Wednesday, December 14, 2011

It's Been a Year Already?

It's that time of year again...the season is in full swing. Money is spent and, just like every other year, I feel as if it was a huge waste of money. Never is there much satisfaction in this transaction (ooh, I rhymed!).

You might think the blessed event to which I refer is Christmas shopping. Nay, I say. Sometimes I enjoy Christmas shopping. Certainly, where Christmas shopping is represented by a unicorn made of lollipops, this event is represented by a pissed off, undead platypus made of licorice jelly beans and pure hatred.

Also, the platypus has naked pictures of me and is going to post them on the Internet. Oh, and he has a chainsaw...though I have no idea what he's going to use it for. Yeah, I hate this event that much. But what...what event could possibly be this putrid and vile, you ask? Three words.

Homeowner's.
Association.
Dues.

Every time we pay this "bill", I feel like I just paid someone perfectly good money to punch babies and make my life miserable. Every time, I feel like a piece of me dies horribly in a tire fire, screaming "Whyyyyyy???" If that part of me is cancer, then I suppose I could handle that. Otherwise, no dice.

So, yeah...every year that's a check I don't want to write. Why? Because our Homeowner's Association is silly. You may or may not remember that I used to be the Vice President and, then, the President of such an accursed pact. I joined so that I could keep the association from doing things that normally piss off homeowners. Long story short...our Homeowner's Association is silly. Normally I'd use stronger words but I'm feeling festive!!

But enough about that. How about this?

Syfy Saturday Presents: Snowmageddon (cue suspenseful music and shocked gopher-like creature).

So you're all being comfy on the couch and decide to watch this "Snowmageddon" movie because, in the past, Syfy has delivered some awesome gems of the cinema, right? So there's this small, rather isolated town, right? And people are all going about their business, doing their normal "pre-disaster" activities like buying toilet paper and...using toilet paper. Nobody suspects anything until BOOM!!! Oh no! Hell! It's broken loose! Aaaaaa!!!

Sounds like any normal Syfy movie, right? WRONG!! You are so wrong! You couldn't be any more wrong if you had an automatic "Wrong machine" on the wrongest day of the wrongest month of the WRONGEST YEAR!!!

Okay, actually, you're pretty close. But, see, there's this magic snowglobe causing everything. I know, right? And once they find out, this kid and his father can't get anyone to believe them!!!

But that's only true for, like, three minutes. Surprisingly, after a few seconds of skepticism, everyone jumps on board and is all like "Yeah, we believed you from the start!" and "I wanna have your babies!!" and "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"

So...that's pretty much it. Snowglobe. Disasters. Oddly enough, the movie is titled "Snowmageddon" but snow actually has a very small part in the whole story. Volcanoes, mystical ground spikes, and earthquakes take center stage instead. They probably should have called this movie "Randomshitmageddon".

Oh, also, this movie stars nobody you've heard of. Trust me.

Okay, so here are your Drive-In Totals:
Ski punks snuffed: 2
Mysteriously disappearing babysitters: 1
Downed helicopters: 1
Really far-out metaphors relating to a nerdy board game that is patterned heavily after Lord of the Rings: 1
Spike-fu
Lava-fu
Spiking
Snoring (sorry, that was me)
Evil storms

2 stars

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