Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Well, so much for that

So March is here. We all know the saying "In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb", right? So, yeah. We've definitely had the weather--the snow, primarily. Only, this March has been pretty much like "In like a lion...that can't make up its damned mind...and is kind of a jerkface." One day it snows, the next day it's 75 degrees. The day after it rains, then snows. Then it's 70 degrees. Seriously, WTF March? I guess that's why they don't say "In like an intelligent lion." Lousy cats. Anyway, here's hoping that we're done with the snow, but that it doesn't immediately move to "90 degrees and humid as a swamp." Kthx.

Alright. So my Internet service provider...their name rhymes with "SchMediacom"...they are essentially delivering me about 1/6th the bandwidth that I am actually paying for. I figured this all out on my own when my downloads were pulling in at about 50-100k/sec (instead of the 8-12 Mbps I should be getting). And, before you go making the joke...it wasn't porn--I was re-downloading my Steam games. The porn comes after the games. Time to rethink your priorities. (Disclaimer: I wouldn't have room for porn anyway...on account of all the games)

I called Medicaom's support once to get some help. Silly me. I really should've just beaten myself about the face with a sack of wet marmosets. I probably would've gotten more help that way. They sent out a tech. Tech said there had been lots of complaints but didn't really find anything (since my bandwidth drops like Mel Gibson's career only between the hours of 5 pm - 12 am--imagine that). So the connection still sucks.

And I call again...letting the tech know they can stow the bullshit because I am calling solely to complain. And what does this lady do? "Sir, I'll need you to bypass the router and..." Really? I guarantee I know more than all of their phone jockeys combined. But that's neither here nor there. I jumped through their hoops and--surprise--ANOTHER TECH is going to drop by tomorrow and chat! Boo!

My plan is to call one more time to complain if it doesn't clear up. And I will ask for a manager. And I will tell said overpaid monkeyturd that, since I get about 1/6th of the bandwidth that they promise, then they will get 1/6th of the money they charge me. Sounds fair to me. And, as I've specified through various other outlets, I submitted a complaint to the Better Business Bureau. Not that I expect it to actually affect anything, but I figure it's my civic duty to try to make their lives a living hell.

Also, Wanda Sykes may just be the funniest woman ever to be brought into existence. Dayum.

Alright, onto better things...depending on how you look at it.

Syfy Pictures Presents: Battle of Los Angeles
I really had to stop and digest this movie for a while. And I'm still not entirely sure I understand...well, any of it. Starring Nia Peeples (you may or may not know who she is, but her name is awesome), It really looks like Syfy made this movie, then saw the movie (in theaters) "Battle: Los Angeles", and there was a collective "Oh crap, our awesome idea was TAKEN BY HOLLYWOOD!!"

Well, not exactly. More like "Our piece of crap has almost the same name as this soon-to-be blockbuster! Put it out there NOW!" It's like going to buy a car and being offered a "Fjord" instead of a "Ford"...or a "General Mortars" instead of "General Motors"...or a steamy turd instead of a Saturn--no, wait...that would be a good deal after all. Nevermind that last one.

Anyhoo, the movie opens basically in the middle of an invasion. The big alien ship has already been hovering over the city and the air force has launched planes to attack. In true "Independence Day" style, Earth's forces get completely spanked and made to cry like babies while strange aliens that resemble something my friends and I, as kids, built out of a trash can and some Legos. One of them catches grenades and throws them back (which is awesome) and basically gives the Army the alien finger.

By then, however, it's already gone far downhill...like "Charlie Sheen tiger blood" downhill...so far and so fast that there is absolutely no going back. See, this pilot dude from the 1950s shows up in his airplane but, later, it turns out he's just one of those killer spheres from Hellraiser hiding out in the head of a fake dude. And then Nia Peeples, out of nowhere, jumps into action, stabbing alien spaceships with a katana and trying to be all mysterious and stuff. Then they kamikaze the massive alien ship with an old alien fighter ship (previously hanging in plain sight--JFK's idea) and meet up with a giant, ugly space worm. And THEN, they upload a virus to the alien ship with a Mac and a modem and...no, wait, that was Independence Day. But that was equally batshit ridiculous.

Blah blah, Drive-In Totals: blah blah
"Independence Day" moments: At least half the movie
Times I thought I was watching Dr. Who: 1
Characterization: 0
Times I wanted to slap someone: 10
Army dudes who just. won't. die: 1
Sword-fu
Grenade-fu
Spaceship-stabbing
Head-slicing
Sphere-o-Death drilling

1 1/2 stars

WTF did I just watch?

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