Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Alright Already

An Open Letter to August:

Dear August,

It is not your time yet. July is not over. I know you are ready for your time and you just can't wait to swoop in and do what you do best--suck--but, seriously, why are you in such a hurry?

Don't get me wrong. The sooner you arrive, the sooner you can be over and we can get on with living. But why force your agenda on July? I fully realize that the end of July is usually a bit hot and humid...but, seriously, a heat index of 107 degrees for several days...really? Isn't that going a little too far? That's not just crossing the line, but crossing it and then turning around and pissing on it while pouring sugar in its gas tank.

So lay off a bit and let us all go outside without shriveling up into dessicated husks--maybe just for a few days? After that, you can take over. I won't really care because, then, at least football will be returning...even if it is only preseason "football'esque" substance stuff.

Sincerely,
Someone who loathes you (that's me, btw)

With that out of the way, here's the weekly review...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Goblin

Surprisingly, this movie didn't suck. No, it would never win any awards unless there is an award for "Syfy movie that doesn't totally suck". So, anyway, this movie stars Gil Bellows. You might remember him from Ally McBeal. I don't, though, because I never watched that show. But I heard he was on it.

The interesting thing is that he doesn't have Goblin in his list of movies on his IMDB page. Likewise, looking on the IMDB page for Goblin, he's not listed in the credits. I guess I can't argue with him if he wanted to disavow knowledge of the movie...it may be halfway decent, but it's still a Syfy movie. That's like saying "I'm appearing on 'Last Call with Carson Daly'"!

Sure, you're on a late-night talk show...barely. And it's hosted by Carson Daly who we all know is a tool. So should you really be proud? But I digress.

The plot is simple--way back in the day, a freak baby was born and so the crazy village elders threw it into a fire to ward away evil spirits. The baby's mother was a witch and she summoned a goblin from the baby's bones to come back every Halloween and kill all the children. Nothing special. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time this happened to me...yeah. So anyway...

So ol' Gil and his family travel to the present-day small town and for a business meeting and get embroiled in the child-munching goblin mayhem while trying to keep their infant son from being the next main course.

So no giant shark or giant octopus. Though you bet your ass I'm going to watch "Sharktopus" when it rears its ugly head. Seriously.

Alright, here are your Drive-in Totals:
Psycho witches: 1
Crazy town drunks: 1
Disembowelings: 1 (maybe more, I can't recall)
Horny teenagers: 4
DEAD horny teenagers: 2
Car-fu
Spear-fu
Running
Screaming
Munching

4 stars

1 comment:

KPiep said...

You are incorrect! I counted 4 dead, horny teenagers!