Random Acts of Randomosity

Let's talk about...

2012-02-11T12:23:00.004-06:00

Joysticks.

No, that's not a euphemism. I really want to take a second to talk about joysticks. Weird, huh? See, the joystick was one of the first video game controllers invents. I'm guessing it might have been the first controller but I have not found any definitive proof of that.

This is why it pains me to discover, after multiple "Battlefield" games, that EA and DiCE can't seem to figure out how to code a game to properly use a joystick. In all honesty, I have to assume that DiCE is inept and simply doesn't know how to code a game to take advantage of a joystick. Somehow, I got my joystick to work in Battlefield 2 but in no other game. Why is this? A scant few individuals have gotten theirs to work in different Battlefield games but that seems to be pretty rare.

To be truthful, the Battlefield games are really fun. But they are some of the most poorly-coded games out there. The game browser has always been dismal and the games themselves have always been unstable and full of silly bugs that never should have made it out of beta. Alas, I am as guilty as everyone else--I sometimes buy their games even though I detest EA as a company. I am working on that.

So, to adequately fly a jet or helicopter, I had to buy a wired Xbox controller, leaving my perfectly good joystick to sit and gather dust. The Xbox controller works flawlessly but, if DiCE could code for that, why couldn't they code for a PC joystick?

That is all.

Getting My Thoughts Together

2012-01-22T10:16:00.001-06:00

WotC have announced that they have been working on a new version of Dungeons and Dragons--since 2010. This both surprises me and doesn't surprise me.

On the one hand, 4e was not the resounding success that they thought it was going to be. In my mind, it was a complete failure--it was nothing that I wanted in my D&D brand. On the other hand, it surprises me that they have given up on it so quickly. In 2010, 4e was literally only 4 years old.

On a third hand (yeah, I'm a freak!), Paizo's Pathfinder RPG was literally showing WotC how it's done. Now, first, I must say that I've only played a couple of games of 4e. Those couple of games did not impress me. I had fun playing, but that was because I was among friends, cracking jokes and having a good time. I also have not actually played a Pathfinder game, ever. But I've read up a bit on Pathfinder. Paizo did it right. WotC did it wrong. Obviously that is simply my opinion, and I respect those conflicting opinions.

When 4e came out, I was at Gencon. I was disappointed. I was hot into 3.5 and loving it. So seeing WotC drop it and move on really made me sad. I attempted to embrace 4e but, the more I tried, the more I rejected it. There is next to no information about the next version but I see it as "WotC learning from mistakes" and, hopefully, they have.

I haven't played D&D since I basically quit my gaming group, but I still love the game. So, WotC, please don't screw this one up, k? That being said, should I ever go back and play again, it'll probably be Pathfinder.

Okay, onto lighter topics, like...

Syfy Saturday: Snow Beast

Starring John Schneider (yes, Bo Duke himself) as a single father with an angst-ridden teenage daughter, this movie tries to accomplish...well, I'm not really sure what it tries to accomplish, actually. Sure, there is snow, and there is a snow beast but...there is a lot less snow beast than I thought there would be. In fact, I think this movie is mostly about the father and the daughter, with some random snow beast interaction and mutilation.

So the father is part of a team that travels to a remote cabin in Canada once a year to track the lynx. He is punishing his daughter for fighting at school by bringing her along for the ride. She, of course, is thrilled...and sarcastic...and rather all-around unpleasant.

Once they meet up with the other two individuals of the team, they all start becoming stupid. I am not sure what the writers were thinking, but all of these characters started out looking rather intelligent and then devolve into stupidity. But enough about that.

So the snow beast is apparently a ninja of awesome ability. It moves silently and quickly and kills pretty much everything that moves...which makes the following even funnier.

See, instead of using crappy CGI, at which I am accustomed to laughing, they used a crappy costume with a dude inside. So when it was just brief flashes of snow beast, it was fine (still funny, though) but, when it came to actually seeing the whole snow beast run through the snow, it was absolutely hilarious. It looked, well, like a dude in a crappy costume.

There is, however, one lesson we can all take away from this movie--don't take a leak in the middle of nowhere. this is key. If you remember nothing else, keep that in mind. Seriously.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Dudes peeing in the middle of nowhere: 1
Ranger chow: 1
Snowboarder chow: 1
Snowmobile-fu
Tranq dart-fu
Knife-fu
Head-crushing
People-munching

2 stars

SOPA and PIPA

2012-01-18T08:21:00.002-06:00

This post is simply to urge you to read up on SOPA and PIPA and decide how you feel, then take action. Obviously, I am not going to tell you what to do about them--that is for you to decide.

As for me, I am staunchly against them.

Here is a good rundown of what they are about: http://blog.reddit.com/2012/01/technical-examination-of-sopa-and.html

Happy New Somethingorother

2012-01-08T18:29:00.004-06:00

It's a new year. I hope everyone is having a wonderful one thus far. If not, you only have 358 more to improve it. Just saying.

In this, the new year, I find myself mired in games. This is a very good problem to have, so I cannot really find the energy to complain about it. But I do tend to get into the mindset of, no matter what I play, I feel like I should be playing something else.

I'm Playing Starcraft? Shouldn't I be playing some Halo: CE Anniversary? After all, I haven't even touched multiplayer yet. If I'm playing Skyrim, am I not missing out by playing some Starcraft 2 with friends? And then there is Battlefield 3...maybe I should just play some Envirobear 2000?? (ha ha) I also downloaded Freespace and Freespace. Then there is Fallout: New Vegas that I snagged off of the latest Steam sale for next to nothing. I'm saving Amnesia (also from the Steam sale) for next Halloween. :)

And, yet, more games are on the horizon. Diablo 3 is obviously on my list. I'm not sure there is a gamer on this planet who isn't looking forward to it. There is the Heart of the Swarm expansion for Starcraft 2. Tribes: Ascension has promise. But, dammit, where the hell is my Mechwarrior V? Seriously, I 10 ccs of battlemech IV push...STAT...or something. I'm also guessing Skyrim will have some DLC. You know, horse armor or a toilet to decorate your house with--very important additions.

And people wonder why I don't badgewhore on Kongregate anymore. Heh. (Well, badgewhore less).

I'm toying with the idea of getting a Kinect for the Xbox. Hell, I'm toying with the idea of finding a cheap Xbox and Kinect and using it for the kids. I'm really not sure I myself would use a Kinect very much but I know the girls would totally love it. I also kinda find the idea of two Xboxes in our house to be a little silly.

Lately, the roleplaying bug seems to have bitten me. I think it's cyclical. But I've been missing a good roleplaying group. Not sure anything will come along to scratch this itch, but it's there...nagging me much like that one itch that hits you while you're playing Rock Band or, for us old-schoolers, Breakout, and you aren't able to take your hand off the controller to scratch it.

Also, I recently acquired a copy of DungeonQuest and kinda want to play it, too.

Guess we'll see what happens! So many games, so little opportunity!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T20:11:00.004-06:00

Just wanting to stop and take a moment to wish all of you readers (all two and a half of you) a Merry Christmas. If you don't celebrate Christmas, then I hope whatever holiday you celebrate is awesome. And if you don't celebrate a holiday at this time, then Happy Sunday! :)

Whatever you do, have a safe and wonderful day and try to remember all of the good things in life that make you happy.

--Me

It's Been a Year Already?

2011-12-14T22:40:00.004-06:00

It's that time of year again...the season is in full swing. Money is spent and, just like every other year, I feel as if it was a huge waste of money. Never is there much satisfaction in this transaction (ooh, I rhymed!).

You might think the blessed event to which I refer is Christmas shopping. Nay, I say. Sometimes I enjoy Christmas shopping. Certainly, where Christmas shopping is represented by a unicorn made of lollipops, this event is represented by a pissed off, undead platypus made of licorice jelly beans and pure hatred.

Also, the platypus has naked pictures of me and is going to post them on the Internet. Oh, and he has a chainsaw...though I have no idea what he's going to use it for. Yeah, I hate this event that much. But what...what event could possibly be this putrid and vile, you ask? Three words.

Homeowner's.
Association.
Dues.

Every time we pay this "bill", I feel like I just paid someone perfectly good money to punch babies and make my life miserable. Every time, I feel like a piece of me dies horribly in a tire fire, screaming "Whyyyyyy???" If that part of me is cancer, then I suppose I could handle that. Otherwise, no dice.

So, yeah...every year that's a check I don't want to write. Why? Because our Homeowner's Association is silly. You may or may not remember that I used to be the Vice President and, then, the President of such an accursed pact. I joined so that I could keep the association from doing things that normally piss off homeowners. Long story short...our Homeowner's Association is silly. Normally I'd use stronger words but I'm feeling festive!!

But enough about that. How about this?

Syfy Saturday Presents: Snowmageddon (cue suspenseful music and shocked gopher-like creature).

So you're all being comfy on the couch and decide to watch this "Snowmageddon" movie because, in the past, Syfy has delivered some awesome gems of the cinema, right? So there's this small, rather isolated town, right? And people are all going about their business, doing their normal "pre-disaster" activities like buying toilet paper and...using toilet paper. Nobody suspects anything until BOOM!!! Oh no! Hell! It's broken loose! Aaaaaa!!!

Sounds like any normal Syfy movie, right? WRONG!! You are so wrong! You couldn't be any more wrong if you had an automatic "Wrong machine" on the wrongest day of the wrongest month of the WRONGEST YEAR!!!

Okay, actually, you're pretty close. But, see, there's this magic snowglobe causing everything. I know, right? And once they find out, this kid and his father can't get anyone to believe them!!!

But that's only true for, like, three minutes. Surprisingly, after a few seconds of skepticism, everyone jumps on board and is all like "Yeah, we believed you from the start!" and "I wanna have your babies!!" and "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"

So...that's pretty much it. Snowglobe. Disasters. Oddly enough, the movie is titled "Snowmageddon" but snow actually has a very small part in the whole story. Volcanoes, mystical ground spikes, and earthquakes take center stage instead. They probably should have called this movie "Randomshitmageddon".

Oh, also, this movie stars nobody you've heard of. Trust me.

Okay, so here are your Drive-In Totals:
Ski punks snuffed: 2
Mysteriously disappearing babysitters: 1
Downed helicopters: 1
Really far-out metaphors relating to a nerdy board game that is patterned heavily after Lord of the Rings: 1
Spike-fu
Lava-fu
Spiking
Snoring (sorry, that was me)
Evil storms

2 stars

I'm Not Dead Yet!

2011-12-01T20:12:00.001-06:00

Alright, so it's been a while since I've written anything here. Mostly, with Thanksgiving, I sort of forgot. Add to that a sizeable amount of laziness and a pinch of...more laziness, and you have my excuse.

I don't really have a whole lot say during this update. And, as I have this philosophy of not writing anything when there is nothing to be written, I suppose I'll be quite brief!

Time is flying. Halloween has been over for a month and, yet, it seems like it was just last week. Thanksgiving has flown past, and now it is time to tie everything down, hide the children, feed the pets, and prep for Christmas.

Lately, I've been immersed in Skyrim. I'm not really sure anything else needs to be said about this except...stay away from the giants and their precious mammoths!! For the love of god, just leave them alone!! Also, leave Britney alone!!!

In addition, I have slowly been playing through Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary Edition on Legendary difficulty. And it's really fun to see all of the old game redone in a new, updated style. It's like visiting an old friend who has a new hairdo...and bought new clothes...and actually showers now.

Maybe the level "The Library" will be more fun? :)

Anyway, that's about it for now. I haven't seen any Syfy movies because of all the holiday stuff, football and whatnot. But I intend to get back to them soon. Because, well, I know that I'm about the only person who watches them. And, without me, that whole network will go under!

Quick, Robin, to the Random Cave!

2011-11-03T13:09:00.003-05:00

Halloween has come and gone. If you know anything about me, you know that Halloween is my favorite holiday. It is the only holiday I know of that is fueled by 100% imagination. Most people look forward to Christmas or President's Day (okay, maybe not) but, for me, it is all about Halloween.

Cheers to AMC for its FearFest nonstop horror movie beatdown. Jeers, however, to AMC because 90% of the movies it showed were Halloween 1, 3, 4, 5, and H2O. Now, Halloween 1 and 2 are possibly my all-time favorite horror movies. So why didn't they show Halloween 2? A better question would be thus: Why the Hell did they bother showing Halloween III? That movie deserves to be buried in the desert with all of those E.T. Atari 2600 games...maybe even below them.

So I saw plenty of "Halloween" but not much of anything else. They didn't even show the last Halloween movie with the reality show--not a real great movie, but wildly entertaining and funny.

And Syfy...well, they tried. They try every year. Sometimes they succeed...kinda. But saying "Syfy succeeds" is like saying "Well, your car is almost totaled." And then, on Halloween itself, they totally give up and just play "Ghost Hunters" all day. Seriously? Why not just show a test pattern all day? Or maybe just show "Halloween III" all day? That might actually be better. I hate to say that.

Screw Ghost Hunters.

Syfy offered up Zombie Apocalypse (starring Ving Rhames) for their Saturday fare. We only watched the last half of it Aside from the "zombie tiger in the middle of a city" part of it, it was your average "run and gun", shoot zombies movie. Enjoyable but, again, we only watched half of it.

Instead, I offer you: Tucker And Dale Vs. Evil.

The only actor in this movie I recognized is Alan Tudyk from "Firefly" and "Serenity" fame. He played Tucker, one of two hilbillies who are minding their own business, fixing up a vacation home in the middle of the woods. College students are camping nearby and the hillbillies save one of them from drowning. They bring her back to their home to help her.

The rest of the college students believe that Tucker & Dale are vicious killers and try to stop them. Hilarity ensues when the college students start accidentally killing themselves (and each other) while Tucker and Dale are trying to survive and help, panicking and freaking out constantly.

I found this movie to be an hiliarous anti-horror movie. Now, it wasn't as funny as I'd hoped--not stomach hurting, roll out of your chair funny--but I did find myself laughing quite a bit. It's so outlandishly ridiculous and a bit over the top, but the movie itself was done very well. It's definitely worth a view

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Dead college students: Lots
Stupid cops: 1
Woodchipper-fu
Axe-fu
Chainsaw-fu
Chamomile tea-fu
Finger-chopping
Face-mangling

4 stars

No Title is Coming to Mind

2011-10-17T23:03:00.003-05:00

Quick Stuff, here.

Vacation was fun in a frenetic, "I have to go to the bathroom now and will have to do so again in 10 minutes" kind of way. I definitely had fun watching the girls have fun at Disney.
Phineas and Ferb is a relatively entertaining show...even five hundred times in a row.
There is nothing like trying to watch "A Game of Thrones" on your iPad, on the plane...surrounded by people...when the sex scenes start up. Creative angling of said media device is a must.
I've tried to play Doom 3 as one of my "Halloween games"...but I just can't. I know it's been out for a few years but it really doesn't look like it was that good when it was released in the first place.
Extra Life 2011 was a resounding success. $1.1 million was raised, shattering last year's total of $300,000 or so. I raised $250 which doesn't seem like much compared to those previous numbers, but I'm still proud of it.
I played through all five Bungie Halo games in 23 hrs, 30 minutes.
I didn't doze off once.
I might have wanted to.
The weather has gone from 85 degrees to 60 degrees overnight. I love Fall.
October is my favorite month but it always seems to fly by so quickly.

That's all for now.

Why is it that...

2011-09-26T22:39:00.004-05:00

So you've probably all seen the arguments: Android vs. iPhone, Xbox vs. Playstation, Godzilla vs. Mecha Godzilla...okay, maybe not that last one. I mean, it's absurd to try to choose between those two. It's like "which is better? Peanut butter, or robot peanut butter?" Seriously.

But, as for these great debates, they have merit. No, it's not the actual debate itself that I have problems with. If the actual debate is like the chocolate Oreo cookies, then the way the debate is handled is like the creme filling...which must be made of ass, because that is what people look like when they enter these debates.

And it's not just any, garden-variety ass we're talking about, here. Because these "meetings of the minds" usually end up in a "my dad can beat up your dad" kind of argument. Only, instead of that, it's more like "my technological device can Google Map your mom's private parts and your phone can't!"

I don't know about you but that is something I don't want. Keep your phone. I'll go back to the telegraph or two cans and string.

Seriously, why does it matter do much to people that I don't play the same console they do or I have a different tablet or phone than they do? They didn't invent their device, so why are they so proud of it? Aren't we all allowed to make our choices? Personally, I am of the opinion that we should all simply marvel at technology and how badass it is and figure out cool things to do with it. I don't care what phone or console you have. I care which one I have.

Crud. Battlefield 3 drops on October 25th. Gotta remember that. Good thing I'm done with Gears of War 3.

Oh yeah, about that...Gears of War 3. Awesome game. Got it on Friday, finished it on Sunday (on Hardcore). Awesome game. Did I already say that? It left a few questions open, which disappointed me a bit. But, really, that's akin to getting a brand new Lamborghini and finding yourself disappointed that the tank is only 2/3 full.

It's gritty, it's irreverant, it's bloody and loud--it's Gears of War as we know it! It's also really long so full of chainsawy (yes, that is now a word) goodness! I won't get into game mechanics etc...you probably already know them. My only real issue (unanswered questions aside) was that each main quest had about 500 small parts to it. For example, one dude says "You must shut down the generator! There are three levers!" Three? Why? What kind of generator has three levers in completely different parts of the complex!? And then, when you finally do shut down said multilevered generator device, you realize you have to shut down something else...and it has six levers!! Can't I just blow up Locusts while my AI cohorts do all the footwork for me? This is so totally a quest for a Level 1 player character. I'm, like...level 3...maybe. But, yeah...good game. Highly recommended.

It's Autumn, the temperature is dropping and I have the urge to decorate for Halloween. I'm gonna...but I gotta clean the carpets first. It's not a prerequisite for decorating, merely something I have to do.

I am gearing up for Extra Life 2011 on October 15th. Thanks to all who have donated! I haven't tried to raise any money lately--I've exceeded my goal. I am going to play through all of the Bungie Halo games--note that I specify Bungie games. I have not the time to play through Halo Wars and it doesn't really factor into the original story. I will be taking a break around midnight (for about 30 minutes) to play EnviroBear 2000 Operation: Hibernation!!

This game looks so deliciously bad, it's funny. So I'll put up with it for 30 minutes, hopefully. And, yes, I am going to stream the whole event with a webcam pointed at the TV. Yeah, it's all ghetto and stuff, but I really am too lazy to mess around any more with my TV card. It'll either be streaming at:

http://justin.tv/vorpalsteak
or
http://livestre.am/VwIh

So if you have a bad case of insomnia, or if you just really hate yourself and want some easy punishment, tune in! I'll most likely send out a reminder again sometime before the event.

