Monday, December 27, 2010

So this was Christmas

Time was spent with family, presents have been unwrapped, and much food was eaten...then some more was eaten and, after some coffee, more was eaten.

Then I ate a little more. But there was Chinese food involved, so of course I was hungry soon after! Duh.

I put out the Mizzou flag for the Insight Bowl last night and forgot to bring it in. When I went to get it this morning, it was gone. Reason #251 why I would like to move out of any kind of neighborhood. I'm a sucky neighbor, and my neighbors all suck.

Not really much else to say except...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Shark Swarm
This four-hour toothy extravaganza stars John Schneider, Daryl Hannah, and Armand Assante. That's right...Bo Duke, a mermaid and...um...well, I don't really know what Armand Assante's been in, but I've heard the name before.

What do you get when you combine these three actors, a sleepy town by the bay, and a bunch of pissed off sharks? You get FOUR HOURS OF BOREDOM! Yes...four hours. I may have thought more of this movie if it had been the standard, two-hour fare--and it should've been. But it wasn't. And I cried.

So this sleepy town by the bay has a problem. Yep, you guessed it--sharks. Well, okay...two problems. First there are the sharks, then there is also this a-hole (Assante) who is buying up all the land in the area so he can put up condos. Oh, but wait. There is a third problem! The fishing industry has gone to pot--there appears to be no fish in the bay at all anymore! Oh no! A fourth problem?? The sharks are constipated! Well, maybe not...but who's going to ask them to provei t?

It seems that someone is leaking toxic chemicals into the bay and killing off all the fish while also somehow pissing off the sharks, causing them to swarm and eat anything in sight. Now, in normal movies, this would mutate the sharks into some strange hybrids that could shoot lasers and predict lottery numbers. Maybe that would've required a four-hour movie. But in this movie, they just get pissed off and hungry. Two hours, max.

So basically, for four hours, everyone runs around, not realizing there are sharks that are eating people. John Schneider goes berserk and hulks out a couple of times, Daryl Hannah stays on land and doesn't grow a mermaid tail, and the sharks...they eat people...sometimes.

There really isn't any more to say about this movie. Those four hours felt like four days. I had to go to therapy afterward, but I'm recovering nicely. Thanks for asking.

So here are your Drive-in Totals:
  • Duke boys: 1
  • Uncle Jesses: 0
  • Mermaids: 0
  • Sharks: 0 --They were all CGI and it was all the same footage
  • Contrived plots: 1
  • Munching
  • Swarming
  • Gun-fu
  • Cage-fu

5 billion stars. (Really only 2, but we're rating this movie by the hour)

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