Friday, April 29, 2011

Check, Please!

So I'm sitting here (TM), watching the NFL draft, wondering if this is the only NFL football action I will get all year. Man, I hope not. Without football, I might actually have to be productive!! I'd rather lay drywall than...waitaminute, that would be productive right? Dammit.

The garden is...still in its peat pots, waiting to be planted. It's been so cold and rainy that I've not dared to put the plants in the ground. The issue with this is the tomato plants--they're all growing funky and look like horrible Teenage Mutant Ninja Tomatoes. They're all twisted and gnarly. Hopefully I can still get them to grow straight once planted. The peppers are coming along very slowly. Part of me simply wants to skip the garden this year but, well, I've already got the plants growing; I might as well go ahead with it.

I also really need to finish the second retaining wall. The first one is a tiny bit slanted, but I'd say it was a good effort for me--building a retaining wall with no knowledge whatsoever. The second one seems to be straight and level. Now if it would just stop raining all the time...

Syfy Pictures Presents: "Roadkill". I could not provide a link because, well, I couldn't find the damned movie anywhere. That's just how good it is! Can you believe it!? What? No? You don't believe it? So what am I supposed to do with all this horse crap if I can't feed it to you!?

So, anyway, this movie stars...NOBODY!! That's right--a bunch of scabs, baby! There isn't even an actor in this movie you could mistake for someone else! That's Syfy's seal of quality. How's that? Because these are absolutely the best quality scabs ever! Yeah, if you believe that, you'll believe anything.

So a group of friends decide to go on a road trip in Ireland. They pile into an RV and off they go! Vroom vroom! Along the way they stop at a rather sleazy-looking gas station and meet some rather sleazy-looking people playing cards. A souvenir is bought, another one is swiped, a gypsy is run down, some profanities are yelled, and I'm pretty sure someone peed themself. Maybe not. Anyway, they haul ass out of their in their RV, but not before the gypsy chick can curse their asses.

And what does she curse them with? She sics her pet bird on the lousy kids. But it's no ordinary parrot. Nope...it's a really freaking huge parrot! And by "parrot", I mean "Roc", the legendary giant bird. "Ha ha, sucker", the friends all say...until one of them is scooped up and taken away by the giant bird. Oh, there's also a random kid standing in the middle of the road making throat-slitting motions. Then he runs away, only to sell refreshing beverages at his lemonade stand close by. He also sold pet rocks.

So, yeah...not only is the giant turkey chasing them, but so are the gypsy lady's family. And, wouldn't you know it? It's the same people who were playing cards at the gas station! Surprise!

Okay, so honestly, this movie would've been much better if the bird breathed fire, had a sonic squawk, or pooped acid on cars or something...something other than simply being a giant Thanksgiving dinner. They should've skipped the CGI and simply zoomed in on a pigeon or something.

There is a lot more that happens but most of it is running, screaming, dying, and worthless backstory exposition. It's much akin to being constipated and describing it to everyone...except that there's a bird involved in one of those situations.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Gypsies slaughtered: 3
Faces rocked: 2
Rabbits killed: 2
Bathroom breaks taken: 2 (yeah, that was me)
Gun-fu
Medallion-fu
RV-fu
Faceraking
Blowtorchmaking
2 stars

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