No, I have no Syfy movie this week. I was watching the Mizzou game and playing Gears of War 3. So sue me.

Why the Hell do I do this?

2011-09-11T21:08:00.000-05:00

You might be thinking that I'm going to devote a really long post to 9/11. No, not really. Not here. I will say this: I still remember. I hung the flag, I took some time to contemplate and...I still remember.

Saturday was race day--The Roots N' Blues N' Barbeque half-marathon. And, once again, I found myself asking "why the Hell do I do this?" Actually, I asked myself that during the last couple of miles. That is usually when the question creeps into my head as I'm just wanting to make it back alive. It started about the time I passed the lady holding up one finger and yelling "one more to go!!" I'm not sure if she knew where she was supposed to be stationed because, according to my phone's GPS (and its timer combined with my pace), there were still approximately 2 miles to go.

But, every year before the race, I am reminded of why I do race every year. No, I never expect to actually come in first. There is no glory associated with any races in which I participate. No glory, only running, some mild swearing, and a lot of water.

It is nice to have a goal--something to train for that makes all the summer running worth it. I doubt if I would exercise quite so much if I did not have an ultimate goal in sight. I sure as hell wouldn't be out in 115-degree (that's with the heat index) heat, running like a fool if I wasn't planning on putting it to good use.

But race day is something special--full of anticipation, adrenaline, and high hopes. It's something to share with the few thousand other runners who, like me, got up early and paid their money to...um...get all hot and sweaty and tired. Yeah, I could definitely do this all for free but I wouldn't. Because then I'd really be crazy.

And this particular race is an interesting dynamic. Not only do you have all of the racers and the organizers up, bright and ugly, getting ready for the race, but you also have countless barbeque fanatics who have been cooking in preparation for the festival later in the day. Some of them, I suspect, have been smoking meats all night. So they are up and about, watching all of these running maniacs get ready to prance around town...and, by "prance", I mean "huff and puff and stagger".

It all turned out well--I finished the 13.1 mile jaunt in 2:01:01. It was not leisurely by any stretch of the imagination, but I've also done better. I think I simply didn't have the drive this year. I love races but I do not feel the need to push it and try to run up every hill or whatnot. Besides, Waffle House Hill is a killer!

As a result, I am surprisingly sore today. And not just my legs. No, my shoulders and parts of my arms are sore. I've really no idea why. I ran 13.2 miles a few weeks ago to prepare and wasn't a bit sore in the days following. So I will blame adrenaline and, yes, Waffle House Hill. Damn you, Waffle House Hill!! For the record, everyone looked like they wanted to die after they got to the top of that hill. And one runner was yarking quite heavily by the side of the road.

As far as Syfy's Saturday movie goes, I'll sum it up (because I didn't watch all of it).

Syfy Pictures Presents: Jabberwock

Starring Tahmoh Penikett (most notably from "Dollhouse"), this movie really doesn't stand out in any way. Basically, a Jabberwock (from legend and, yes, Lewis Carrol's poem is actually quoted in the movie) shows up, eats some people, destroys some stuff and then leaves. And the inhabitants of this town decide they must kill it. Also, it has babies growing in eggs. Also, apparently armor is just now being invented. Also, the fight scenes all look like the actors are stabbing randomly, 10 feet from any enemy that might actually be nearby.

That's pretty much a good summary of the parts that I watched. I got bored and sleepy and wandered off to bed before seeing the thrilling conclusion. As a result, I am refraining from an actual review of this movie because there really wasn't enough of anything to rate as "fu" or anything else interesting.

I Really Have Nothing to Say

2011-09-08T19:41:00.004-05:00

Honestly, I don't really think I have much worthy of a blog post. I figured I'd ramble for a minute to reaffirm that I am alive. At least, as far as I know. I could be a zombie. But I don't crave brains. Can zombies crave hot wings? If so, then that could explain some things...and raise a whole bunch of new, disturbing questions.

I haven't done any writing for quite a while. I finished a short story a few months ago but I haven't even advertised it on Writing.com yet. I want to go back and make sure it's not total, utter trash before I throw it out there for the cyberworld to look at and, hopefully critique. It's been so long since I wrote it, I honestly don't remember if it needed editing.

Instead, I've been slowly slogging through reading up on C#. I ultimately would like to know the programming language well enough to actually start coding some programs. I will probably be able to do this only by diving in and seeing what I can do. Alas, my lousy attention span has become a hindrance and I sometimes find it difficult to concentrate on C# and, instead, occupy myself with random thoughts and shiny objects. But I'm getting through it and, though I may not retain everything, I'm getting the gist of it. This means my programs may not work as intended, but might have hilarious, world-ending results instead.

Fall is almost here and I find I have much to look forward to...in a purely superficial and mostly electronic sense. First of all, NFL football is finally back tonight. Both sides finally realized that a lockout would mean that nobody got their beloved paychecks and decided to begrudgingly commence doing something so painful that it almost didn't happen--play a game for a shitwad of cash. Oh the humanity!!!

But, despite how I feel about the greed involved, I am very glad that football has returned.

I also find myself looking forward to several video game releases. In September, there is Gears of War 3. In October, there is Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary Edition. November brings me Skyrim and, following in December, is supposed to be Diablo 3. That last one--I will believe it when I have it in my hot little hands, playing it for hours on end and ultimately suffering from the dreaded mouse claw (which is, despite arguments to the contrary, much worse than Nintendo Thumb).

The non-electronic things to look forward to: The Roots N' Blues N' Barbeque half-marathon this coming Saturday. Then there is my Extra Life charity 24-hour gaming marathon in October. Fall starts this month and it brings much awesomeness with it...can't forget that. And, of course, there is a vacation and, ultimately, Halloween!

I love Autumn.

So, yeah...nothing really important to say except that I truly enjoy this time of year, and the reasons are many.

Dear Summer, GTFO

2011-08-21T15:20:00.005-05:00

So, normally, August is my most detested month. It's hot, humid, there are no holidays and its just a miserable month. This year, however, I am declaring July to be my most detested month of the year. Sure, it has a holiday that gives us a day off, but it was so damned hot. It was what August usually is. Also, I've come to realize that August has some good point--preseason football and children returning to school. So, this year August, you get a reprieve. But don't presume to think that this lets you off the hook. I'm sure you'll be a jerk next year.

This year, the garden was quite a bit more successful than I had thought it would be. I neglected (mostly on purpose) to stake the tomatoes and it would seem they liked this a whole bunch more than previous years. The cherry tomatoes went bonkers. We never really got to do much with them because both G and T pretty much ate them like grapes. I can't complain about that, though. The jalapeno plants are producing and, hopefully, the pepper plants will follow suit. Next year I am going to start their seedlings in January.

You know what? Let's just get down to it...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

That pesky megalodon (yes, the same one from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octoputs) is back and creating more problems for, well, everyone who doesn't want to be eaten. But, wait, it gets more complicated! As the title suggests, there is also a giant, prehistoric crocodile on the loose. But wait!! Yes, there's more! This giant "crocosaurus" is laying eggs!! Could it possibly get worse?? You betcha. Not only is there a giant shark, a giant, crocodile, and giant baby crocodiles, but the world also has to deal with Jaleel White! Yep. You read that right. Urkel is trying to save the world. We are all doomed. Kiss your ass goodbye, denizens of the earth.

No need to hear any backstory. The fact that a giant freaking shark and crocodile (I keep wanting to type "crocktopus") are on the loose should be more than enough for you. Besides, any exposition would simply detract from the awesomeness that is two giant prehistoric monsters destroying shit just to look cool.

So, anyway, Urkel, some scoundrel guy, and a CIA (or FBI or MTV or something) chick are trying to fight these two beasts. They spend most of their time inside a not-very-convincing helicopter, yelling at each other and being generally annoying as shit. At one point, their helicopter went down and I thought they had all died. Then disappointment hit when I realized they were alive. Honestly, I was sort of cheering on the giant monsters in this flick. They just looked like they were having so much fun. I wanted them to win, just so they wouldn't cry when they lost. I mean, seriously, the human population came up with so many lame plans to kill these monsters; I figured they were shoe-ins to institute the new world order!

And I, for one, welcome our megalodon-crocosaurus hybrid masters! Alas, it was not meant to be. The humans win in the end (presumably) and the shark and croc are left to hopefully plot to return another day.

In all honesty, this movie kinda sucked and it truly was because I hated all of the characters in it (except for the poorly CGI'd shark and croc). Ah well, it was certainly better than some of the crap Syfy throws at the wall.

Anyway, here are your Drive-in Totals:
Dead Australian chicks: 1
Dead miners: Somewhere areound 30
Baby croc swarms: 1
Ships wrecked: 2
Submarines eaten like a hotdog: 1
Egg-fu
Missle-fu
Torpedo-fu
People-smashing
Plane-chomping
Miner-munching

2 1/2 stars

A Quick Glance Back

2011-07-31T13:44:00.005-05:00

About 12 years ago, I was working at a software company doing technical support on the front lines. The company's name was Datastorm and their flagship product was Procomm Plus. If you are able to look on your company's file server there is a decent chance a copy of that software resides there.

Datastorm was bought by Quarterdeck (eventually purchased by Symantec) and was going downhill quickly, so I chose to become a rat fleeing a sinking ship. It was my first official real job and I worked alongside some of the best, most genuine people I've ever met--people who cared about their employer and their coworkers. And the company, while it could, spoiled its employees. We were a big family, and we knew it.

Just recently, one of those coworkers organized a reunion. While there were a bunch of people absent, I found it refreshing to reminisce about "the good ol' days" and see where they ended up. True, I've been working alongside ex-Datastormers in almost every other job I've had, but there were a lot of us and it was nice to see those I even barely remembered.

Along with that, I started backtracking through my career. On one hand, 12 years seems like a really long time--I've had three jobs since then. On the other hand, it sometimes seems like it was just last week. So here is a brief comparison of random things then, and random things now.

Then:
Video Games: Diablo, Daggerfall, Warcraft 2, Starcraft

Now:
Halo, Minecraft, Left 4 Dead, Starcraft 2, Portal 2

Then:
Renting

Now:
Homeowner

Then:
No pets

Now:
Approximately 2 1/2 billion pets

Then:
Dating

Now:
Married (to same wonderful woman I was dating) with kids

I drove a 1995 Ford Contour (my first car) which lasted 14 years. I scrappped it two years ago. My gaming rig back then was a Pentium 300 MHz. It's now a six-core, 3.2 GHz monster. Back then I also played on a Super Nintendo. Now it's an Xbox 360. There were no professional video game leagues, and 3D accelerator cards (yes, separate cards) had 12 megs of RAM if you were rich.

Gas was somewhere near $1 a gallon. There was no Google, and Yahoo! was the dominant search engine. Broadband Internet was still a few years away and wouldn't hit mainstream until a couple of years after that. Certainly routers and wireless networks in the home was simply outlandish! :) It was mostly all about 56K modems...aaaawwww yeah! America Online was still a driving force and Linux was becoming present, but was mostly unheard of. Most people were not tied to their cell phones because, well, they weren't prevalent yet.

I still keep in touch with all of the friends I had at the time, and have made many new, wonderful friends since then. I'm interested to see what the next 13 years bring me. I often miss that first job and wish I'd had the opportunity to work there sooner.

Okay, so that's the "back in my day..." speech. We'll move on to things more recent...

Syfy Saturday presents "Age of Dragons"

Quick summary: It's "Moby Dick"...only with Danny Glover and a couple of dragons. Unfortunately, there is not a lot I can say about this movie. Syfy seems to have a love affair with "Moby Dick" and keeps remaking it (this is the second reimagining in as many months).

So, instead of a whale, it's a "great white dragon". And, instead of no females, there is one chick. Their "ship" is some strange vehicle that travels through snow and, yes, has anchors for some reason. I asked the question facetiously "I wonder if their crappy ship has an anchor?" And, not a minute later, they dropped anchors. Ha!

So, really, all I can say is that it was a very cool reimagining but, in the end, it was quite boring and the acting was overly dramatic.

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Wyverns killed: Countless
Exposition: Also countless
Bored viewers: 2
Head-stabbing
People chomping
Harpoon-fu

1 1/2 stars

My Random Melted

2011-07-24T19:57:00.003-05:00

Not that this is a surprise to anyone in the US but, damn, it's hot. I've pretty much been holing up in the house, trying to avoid looking outside, the sheer act of which seems to make me warmer. Because of this, I have gotten quite a bit of gaming in. The bad news is that we haven't gotten much of anything else accomplished.

I've managed to be able to run outside but, most of the time, each run has been rather ugly. Then, yesterday, it poured down rain with lightning and thunder, the works. The sky, however, was not what you'd expect. It was cloudy, sure. But it was more of a light overcast than anything--and it was even sunny in some areas! Even weirder, it only rained in a small area, so we were lucky I suppose.

I've taken the plunge and signed up for this year's Extra Life gaming marathon for charity:

http://extralife.sarcasticgamer.com/wp/

I'll pander for donations to the cause later (donations go to help Children's Hospital). I had a lot of fun last year, trying to get through all of the Halo games. I got through all of them except Halo 3 where I only got through the first section, Sierra 117. I'm not entirely sure it's possible to finish all of the Halo games in 24 hours. I mean, there are five of them if you don't count Halo Wars (which I really don't). I'm thinking of doing that this year as well, and might get courageous enough to hook up a webcam to document my progress. Not only does this event give me a great excuse to game for 24 hours straight, but it also benefits a good cause.

Now the funny part of this is the next day I am most likely going to run in a Halloween fun run. It's only a 10K but might prove a bit more challenging. Needless to say, it will be a very interesting weekend. But I've done crazier things...like run outside this summer in 98 degree heat (115 degrees with heat index).

Syfy Pictures Presents: "P2"

I don't recognize the names of anyone in this movie. However, it's cool that someone named "Bathsheba" was in it. I bet she has to spell her name for a lot of people...multiple times.

Frankly, that is where my fascination with this movie ends. It is about an office executive who gets locked in a parking garage on Christmas Eve and is tormented by a rather overzealous secret admirer. The movie itself seemed pretty good, actually, but this particular type of movie doesn't really interest me. I get a bit disturbed at the "torture the individual and make them watch as other people are tortured" movies. We watched about an hour of it (if that) and then turned the channel over to a much better movie--Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Much better, indeed.

C'mon, man

2011-07-12T18:47:00.004-05:00

Dear NFL,

You're seriously pissing me off, here. I look forward to watching you each Fall, investing much emotion behind your stupid games and, each year, you do not disappoint.

Except this year, of course. Seriously? The players and the owners can't reach an agreement? Now I have no real love for the owners but it truly seems that the players are being a bit greedy, here. Do you seriously think you don't make enough money? You want to see all of the owners' financial records? Do you know how much I'd be laughed at if I asked the same of my employer?

I agree that health benefits are very important, so I'm with you there. But, honestly, there should be a rookie salary cap. Why should a brand new, rookie player make so much more than a seasoned veteran who has contributed more to the team? Quit whining and play your stupid game...you get paid for it. I don't get to play a game for a living, so shut yer piehole.

Guess what? If you guys can't reach an agreement, nobody gets paid!! Players, coaches, owners...nobody. And let's not forget the people who don't actually make big bucks off the sport--all the behind-the-scenes people, and those individuals who get paid to do things like clean the bleachers or the parking lot.

If you don't play this season, I truly hope NCAA football takes over Sunday. Then you guys can not get paid and I can still have my football.

Sincerely,
Me

Anyway...

I don't have a movie to review this week because Syfy showed an Indiana Jones marathon...culminating with the perfect shitstorm that was "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls". No, I'm not going to review that movie because, frankly, it irritates me too much. It was a movie I so wanted to be good and...well, it wasn't. I think that was the same summer I saw that awful Star Wars cartoon movie...nay, it was not one of Hollywood's more brilliant summers. I truly have seen movies on Syfy that were maybe as good as those two movies. For shame, George Lucas, for shame. You owe me...um...something.

I can taste the colors!

2011-06-24T07:50:00.008-05:00

Well, my biggest news is that I finally got my Eyefinity setup working on my PC. So now I can fully utilize three monitors both for Windows in general and, more importantly, for gaming. :) I've gamed a bit with the three monitors and it is rather disorienting but I'm getting used to it quickly. It's really handy to have an expanded field of view in a 180-degree arc. I can just hear the nOObs screaming "OMG! Hax!!" If I could just get Crossfire working properly, then I would be all set.

Eyefinity certainly gives you a different perspective on many games. Now that I can essentially see in front and to the sides of me it changes the dynamic and how I play. It makes Portal 2 a lot more interesting...and the game kicked ass to begin with. Even Minecraft looks and plays really well. Nothing like seeing a creeper out of the corner of your eye and freaking out, screaming like a little girl, and getting blown up anyway.

So now I really really wish Mechwarrior 5 would be released. Because then I'd have a gigantic nerdgasm. Seriously, they really need to push that game out.

All three monitors are running off one single XFX Radeon HD5870 and all games are running at max resolution with every available option turned up to its highest. All games I've played thus far run 100% smoothly.

Now if I could just get my *blam* Crossfire configuration to work without the BSoD, I could run Eyefinity with Crossfire.

Pics:

Portal 2 without Eyefinity:

Portal 2 with Eyefinity (lines inserted by me to show where the center monitor would end--click for a better image):

We're not just bangin' rocks together here.

Alright. This last week's Syfy movie was Moby Dick...which I watched...part of, anyway. It starred Barry Bostwick, Renee O'Connor, and a CGI whale that seemed to vary in size as the movie progressed. I'd review it but, as I said, I watched part of it and then got bored and wandered into traffic for a while. It was not a great theatrical masterpiece. Instead, I choose the movie that was on before it.

Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Python vs. Gateroid.

The reason this movie even came on my radar (aside from the usual "giant thing vs giant thing" premise) is because it stars both Deborah Gibson and Tiffany (rival 80's pop tarts). And, instead of the monsters being the primary creatures fighting, we get Mega Gibson vs. Tiffanoid!

Sure, there is plenty of snake- and gater-related munching, chomping, and general mayhem. However, Gibson and Tiffany spend 95% of the movie arguing and bitchfighting. And it's wildly entertaining. The movie itself is very tongue-in-cheek because, let's get real, if they'd tried to make it a serious movie, it would have sucked more than Megamaid from Spaceballs.

Thankfully, the writers were smart enough to know that they could capitalize on cheesy 80's memories and created one hilarious masterpiece of bad CGI, bad editing, and bad acting. And, yes, we do get choice quotes like "I think we're alone now" and "only in your dreams". Ha!

The plot is very basic--right out of every children's book you've ever read. Crazy lady (snakelover) releases pythons into the wild. Crazy lady #2 (gaterlover) notices the sudden influx of large snakes and doesn't like it. Gaterlover feeds steroid-laden chickens to the gaters (and these steroids are super, far-out science stuff) which then grow to epic proportions.

