Sunday, October 3, 2010

Why do I do this?

A friend recently told K "when I was in the army, we were told that 80% of civilians can't run a mile." I find this to be a positive thing. Why? Well, those 80% will become the living dead when the zombie apocalypse happens, and I'll be totally safe! That also translates into slow, out-of-shape zombies, so they'll be easy to pick off!

This weekend was the Roots N' Blues N' Barbeque Half-Marathon. I ran it. I have run it (or its predecessor) for a few years now. The results are as follows:



So it went well--not as well as last year, but well. I did stop and walk a few times. The hills during the second half of the run are really brutal. Whoever came up with this course should be killed a minimum of three times. The have no business planning half-marathons. In fact, I'm willing to bet that whoever planned this course will be one of the zombies during the apocalypse.

So there are a few things I can take away from this year's run:
  • The perfect breakfast after a half-marathon is barbeque. Totally.
  • Rockstar Lemonade tastes like three different kinds of ass. It was free and it's normally about $4 a can. So, sure, it's liquid gold...that tastesl ike three different varieties of ass.
  • Even though I didn't do as well as last year, I am still very pleased with my performance.
  • If you're going to have a pace runner...make sure said pace runner is actually running the pace he's marked to run. Seriously. If you're a 1 hr 45 min. pace runner, don't make me think I'm doing really awesome when I pass you. Move your lousy ass!
  • K did better than last year, and she totally rocks.
  • There is nothing like a pumpkin latte after a half-marathon.

Also, yesterday, G and I went looking for Halloween decorations and horror movies. Both searches were met with such disappointing lameness that I am thoroughly saddened. The decorations this year a really sad. There is nothing realy inspired or awesome and even some of the usual staples aren't around. And as far as finding good, classic horror movies goes it was even worse. Try to find the original "Halloween" or "Halloween 2" and you will be disappointed. I mean, seriously? I did find "Baseketball" on DVD for $5, so the search wasn't all bad.

And then there's...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Graves

It really says something about a movie when you can't find it on IMDB. This particular gem stars nobody you've heard of except maybe Tony Todd (yes, The Candyman). There are very few main characters, actually, and most everyone gets killed off in the first 30 minutes.

But I digress.

So two sisters are roadtripping to...well, I have no idea where. But they stop in a little town called "Unity" where they meet all sorts of freakshows, including the town preacher (Tony Todd). They are directed to a popular local tourist trap--an old mine. This is when the shit hits the fan, people start dying, and the "I don't get what's going on here" starts flowing like beer from a keg.

This blacksmith dude is running around the mine, killing people but telling them that he doesn't enjoy it. Then his brother comes along and starts killing people, only he says that enjoys it. There's a psycho lady called "Mama" running around as well. Though, really, the only thing truly psycho about her is her red teeth. Don't get me wrong...that's pretty nasty to begin with.

As it turns out...and this is a shocker...the entire town is in on it! Didn't see that coming? What? Were you flipping channels again? So, yeah. The entire town must harvest souls for a local demon who hangs out there. And the demon has this really nasty armpit odor that causes people to go all psycho and attack anything that moves. So, yeah.

Oh, and the movie is called "Graves" because the two sisters share the last name of "Graves". Yep, that's it.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:

  • Stupid tourists: 4
  • Stupid sisters: 2
  • Demons who need to shower: 1
  • Harvested souls: the entire damn town of Unity
  • Knitting needle-fu
  • Stick-fu
  • Scythe-fu
  • Blood-spewing
  • Gun-in-the-face

3 stars

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