Saturday, July 13, 2013

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a...SHARK?


Some of you might have noticed that the Syfy movie reviews have dwindled, or to put it another way, dropped off entirely. Why is this, you ask? Well, because most Syfy movies were actually just becoming too painful to watch. Watching them was like stabbing myself in the eye with a sharp stick in hopes of one day finding gold. Did that make sense to you? Because it didn't make sense to me...much like the Syfy films of late.

And it quickly became apparent that Syfy was abandoning their original movies altogether when they replaced their time slot with Sinbad and Primevil: New World.

But, then, Syfy comes roaring back with a film so pivotal, so ambitious, that it blew me away like something things away. That's right. I'm talking about Sharknado.

Yes. Sharknado. What, you ask? Okay, I'll tell you one more time. Sharknado.

What is a "Sharknado", you ask? Why, pull up a stool, dear reader, and let me spin a tale that involves sharks and, um, tomatoes. No, wait. Tornadoes!

This piece of cinematic gold stars Ian Zering (yes, from 90210) as "Fin", and Tara Reid (yes, that one) as April, Fin's dubious wife. Pretty much the rest of the cast, played by people you've never heard of, serves as shark snacks.

The first thing I must inform you of is that, strangely enough, tornadoes made of sharks are actually not the least plausible concepts in this movie. There are so many other things that are much less plausible that will make you think "yeah, right, like that could ever happen" while you're laughing so hard your toenails hurt.


So, there is this hurricane headed toward California (inconceivable!) and, even though it is looming in the distance and all the TV stations are going on about it, nobody seems to care. In fact, Fin and his buddy are out surfing but, unfortunately, there is a huge swarm of sharks trying to escape the hurricane. During their flight, one latches onto the leg of Fin's friend. They make it to shore, blah blah, munch munch...yes, some people were eaten in rather hilarious ways. One guy is on the beach, completely missing his leg and crying like a wimp (suck it up, man!) while everyone pays attention to Fin's friend who has a tiny scratch on his leg.

Hurricane hits, stuff is destroyed and...well, we now watch the sharks fly...through windows, into cars, and on top of people. I can't really describe how funny the mayhem is except to say, while it's going on, you really should listen to Yakkety Sax. In fact, I'm listening to it right now, imagining the carnage, and snickering. I crap you negative. In fact, what the hell, just put this song on endless loop through the entire movie.

At some point, the group was chased by a ferris wheel. Oh, and there's an old drunk guy who was pretty badass with a bar stool. He later became shark food. BUT THE BAR STOOL LIVES ON!!

Alright, so, things get worse, sharks fall from the sky, crash through windows, drive cars, and fly planes. Okay, some of that might be a slight truth exaggeration. You decide which. Fin and his crew are trying to flee the city but Fin, being the good guy, keeps stopping to help all those poor slobs who, for some reason, keep getting themselves into more trouble than the Scooby Gang. Along the way, his car starts leaking gas. Everyone quickly exits the vehicle just in time for it to explode. Yes, it exploded...with absolutely NO fire anywhere to be seen. in fact, there was WATER everywhere. But, somehow, the vehicle exploded. Inconceivable! I was totally willing to buy into a sharknado, but an exploding vehicle for no reason? Ha! I couldn't stop laughing.

Blah blah, more running, screaming, chomping happens. Sometimes, you'd see some poor slob standing in the road and a shark would just fly by and snatch them up. At one point, the camera showed water raging out of a storm drain and I said "Wouldn't it be hilarious if a shark came sliding out of that drain, screaming 'Wheeeeeeee!!!'?" Half a second later, sure enough, out popped a shark! It was not screaming "wheeeeee!" though. I was disappoint...but still laughing. By now, my sides hurt.

Blah blah, more chomping, screaming, and running. The crew happens upon an airport next to...wait for ready?...a retirement home! When one of the characters asked about the silly juxtaposition, another one replied "Well, old people can't hear well, so they must not care!" THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING!!!

So Fin rescues his son who must be a genius because he has a plan to stop the sharknadoes!!! Yes, there are THREE. And he can stop them!! How, you ask? By throwing bombs at them!!! That's right. They will defeat the sharknadoes by throwing bombs at them. Inconceivable! So the son and the hot bartender chick fly a helicopter up to the sharknadoes and blow up two of them. Yep. They defeated tornadoes...made of sharks...with a bomb. At this point, I was nearly passing out from laughter. Oh, and the chick falls out of the helicopter, only to be scooped up by a shark on the way down. Just now, thinking about it, I'm laughing some more.

Meanwhile, Fin's best bud somehow gets another shark latched onto the same leg!! When the hell did this happen?? Anyway, he's dragged off and eaten. The rest of the crew finds sharks in the pool at the retirement home. Fin pours gasoline into the pool and sets it on fire...then it explodes. Yep. THE POOL EXPLODES!!! For no reason. Inconceivable!

In the end, the evil sharknadoes are defeated but not before Fin, with a chainsaw, is swallowed by a shark which falls to the ground, dead. A short time later, he saws his way out of the shark...AND GOES BACK IN TO PULL OUT THE PREVIOUSLY SWALLOWED BARTENDER CHICK!! After brief CPR, she's alive and they're all laughing.

And so was I.

So, let's keep going with some more inconceivable things. At one point, Fin is shooting a pistol at sharks in the air. They're falling right toward him and, by shooting a single round into each one, he changes their trajectory. Likewise, he saws one in half as it's falling. A car explodes without fire. A pool explodes with fire, and bombs defeat tornadoes. All of this...and I found it sillier than the actual sharknadoes themselves which, admittedly, are very silly to begin with. Oh, also, there was a decked-out Hum-Vee with a nitrous oxide button.

All of this adds up to be the absolute silliest movie I have ever viewed, and I loved it.

Here's a quote:
Chick: "That's a tiger shark down there."
Dude: "How do you know?"
Chick: "Shark week."

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Sharks: About a half-billion
Sharknadoes: Three
Underpaid Bus Drivers: One
Exploding Pools: One

Five stars.

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