Well, guess what? Snakes eat eggs...so they eat the gater eggs...and also grow to "oh shit, Tokyo is being destroyed!" sizes. And then the two fight it out...sort of. At some point, it seems they almost become friends--ignoring each other and going for the easy-to-kill soft, fleshy human meatbags instead. I mean, let's face it, we're much tastier than snake or gater, right? It's the logical choice.

So, as I said, the movie then focuses on Gibson and Tiffany sparring, pulling hair, slapping, tackling, screaming, rolling in mud, and throwing pies at each other. What a world!

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Bitchfights: countless
Awesome parties: 1
Mysterious loners: 1
Gun-fu
TNT-fu
Airplane-fu
Head-chomping
City-crushing

3 1/2 stars

(Also, blogger still sucks.)

A couple of RMRs

2011-06-15T16:34:00.003-05:00

Okay so, first off, I just want to reiterate...I hate blogger. That being said, I do think it's snazzy that they have now implemented a mobile version. But, then, everyone has mobile versions, and Blogspot is probably just behind.

With that out of the way, let's move on to what I really wish to talk about...

Just saw "Super 8". (No spoilers ahead.)

So, this movie is a lot like "Cloverfield" only without the shakycam and with children and an actual resolution. First, I must start off by saying...I liked Cloverfield. I won't get into that.

I also liked Super 8, but it is quite considerably a different movie while being a lot the same as Cloverfield. For the longest time, you either catch only brief glimpses of the creature-thing or you don't see it at all. Rest assured, like Cloverfield, that you do indeed get to see the thing at some point. The absense of the supernatural leaves the movie to address what really matters--plot, tension and, most of all, characters.

And the characters in this movie are not abnormal--you've got the pyro, the chubby kid, the nerd who falls in love and, finally, the "that kid"...yes, that kid--the one who is always losing his glasses or throwing up or really nerding it up. And while the children are somewhat stereotypical, they are all vivid and feel real in a "Stand By Me" kind of way. And while this movie is an "unravel the mystery" kind of movie it is also very much a buddy movie.

There is action, there are poignant moments, and there are laughs. I don't really believe this is the best movie I've ever seen but I didn't walk out of it wondering why I spent money on it.

And now, onto what you really want to read...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Ice Road Terror.

Heh...obviously influenced by the popularity of the Ice Road Truckers cabler, this movie definitely...er...does something. I'm still not sure what that something is. It's not a great movie. But it's also not worthy of being buried in the desert with all those copies of the Atari 2600 game E.T. Maybe buried next to them...

So it stars all scabs who were probably grateful just to get cast in this movie, because none of them is a master thespian. I doubt they could even find a spot in Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark (which still holds steady in my "Top 5 Worst Titles Ever" category).

So these two truckers are in a friendly, unofficial competition to get the most completed trips and, of course, they're tied. They both volunteer for a dangerous haul of explosives along the (currently melting) ice road. One trucker: a seedy but dashing scoundrel. The other trucker: a handsome nice guy. For reasons I still can't figure out (because I wasn't paying close attention to the intricacies of this masterpiece) a chick wanted to tag along. She fulfills the role of "cute female scientist chick" only she's not as hot as the women they normally cast.

Of course, things go wrong at the dig site and some creature escapes. As usual, lots of running, screaming, and eating of people ensues. Later, there's an awesome speech by a coward how he'd totally sell everyone up the river if he got the chance. His speech is cut short by the monster-thingy. Both trucks crash and they have to hoof it in the snow while the monster takes a coffee break.

The CGI is bad...terribad. and the monster itself isn't the only CGI. At some points, the trucks were CGI...also terrible. I think the acting was CGI as well. All this might lead you to believe that Syfy had an awesome budget. False. Bad CGI is probably cheap. And this was abundant. I personally think they had a monkey creating the images on an Apple IIe.

Now, the fact that they were hauling explosives would lead you to believe that they would kill the monster by blowing it up, right? Yeah, that was my prediction. For once, I was wrong. Ah well. I got most of the movie right.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Cowards pulled under the ice: 1
Scrappy couples destroyed: 1
Construction crews demolished: 1
Truck-fu
Gasoline-fu
Shotgun-fu
Person-munching
Truck-jumping
Head-crunching

2 1/2 stars

You've got some random on your cheek

2011-06-04T13:58:00.004-05:00

Wow, I am lazy!! I really need to keep up on things. I've lapsed in my attempt to provide random, worthless drivel to the Internet. And there's just not enough of that out there these days, now is there?

I've not provided any Syfy reviews for a couple of weeks because, well, they haven't shown anything that is worthy of a review. Lately, it seems, all they've been showing is Star Trek and Underworld movies. They must have shelled out quite a bit of money for those and are trying to get their money's worth. Why not add "Independence Day" and maybe "Armageddon" while they're at it?

Actually, I'd watch those two. I have nothing against Star Trek but the movies just aren't that great (except the reboot). And I've never been a fan of the Underworld trilogy, save that Kate Beckensale is nice to look at. Though I don't think "badass" when I think of her. Not that it matters much.

So the temperature is up and the cicadas are out in full force. Literally, we seem to have skipped Spring entirely. It's 95 degrees with high humidity. Since Summer came early, does this mean I can ask for Autumn to arrive early? Pretty please? Seriously, nature, get it figured out or I'ma have some words with you.

The cicadas...wow. I've heard them during their heyday and they're definitely loud. I don't think they're louder this year than they were during the "Great Cicada Coalescence" of 1998 (I think that was the year). No, not louder...but I think they're more plentiful. I don't remember seeing them flying around all the time but, this year, they are flying everywhere. They keep going kamikaze on my car. This ends very poorly for them, of course. Nothing I love more than having cicada goo on my windshield. But, yeah, they're flying around everywhere like drunken American Airlines pilots--ramming into each other, crashing into trees, cars, and the ground. Do they have air traffic controllers and, if so, are they asleep?

I went a whole seven days without caffeine of any kind. I've learned a couple of things from this...

I can exercise much easier with caffeine. This is no surprise.
Caffeine withdrawal is a cruel bitch who will kick you in the head every chance she gets.
I feel really good without caffeine, but still enjoy it (as I am drinking a soda right now).
I have been using it as a crutch, convincing myself that I'm going to need it to get through "x" activity. Sometimes this is true. Much of the time, I'm just jonesing for it.

So, yeah. I plan to keep my caffeine intake much lower than it has been.

Also, I don't know if I say this enough, Blogger is a gigantic piece of crap.

That is all.

And Random Spewed Forth

2011-05-16T22:43:00.005-05:00

I really haven't been too great a blogger lately. My attention has been pulled in many different directions and, thus, I've barely been keeping up with my duties of rambling out a bunch of mental garbage that next to no one actually cares much about. I mean, really, the world hangs on my every word, no? So here's some random crap.

The garden is planted--peppers and tomatoes. About half the garden is empty, largely due to my lazy intentions. Of course, just about two days after I put the plants in the dirt, it frosted overnight. Then it was cloudy and cold for a few days. I'm betting the plants, if they could, would make obscene gestures and yell at me. As it is, I'm guessing any food they might produce will cause me great diarrhea...or hives or something else suitably unpleasant--all out of spite. Because plants can do that, you know. Also, if video games have taught me anything, it's that plants protect us from zombies.

I finished Portal 2. Then I went back and played the original Portal...twice. Then back to Portal 2 again. Valve truly creates magic. So, in that vein, here are a few games I am really looking forward to:

Diablo 3. Yes...this one's rather obvious. Heck, I'm already looking forward to Diablo 4, and there's no guarantee there will be one.
Duke Nukem Forever. Seriously...about a billion years in the making. Between when this game was started and present day: we've had three different presidents (two of them served two terms), I've gone through three jobs, the game Daikatana was released and, five seconds later, failed miserably, I've been through four PCs, and whole civilizations have risen and crumbled. (That's all estimation, by the way, and may or may not be accurate). The point is...this game has taken way too long and could be crappy. But I'm looking forward to the world's best pissing simulator, and to throwing poop at enemies. Yes. While many things have changed in that time, my childish behavior has not.
Tribes 3. All I can say is "hell yeah, it's about time. Where ya been all these years?"
Gears of War 3. Bring it. Let's find out what happens.
Mechwarrior V. The first game I bought for my first real gaming rig was Mechwarrior IV. That was at least three computers ago (yes, I measure both time and expense in "PC" units).

Yeah, my gaming plate is going to be full. Honestly, though, I would probably trade it all...well, most of it for a copy of Portal 3...right now....you monster.

I owe you a movie review. Of that I'm well aware. This past weekend, I was out of town. So let's travel back in time...to the weekend before. I had seen "Thor" in the movie theater that Thursday. I enjoyed it. Wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, and I certainly wish I hadn't had to pay for 3D, but it was a fun movie. Contrast that with Syfy's offering that weekend--"Allmighty Thor", and it was like night and day--where "day" is a pretty tasty steak and "night" is an old boot...filled with pee...asparagus pee.

Honestly, I can't really even begin to regale you with the treasure that is "Allmighty Thor"...mostly because I spent a good few days trying to block it from my mind. I went to my happy place. But, try as I might, I could not escape. Really, watching this movie was like being poked by evil clowns wielding hot skewers, and being forced to listen to that "Friday" song over and over while peeing on an electric fence...and, yes, it's asparagus pee.

Basically, Thor is an idiot young punk who loses his hammer and has to find it again. But he's such a dimwit that he knows nothing about how to get it back. Fast forward to the end when he forges his own. A battle ensues, blah blah...zzzzzzzz. Seriously, that's about how the movie went. I think I played Minecraft through most of it, and I still wanted to chew my own head off (yeah, just try it). Because this movie deserves ZERO stars, I'm pretty much stopping there. The most humorous bit is that Syfy rushed to release this craptacular theatrical masterpiece to coincide with "Thor" in theaters. Really, Syfy? Really?

Check, Please!

2011-04-29T18:58:00.005-05:00

So I'm sitting here (TM), watching the NFL draft, wondering if this is the only NFL football action I will get all year. Man, I hope not. Without football, I might actually have to be productive!! I'd rather lay drywall than...waitaminute, that would be productive right? Dammit.

The garden is...still in its peat pots, waiting to be planted. It's been so cold and rainy that I've not dared to put the plants in the ground. The issue with this is the tomato plants--they're all growing funky and look like horrible Teenage Mutant Ninja Tomatoes. They're all twisted and gnarly. Hopefully I can still get them to grow straight once planted. The peppers are coming along very slowly. Part of me simply wants to skip the garden this year but, well, I've already got the plants growing; I might as well go ahead with it.

I also really need to finish the second retaining wall. The first one is a tiny bit slanted, but I'd say it was a good effort for me--building a retaining wall with no knowledge whatsoever. The second one seems to be straight and level. Now if it would just stop raining all the time...

Syfy Pictures Presents: "Roadkill". I could not provide a link because, well, I couldn't find the damned movie anywhere. That's just how good it is! Can you believe it!? What? No? You don't believe it? So what am I supposed to do with all this horse crap if I can't feed it to you!?

So, anyway, this movie stars...NOBODY!! That's right--a bunch of scabs, baby! There isn't even an actor in this movie you could mistake for someone else! That's Syfy's seal of quality. How's that? Because these are absolutely the best quality scabs ever! Yeah, if you believe that, you'll believe anything.

So a group of friends decide to go on a road trip in Ireland. They pile into an RV and off they go! Vroom vroom! Along the way they stop at a rather sleazy-looking gas station and meet some rather sleazy-looking people playing cards. A souvenir is bought, another one is swiped, a gypsy is run down, some profanities are yelled, and I'm pretty sure someone peed themself. Maybe not. Anyway, they haul ass out of their in their RV, but not before the gypsy chick can curse their asses.

And what does she curse them with? She sics her pet bird on the lousy kids. But it's no ordinary parrot. Nope...it's a really freaking huge parrot! And by "parrot", I mean "Roc", the legendary giant bird. "Ha ha, sucker", the friends all say...until one of them is scooped up and taken away by the giant bird. Oh, there's also a random kid standing in the middle of the road making throat-slitting motions. Then he runs away, only to sell refreshing beverages at his lemonade stand close by. He also sold pet rocks.

So, yeah...not only is the giant turkey chasing them, but so are the gypsy lady's family. And, wouldn't you know it? It's the same people who were playing cards at the gas station! Surprise!

Okay, so honestly, this movie would've been much better if the bird breathed fire, had a sonic squawk, or pooped acid on cars or something...something other than simply being a giant Thanksgiving dinner. They should've skipped the CGI and simply zoomed in on a pigeon or something.

There is a lot more that happens but most of it is running, screaming, dying, and worthless backstory exposition. It's much akin to being constipated and describing it to everyone...except that there's a bird involved in one of those situations.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:

Gypsies slaughtered: 3

Faces rocked: 2

Rabbits killed: 2

Bathroom breaks taken: 2 (yeah, that was me)

Gun-fu

Medallion-fu

RV-fu

Faceraking

Blowtorchmaking

2 stars

And it begins...

2011-04-14T20:20:00.003-05:00

Today was the ceremonial "First mowing of the lawn". It is celebrated by an elaborate ceremony involving gasoline, a whirling blade, and a whole lot of whining and lamenting of the days when the grass was considerate enough to stop freaking growing so damned fast! I tried to use Runkeeper on my phone to determine just how far I walk when I cut the grass. According to it, I walk approximately .02 miles in an hour.

Fail.

Also, I just ate a box of Peeps that I suspect were made of sandpaper. Yep, I ate them. They were still delicious...in the only way that Peeps can be.

I realize that this might be old news to some but, well, this is just really funny...and sad (and I simply wanna post it). See, many of our congressmen suffer from "Idiotic Douchebag Symdrome" or, IDS. Its symptoms include extreme stupidity and the inability to have their heart beat without consciously thinking about it.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20001567-503544.html (Warning: Extreme stupidity)

So, without further ado...Syfy Presents: Ferocious Planet

(First of all, it is important to note that "Ferocious Planet" was followed by "Savage Planet"...which, to my disappointment, was not followed by "Super Delicious Candy Planet".)

Joe Flanigan, from Stargate: Atlantis fame stars in this latest offering from Syfy. It's not a complicated piece of cinema--top secret device is invented, goes awry and then shit gets real. Oh also, John Rhys Davies is in this movie, but barely...mostly, his butt and legs are. In addition, I recommend you look at his page on IMDB (follow the link) and check out his pic...it's awesome.

So, yeah. Some poindexters working for the government develop a special machine that allows them to peer into other dimensions. But, rest assured, they can only see into them. Oh wait...something mysteriously goes wrong and...you guessed it, transports them (and some of the building) into one of those dimensions. I've said it many times, but I'll reiterate...Much running, screaming, eating, and other general mayhem ensues. Really, much of this movie should have been set to some Weird Al song.

After they sit around, baffled, and some individuals die in hilarious ways, they formulate a plan. What's awesome is that they don't really know how they got to this dimension, but they know exactly how to get back, and that they have six hours to do so! Standing between them and success is miles of strange land inhabited by, essentially, tyrannosaurs with huge mandibles and multiple eyes...and acid and ammonia for blood. I bet they pooped little baby, laser shooting circular saws, too.

That's really pretty much it. These people stumble through the wilderness, getting picked off or wandering off on their own and failing at many things. I'm not entirely sure the movie was made in all seriosity, so I don't mind saying that I laughed a lot at it. Not that I'd really feel bad saying that about most Syfy movies. But I was always taught that you shouldn't laugh at train wrecks.

Anyway, here are your Drive-in Totals:

Monsters a' munchin': 4-10 (I lost count)
People a' screamin': 9 (I think...not everyone screamed)
Machines a' Misbehavin': 1
Senators a' Splodin': 1
Torso-eating
Egg-stealing
Pen-fu
Bullet-fu

3 stars

Well, so much for that

2011-03-15T22:57:00.002-05:00

So March is here. We all know the saying "In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb", right? So, yeah. We've definitely had the weather--the snow, primarily. Only, this March has been pretty much like "In like a lion...that can't make up its damned mind...and is kind of a jerkface." One day it snows, the next day it's 75 degrees. The day after it rains, then snows. Then it's 70 degrees. Seriously, WTF March? I guess that's why they don't say "In like an intelligent lion." Lousy cats. Anyway, here's hoping that we're done with the snow, but that it doesn't immediately move to "90 degrees and humid as a swamp." Kthx.

Alright. So my Internet service provider...their name rhymes with "SchMediacom"...they are essentially delivering me about 1/6th the bandwidth that I am actually paying for. I figured this all out on my own when my downloads were pulling in at about 50-100k/sec (instead of the 8-12 Mbps I should be getting). And, before you go making the joke...it wasn't porn--I was re-downloading my Steam games. The porn comes after the games. Time to rethink your priorities. (Disclaimer: I wouldn't have room for porn anyway...on account of all the games)

I called Medicaom's support once to get some help. Silly me. I really should've just beaten myself about the face with a sack of wet marmosets. I probably would've gotten more help that way. They sent out a tech. Tech said there had been lots of complaints but didn't really find anything (since my bandwidth drops like Mel Gibson's career only between the hours of 5 pm - 12 am--imagine that). So the connection still sucks.

And I call again...letting the tech know they can stow the bullshit because I am calling solely to complain. And what does this lady do? "Sir, I'll need you to bypass the router and..." Really? I guarantee I know more than all of their phone jockeys combined. But that's neither here nor there. I jumped through their hoops and--surprise--ANOTHER TECH is going to drop by tomorrow and chat! Boo!

My plan is to call one more time to complain if it doesn't clear up. And I will ask for a manager. And I will tell said overpaid monkeyturd that, since I get about 1/6th of the bandwidth that they promise, then they will get 1/6th of the money they charge me. Sounds fair to me. And, as I've specified through various other outlets, I submitted a complaint to the Better Business Bureau. Not that I expect it to actually affect anything, but I figure it's my civic duty to try to make their lives a living hell.

Also, Wanda Sykes may just be the funniest woman ever to be brought into existence. Dayum.

Alright, onto better things...depending on how you look at it.

Syfy Pictures Presents: Battle of Los Angeles
I really had to stop and digest this movie for a while. And I'm still not entirely sure I understand...well, any of it. Starring Nia Peeples (you may or may not know who she is, but her name is awesome), It really looks like Syfy made this movie, then saw the movie (in theaters) "Battle: Los Angeles", and there was a collective "Oh crap, our awesome idea was TAKEN BY HOLLYWOOD!!"

Well, not exactly. More like "Our piece of crap has almost the same name as this soon-to-be blockbuster! Put it out there NOW!" It's like going to buy a car and being offered a "Fjord" instead of a "Ford"...or a "General Mortars" instead of "General Motors"...or a steamy turd instead of a Saturn--no, wait...that would be a good deal after all. Nevermind that last one.

