Friday, April 29, 2011

Check, Please!

So I'm sitting here (TM), watching the NFL draft, wondering if this is the only NFL football action I will get all year. Man, I hope not. Without football, I might actually have to be productive!! I'd rather lay drywall than...waitaminute, that would be productive right? Dammit.

The garden is...still in its peat pots, waiting to be planted. It's been so cold and rainy that I've not dared to put the plants in the ground. The issue with this is the tomato plants--they're all growing funky and look like horrible Teenage Mutant Ninja Tomatoes. They're all twisted and gnarly. Hopefully I can still get them to grow straight once planted. The peppers are coming along very slowly. Part of me simply wants to skip the garden this year but, well, I've already got the plants growing; I might as well go ahead with it.

I also really need to finish the second retaining wall. The first one is a tiny bit slanted, but I'd say it was a good effort for me--building a retaining wall with no knowledge whatsoever. The second one seems to be straight and level. Now if it would just stop raining all the time...

Syfy Pictures Presents: "Roadkill". I could not provide a link because, well, I couldn't find the damned movie anywhere. That's just how good it is! Can you believe it!? What? No? You don't believe it? So what am I supposed to do with all this horse crap if I can't feed it to you!?

So, anyway, this movie stars...NOBODY!! That's right--a bunch of scabs, baby! There isn't even an actor in this movie you could mistake for someone else! That's Syfy's seal of quality. How's that? Because these are absolutely the best quality scabs ever! Yeah, if you believe that, you'll believe anything.

So a group of friends decide to go on a road trip in Ireland. They pile into an RV and off they go! Vroom vroom! Along the way they stop at a rather sleazy-looking gas station and meet some rather sleazy-looking people playing cards. A souvenir is bought, another one is swiped, a gypsy is run down, some profanities are yelled, and I'm pretty sure someone peed themself. Maybe not. Anyway, they haul ass out of their in their RV, but not before the gypsy chick can curse their asses.

And what does she curse them with? She sics her pet bird on the lousy kids. But it's no ordinary parrot. Nope...it's a really freaking huge parrot! And by "parrot", I mean "Roc", the legendary giant bird. "Ha ha, sucker", the friends all say...until one of them is scooped up and taken away by the giant bird. Oh, there's also a random kid standing in the middle of the road making throat-slitting motions. Then he runs away, only to sell refreshing beverages at his lemonade stand close by. He also sold pet rocks.

So, yeah...not only is the giant turkey chasing them, but so are the gypsy lady's family. And, wouldn't you know it? It's the same people who were playing cards at the gas station! Surprise!

Okay, so honestly, this movie would've been much better if the bird breathed fire, had a sonic squawk, or pooped acid on cars or something...something other than simply being a giant Thanksgiving dinner. They should've skipped the CGI and simply zoomed in on a pigeon or something.

There is a lot more that happens but most of it is running, screaming, dying, and worthless backstory exposition. It's much akin to being constipated and describing it to everyone...except that there's a bird involved in one of those situations.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Gypsies slaughtered: 3
Faces rocked: 2
Rabbits killed: 2
Bathroom breaks taken: 2 (yeah, that was me)
Gun-fu
Medallion-fu
RV-fu
Faceraking
Blowtorchmaking
2 stars

Thursday, April 14, 2011

And it begins...

Today was the ceremonial "First mowing of the lawn". It is celebrated by an elaborate ceremony involving gasoline, a whirling blade, and a whole lot of whining and lamenting of the days when the grass was considerate enough to stop freaking growing so damned fast! I tried to use Runkeeper on my phone to determine just how far I walk when I cut the grass. According to it, I walk approximately .02 miles in an hour.

Fail.

Also, I just ate a box of Peeps that I suspect were made of sandpaper. Yep, I ate them. They were still delicious...in the only way that Peeps can be.

I realize that this might be old news to some but, well, this is just really funny...and sad (and I simply wanna post it). See, many of our congressmen suffer from "Idiotic Douchebag Symdrome" or, IDS. Its symptoms include extreme stupidity and the inability to have their heart beat without consciously thinking about it.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20001567-503544.html (Warning: Extreme stupidity)

So, without further ado...Syfy Presents: Ferocious Planet

(First of all, it is important to note that "Ferocious Planet" was followed by "Savage Planet"...which, to my disappointment, was not followed by "Super Delicious Candy Planet".)

Joe Flanigan, from Stargate: Atlantis fame stars in this latest offering from Syfy. It's not a complicated piece of cinema--top secret device is invented, goes awry and then shit gets real. Oh also, John Rhys Davies is in this movie, but barely...mostly, his butt and legs are. In addition, I recommend you look at his page on IMDB (follow the link) and check out his pic...it's awesome.

So, yeah. Some poindexters working for the government develop a special machine that allows them to peer into other dimensions. But, rest assured, they can only see into them. Oh wait...something mysteriously goes wrong and...you guessed it, transports them (and some of the building) into one of those dimensions. I've said it many times, but I'll reiterate...Much running, screaming, eating, and other general mayhem ensues. Really, much of this movie should have been set to some Weird Al song.

After they sit around, baffled, and some individuals die in hilarious ways, they formulate a plan. What's awesome is that they don't really know how they got to this dimension, but they know exactly how to get back, and that they have six hours to do so! Standing between them and success is miles of strange land inhabited by, essentially, tyrannosaurs with huge mandibles and multiple eyes...and acid and ammonia for blood. I bet they pooped little baby, laser shooting circular saws, too.

That's really pretty much it. These people stumble through the wilderness, getting picked off or wandering off on their own and failing at many things. I'm not entirely sure the movie was made in all seriosity, so I don't mind saying that I laughed a lot at it. Not that I'd really feel bad saying that about most Syfy movies. But I was always taught that you shouldn't laugh at train wrecks.

Anyway, here are your Drive-in Totals:

Monsters a' munchin': 4-10 (I lost count)
People a' screamin': 9 (I think...not everyone screamed)
Machines a' Misbehavin': 1
Senators a' Splodin': 1
Torso-eating
Egg-stealing
Pen-fu
Bullet-fu

3 stars