

Starring Lance Henrikson who will sign on for just about everything, it seems, this movie delves into the question 'What happens if some intern somewhere comes up with a really good idea, but totally charlie foxtrots it?"

The answer, it seems, is this pile of steaming kitchen refuse, randomly dropped together and sculpted into something that possibly resembles art...or a turd. It all depends on your perspective. Unfortunately, my perspective was sitting on the couch in bewilderment as I watched this movie, a giant "?" hovering above my head.

It goes a little something like this ...There were some killings and a mob of seven idiots thought they knew who did it so they found her and killed her along with her husband but now there is this island where people go and get totally murdered and it's all creepy and stuff because there are tails of "the seamstress" who sews their eyes and mouths shut and kills them. There is a lot of "Don't go into the woods"...and then they all go into the woods. And then some "I told your stupid asses NOT TO GO INTO THE WOODS!!" And then there's lots of running and screaming and dying etc. The problem is, it's all filmed in the actual dark. I guess Syfy misplaced their crappy night filters. Because of this, I couldn't tell what the hell was going on most of the time. Either people were being horribly killed or they were at a rave. Good chance of both. Either way, it never ended well. Or did it? A little strategic lighting would've been nice.

Okay, breathe...better? Yeah, no. That is what I think the movie is about. For all I know, it could have been about crazed, psychotic chihuahuas who are bent on world domination through crappy comic books. What? That makes no sense, you say? Yeah, neither did this movie.

Seriously. When the movie was over, I had way more questions that anything else. I got done watching the movie and it was as if I had just gotten done watching "Howard the Duck"--I was left with two questions:
1. WTF just happened?
2. Why the hell did I watch that?

So the Drive-in Totals are:

Stupid meatbags waiting to be killed: 6 (I think)
Dudes wilderness-wanking: 1
People running around in the dark: everyone
Cakes: Zero (but cakes would have been just as incomprehensible as the rest of the movie, but tastier!)
Chasing
Eye-sewing
Mouth-sewing
Sort of wire-fighting
Gun-fu
Tent-fu
Wanking-fu

1 star

2 comments:

Heidi said...

Are you going to participate in this?
http://scifimafia.com/2010/06/syfy-gives-fans-a-chance-to-write-their-own-creature-feature/

Clefton Twain said...

I totally should! Let's see..."BearSharktopus"! No no, wait..."Crocosaur vs. Mega Anteater"! Or how about "Cocktopus vs. Assodon"? (C'mon, it's a rooster-octopus combo vs. a donkey-dinosaur hybrid! Get your mind out of the gutter!)