Anyhoo, the movie opens basically in the middle of an invasion. The big alien ship has already been hovering over the city and the air force has launched planes to attack. In true "Independence Day" style, Earth's forces get completely spanked and made to cry like babies while strange aliens that resemble something my friends and I, as kids, built out of a trash can and some Legos. One of them catches grenades and throws them back (which is awesome) and basically gives the Army the alien finger.

By then, however, it's already gone far downhill...like "Charlie Sheen tiger blood" downhill...so far and so fast that there is absolutely no going back. See, this pilot dude from the 1950s shows up in his airplane but, later, it turns out he's just one of those killer spheres from Hellraiser hiding out in the head of a fake dude. And then Nia Peeples, out of nowhere, jumps into action, stabbing alien spaceships with a katana and trying to be all mysterious and stuff. Then they kamikaze the massive alien ship with an old alien fighter ship (previously hanging in plain sight--JFK's idea) and meet up with a giant, ugly space worm. And THEN, they upload a virus to the alien ship with a Mac and a modem and...no, wait, that was Independence Day. But that was equally batshit ridiculous.

Blah blah, Drive-In Totals: blah blah
"Independence Day" moments: At least half the movie
Times I thought I was watching Dr. Who: 1
Characterization: 0
Times I wanted to slap someone: 10
Army dudes who just. won't. die: 1
Sword-fu
Grenade-fu
Spaceship-stabbing
Head-slicing
Sphere-o-Death drilling

1 1/2 stars

WTF did I just watch?

4 8 15 16 23 42

2011-02-25T22:59:00.003-06:00

I bought a lottery ticket.

I don't normally give a crap, even with a large jackpot (this particular jackpot is worth about $184 million). And I'm going to win. Trust me. I mean, seriously, I can't lose! What are the odds I'd lose...I know, right?

So, anyway, since I will be a rich little bugger after tomorrow night, here is what I will do with it:

1. Pay off all debt.
2. Buy this Geek Chic gaming table. Sadly, my gaming life sucks, but this table is too damn cool to not have.
3. Be the cause of the Zombie Apocalypse (TM). Yes, I'm claiming the trademark. I started it...it's all mine, biatch.
4. Purchase a house or two for friends who really could use one.
5. Probably start my own business. I mean, seriously...if it fails, who gives a crap??
6. Executive produce my own Syfy movie about killer banana slugs versus mega-gnats. It's gold, I tell ya!
7. I'd pay Linkin Park to shut the hell up. I'd also throw some money at the Spin Doctors to continue shutting the hell up.
8. Buy Han Solo...yes, I'll pay Harrison Ford to stand in a glass case, posing as Han. Once carbonite is invented, that will change things up a bit.
9. Buy Wizards of the Coast (shouldn't be too expensive). Then I'll sell the D&D license to Paizo, who can then go on to do it justice and make D&D good again.
10. Pay someone to invent cartoon food, which will be the yummiest food ever.
11. I was going to put down "See a movie"...but I'm not sure $184 million will cover that expense.

Achoo!

2011-02-19T09:02:00.003-06:00

You know what I don't see much of anymore? Hummers. Hmmm...I wonder why. Someone ate it on that deal.

I had a whole bunch of something I was going to say, but I've forgotten. So onto...

Syfy Saturday: Iron Invader

Every great once in a while, there comes along a gem--a diamond in the rough--a movie that makes you think there is hope for the Syfy network. Maybe they can make decent movies that don't deserve to be laughed at. Maybe...just maybe...

This movie is not that movie. In fact, this movie was hilarious. The heroes are hilarious, the town is hilarious. Heck, even the enemy is hilarious!

It would seem that life exists on other planets, and this life travels through space by hijacking a ride on Russian satellites. When one such satellite plummets to Earth, all hilarity lets loose and a small town becomes a hotbed of really bizarre alien activity.

It seems that the alien invaders resemble iron filings doused in green paint. Oh no!! The horror!! Run for your lives! Or, alternatively, you could just get a magnet and laugh as the poor aliens try to move! But I digress. So what do these aliens want? It would appear that they have a severe iron deficiency because they don't eat their veggies. So they "inhabit" metal and then suck the iron out of everyone's blood. Why can't they just suck the iron out of the metal they inhabit? no idea. They just can't. Stop making fun of them; they are very sensitive aliens.

The local junkyard guy, a.k.a. "the crazy old coot" is building a golem statue out of spare car parts for the town festival. How convenient! The aliens manage to inhabit the statue and head out for a wild party. This creates chaos, sorrow, and lots of running and dying and...well, other stuff. Yes, everyone runs away, screaming...from possibly the slowest monster ever to walk, er, lumber, the planet. Seriously. This thing is like running from a zombie...with no legs. And, yet, it still kills people. So whose fault is that?

Blah blah blah, people hide out in the bar and blow up the monster. Yay! Victory! Oh, wait...all the individual parts are now attacking! Boo! Why didn't they listen to me!? I told them this would happen. But nooooo...they never listen.

Anyway, the moster reassembles itself, probably because Syfy had a little bit of CGI budget left over and had to spend it. But, as it turns out, the aliens are recovering alcoholics and, by pouring booze on them, they die! Huzzah! Alcohol saves humanity! Let this be a lesson to us all.

Here are your Drive-in Totals:

Stupid cops: 2
Smart, cute female pseudo-scientists/love interests: 1
Alien/human bar brawls: 1
Axe-fu
Engine-fu
Propane-fu
Foot-stabbing
Iron-sucking

2 1/2 stars

Bring it!!!

2011-02-06T12:42:00.003-06:00

So I had a post all ready to go about our family Super Bowl (copyright, NFL...please don't sue me!) curse. But it turned out to be depressing and lame instead of humorous. So I scrapped it. Instead I'm just going to sit on my ass enjoy the last day of football until August (unless you count the NFL draft...which I only sort of count). Heck, I'm never really sure if preseason counts.

In a bit, I'm going to deliver fresh-baked cookies to the three boys who dug me out of the snow. Then maybe I'll watch a little Puppy Bowl. :)

Game on.

Paying it Forward, Laterally, or Backward

2011-02-03T16:56:00.005-06:00

Before we begin, I will warn you that this is not going to be a happy post--it may have a bit of pity in it. And it may be a bit lengthy. Also, my typing sucks, which I will explain later. So sit back and read on. Oh, and grab a snack first. I'll wait.

C'mon already...how long does it take? Er, I mean...glad you're back!

So...2011. New year, new suck. Why's that? Let me get you caught up. Now would be an excellent time to make those "Wayne's World" flashback motions and noises.

In 2010: K had to undergo non-elective surgery, went through a six-month recovery, then found out she's allergic to just about everything except air. Her cat died. A very good Internet friend of mine passed away unexpectedly (I won't forget you, Moby), and the guinea pigs we surprised the girls with from Santa Claus died...as did their replacements.

Fast forward to this week. We'd been planning a Disney land/cruise vacation since mid-summer. When were we supposed to leave? Smack dab in the middle of "Bigass Disastrous Bitch of a Snowstorm Ha Ha". Needless to say our carefully-planned vacation became a failcation in a heartbeat. We had to scrap the whole thing. We have travel insurance, but it's really difficult to explain that to two little girls to whom I'd been talking up this vacation for months. We'd gotten a phenomenal deal and even, at the last minute, received a free room upgrade on the ship to a cabin with a freaking veranda!!! So, yeah, we get all that money back, right? Well, not quite. See, Southwest Airlines has refunded our money (which is good) but they've refunded it directly to my credit card (which is bad).

Why bad, children? We paid everything off in advance--done...100%. Well, my credit card has a balance...more than the refund. So, basically, part of my credit card gets paid off and we don't have the money to chip in for a future vacation...and my credit card still has a balance on it.

So we stayed at my in-laws' for four nights, cooped up and unable to really go anywhere. I helped install some wood flooring and otherwise tried to keep myself occupied. But I decided it was past time for me to get the hell out when the father-in-law started criticizing my prolific utilization of my iPhone. Though I tried to explain later that I had been tracking school closings, work closings, airport closings, airline schedules, register with the airline, and keep in touch with people back home so that I could determine if it was safe to return. Needless to say, it irritated me enough, nay, pissed me off enough to return home today, since I was already in a stellar mood from the failcation.

So I returned home ahead of the rest of the family so that I could dig out and attempt to go to work (long story short, no plow and lots of snow make me not able to get to work, but the driveway is clear!). All the roads are fine until I turn into our neighborhood. Wow. I can imagine snowplows taking a look at my neighborhood, crying like a little schoolgirl, and running away, screaming while simultaneously peeing its little snowpants. I try my best to navigate and see an oncoming SUV. I "sort of" pull over to let his big ass through and promptly get stuck. He proceeds to take up the entire road and pass me up, not even stopping to see if I need help.

Eight other cars do the exact same thing while I am trying to dig out. Home is just a hundred yards or so away, yet I'm stuck, with two impatient dogs in the vehicle. So asshole after asshole just passes me, watching, until three neighborhood kids come over with shovels and help me dig (I took a shovel and chipped in). I owe these kids cookies or something and, believe me, I'll pay up.

After taking one pass down my street (and finding nowhere to actually park due to the butt ton of snow) I pull into my next-door neighbor's shoveled driveway and make sure it's okay with him if I park there temporarily. K's dog (who is 40-50 pounds) freaks out when I let her out of the car and I have to carry her through 14-16 inches of snow. Meanwhile, my dog (a 7-lb papillon) bravely tromps through the snow, tunneling and bounding. *facepalm*

Almost there, I promise. No, really. Anyway, the shovel comes out and I promptly get to work. I'm badass. No, I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm a badass snow-shoveling, driveway clearing machine. Suck it, snow! I clear more than enough to get the vehicle in the garage. Soon, I notice my neighbor (across the road) trying to dig out. I help him. He's clear. Later, I notice a neighbor across the road and two doors down. Her SUV is stuck halfway in her driveway. I shovel out her car and push it to get it going. Then, after she leaves, I shovel the rest of her driveway. Back to my own. A lady two across the road and two doors down the other way is trying to shovel herself out, too. I promptly walk down and pitch in. After we've got a path for her car, work calls and I head back inside for a teleconference. Afterward, I shovel the rest of my driveway AND half the street in front. Yeah, badass.

So I'm feeling awesome helping all these people but I'm also a bit dismayed at their behavior. Sure, the guy across the street was thankful, but he never once offered to return the favor--not even for just a few minutes. And the last lady I helped received help from someone else and, when they were done, just stood and chatted and laughed while I was obviously shoveling my own driveway. I mean, seriously? Yeah, a bit disheartening. Faith in humanity: further lost (though I have hope for the three kids). I don't really expect thanks or payback for things I do--I do these things because I want to help. But, damn...I figured there would be one person who would be like-minded.

Alright, I think I'm done for now. I can't grip much or type well because my hands, arms, and fingers are tired. But it's all done. I can't really get out of the neighborhood so I hope that changes at some point. I would really like to just eat a moose and hibernate until spring. Can I do that?

Anyway, here's a pic. Believe me, it's more snow than it looks.

So, 2011, is it?

2011-01-17T20:55:00.003-06:00

I haven't used this particular outlet much recently. My motto remains "If you have nothing to say, there's no need to open your mouth." In this case, rather, that could be amended to include a keyboard...you get the idea. So I haven't had a whole lot to say lately. I'm not sure that has really changed. Hopefully, as I type, I'll actually find something worth putting into bits and bytes.

First of all, I think this whole "extra zodiac sign" issue is hilarious. Some people are freaking out about it. If your zodiac sign got changed, you maybe now know what the ex-planet Pluto feels like.

I could probably live for weeks off the crumbs that I just dumped out of my keyboard. Yeah, I know, right?

I wish that there was some way to reassure children that it really doesn't matter what kinds of names people call you in school.

I booted up and played through Master Of Orion II the other day. That game may be old and dated, but it's still super fun and holds up surprisingly well.

I made it back to the gym today after a few weeks of hideous allergies and a rather stupid-nasty cold. While it was great to be there, it was most certainly not pretty. The sooner I can run outside in the park, the better.

I got an e-mail from Toyota today. They were touting the newest Priuses to be released. One of those vehicles is their electric car. I love the idea of electric cars. However, this Prius (due out in 2012) only got a whopping 13 miles on the electricity. Seriously? That's, like, not even trying! I truly hope they're not planning on marketing that car, lest they be laughed out of the auto market altogether.

I'd really like to review Syfy's latest offering, Behemoth, but I only saw the last 30 minutes or so of the movie. From what I gathered, there was a moutain that was really a monster...and it ate some stuff and destroyed some other stuff and it was all like "Rawr!!!" and the people were all like "Aaaaaa!!!" and then more eating and destruction...and then some dude killed it with, you guessed it, a rocket. big surprise there.

Also, it had Cigarette-Smoking Man (William B. Davis) from the X-Files in it.

So this was Christmas

2010-12-27T16:38:00.004-06:00

Time was spent with family, presents have been unwrapped, and much food was eaten...then some more was eaten and, after some coffee, more was eaten.

Then I ate a little more. But there was Chinese food involved, so of course I was hungry soon after! Duh.

I put out the Mizzou flag for the Insight Bowl last night and forgot to bring it in. When I went to get it this morning, it was gone. Reason #251 why I would like to move out of any kind of neighborhood. I'm a sucky neighbor, and my neighbors all suck.

Not really much else to say except...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Shark Swarm
This four-hour toothy extravaganza stars John Schneider, Daryl Hannah, and Armand Assante. That's right...Bo Duke, a mermaid and...um...well, I don't really know what Armand Assante's been in, but I've heard the name before.

What do you get when you combine these three actors, a sleepy town by the bay, and a bunch of pissed off sharks? You get FOUR HOURS OF BOREDOM! Yes...four hours. I may have thought more of this movie if it had been the standard, two-hour fare--and it should've been. But it wasn't. And I cried.

So this sleepy town by the bay has a problem. Yep, you guessed it--sharks. Well, okay...two problems. First there are the sharks, then there is also this a-hole (Assante) who is buying up all the land in the area so he can put up condos. Oh, but wait. There is a third problem! The fishing industry has gone to pot--there appears to be no fish in the bay at all anymore! Oh no! A fourth problem?? The sharks are constipated! Well, maybe not...but who's going to ask them to provei t?

It seems that someone is leaking toxic chemicals into the bay and killing off all the fish while also somehow pissing off the sharks, causing them to swarm and eat anything in sight. Now, in normal movies, this would mutate the sharks into some strange hybrids that could shoot lasers and predict lottery numbers. Maybe that would've required a four-hour movie. But in this movie, they just get pissed off and hungry. Two hours, max.

So basically, for four hours, everyone runs around, not realizing there are sharks that are eating people. John Schneider goes berserk and hulks out a couple of times, Daryl Hannah stays on land and doesn't grow a mermaid tail, and the sharks...they eat people...sometimes.

There really isn't any more to say about this movie. Those four hours felt like four days. I had to go to therapy afterward, but I'm recovering nicely. Thanks for asking.

So here are your Drive-in Totals:

Duke boys: 1
Uncle Jesses: 0
Mermaids: 0
Sharks: 0 --They were all CGI and it was all the same footage
Contrived plots: 1
Munching
Swarming
Gun-fu
Cage-fu

5 billion stars. (Really only 2, but we're rating this movie by the hour)

If You Want Rambling...

2010-12-15T23:11:00.006-06:00

So the "Dear Playstation" ads continue to crack me up. I have nothing against the PS3 so don't crucify me when I say that I have no desire to own one. But the commercials are truly excellent. Kudos to whatever ad agency came up with those.

The rapping Kia hamsters, on the other hand...they really need to die in a tire fire. Would you like to go to the land of fiery-do? Your mother will not mind at all if you do!

I'm already starting to feel bored with running indoors, on a treadmill, while looking out at darkness. But, on the other hand, I'm really not missing having to cut the grass! I've been trying to push myself on the treadmill, however. It's easier to get a good workout when you know how fast you're going and on what grade you're running. I just wish I could actually go somewhere. Sure, the treadmills have little TVs in them but I found out, long ago, that those devices are only there to make me lose my balance and go flailing, only to land in a pile of spindly arms and legs on the coold, hard, floor.

I've managed to eek out a bit more writing and think that my next shortstory will be somewhere near the relative "complete" stage soon. I've really been slacking for a while. I've got a ton of different, very shiny things to which I can devote my attention and, these days, writing often takes a back seat or gets buried under a pile of thousands of tasty, competing stimuli. Either that or I just have one bad attention deficit. :)

So here's one of my favorite bits from the short-lived "Greg the Bunny" show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mci9vrG5xJs

And then there was...

Syfy Saturday: Ice quake
There is only one person in this movie you may have heard of: Brendan Fehr. He's done a lot of crime drama work and apparently was in some "Roswell" show I never watched. Otherwise this movie stars nobody...unless you count ice and hordes of cow farts.

See, the cow farts (well, okay, it's liquid methane, but still) are trapped in caves underneath a mountain. Don't ask me how the cows put them there...just go with it. I mean, really--better down there than where we have to deal with them.

Rewind to the main dude and his family--they're traveling up the mountain to pick out and chop down a Christmas tree...on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve--really? Shouldn't you have a tree by now? What kind of a deadbeat family are you!? You don't wait that long to get a tree! If anything bad happens on this mountain, you deserve what you--

And of course something bad happens. I mean, the movie isn't called "Puppies Chasing Kittens" is it? No. It's called ICE FREAKING QUAKE! So I wanna see some ice and some quakes!

Which is exactly what happens--though it's not really very cool. The (crappy CGI) ground splits open, the earth shakes, and the cow flatus reservoir begins to surface. But you know what they say...he who smelt it--well, I digress. So the kids get split up from the parents, everyone makes some really bad decisions, they meet up with a team of nerds that all quickly get killed off and then the day is saved...with explosives, of course. It would've been a stretch to somehow get nukes into the picture, but apparently a petroleum explosion (or a few) did the trick. Huzzah! Random People: 1. Cows and their farts: 0

So here are your Drive-In Totals:

Idiot family: 1
Helicoptersicles: 1
Crappy snow shelters: 1
Idiot dogs who get needlessly lost in the snow but return miraculously at the end of the movie: 1 (because you just can't kill the dog. We learned that from "Independence Day".)
Frozen corpses: 1
Nerd-slaughtering
Building-trashing
Ice-fu
Snow-fu
Crack-fu (Yes, crack-fu)

2 stars

Random Bits

2010-11-14T10:19:00.003-06:00

Honestly, I don't have a whole lot to talk about at the moment. It's mostly a bunch of random bits...a hotdog of words, if you will.

