I think I'm just going to get right to it this week.
Syfy Saturday Presents: Arachnoquake.
Aw yeah. There is nothing like a good giant spider movie to warm the heart and take your mind off all other things...unless you were originally thinking about giant spiders. In which case, you really should find a hobby or, perhaps, try not to think about polar bears.
It would appear that, to make a giant spider movie, you are arbitrarily required to not make it a serious movie. Case in point: Arachnophobia and Eight-Legged Freaks. This particular piece of cinema follows suit.
So, anyway, you'll recognize Tracey Gold (Growing Pains) and Edward Furlong (Terminator 2) in this movie. Tracey Gold is Edward Furlong's wife. He's a high school girls' softball coach on a trip back from an away game and...you know what? Screw that. Nobody cares. THERE ARE GIANT SPIDERS ABOUT, MAN!!!
See, there is this earthquake that opens up the ground and lets these little buggers out. Of course, the first thing they do when they escape their prison, is find out if the Cubs have won the World Series. The second thing they do is go see The Avengers. Then the third thing they do is run amok, wildly killing people and just basically ruining vacations for tourists. How rude.
Later on we find out that...wait for it...wait for it...THEY BREATHE FIRE!! Aw yeah, baby! Fire-breathing giant spiders! I was totally hoping they'd start using guns but, alas, I was disappointed. But my rage subsided quickly when the momma of giant spiders was discovered and went rampaging through the city streets.
In the end, the deadbeat son/bus driver saves the day by suiting up in an old diving suit, being swallowed by the spider and, subsequently, "number two'd" by the behemoth. Doesn't sound like a real good plan, I know, but I guess he left some explosives inside. Spider go boom.
With the momma suitably asploded, all the other giant spiders miraculously drop dead! We're all saved!!
Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Godzilla spiders: 1
Kirk Camerons: 0
Human-spider excursions: 1
Aerosol can flamethrowers