Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Alright Already

An Open Letter to August:

Dear August,

It is not your time yet. July is not over. I know you are ready for your time and you just can't wait to swoop in and do what you do best--suck--but, seriously, why are you in such a hurry?

Don't get me wrong. The sooner you arrive, the sooner you can be over and we can get on with living. But why force your agenda on July? I fully realize that the end of July is usually a bit hot and humid...but, seriously, a heat index of 107 degrees for several days...really? Isn't that going a little too far? That's not just crossing the line, but crossing it and then turning around and pissing on it while pouring sugar in its gas tank.

So lay off a bit and let us all go outside without shriveling up into dessicated husks--maybe just for a few days? After that, you can take over. I won't really care because, then, at least football will be returning...even if it is only preseason "football'esque" substance stuff.

Sincerely,
Someone who loathes you (that's me, btw)

With that out of the way, here's the weekly review...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Goblin

Surprisingly, this movie didn't suck. No, it would never win any awards unless there is an award for "Syfy movie that doesn't totally suck". So, anyway, this movie stars Gil Bellows. You might remember him from Ally McBeal. I don't, though, because I never watched that show. But I heard he was on it.

The interesting thing is that he doesn't have Goblin in his list of movies on his IMDB page. Likewise, looking on the IMDB page for Goblin, he's not listed in the credits. I guess I can't argue with him if he wanted to disavow knowledge of the movie...it may be halfway decent, but it's still a Syfy movie. That's like saying "I'm appearing on 'Last Call with Carson Daly'"!

Sure, you're on a late-night talk show...barely. And it's hosted by Carson Daly who we all know is a tool. So should you really be proud? But I digress.

The plot is simple--way back in the day, a freak baby was born and so the crazy village elders threw it into a fire to ward away evil spirits. The baby's mother was a witch and she summoned a goblin from the baby's bones to come back every Halloween and kill all the children. Nothing special. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time this happened to me...yeah. So anyway...

So ol' Gil and his family travel to the present-day small town and for a business meeting and get embroiled in the child-munching goblin mayhem while trying to keep their infant son from being the next main course.

So no giant shark or giant octopus. Though you bet your ass I'm going to watch "Sharktopus" when it rears its ugly head. Seriously.

Alright, here are your Drive-in Totals:
Psycho witches: 1
Crazy town drunks: 1
Disembowelings: 1 (maybe more, I can't recall)
Horny teenagers: 4
DEAD horny teenagers: 2
Car-fu
Spear-fu
Running
Screaming
Munching

4 stars

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Call Shenanigans!

So, the other day, I went to my favorite park for a nice, peaceful run in the hideous heat and humidity. I often do this because I would almost rather gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon than run on a treadmill at the gym. I'd prefer to do neither of those things, so I opt to run outside. Really, it's almost like swimming in humidity, so it's not all bad.

So, anyhoo, I pull up, all fly in my Yaris and looking phat with my iPhone strapped to my arm. I get out of the car and realize that someone is blasting the most god-awful "music" I've ever heard. It's very very loud, it's obnoxious, and it's laced with profanity (the f-bomb among other words). I'm not really against profanity in music but, please, don't force others to listen to it, especially when there are children and small puppies around. It was rap, it was loud, and it was rude. And I bet any puppies in the vicinity are going to grow up to be assholes now.

The enjoyer of this music was standing outside his car, dressed with his pants down to hanging off him, and looking rather unsavory. he was standing outside his car with the door open and just blasting this nasty music. I briefly thought about asking him politely to turn it the hell down but he really looked like he'd probably try to kick my ass. In retrospect, I probably should have said something. But, really, I'm a wuss at heart. I may be able to befuddle him with sarcasm, but I somehow doubt he'd appreciate the subtlety.

So I decided to just start running. Nobody else seemed to care and there wasn't anyone really close by anyway. I put on my headphones and took off down the sidewalk.

And not five seconds after I started, I saw a police car pull around and park behind this dude's car. They got out and started talking to this promising young man while I ran off into the distance.

1.7 miles later, I have looped around the park and check out the spectacle. The music has stopped, and the police are now searching his car. He's looking rather miffed, standing outside the car with some 'splainin' to do. I continued my run. After 4.1 miles and 3 gallons of sweat later, I finish. The dude is still there and the music has not come back, but he is now talking to his friend.

So now you can read this and cry "racist!" (because the dude was, indeed black) but, honestly, I cry "idiot!" I can't totally discount the fact that the police may not have searched his car if he was white. But obviously someone either called the cops on him for noise or they heard him and investigated. Maybe they had cause to search him. Maybe not.

But, honestly, white black or any other race, if you want to be respected in life, stop looking and acting like an asshat. Seriously.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Random List

Random Stuff:
  • Sometimes a four-year-old can eat as much as me. That's saying something.
  • When Wal-Mart sponsors a TV movie, you can bet your ass you'll see "Great Value" products prominently displayed every other minute.
  • Every dog, no matter what, looks hilarious with a "cone of shame" collar around their neck.
  • The fact that every movie these days is in 3D sucks.
  • The "Syfy" network needs to knock it off already with the "Ghost Hunters" and wrestling crap.
  • Lebron James, no matter how good he plays is, and will always be, an ass. But that's not unusual, seeing as how that is a prerequisite for playing in the NBA these days.
  • The original Jurassic Park still kicks ass. Avatar, suck it.
  • Steam is not just a game service, it's an addiction. Seriously. It's ridiculous.
  • I now have all of my boardgames sitting on a small bookshelf behind me. While my collection is not that big and doesn't really get played, I still like to see them.

I have been playing Crackdown 2 and, I have to say, it's really fun. I must admit that I only got the first Crackdown game because it came with a beta invite for Halo 3 but it, too, turned out to be a lot of fun. Hence, I bought the second one. There are definitely missions and an overarching plot but screw that. I just enjoy jumping from rooftop to rooftop and mowing down mutant freaks in a car (and the occasional pack of civilians). It's very much over the top but very very fun. If you played and liked the first one, you won't be disappointed with the second one.

Last week's Syfy movie was ridiculously boring and nonsensical. Part of that may be due to the fact that we only watched the last half. Anyway, I didn't pay close enough attention to it.