Halloween was awesome. I miss the nonstop horror movies now that it's over.
The NFL football season is crazy this year. Possibly the best reality show ever.
Found a neat little iPhone/iPod/iPad app called "Zumocast". Lets you, on your phone, play any song from any of your PCs anywhere as long as everything is connected to the Internet.
Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming! Wait...it's been coming since, like, July. No surprise there.
I am extremely glad elections are over. Now we can watch all the pinheads who got elected fail miserably and go back on all their promises.
Now is the time of year when I long for a wood fireplace...again.

Really, that was all just an excuse to get to...

Syfy Pictures Presents: "The Lost Future"

This little piece of genius stars Sean Bean (whom I did not recognize at all until just now). All I can think about is how he was on set, probably yelling "I was BOROMIR, dammit!" But why shouldn't he do Syfy movies? John Rhys-Davies went the same route--from LoTR to Syfy. Yeah, we see how that turned out.

So I missed the first 10 minutes of the movie, but I don't think it mattered. Apparently, civilization is in ruins. I'm guessing someone accidentally pushed "the button" or let the bees out or just listened to a lot of 80's music and, bam! Mutants! I know, you're saying "No!!! Not mutants!!" Yes...mutants. You knew they were coming. Why mutants? Because zombies are everywhere. So I guess Syfy felt they had to switch it up.

So a village gets wiped out by mutants and its survivors are cowering in a cave. They're infected and are going to also turn into mutants. Three people escape--handsome dude #1, handsome dude #2, and cute chick in hot pants. Of course, they're also infected. And thus begins their quest to not turn into mutants! They skip through verdant fields, holding hands and singing songs while meeting people along the way and being chased by mutants. Actually, they simply do a lot of running, screaming, and probably some peeing.

But wait! OMG! There is a yellow powder that, when inhaled, cures the affliction and makes you immune! Hope for humanity! Basically, mutants = cocaine addicts going through withdrawal! That mindset makes the movie more entertaining. So, basically, this movie should be called "The Lost Stash".

Here are your Drive-in Totals:

Teenagers on a quest for...um...powder: 3
Horrible, awful mutants: the whole world
Asshole rulker who hordes the...um...powder: 1
Dudes who can read: 1
Arrows Sean Bean gets hit with...again: 1
Rock-fu
Arrow-fu
Mutant-fu
Beheading
Powder-snorting

2 1/2 stars

It's definitely time

2010-10-27T18:32:00.005-05:00

The leaves are falling, the air is getting crisp, the children can't sit still...it's time for their dentist appointments! Oh, no, wait...duh...it's almost time for Halloween.

First of all, I'd really like to give thanks to AMC who sees fit every year to play horror movies for two weeks. Seriously, the rest of the TV stations need to step up, grow a pair, and play me some damned horror movies! And, Syfy, "Giant Banana Slug vs. Giant Dung Beetle" does not count as a horror movie. Hell, it barely counts as a movie! Oh, and get that horrid "Ghost Hunters" and "Destination Truth" bullshit off the air. Seriously? That's horrible, not horror. Unless the banana sluck wears a mask and wields a knife...then it's just hilarious.

No, I'm talking about the originals--"A Nightmare on Elm Street", "Friday the 13th" and, possibly my all-time favorite, "Halloween". Though I haven't actually seen "A Nightmare on Elm Street" on TV in a long time.

So, yeah, AMC. Not only have they been playing nonstop horror movies, but they've been including commentary from directors and actors called "Killer Conversations". My favorite segment was banter between Kane Hodder (the guy who played Jason Voorhees) and Tony Moran (the guy who played Michael Meyers). They were like little kids, giddy about the movies and comparing their "favorite kills". Also, they have these two guys recreating classic horror movies in their garage. Hilarious.

Good times.

Also, we made our annual pilgrimage to the pumpkin patch. Much fun was had by all. What cracked me up is the amount of attention the girls gave to a black cat roaming the grounds. Like we don't have two of those already! Though, to be fair, ours are losers. And everyone loves a winner! Below I've included pics that I shamelessly yoinked from K's blog post.

THIEVERY!

Game Over

2010-10-20T16:08:00.003-05:00

My Extra Life game marathon came to an end around 7:30 Saturday night and, I think, was a complete success. Sure, nobody was "checking up" on me to see if I actually played for 24 hours straight. I mean, sometimes I did feel like I was being watched, but that might have just been fatigue...or not. Anyway, I only needed a really small excuse to game for 24 hours, so it worked out well.

I played through Halo: Reach, Halo: Combat Evolved, Halo 2, Halo: ODST, and most of the "Sierra 117" level of Halo 3. I could've gotten a little bit further if I hadn't stopped every so often to experiment in the games. These were my "I wonder what happens if I do this" moments. And, more often than not, they resulted in "Oh, I die" moments. At 10:00 in the morning after you've been gaming since 7:00 pm the previous night, moments like this can inspire quite a bit of slap-happy laughter.

I drank a lot of caffeine and didn't really start wilting until around 4 pm (with only about three hours to go). The nighttime and early morning hours flew by, with the rest of the time sort of dragging. I often found myself thinking I was almost done with one of the games, only to realize "Oh, I still have that level to play through."

I also took about an hour off of the Halo games to play Starcraft 2 with some friends online. We promptly sucked ass, then one of their connections dropped, so I returned to my Halofest.

There were also a couple of times where I felt I really should get out and get some exercise but, given the sleep deprivation, I decided I really wouldn't get very far anyway. I also wondered if I might get sore thumbs from the Xbox controller. There were many times, back in the NES and Super NES days, when I would get "Nintendo Thumb" (related to 'Mouse Claw" from playing too much Diablo) but my thumbs were sturdy and held fast. I also wondered if My Xbox would put up with being on for 24 hours, but it performed admirably. Not only does it play games, but it doubles as a fancy space heater!

In the end, money was raised and games were played...by around 3400 gamers. I had an awesome time, and will probably do it again next year if I can get a team together...in case I need another excuse to stay up all night playing videogames. Perhaps Minecraft for 24 hours straight?

Maximum Halo in 24 hours

2010-10-15T10:49:00.002-05:00

Tonight at 7:00 I embark upon a noble cause--playing videogames for 24 hours. No, wait...the noble cause is the "Extra Life" charity to benefit the Children's Miracle Network. I got my pledges. Now it's time for me to man up and...um...sit my ass in a chair for 24 hours and play video games. Seriously? I'd do that anyway...charity or no. That's assuming I can stay awake for it all, considering I will actually be up for close to 36 hours, not just 24.

Anyway, tonight is the night--7:00 pm Friday night to 7:00 pm Saturday night. And my plan is to play through as many Halo games as I can manage. I figure that I can get through most of them assuming my brain doesn't ooze out my eye sockets or my cat doesn't kill me due to lack of attention.

In actuality, I've always wanted to know if I could pull a 24-hour game marathon and I guess I will find out soon. I'll be sure to be fully stocked with snacks and drinks, and maybe a cattle prod to jolt me awake if I start to fall asleep.

Let the games begin!

Why do I do this?

2010-10-03T12:57:00.005-05:00

A friend recently told K "when I was in the army, we were told that 80% of civilians can't run a mile." I find this to be a positive thing. Why? Well, those 80% will become the living dead when the zombie apocalypse happens, and I'll be totally safe! That also translates into slow, out-of-shape zombies, so they'll be easy to pick off!

This weekend was the Roots N' Blues N' Barbeque Half-Marathon. I ran it. I have run it (or its predecessor) for a few years now. The results are as follows:

So it went well--not as well as last year, but well. I did stop and walk a few times. The hills during the second half of the run are really brutal. Whoever came up with this course should be killed a minimum of three times. The have no business planning half-marathons. In fact, I'm willing to bet that whoever planned this course will be one of the zombies during the apocalypse.

So there are a few things I can take away from this year's run:

The perfect breakfast after a half-marathon is barbeque. Totally.
Rockstar Lemonade tastes like three different kinds of ass. It was free and it's normally about $4 a can. So, sure, it's liquid gold...that tastesl ike three different varieties of ass.
Even though I didn't do as well as last year, I am still very pleased with my performance.
If you're going to have a pace runner...make sure said pace runner is actually running the pace he's marked to run. Seriously. If you're a 1 hr 45 min. pace runner, don't make me think I'm doing really awesome when I pass you. Move your lousy ass!
K did better than last year, and she totally rocks.
There is nothing like a pumpkin latte after a half-marathon.

Also, yesterday, G and I went looking for Halloween decorations and horror movies. Both searches were met with such disappointing lameness that I am thoroughly saddened. The decorations this year a really sad. There is nothing realy inspired or awesome and even some of the usual staples aren't around. And as far as finding good, classic horror movies goes it was even worse. Try to find the original "Halloween" or "Halloween 2" and you will be disappointed. I mean, seriously? I did find "Baseketball" on DVD for $5, so the search wasn't all bad.

And then there's...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Graves

It really says something about a movie when you can't find it on IMDB. This particular gem stars nobody you've heard of except maybe Tony Todd (yes, The Candyman). There are very few main characters, actually, and most everyone gets killed off in the first 30 minutes.

But I digress.

So two sisters are roadtripping to...well, I have no idea where. But they stop in a little town called "Unity" where they meet all sorts of freakshows, including the town preacher (Tony Todd). They are directed to a popular local tourist trap--an old mine. This is when the shit hits the fan, people start dying, and the "I don't get what's going on here" starts flowing like beer from a keg.

This blacksmith dude is running around the mine, killing people but telling them that he doesn't enjoy it. Then his brother comes along and starts killing people, only he says that enjoys it. There's a psycho lady called "Mama" running around as well. Though, really, the only thing truly psycho about her is her red teeth. Don't get me wrong...that's pretty nasty to begin with.

As it turns out...and this is a shocker...the entire town is in on it! Didn't see that coming? What? Were you flipping channels again? So, yeah. The entire town must harvest souls for a local demon who hangs out there. And the demon has this really nasty armpit odor that causes people to go all psycho and attack anything that moves. So, yeah.

Oh, and the movie is called "Graves" because the two sisters share the last name of "Graves". Yep, that's it.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:

Stupid tourists: 4
Stupid sisters: 2
Demons who need to shower: 1
Harvested souls: the entire damn town of Unity
Knitting needle-fu
Stick-fu
Scythe-fu
Blood-spewing
Gun-in-the-face

3 stars

Subject to Availability, Not Valid in Rhode Island

2010-09-14T11:14:00.008-05:00

So last night I participated in what might be my last "Midnight Release" for a video game. I had mixed feelings about the whole event and almost didn't go. But, since it's very possible it will be my last, I figured I'd stick it out.

First, let's get something out of the way. I played about 45 minutes of Halo: Reach last night and loved it. Alright, we're done with that part.

Back when PC gaming was booming and the Xbox wasn't even a glimmer in Bill Gates' eye, video games were in high demand on the first day of their release. This meant there was a decent chance, if you didn't hurry your ass to the store, you wouldn't get your prized video game because they would all sell out like steaks at a T-Rex convention.

I remember several games that fell into this category--Diablo, Diablo II, and the original Starcraft are the ones that come to mind. I remember going to the mall at lunch just to procure my "collector's edition" before they were all gone. This was before online shopping became ubiquitous, and before preorders really existed at all. And the collector's editions sometimes weren't all that special. But you were often lucky to get the regular edition of the game. Sure you could try to "reserve" a copy of the game but that sometimes had disastrous results.

I barely knew what Halo: Combat Evolved was when I received it as a gift. For Halo 2, I ordered the collector's edition from Amazon. But I was so excited to play it that I also went to a Midnight release and bought the standard copy of the game. I went to Halo 3's, Halo ODST's, and now Halo: Reach's Midnight releases. I almost went to Starcraft II's Midnight release but skipped out on it.

Why? Well, first of all, I knew I would get my copy of the game. I had put money down on it; it was reserved for me, guaranteed. I was really excited to play it, but I knew it was mine. I'd tear the arms off of anyone who said otherwise.

The second, and most important reason, is because the Midnight releases aren't really all that exciting. The release for Halo 2 was fun. there was a huge line (I was near the front) and we sat in the mall for hours, talking about "dual-wielding" and other such nerdy subjects. The game store passed out sodas and balloons and asked trivia questions--lame questions, but it was kinda fun. Everyone was abuzz with excitement. I'm pretty sure someone peed themself. Maybe not, but they should have. I should have demanded such.

The downside to this method, while fun, is that people cut in line because their friends had been there, saving their spot. It gets chaotic when the doors finally open, and angry mobs are definitely a possibility. You've got hundreds of tired, hungry, excited, and probably sweaty and overweight gamers who WANT THE GAME. They want to be the first to get it, especially if there is the possibility of free swag etc.

So, for Halo 3, things got more organized. I have to admire the system but, at the same time, it was not nearly exciting. There was still electricity in the air but it was more from a 9-volt battery instead of from a power plant. The game store let us pay off the game in groups and then assigned us group numbers that would be called to actually get the game. This meant we didn't have to wait around all night. So a couple of friends and I went to a bar, then returned to pick up the game.

Halo ODST was mostly a no-show. I got in, got the game, and got out in less than an hour.

So fast forward to last night and Halo: Reach's Midnight release. I've been heavy into Starcraft 2, and the Chiefs are playing the Chargers...at Arrowhead...opening night...on Monday Night Football. Despite having multiple other things to do, I still feel compelled to go to the Midnight release of Halo: Reach.

There are several things I notice about this release:

1. I am perhaps one of the oldest people in the group. I feel a little out of place.
2. The line is longer than I expected.
3. Many of the people in line are your archetypal videogamer--overweight, floppy-haired, teenaged. One of them keeps bumping into me. He's had too much caffeine. I briefly consider punching him in the kidney, but think better of it. He'll need both those kidneys later in life at the rate he's going.
4. So many people are staring at their phones, doing stuff. Me included. I'm using my phone to track the Chiefs game.
5. This is not a fun line. This line is business only. These people (again, me included) want their game and then want to go home and play it. I want my game so I can watch the Chiefs win, then play it.
6. The line is moving extremely slowly. I've never seen any preorder line move this slowly.

So, really, the Midnight release wasn't fun, save for the anticipation and excitement of getting the game. Most games that I want I am not as passionate about so I doubt that I will see another Midnight release in my liftetime.

Though I would consider a Duke Nukem Midnight release...if that game was to ever actually get made.

Out.

Rash, The Time Machine

2010-08-23T22:32:00.002-05:00

Last night I had the pleasure of spending an evening at Riverport Amphitheater (yes, I still consider it "Riverport Amphitheater", not "Verizon Wireless Shameless Promotion Palace") to take in the wonderful music of Rush.

It was just about 15 years ago that I made my one and only trip to see the same band perform on the "Test for Echo" tour. I became a Rush fan in college when my roommate stuck in Chronicles, Disc 2 and pushed "random". I'd heard a few Rush songs before--mostly Tom Sawyer and a few songs from "Hold your Fire", but they never really cemented in my brain. But the song that came on in my dorm room that day instantly stuck with me, and I had to hear more.

"Subdivisions".

It only snowballed from there, and I was very much overjoyed when I had the opportunity to see Rush for the first time. I've never been an avid concert attendee and, while I definitely enjoyed the show, I don't think I appreciated it nearly as much as I could have. I left the show satisfied, but that was about it.

This time was a much different experience. From the beginning of "Spirit of Radio" to the end of "Working Man", I was sucked in. I've listened to so much Rush for so long, it almost felt as if I was just hanging out with three friends. They took me through all of these songs that I've listened to for years, telling their stories and wowing me with their unbeatable talents. Watching each one of them play their instruments is like watching the pinnacle of skill, and they make it look effortless. It was at this concert that I realized that these three guys are my musical idols. I wish I could do what these guys do--and I don't even play drums or bass. But they make me want to. And now I want to pick up my lonely guitar in the corner and just start playing.

And they really know how to put on a show. There is no opening band--there never is. Rush puts their hearts and souls into each show, and they stick it out for three and a half hours. The tickets may not be cheap but Rush makes sure you get more than your money's worth by entertaining you with humor, visuals and, of course, badass music. I left the concert both satisfied and yet still wanting some more. I listened to all of my Rush albums randomized both on the way to the concert and on the way home.

A much different experience indeed.

And the best part--I finally got to see and hear "Subdivisions", performed live, right in front of me.

After that, the concert could have ended and I would have filed out of the venue with the masses, wandered to the car, and driven home in the dead of night, listening to Rush...all with a big fat smile on my face.

Thundergeeks, HO!

2010-08-11T17:41:00.004-05:00

There are very few places I've visited or hung out where I truly felt I was "around my own kind", for lack of a better term. "Sure," you're thinking, "he's probably an alien and he's uneasy in most Earthling situations." If that is what you're thinking, then I need your full address because my mission here on Earth cannot be compromised by some snot-nosed little know-it-all who has seen through my disguise and--er...nevermind.

I recently returned home from Gen Con Indy and, I must say, I had a total blast. It's a place where you can go, walk into the middle of a huge crowd and yell "Pokemon sucks!" and people don't look at you funny. Sure, you get lots of agreement as the usual "No, YOU SUCK!" responses, but the point is that everyone knows exactly what you are talking about. You can talk about who would win in a fight: Thor or the Hulk, or which monster you'd rather fight: a dragon or a cybernetic aboleth-werewolf hybrid hepped up on goofballs.

Not that I have any experience with any of that.

Gen Con is a place where you can walk past Darth Vader, Tinkerbell, and a Big Daddy from Bioshock all while watching people dressed up, dancing. I didn't recognize who they were supposed to be, nor did I understand why they were dancing, but they were relatively entertaining.

You can play in a Call of Cthulhu game in the morning, restore the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in the afternoon, and then delve into a dungeon in the evening. You can stroll around a gigantic exhibition hall, pilot a battlemech, or walk through a life-sized dungeon.

It's a whirlwind of hunger, caffeine overdose, lack of sleep, gaming, gaming, more gaming and, when that's all over...more gaming.

Gen Con is a place where you can play new games, play old games, or even stumble upon that hidden gem you didn't even know existed. It's where you can watch a screening of "Alien vs. Ninja" or sit in front of anime all night, even if you don't understand what the hell is going on. Though, due to lack of sleep, there is a good chance it might actually make sense.

It's big. It's fun. It's a bit aromatic sometimes, so make sure to take a shower...please.

And now that I've returned from this gamegasm, I'm gonna go play some Starcraft 2.

Alright Already

2010-07-21T21:16:00.003-05:00

An Open Letter to August:

Dear August,

It is not your time yet. July is not over. I know you are ready for your time and you just can't wait to swoop in and do what you do best--suck--but, seriously, why are you in such a hurry?

Don't get me wrong. The sooner you arrive, the sooner you can be over and we can get on with living. But why force your agenda on July? I fully realize that the end of July is usually a bit hot and humid...but, seriously, a heat index of 107 degrees for several days...really? Isn't that going a little too far? That's not just crossing the line, but crossing it and then turning around and pissing on it while pouring sugar in its gas tank.

So lay off a bit and let us all go outside without shriveling up into dessicated husks--maybe just for a few days? After that, you can take over. I won't really care because, then, at least football will be returning...even if it is only preseason "football'esque" substance stuff.

Sincerely,
Someone who loathes you (that's me, btw)

With that out of the way, here's the weekly review...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Goblin

Surprisingly, this movie didn't suck. No, it would never win any awards unless there is an award for "Syfy movie that doesn't totally suck". So, anyway, this movie stars Gil Bellows. You might remember him from Ally McBeal. I don't, though, because I never watched that show. But I heard he was on it.

The interesting thing is that he doesn't have Goblin in his list of movies on his IMDB page. Likewise, looking on the IMDB page for Goblin, he's not listed in the credits. I guess I can't argue with him if he wanted to disavow knowledge of the movie...it may be halfway decent, but it's still a Syfy movie. That's like saying "I'm appearing on 'Last Call with Carson Daly'"!

Sure, you're on a late-night talk show...barely. And it's hosted by Carson Daly who we all know is a tool. So should you really be proud? But I digress.

The plot is simple--way back in the day, a freak baby was born and so the crazy village elders threw it into a fire to ward away evil spirits. The baby's mother was a witch and she summoned a goblin from the baby's bones to come back every Halloween and kill all the children. Nothing special. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time this happened to me...yeah. So anyway...

So ol' Gil and his family travel to the present-day small town and for a business meeting and get embroiled in the child-munching goblin mayhem while trying to keep their infant son from being the next main course.

So no giant shark or giant octopus. Though you bet your ass I'm going to watch "Sharktopus" when it rears its ugly head. Seriously.

Alright, here are your Drive-in Totals:
Psycho witches: 1
Crazy town drunks: 1
Disembowelings: 1 (maybe more, I can't recall)
Horny teenagers: 4
DEAD horny teenagers: 2
Car-fu
Spear-fu
Running
Screaming
Munching

4 stars

I Call Shenanigans!

2010-07-13T22:58:00.004-05:00

So, the other day, I went to my favorite park for a nice, peaceful run in the hideous heat and humidity. I often do this because I would almost rather gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon than run on a treadmill at the gym. I'd prefer to do neither of those things, so I opt to run outside. Really, it's almost like swimming in humidity, so it's not all bad.

So, anyhoo, I pull up, all fly in my Yaris and looking phat with my iPhone strapped to my arm. I get out of the car and realize that someone is blasting the most god-awful "music" I've ever heard. It's very very loud, it's obnoxious, and it's laced with profanity (the f-bomb among other words). I'm not really against profanity in music but, please, don't force others to listen to it, especially when there are children and small puppies around. It was rap, it was loud, and it was rude. And I bet any puppies in the vicinity are going to grow up to be assholes now.

The enjoyer of this music was standing outside his car, dressed with his pants down to hanging off him, and looking rather unsavory. he was standing outside his car with the door open and just blasting this nasty music. I briefly thought about asking him politely to turn it the hell down but he really looked like he'd probably try to kick my ass. In retrospect, I probably should have said something. But, really, I'm a wuss at heart. I may be able to befuddle him with sarcasm, but I somehow doubt he'd appreciate the subtlety.

So I decided to just start running. Nobody else seemed to care and there wasn't anyone really close by anyway. I put on my headphones and took off down the sidewalk.

And not five seconds after I started, I saw a police car pull around and park behind this dude's car. They got out and started talking to this promising young man while I ran off into the distance.

1.7 miles later, I have looped around the park and check out the spectacle. The music has stopped, and the police are now searching his car. He's looking rather miffed, standing outside the car with some 'splainin' to do. I continued my run. After 4.1 miles and 3 gallons of sweat later, I finish. The dude is still there and the music has not come back, but he is now talking to his friend.

So now you can read this and cry "racist!" (because the dude was, indeed black) but, honestly, I cry "idiot!" I can't totally discount the fact that the police may not have searched his car if he was white. But obviously someone either called the cops on him for noise or they heard him and investigated. Maybe they had cause to search him. Maybe not.

But, honestly, white black or any other race, if you want to be respected in life, stop looking and acting like an asshat. Seriously.

The Random List

2010-07-10T20:24:00.003-05:00

Random Stuff:

Sometimes a four-year-old can eat as much as me. That's saying something.
When Wal-Mart sponsors a TV movie, you can bet your ass you'll see "Great Value" products prominently displayed every other minute.
Every dog, no matter what, looks hilarious with a "cone of shame" collar around their neck.
The fact that every movie these days is in 3D sucks.
The "Syfy" network needs to knock it off already with the "Ghost Hunters" and wrestling crap.
Lebron James, no matter how good he plays is, and will always be, an ass. But that's not unusual, seeing as how that is a prerequisite for playing in the NBA these days.
The original Jurassic Park still kicks ass. Avatar, suck it.
Steam is not just a game service, it's an addiction. Seriously. It's ridiculous.
I now have all of my boardgames sitting on a small bookshelf behind me. While my collection is not that big and doesn't really get played, I still like to see them.

I have been playing Crackdown 2 and, I have to say, it's really fun. I must admit that I only got the first Crackdown game because it came with a beta invite for Halo 3 but it, too, turned out to be a lot of fun. Hence, I bought the second one. There are definitely missions and an overarching plot but screw that. I just enjoy jumping from rooftop to rooftop and mowing down mutant freaks in a car (and the occasional pack of civilians). It's very much over the top but very very fun. If you played and liked the first one, you won't be disappointed with the second one.

Last week's Syfy movie was ridiculously boring and nonsensical. Part of that may be due to the fact that we only watched the last half. Anyway, I didn't pay close enough attention to it.

Time to Take Out the Trash...

2010-06-30T00:29:00.002-05:00

As of late, K and I have been going through a massive effort to clean out unwanted crap from our basement storage room. It had really gotten out of control and got so bad that we really couldn't manuever anywhere if we wanted to actually get something. Every house has that room, right? My parents called it "The Wood Room". Yes, it once stored firewood but also housed everything ever acquired since T-Rex and Velociraptor fought it out.

And if T-Rex and Velociraptor were to fight, who would win? Velociraptor is pretty fast but T-Rex is huge. Though he's got those wimpy little arms...oh, but I digress.

So we have gotten rid of a butt-ton of junk. Much of it has been donated to the Salvation Army, and books have gone to the local library. Be that as it may, I'm eager to see the looks on the trash dudes' faces when they see the veritable parade of crap we will have set out on the curb (both trash and recycling). Hopefully they won't just laugh at us and leave it there. Seriously, it'll be quite a bit.

Sure, I found lots of old toys and books from my childhood, most of which have found their way to great Donation Heaven. The only thing I don't get rid of are two things: Transformers (old school) and action figures. The former are just too cool and the latter I still actually buy from time to time.

Just tonight I found a box that contained two things--cassette tapes and several notebooks. Within the notebooks was a lot of writing I did in high school and college--some of it for classes, but much of it creative.

And I tossed it all in the recycling.

I thumbed through it and skimmed over some of it and briefly thought about keeping the creative writing--all were unfinished stories I wrote long ago. Some I remember, some I don't. But I find myself with no attachment to any of it. In no way do I feel like I am a truly awesome writer, but I do know that I've surpassed the caliber of writing that I did back then. I did keep two pieces which I hope to maybe recreate--one story wasn't even close to finished and I have no idea if I will pick it back up.

I even threw out an almost complete printed copy of the book I wrote. I have it all contained in files and, well, I'm not too keen on actually revisiting it these days. It was long and rambling and needs work and I simply don't have the time to devote to editing and condensing. But anything is possible, I suppose.

I can't review last week's Syfy movie because I wasn't in town to watch it. It was one of their "Giant mutated somethingorother vs. another giant mutated somethingorother" movies, so I am positive it was deliciously bad.

Here I sit, eating chocolate chips

2010-06-23T20:18:00.002-05:00

Yeah, that's right. Part of being an adult means that, if you want, you can sit on your ass in front of the computer, watch "America's Got Talent", and eat some chocolate chips! Don't judge me!

I've noticed that the audio on the television is about a half second ahead of the video, so it looks like one really bad old kung-fu movie. It makes Joe Buck look like even more of a tool than he really is...which is still considerable. Actually, I could go on for a while about why I'm not a fan of Joe Buck, starting with his shifty eyebrows but I'll spare you the painstaking detail.

So, if I was to appear on "America's Got Talent", what would my talent be? The ability to not show up. Seriously. Grossing out a child by pretending to remove my thumb is about as far as my talent goes. Oh, wait, I'm also apparently really good at stealing covers at night. Does that count?

Alright, so it's time for the garden to either put up or shut up. The plants are all pretty big but aren't really producing much of anything. We got a couple of small heads of broccoli and there are a couple of tomatoes growing but that's about it so far. I hope for a veggie explosion that'll rock the planet. That's right. Fear my garden, biatch. It'll rock your face with vegetable'ness and vitamins!

Can you plant chocolate chips? Because, you know, that's be pretty sweet. I'm just saying, is all.

And, now, for something slightly related, or not...

Syfy Saturday presents: The Seamstress. I saw Toy Story 3 over the weekend but, being a good movie, it is much less fun to review. So we're going with this one.

Starring Lance Henrikson who will sign on for just about everything, it seems, this movie delves into the question 'What happens if some intern somewhere comes up with a really good idea, but totally charlie foxtrots it?"

The answer, it seems, is this pile of steaming kitchen refuse, randomly dropped together and sculpted into something that possibly resembles art...or a turd. It all depends on your perspective. Unfortunately, my perspective was sitting on the couch in bewilderment as I watched this movie, a giant "?" hovering above my head.

It goes a little something like this ...There were some killings and a mob of seven idiots thought they knew who did it so they found her and killed her along with her husband but now there is this island where people go and get totally murdered and it's all creepy and stuff because there are tails of "the seamstress" who sews their eyes and mouths shut and kills them. There is a lot of "Don't go into the woods"...and then they all go into the woods. And then some "I told your stupid asses NOT TO GO INTO THE WOODS!!" And then there's lots of running and screaming and dying etc. The problem is, it's all filmed in the actual dark. I guess Syfy misplaced their crappy night filters. Because of this, I couldn't tell what the hell was going on most of the time. Either people were being horribly killed or they were at a rave. Good chance of both. Either way, it never ended well. Or did it? A little strategic lighting would've been nice.

Okay, breathe...better? Yeah, no. That is what I think the movie is about. For all I know, it could have been about crazed, psychotic chihuahuas who are bent on world domination through crappy comic books. What? That makes no sense, you say? Yeah, neither did this movie.

Seriously. When the movie was over, I had way more questions that anything else. I got done watching the movie and it was as if I had just gotten done watching "Howard the Duck"--I was left with two questions:
1. WTF just happened?
2. Why the hell did I watch that?

So the Drive-in Totals are:

Stupid meatbags waiting to be killed: 6 (I think)
Dudes wilderness-wanking: 1
People running around in the dark: everyone
Cakes: Zero (but cakes would have been just as incomprehensible as the rest of the movie, but tastier!)
Chasing
Eye-sewing
Mouth-sewing
Sort of wire-fighting
Gun-fu
Tent-fu
Wanking-fu

1 star

You're Doing it Wrong

2010-06-17T19:54:00.001-05:00

The other day, I ran into one of the ladies who runs teh company that manages our neighborhood association. After stepping down from being president of the association (read: fleeing a sinking ship), I've really not paid attention to neighborhood affairs and, honestly, actively avoided such nonsense. That whole soap opera is something I definitely don't need.

Anyhoo, we talked briefly, then I asked her "So, is our little neighborhood causing you guys any grief?" Her response was "Yes...well, just one individual in particular."

Nothing more needed to be said. Some of you (well, all one of you who read this) might remember a certain person in our neighborhood who built a certain ugly structure in their yard without getting permission from the homeowners' association, got lots of complaints, bit heads off of kittens and insulted meercats...well, some of that actually happened. Anyway, yeah, I'm very much guessing it's this individual causing problems. The point is...I couldn't be happier that I got the hell out of there.

Is it sad that I'm wondering whether I could get my money's worth out of an "all-you-can eat Wings for $10.99" deal? Actually, what would be sad is if I can get my money's worth. But it's almost like a challenge--like this deal is sitting there, eyeballing me...daring me to take it. Damn you, temptation!

Alright, down to business. There's a new ultimate disaster, and it is...

Syfy Pictures Original: Stonehenge Apocalypse!

Apparently Syfy is done with giant sharks, ghosts, and volcanoes that threaten the world. Nay...those are all ordinary disasters. What could be more life threatening and world-ending than...A BUNCH OF OLD STONES STUCK IN THE GROUND!!!?? Run like hell, people!!

In all seriosity, I was really hoping the stones would come together to form a giant stone robot that rampaged across the countryside but, alas, it turns out that Stonehenge has a different agenda. See, it's old...very old, right? But apparently it's plugged into the power grid via a long-ass extension cord, because it keeps sending out shockwaves and electricity and stuff. What's worse is, it's signalling for its friends, the pyramids (Egyptian and Aztec) to vomit forth gouts of lava, fire, rocks, and lots of other types of burning badness.

And how do you fight this? How to you battle the wonders of the world? Yep, you guessed it. According to the US Armed Forces, you drop a nuke on it's damned head! Wait...it doesn't have a head! Well, which stone is the biggest? Well I don't know! Go get a tape measure and...um, anyway, yeah. The Army wants to drop a nuke on it. Does it work? What do you think? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T BLOODY WORK! Does it ever work? No. Apparently these doofuses have never seen a Syfy movie before.

The rest of the movie includes psychotic zealots, a crappy-looking artifact, and terraforming. Nope...no stone robots. :( <---Frowny face is frowny!

Oh, it stars nobody except for the leader chick from Stargate: Atlantis.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Love scenes: 0
Stone robots rampaging: 0 (I am disappoint)
Supernatural creatures: 0
Stone robots ram...dammit, still 0
Pissed-off ancient wonder of the world: 1
Stone-fu
Electricity-fu
Human-vaporizing
magma-spewing

2 1/2 stars

Anything is Possible

2010-06-10T21:18:00.003-05:00

I now realize that we can accomplish anything as a society. For I have eaten a bacon donut and lived to tell the tale! Yes, my friend, someone has finally combined bacon and a donut. The floodgates have burst open!

Actually, the donut wasn't all that great, but it wasn't horrible, either. And I haven't landed in the ER for an unexpected bypass, so I can't complain!

Also, today, I realized that playgrounds will be the most ideal area to hole up and defend when the zombie apocalypse comes. I mean, most of them are fenced in and you can totally dodge zombies with all the playground equipment. And if you get overrun, what better way to escape than go down a curly slide? But you'd never have to escape because the zombies wouldn't stand a chance.

That's about as far as my creative juices flow these days. I seem to have experienced a creativity drought. Hopefully this will end soon because I've got several projects that I really want to work on--most of them are writing but there are a couple others that I really want to get jazzed about, but can't. I want to work on said projects but find myself instantly getting stuck. Grrr.

Onto bigger and better...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Princess of Mars
Starring Antonio Sabato Jr. and former porn star Traci Lords, this movie shines...like a polished turd...which means, not at all. Because, as the wise sage Butt-Head once pointed out, you can't polish a turd, Beavis. The movie is based on a book of the same name by Edgar Rice Burroughs which, I have to believe, was a whole lot better.

Here's a short synopsis: Dude is fighting in Iraq and somehow falls unconscious (I didn't see this part) then mysteriously wakes up on Mars. The air is good, there are people on the planet, and he has super strength because of lessened gravity! There are two factions fighting each other--normal people and the Thark--humanoids with ugly faces and tusks. These dudes are probably where most of the movie's budget was blown. Well, them and the red gel filters to go over all the cameras.

Anyway, the Thark don't trust the humans who run all the air purifiers. The Thark think the purifiers are meant to oppress them. Because, as we all know, the best way to oppress a people is with lifegiving Oxygen! Throw in some water and, holy crap, you can keep any civilization down! I know that's how I'd do it.

So the main character (whatever the hell his name was) somehow earns the Thark's respect and rescues the princess, only to be captured and punished (presumably to the death) by the Thark. This, of course, backfires in a really bad fight montage that consists of a lot of super jumping and some really really lame supposed sword-fighting-like substance. Once everything is solved and you think they're all going to be lovey and happy, the dude wakes up in a hospital during the war in Iraq, vowing to "make it back to Mars someday". Oh yeah? How you gonna do that, buster? Keep hitting yourself in the head until you mystically reappear on a planet a vast distance from here? Dude, go for it!

Oh hell, let's just get to the Drive-In Totals:
Former porn stars: 1
Bad CGI: Surprisingly, not much CGI at all.
Lame swordfights: 2
Rock-throwing
Gun-shooting
Spider/bat hybrid-fu
Sword-fu

2 stars

Stuff and Junk

2010-05-31T21:42:00.005-05:00

So there are lots of things that I have encountered during a recent trip to Chicago.

I don't want to eat McDonald's for a very, very long time.
My crappy laptop actually runs Starcraft 2!
This is just what I need for my front yard:

The big city is cool and has lots of possibilities but I really enjoy being able to get to almost every destination in less than 10 minutes.
My cat sucks. Everyone else's cat is better.
No matter when in the year it is, when I am driving back from somewhere East of home, the heavens will open up and pour forth copious amounts of rain and hail.
Last, but not least, it is always comforting to return home from a trip...especially when you have a four-day work week ahead!

Whee!

A Tale of Two Activities

2010-05-13T17:40:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a while since I've penned...er...typographed anything. I'm sure you (and by "you", I mean the one or two people who read this) have been thinking "I wonder what that one dude who writes that one blog is up to?" Trust me. I'm realistic. I know these things.

I don't generally waste anyone's time by talking about nothing, so I'll get right to the point...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Mongolian Death Worm.

They're worms! They're Mongolian! And they bring death! Yes..."they". See, the title leads you to believe there is only one worm! But, surprise surprise, there are many! Unfortunately, it's much akin to being told there is only one mine in the minefield but there are actually 100. In case you don't get it...it's not a good thing.

Starring Sean Patrick Flanery (I've heard the name but I have no idea what he's been in--and I'm way too lazy to look.), this movie delivers...it delivers dog turds, in a bag...on fire. Also, it's being delivered by an axe-murderer pit bull with rabies.

I think it took about an hour to get any good view of a deadly Mongolian worm or to see any actual action. Most of the first half of the movie was setting up all kinds of unnecessary, worthless plot points that I didn't care about. Set in Mongolia (imagine that), there is apparently a sweeping disease while rabid, gun-toting gangmembers go around harassing people. And, oh yeah, there is an oil-drilling company run by a corrupt dude that is...um...doing something nefarious and evil. Honestly, I didn't care to find out what.

Some people are eaten, some really bad latex worms are thrown around, some treasure is found (yes, treasure), and, um...aw, who cares? Honestly, halfway through the movie I wanted to get distracted and wander out into traffic but this movie sucked all free will from me and all I could do was sit there, staring at the TV and drooling while, inside, I shouted for someone to kill me.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Bored viewers: 2
Times I almost fell asleep: 4
Better things to do: 524,281
Snoring
Sleep-inducing
Snooze-fu

1/2 star

Hello Starcraft, my old friend

2010-04-30T16:28:00.005-05:00

It's been well over 10 years. Perhaps 12 years?

I have not seen you in a long time. How are you doing? Are things still going well? We should get together! We should definitely get together! You just say the word.

Many things have changed since we last got together. The world is a much different place for me as I'm sure it is for you.

Oh, and I hope you're okay with me jamming zillions of zerglings, mutalisks, and roaches into your base and ripping it to pieces. I'm just saying.

It really has been too long. But, like the good friend you lose touch with, it's good when you reconnect. Having played a few days in the Starcraft 2 beta test, I can say that I am glad it's back.

It's essentially the same game--a massive, frantic clickfest guaranteed to give you the worst mouse claw hand you've ever seen (and yes, Diablo, I include you in that). Yes, it's the same game...jumping off a cliff with its hair on fire screaming "Yeeeehaaawwww!"

There is change, though. Only about 1/3 of the units from the original make a return, and I don't think any units from the expansion made the cut. There are different buildings and different dynamics with defenses and offenses but, yes, the game is still the same at its heart.

Fun.

I cannot profess that I am really that good at it. Sometimes I win, sometimes I fail miserably. What I most look forward to is playing co-op games with against the AI opponents. that was always the most fun in the past and I see no reason that will change. Playing competitively is a good way to hone my skills but gets tiresome since I usually find something shiny and lose my concentration, then get my ass handed to me by some 10-year-old who is able to play it 24/7 because he doesn't go to school.

So how about it, Starcraft 2? Wanna grab a coffee, maybe see a movie? Then we can pummel the hell out of each other until our mouse clicking index fingers fall off...and then after our prosthetic index fingers disintegrate, we'll call it a day.

Also, say "hello" to your brother, Warcraft. I hear he's got a pretty sweet gig going these days. Any chance you'll follow in his footsteps?

See ya.

They Look Like Meatballs!

2010-04-19T23:04:00.004-05:00

So, now that Spring has arrived, I have planted this year's seedlings for the garden. Not only that but I also got a composter!! I mean, seriously, is there nothing more fantastically exciting than talking about kitchen waste, dirt, and worms? You now have a rather dirty, dusty window into the miracle that is my life.

So I planted the usual--tomatoes, peppers, jalapenos, broccoli, and brussels sprouts. But I also added carrots, peas, and zucchini. And, now, the zucchini and peas are taking over the house. Seriously. They grew so much so fast...yesterday, they asked for the car keys and money to go to the mall. I told them "no", and they said I was the meanest gardener ever, and that I ruined their lives.

I have yet to actually plant anything in the garden yet. I've cut the grass twice and used the clippings to mix up in the garden, and the plants are all in peat pots on the deck. But I need to get them in the ground soon. Hopefully the frost will stay away and I'll stop being lazy. It would be nice if both of those happened. And then we can get to the next level--me asking the plants nicely to produce stuff to eat and them shaking their little plant heads and telling me to piss off.

I don't have a Drive-In Movie Review this week because Syfy's movie was the remake of "The Hitcher". I've seen the original and it was rather decent. I watched 30 minutes of the new one and demanded my money back. Unfortunately, I was yelling at my cat and he spent all his money on crack.

Roses are red...

2010-04-11T14:14:00.004-05:00

Violets are blue,
And sometimes, I like to drink out of the toilet.

Some things on my mind:

People who blatantly disregard traffic laws and screw over everyone around them should have a special place in Hell reserved for them.
When the go-ahead is given for people to register for events on Gencon's website, the world trembles and is brought to its knees.
Some of the best exercise involves walking around the zoo with a 4-year-old on your shoulders.
You can make a buttload of cash if you charge $5 for parking when most people are parking for only 15 minutes or so.
I really loathe Sundays. Especially when there is no football.

Also...Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Piranha

When a movie stars one celebrity you might have heard of, and that celebrity is Tiffany, you should probably listen to your gut instinct and not watch it. I, on the other hand, don't pay attention very well, and I watched it. Bad for me, good for you (if you like to read the drivel I post).

So...people are monkeying around with DNA...again. This time, some bimbo (Tiffany) has created a type of piranha that is more vicious and... is growing into, you guessed it, mega piranha! They eat people, they eat boats, they eat...well, just about everything. The leap out of the water and imbed themselves into buildings too! It's your basic piranha mayhem at its best which, on the normal scale of things, equals about the worst movie you've ever seen.

So you can probabl follow along here...Tiffany and some dude are now trying to stop the piranha. But the evil Venezualan military is hampering their efforts. So the first solution? Shoot them! Obviously everything can be answered with bullets right? Wrong. The piranha apparently have armor now! Imagine piranha swimming around with little flack jackets and helmets and, well, that would be infinitely more entertaining than what was actually happening, which was really nothing.

The next solution? BLOW THEM UP! That's the Syfy way! Of course, all of these plans fail miserably and lots of people get munched along the way. Oh, did I mention that the piranha are a) reproducing asexually and b) growing second sets of organs? I was waiting for the moment that they'd grow laser beams on their heads.

All in all a rather crappy movie. It did produce a few laughs, but most of those were at the expense of the really really, really bad CGI that was probably created by the director's 8-year-old son.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:

Heads munched: at least 2
Piranha imbedded in objects: 3
Destroyed battleships: 1
Flying fish: Lots
Washed-up pseudo pop stars: 1
Frenzying
Teeth-fu

1 star

Dammit

2010-03-30T19:55:00.005-05:00

So I've been pretty pumped about running in the Go St. Louis half-marathon. It's coming up in a couple of weeks. K and I were going to run in it together.

Unfortunately, K can no longer participate due to some health reasons. I was really looking forward to being at the finish line to see her cross.

Since that's not going to happen, I was planning on running in it by myself. But, not to be outdone, I somehow injured my right leg a couple of weeks ago. I think I pulled a muscle in my calf. At one point I thought it was getting better, and it very well may have been. But every time since then that I have tried to run, I've been sore afterward. So I'm rather irritated.

Guess I'll have to stay off it for a week and see if it gets any better.

Not happy.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

2010-03-17T07:25:00.004-05:00

At one point in time I held the belief that I would eventually be forced to mature--to shed the husk of childhood and immaturity and venture out into the world in the adult skin that I had grown. I would interact with other mature beings on a level far beyond anything I imagined in my early years and, in doing so, would ascend to an even higher plane of maturity where people sip fancy drinks and read really thick newspapers (without the pictures, of course).

It's good to know that, every single day, the world completely debunks this belief, shooting it out of the sky and curbstomping the living hell out of it once its smoking corpse plummets into the terra firma.

The other day I was driving down the highway behind a minivan. Said roving suppository was sputtering along decently but certainly not at the speed limit that was originally intended by the government. Normally this would be no problem since that's what the passing lane is for, am I right? Most unfortunately for me, this tin can was in the passing lane...supposedly passing another car. And my exit was coming up pretty fast.

Eventually, the vehicle sluggishly moved over in front of the car it had just passed. Once again, unfortunately for me, they did not leave any room between them and the car behind them, nor was there room for me to merge into the lane anywhere behind said other car...or the car behind it etc. So I sped up to get in front of the van and, regrettably, had to essentially cross two lanes to exit.

Now, I'll freely admit, this is what I call a "dick move". And, most of the time, it is very much unjustified. I've occasionally been a perpetrator of the dick move and felt bad, even though I did it without any real reason. But, in this particular instance, the heavenly bodies had aligned against me in an attempt to block me from my exit. Or maybe the driver of the minivan was just an a-hole. Either way, I merged in front of the minivan. I caught a brief glimpse of the elderly couple (the wife was driving) before I noticed them get in the passing lane and speed up to pass me (even though I hadn't slowed down in front of them at all and was in fact going faster than them).

Then I notice them lurch past me as I'm exiting. The old dude was giving me the finger! Bwahahaha! No, seriously...maybe you didn't understand me correctly, so I'll reiterate..."Bwa ha ha ha". He was calmly looking straight ahead while holding up his bony, undead middle finger at me!

Of course I saluted in return because that's my right. It would be rude not to acknowledge a symbolic gesture such as that. But, c'mon...seriously? Dude. You're, like, 103 (or 70'ish...but who cares?)...and your flipping me off for your bad driving? Seriously? Should I tell the lunch lady on you?

Anyway, I laughed all the way to whatever destination I had to reach. I still think it's hilarious. Somehow, I guess we all eventually got past that peurile stage. I mean, honk the horn or something. You're our elders, for Pete's sake...act like it? Although I guess cavemen could be considered our elders, and I'm sure they wiped their ass with their hands...whatever that tells you.

And now, a quick review of a recent theatrical masterpiece...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Dinoshark
First of all...how is it that Syfy is just now getting around to doing this movie? I mean, seriously, this seems like one of the FIRST movies they would have done. I mean, there was already a movie called Dinocroc. Shouldn't this have been the next step? Way to fall behind the curve, Syfy. Son, I am disappoint.

It stars nobody, which was a good move for every respectable actor. Those poor slobs who said "yes" when their agents called them are probably still trying to find work. For the great thespians of this movie couldn't deliver one sentence of dialogue properly. Every interaction was more wooden than a porn star in a room full of...you get the point. The dinoshark itself got no dialogue, but its CGI looks like it was cooked up for an 80's MIchael Jackson video, then randomly burnt with a lighter and doused with acid.

The plot, if you can call it that, is that a huge chunk of ice melts off a glacier. The ice held little baby prehistoric monster shark things, one of which we encounter down in good ol' Mexico (which looks a lot like the California coast, oddly enough). Dinoshark wreaks havoc, eats things, destroys other things (then eats them) and generally creates a really bad time for the sun-loving citizens of whatever crappy town we're supposed to believe it is. I'm guessing this is because dinoshark is so depressed because it has to be in this movie. Wouldn't it be simpler just to fire its agent?

Eventually, because it's really easy to do, dinoshark takes a harpoon through the eye and is left to swim with the fishes...er...decompose, or something. This surprised me, because I felt sure that it would be killed by explosives. Oh well. At the end, we get the exact same stock footage of the piece of glacier breaking off, and the baby dinosharks swimming away...as if to remind us "Ha, you watched this movie, you little shit. And we can make a sequel if we want to!"

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Necks/collarbones chomped: 5
People exploding in a red spray: 8
Water polo casualties: 3
Very stupid people: 100+
Hours wasted watching this trash: 2 (but it seemed like 3 or four)
Torso-chomping
Bite-fu
Harpoon-fu

1 1/2 stars

Boogers and Birds

2010-03-03T23:45:00.006-06:00

The title is random, like so many things I do. One is a story involving my 3-year-old and the solid week that she woke up every night, frantic about a booger in her nose. The other one is the inevitable tale of Spring when the birds find our dryer vent and nest within. Neither is worth its own paragraph but both are mildly humorous.

But never you mind. I don't really wish to bore you. I'm sure there are plenty of things you can find to do that. Visit an envelope factory if you really must be bored and can't think of anything.

So, a while back, I got these wireless headphones free from Mycokerewards.com. I don't have the ginormous influx of Coke points coming in anymore so I am sort of hoarding the stack of points I have, waiting for cool things. I figured wireless headphones fit this niche. Of course, as with many things, I had absolutely no use for them. But, hey, they're cool...and they're wireless!! This is serious technology! I mean, what's next? Online gaming?

Anyway...I was feeling creative today and decided I would do some writing tonight. I have a short story I've been working on that fits into my series of vignettes and it is really begging for attention. So, yeah, I intended to let my creativity flow tonight, spewing forth from my fingers, into the keyboard and, ultimately, onto my computer screen.

But then I thought of a really good use for my wireless headphones--I could use them to play guitar in the middle of the night and not wake anybody up. There was just one problem. I haven't really picked up my guitar for maybe a year. Maybe a little less. But when you're trapped in a pit with 50 hungry, multi-limbed monsters, who cares if you kill one, right? The other 49 are still going to whomp the shit out of you.

Now, one of my hangups with the guitar is this (if you laugh, I'll find you and give you a wedgie): I hate for anyone else to hear me play. I always have. Even during guitar lessons, I felt like an idiot. I don't think I'll ever understand why, but that's how it is. So you can imagine my happiness when I discovered the headphones' purpose.

So I picked up my baby and played a bit...and only I could hear me. I couldn't care less if I mess up, so I just played...privately, in my own little world. And it felt wonderful, like those times you wake up before the alarm is supposed to go off and realize you have the day off...kinda like that. And, yes, I sucked. Not playing for a year or so will do that to you. My callouses have long since atrophied so my fingers felt it, but it was a good hurt.

Here's a picture, just because I like to be all multimedia-ish, and stuff. It's an Epiphone Les Paul, tobacco starburst or some crap like that.

Another reason I haven't played for so long is I got bored. I've got a badass ear. I can pick riffs and chords out of a song on the radio and recreate them with scary speed (my piano childhood piano teacher tried to destroy that talent, but I defied him). But I don't seem to have the time to do this, or to write my own stuff. So I end up playing the same thigns over and over...which gets boring.

Also, and this is an afterthought, K and I watched "Beauty and the Beasts: A Dark Tale" last Saturday on Syfy, starring Estella Warren, who you might remember from the "Planet of the Apes" remake...or not, since her acting is as bad as that movie.

Anyway, I'm not really going to devote much time to this movie. Suffice it to say...it sucked...hard. Normally we laugh at how cheesy the movie is but, this time, we were laughing at the awful acting, hideous CGI, and the even worse editing. Yeah, it stunk. I can't even muster up the interest to create the Drive-In Totals. It was like taking a train wreck, mixing it with a car wreck, throwing a couple of plane wrecks in there for good measure, and then drizzling pure, liquified incompetence on top.

1 star

$20, Same as in Town

2010-02-13T23:19:00.002-06:00

Apparently the average homo sapien sticks to his or her New Year's resolution for approximately a month and a half. See, right after the New Year started, the gym became packed with people who looked to be frantically exercising, like a psychotic gerbil burning up the wheel. Of course, I assume this was because they all made a New Year's Resolution to drop some weight. The only reason I cared is because this resulted in me actually having to wait to do something I don't particularly like--running on a treadmill. But, this entire week, the gym has been relatively empty. Way to go, guys!

The Winter Olympics have started. If you're unaware of this, move the rock, look at the fiery skyball, and turn on the TV. I'm a big fan of the Olympics and I really can't explain why. Sure, I love seeing the crazy adrenaline jockeys do maniacally insane stunts for my viewing pleasure. But, for some reason, it just feels like a worldwide party. It's a time when, sure, I can root for my athletes, but I can also just root for the world. Amazingly inspiring stories often come from the Olympic Games--tales of triumph, determination and, unfortunately, sadness. It is a horrible situation that happened to the luger in training. You can say "it's a bad start to the games" all you want but, when all is said and done, we lost one of our own. Yes, the world lost one of its own in an unfortunate accident.

If that made you sad, then I have just the right thing to cheer you up: Cauldron Fail. ;) Anyway, long live sport, and Go world!

Now, onto other matters...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Transmorphers: The Fall of Man

Okay. Let me start of by saying this...bwahahaha! No, seriously...there is nothing that isn't funny about this. First of all, it's a prequel (that I've never heard of) to a movie (that I've never heard of) made in 2007. It stars Bruce Boxleitner in yet another attempt to salvage what might be left of a rather long-dead career-like substance. Not only did he stoop low enough to be in this movie, but he dies within the first hour. Luckily, it's a heroic death.

Alright so, get this. Technological devices are transfor...er...transmorphing (I bet "transform" was copyrighted) into robots and killing people! Holy shit! Run for the hills! The toaster oven is trying to kill me! Yeah, seriously. And do you know where they came from? Yeah, you're right. The Roswell crash! Damn skippy! These transfor...er...morphing robots got all up in Earth's grill years ago and broke their ride, shattering it into pieces all over the place. Well, humans apparently got all of their current technological knowledge from that crash--toasters, TVs, everything! And, somehow, the pyramids factored into it all, but I kinda got bored with that and wandered out into traffic for a few minutes.

So, yeah, these pissed-off robots are spontaneously transfor...er...morphing and killing people! They're just killing them! Like, a cell phone changes into a little spider robot and shoots this chick in the head...while she's driving Like OMG! (stunted social commentary, anyone?) The only thing funnier would've been if the chick had been texting while driving. But anyway, I digress. So the robots invade and it seems to take only about an hour or less for them to quash all rebellion and take over the entire planet. Wow. Humans suck. I mean, couldn't we have focused on more useful technology from that stupid crash, instead of space-age vibrators and Xboxes? Waitwait...I didn't mean that. I love my Xbox.

A ragtag bunch of idiots bands together and vows to...um...well, do stuff. They end up destroying a building or something in the end...something about terraforming or whatnot. I dunno, the plot isn't important, because the fucking toaster is still trying to kill me!!! Of course, many many more transfor...er...morphers have landed on the planet, presumable from outer space, using strange vehicles that look like a d12 right out of D&D. So things look bleak, even though they destroyed some building in the end.

And, yeah, the movie makes about as much sense as all of that rambling. Seriously.

So here are your Drive-In Totals:

Captured cell phones: 2
Homicidal satellite dishes: 1
Completely brain dead mothers: 1
Chicks in too-short skirst: 0 (is there really such a thing as a skirt that's too short? Alright deliberate on that.)
Headshots: 2
Retarded, flying robots: 5. Actually, only one confirmed retard. The rest are just assumed
Supposed sexy, smart doctor chicks: 1 (as usual)

2 stars

Running, But Going Nowhere

2010-01-25T11:03:00.004-06:00

I hate treadmills. If it weren't for the lousy, cold weather I wouldn't have to use one. Instead, I pack up my gear, waste gas to go to the gym, and promptly fall in line with the other people who run on a machine that goes nowhere, staring straight ahead either at the TVs in front of them or out the window.

I prefer to run outside--I always have. And I've run in some pretty stupid conditions. We're talking snow, rain, and 10 degree weather. I did that because either I'm a) stubborn or b) not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I guess I feel that, if I'm going to be running, I should at least be going somewhere. Otherwise, I feel like a hamster running in their little wheel. But, unlike the hamster, I don't get to go to the bathroom while I exercise. They definitely live the good life!

So I really can't wait until the weather shapes up...say, sometime in Spring? Ugh.

Alright, onto other things...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Sea Snakes

An IMDB search on this film only turned up a page for a film called "The Impotent Sea Snake" and referenced a company that had produced a movie called "Sexcetera"...which may have actually been a better movie than the one I watched on Saturday. A more thorough scouring of the Internet revealed that the movie was actually called Silent Venom. But Syfy, exhibiting their usual wisdom, probably decided that nobody would understand the title? No idea.

Anyway, this movie starred Sideshow Luke Perry...yes, that Luke Perry (from 90210). How far the mighty have fallen. This isn't his first movie to appear on Syfy and, from the looks of it, it won't be his last. He probably should hire a new agent...or get an agent. This movie should really have been called "Snakes on a Sub...with Luke Perry Instead of Sam Jackson". On second thought, that's a horrible title. They should've just called it "Chomp!"

So, basically, these scientists are genetically altering snakes on a remote island, they need to be picked up, blah blah blah. Luke Perry is a disgraced navy dude who gets picked to head up the mission so he can retire honorably. He gets a skeleton crew and a very old submarine that used to be a museum...also, he gets A SHIT-TON OF SNAKES!!! RUN!!!

So they pick up the scientists who covertly transport the snakes onboard. Surprise! The snakes get out! And these snakes aren't interested in sitting around, watching movies, and having a tea party. No. No, these snakes are interested in...being snakes, which means a lot of slithering and biting. Also, they tend to growl, which I still don't quite understand. And the only person they seem to not want to bite is the supposed "sexy scientist chick"...but she does get bitten around the end of the movie.

So the crew, instead of being smart and just sealing off parts of the sub, wanders about aimlessly, looking for the snakes and much biting, chomping, eating, and poisoning ensues. Oh, and the snakes get to do some of that also. To make matters worse, the Chinese are performing "military manuevers" and keep harassing the sub. And poor Luke Perry...he's too old for this shit. No, seriously, he probably is. Though he still looks like he's 16. No, wait, he played a 16-year-old. Okay, so he still looks like he's 25, playing a 16-year-old.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Snakes: Supposed to be 20, I think. Looked more like the same five.
Submarines: 2 (if you count the Chinese sub we never saw)
CGI: Crappy, but used sparingly

...That's really it. There wasn't a whole lot of anything going on except some running, screaming, and poisoning.

2 stars.

That Raccoon Stole My Lambchop!

2010-01-12T20:27:00.003-06:00

I have officially entered into the arena of "the guy who doesn't understand technology." Let me 'splain.

See, for G's seventh birthday, we got her a Nintendo DSi. The deal was, she could have one of those parties that parents dread--a party at Chuck E. Cheese or Going Bonkers or whatnot--or she could have a really badass birthday gift. She chose the latter. Smart kid! She still gets a party, and it should be fun.

Anyway, the decision to get her a DS was a no-brainer. But I was quickly befuddled by the fact that there are essentially three models out there--The DS (being phased out), the DS Lite, and the DSi. The DSi is the newest, so I assumed it was the greatest. For most things, it is. But they got rid of the GBA slot so it can't do some things that its predecessor, the DS Lite can do. This flies in the face of everything I've ever learned about technology, but I went with it.

Anyway, I really had no idea which model to get her. I've never looked at DSes, nor have I ever really wanted one. I also really know nothing about the games themselves. So, really, it was as if I was shopping for a prom dress or tampons or a fine bottle of champagne from some year that was really good. I also now know what my grandparents must've thought when they bought me my first D&D stuff...or anyone who is buying me computer games as a gift.

Sure. Let me go shopping for a video card, processor, or Xbox game and I'm good. But, I guess, all that matters in the end is that G really enjoyed her gift.

Inundation Nation

2010-01-03T11:54:00.004-06:00

Dear...um...someone,

There is too much stuff around. Please eliminate three.

Let me put it this way. Lately, I've come to realize that there is just too much stuff out there to fit into a day, a week, or even a year. I get asked all the time "hey, did you see this?" or "check out this YouTube video!" or even "Did you see the latest episode of...?"

My answer, almost always, is "No, because I suck." But, honestly, I just either don't have the attention span or there are about a billion other things that I'd rather be doing. Sure, I watch some TV and visit YouTube etc., but I am fullyl aware that I don't have the time to do and see everything. The Internet has opened up so much...stuff that it eclipses all else. I have a stack of books I'd like to read, at least five videogames I'd like to play, and dozens of movies I'd like to watch. I don't focus much on TV unless it's a bad movie on Syfy or maybe "Lost". I get lots of long, verbose jokes through e-mail and forwarded video clips that I almost always delete. And, of course, there is family, which takes precedence over all else.

So, yeah. I've never seen more than five seconds total of "24", I don't have time to watch "The Guild" online, nor have I read the last two Robert Jordan books (the previous four kinda turned me off anyway). I'm still playing Fallout 3 and have a lot of episodes of "The Simpsons" to catch up on.

But, for some reason, I always have time for...

Syfy Saturday: Midnight Meat Train

With a name like "Midnight Meat Train", you'd probably expect very little plot and lots of "bow chicca bow bow", right? Well, remember, this is on Syfy. So, if anything, it would be "bow chicca bow bow" interrupted by an alien, a monster, or a supernatural killer.

Well, Midnight Meat Train features two of the four. See, there is this butcher guy with a Howie Long haircut who kills people on a train. Leon, a hapless photographer, follows him and finds out what's been going on. Then he gets his friend and girlfriend involved and gets everyone into a blood-spewing good time!

The movie itself is a little slow to get started. Then it gets going and, well, is still a little slow. Then some stuff is figured out and it's kinda cool, but then it ends in a very predictable, crappy fashion. And that's all I'm going to say. It was enjoyable, but the end disappointed me. Also, the characters were all dumb. Not your average, garden variety dumb, but more like the "how is it I am actually remembering to breathe?" dumb. The good news is, there aren't very many characters to begin with.

Here are you Drive-In Totals:
Gallons of blood spilled: About 120
Brains freed from prison: 2
Badass meat tenderizers: 1
Brooke Shields: 1 (yes, she's in this movie)
Bad cases of acne/herpes: 1
Eyeball popping
Decapitating
Meat tenderizer-fu
Skull-fu

3 1/2 stars

Boogety Blargh!

2009-12-22T09:15:00.002-06:00

I just wanted to take this small nook in the dark, dusty recesses of a far corner of the Internet to wish everyone a safe and happy Christmas. If you don't celebrate Christmas, then please have a safe and happy Friday. Take the time to tell your loved ones that you love them, and give them a hug. I would strongly advise against sending e-cards...those things suck. Please, there are much better ways to show the spirit of the season than a crappy e-card that takes 10 minutes to load and 30 seconds to view.

For instance, you could light a bag of poop on fire and set it on someone's doorstep. That is far less irritating than an e-card.

Also, you could simply kick the person in the head. It may be a little more painful, but it uses no bandwidth and it gets the point across loud and clear.

I'm not saying that those are good things to do, but they would certainly be more appreciated than an e-card.

In any case, take the time to be with family and enjoy their company!

Observations

2009-12-07T22:07:00.004-06:00

The Christmas season is upon us...well, most of us. For some, the Voodoo Day season is upon you, or maybe the season of "Hurray, it's Friday, December 25th...bugger off" is upon you. No matter what season it is, it's a season, okay? Just go with it.

Anyway, I have some observations to share with you, dear reader (yes, there is probably still one of you...maybe two)--observations of the Christmas season.

1. The song "Feliz Navidad" is possibly the worst Christmas song ever written. Seriously. It really has ony one set of lyrics that are repeated about five times. Sure, it's cool because part of it is in Spanish etc...but think about this: part of "Dora the Explorer" is in Spanish...are you going to tell me that Dora is cool? Well, okay...having a talking monkey as your best friend would be pretty cool...and there are some rather cool, trippy things that happen in her world...but that's beside the point. Anyway, "Feliz Navidad" is my least favorite Christmas song, followed closely by "Santa Baby".

2. The song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" has a line in it that says "there'll be scary ghost stories"...what kind of messed up Christmas is that?? "And Santa came down the chimney...and was devoured by hungry zombies!!! Dude, Halloween was almost two months ago. Even I have let it go. Scary ghost stories on Christmas? These people must really not care if their kids actually go to bed on Christmas Eve. Me? I'd much prefer my children to be sleeping happily. (As a side note, I think a story with both Santa and zombies would be made of pure awesome.)

3. There is such thing as eating too many cookies. This has nothing to do with Christmas. It's simply something I discovered tonight.

4. The Christmas season essentially started in July. Seriously. Ridiculous.

5. There is a local radio station that started playing all Christmas music a few days before Thanksgiving. A little early, but a great idea. Problem is, I am guaranteed to hear "Feliz Navidad" and "Santa Baby" at least once an hour. In actuality, the radio station only has about 15 songs in the rotation.

6. I miss believing in Santa Claus.

So Full of Turkey I Could Puke

2009-11-29T19:37:00.003-06:00

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. For those who don't celebrate the holiday, I hope you had a wonderful Thursday. I think we should have the world celebrate Thanksgiving and call it something like "Excuse to eat a lot of Turkey" Day or "So glad those lousy Pilgrims left" Day.

Much of today has been spent taunting the pets with this. I am probably the worst pilot ever. If you get into an aircraft and you see me at the controls, just walk away. Seriously, it's for the best. It's fun as hell, though. I've wrecked it into just about everything and it hasn't broken yet. There have been a few close calls with the daughters' heads, however.

Many things get better with age--cheese, wine, and really bad Syfy movies. I'm not sure that the same holds true for artificial Christmas trees, however. We have had such lousy luck with Christmas trees the past couple of years. We used to cut them down from a tree farm but all three farms around here are closed. The trees we get elsewhere usually die after a week and a half. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a brown, skeletal fire hazard!

So the in-laws gave us K's grandparents' old tree. I was told it is a pretty large tree, and that only the top portion was ever used. After I unpacked the box and got rid of the two nonfunctional wasp nests, I assembled the bugger. I'm not sure what building the great pyramids was like, but I reckon that putting together this tree competes in that arena. The beast is at least eight feet tall. I had to fluff out all of the branches because the tree had probably not been used in decades. I was really discouraged and dubious at first but, as it turns out, it's a pretty badass artificial tree. I can't imagine how much it cost back when it was bought.

And since we usually go for really odd-looking, screwball Christmas trees (when we have bought live ones), I mixed up some of the branch sizes so that it looks a bit awkward. No reason we can't still have a screwball tree, right?

I'd talk about the Syfy movie this week but, well, you know. It was "Robin Hood: Beyond Sherwood" and starred a dude from "Sanctuary". I didn't catch the whole thing so, as far as I can tell, it dealt with the Sheriff trying to piss everyone off by using a chick that turns into a dragon. Seriously. I crap you negative.

Run for the Hills!!

2009-11-15T19:55:00.003-06:00

Thoughts are swarming around in my brain and I am trying to determine which ones are the most interesting. I would hate to bore you...or myself, for that matter.

I am an avid videogame player. I love them. I have loved them since I started up my first Atari 2600 for the very first time and played...well, I don't know what the first game I played was. But I'm sure it looked almost exactly like all the other Atari 2600 games--like a brick vomited on my tv screen. Videogames are much better now than they used to be but, unfortunately, I have grown up. So I traded much better games for a lot less awe and wonderment. I suspect it was worth it but there is still that part of me that longs to recapture that feeling--much akin to Christmas morning as a child.

So where is this all leading? I guess, while awe and wonderment are mostly gone, there are still moments in videogames that I will remember forever, be they scary, intense, or funny. I finished up playing F.E.A.R. on Halloween morning and it was suitably creepy. There was, however, one part of the game that I will always remember, but probably not for the reason the developers intended. I had acquired a weapon that basically turned targets into piles of smoking dust. Quite unfortunate for them, I must say, but a fine weapon. So I blast some nameless dude from across the hallway and approach slowly. One of his fellow soldiers runs up, stands over him ("him" now being smoking ash) and says "Check in! Are you alright?" while looking down at his friend who is now Kool-Aid powder. I had to pause the game to laugh...a lot.

That's just one thought of many swirling around in my head. Here's another...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Ice Twisters!

What's worse than a pissed-off storm cloud throwing numerous tornadoes at you as you try to drive down a country road? How about tornadoes that can freeze you and disappear in a heartbeat!? Scared yet??? Yeah...me neither. In fact, I can imagine the Syfy writer monkeys locked in a room, smoking heavily, and trying desperately to come up with an idea that hasn't been done (by them) yet.

Guy #1: "Dude, how about a crocodile dinosaur? We'll call it...CROCKASAUR!"
Guy #2: "Been done...but maybe if he had bionics and shot lasers..."
Guy #3: "I've got it!! Pissed off storms that can freeze you solid!"
Guy in charge: "Go with that! It'll premier next week!"
Cash Register: "Cha-ching!"

This fine piece of cinema stars Mark Moses who, surprisingly, has been in a metric shit-ton of stuff. It also stars Camille Sullivan who, surprisingly, has also been in a lot of stuff...unsurprisingly, about half of it is on Syfy and USA...but a lot of stuff nonetheless. Moses plays a physics guru turned sci-fi writer ("Charlie") and Sullivan plays his ex-colleague/love interest ("Joanne"). The tornadoes were uncredited.

So Joanne and her cronies have been working on a government project using little flying machines ("seraphs") that create moisture from the air, then seed the clouds they created to make it rain. And it works! But it doesn't stop working...then things get worse. And the government refuses to shut it down because, duh, it's a weapon!!! And some people freeze and die in different ways. Of course the government's answer to finally shut it down is to...shoot explosives at the machines! Have we seen this before? Yes. Does it work? Never. Though the actual solution is about 500 times more implausible. Also, so was the CGI.

Oh, also, there are these two journalism students running around, trying to follow Charlie to document a day in his life. The chick always has to pee and the guy always whines. They get into lots of trouble, pee and whine some more, then repeat.

How I would summarize this movie: I looked at my watch numerous times and said "Jeez, there's still left to go in this movie??"

Here are you Drive-In Totals:
--Menacing, ice-laden killer tornadoes (with nefarious goatee): A dozen or so...maybe more. They all looked the same.
--Pissy computer nerds: 2
--Book agents we couldn't care less about: 1
--Dead book agents we couldn't care less about: 1
--Authors who are way too smart: 1
--Flying cows: 0 (watch "Twister" if you want to see this)
--Tornado-fu
--Car-fu
--Satellite-fu

2 stars

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

2009-11-09T09:28:00.004-06:00

Because he was dead. Duh.

I only relate that silly joke because a) for some reason, I still find it amusing and b) My body is sore...from climbing trees. Yes, you heard me. We attended a family reunion this weekend and I noticed there were kids trying to climb trees. It looked like large amounts of fun.

See, as an adult, there is no real reason to climb a tree. If I saw a grown adult in their front yard, climbing a tree, I'd probably think it was really odd...or they were trying to climb up to a high window to break into the house. It just doesn't seem right...yet, why shouldn't adults be able to do things like that?

So I did. I figured, if the kids were doing it, I could too. I should climb trees more often. I would make a promise to do so, but none of the trees in our yard are worthy of climbing. I could probably scale them to a certain degree, but there would be no branches on which to sit. The previous house in which I lived had a pretty decent tree out front that I would climb from time to time. I probably got really funny looks from the neighbors.

Not much else to say right now, so I'll leave you with my current favorite picture. It's from failblog.org.

Tidbits of Randomosity

2009-10-24T09:29:00.003-05:00

If it's one thing I have learned from TV and movies (I start off a lot of sentences like that) it's this: if me and a lot of other people are in danger of complete annihilation...I'm going to get some.

That's right. Meteor heading for Earth? I'm getting lucky. Aliens destroying the planet? Hop into bed! I'm on a starship and it's headed for a collision course with the sun? C'mere, baby. I'm not being lewd or sexist or anything. I don't think I'm particularly attractive. But, seriously, this is how it works, right?

But here's what I don't. People in these situations see that their doom is imminent and they are drawn together as if by powerful magnets, super glue, or two dalmations that get their leashes tangled up in the park. They get that twinkle in their eyes, disrobe, and go at it. But, seriously...that's quite a lot of stress. THEY ARE ABOUT TO DIE! I'm pretty sure if I was in that same situation, there'd be no action going on. I'd be all like "wow, she's hot...and getting naked...and, oh yeah, there's a 500 megaton nuclear device pointed at me, ready to turn me into Malt-O-Meal." Any inclination to disrobe and go at it like a rabbit would most likely melt away like honesty in a newly-elected politician. So...yeah.

So we're just a week away from Halloween! G decided that today was "Vampire Walk Saturday". I wasn't really sure how vampires typically walk, so we're pretty much walking however we want. We've already produced some silly mayhem.

From the feel of it, Halloween is going to be cold...and possibly (quite possibly) rather wet. It tends to rain on Halloween more often than not, so I'm used to it. It's rather humorous, actually. The rain has contributed to what is quite possibly the most beautiful Autumn ever. The trees are showing wonderful colors, even if the leaves are dropping off rapidly. All I can say is that it sure beats 75-80 degrees, which has happened in the past. Nothing like going out for trick-or-treating and being too warm! Put on the sunscreen, kiddies!

My body can't decide if I'm getting sick or not. I keep getting the slightly uncomfortable aches in my joints, and I'm rather tired. I seem to be running a little hot, too (no real fever, but I feel warm). I guess I don't mind getting sick...no, wait, I hate getting sick. But I just ask my body to hold out until after my favorite holiday. Hmmm? Do me a solid, k?

I've been playing through a rather old videogame called F.E.A.R. I picked it up used for $20. Every October I like to play scary videogames in the dark. Is that weird? Don't judge me, jerkface! :D Anyway, the game is very well-done. It's not got a particularly engaging plot and there aren't really any scary monsters to fight, but the atmosphere, music, environment, and characters are all very creepy. And I swear that little girls with long hair who stand and stare at you (and appear out of nowhere randomly) might be the creepiest things in existence. I am convinced, if a country wanted to take over the world, all they'd have to do is send an army of creepy little girls into battle. I'd pee myself. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

The Day The Heater Died

2009-10-13T11:02:00.003-05:00

It's necessary for life on Earth. We all use it. And, yet, it can singlehandedly destroy things quicker than almost anything else. Water really pisses me off sometimes.

Yesterday, I found a rather large (not deep) pool of water in the storage area. K's first query was if her books were okay, while my first query was whether we had a foundation problem. So while I scrambled to clean up the water (mopping it towards the drain), I also scrambled to find the source. It appeared to be coming from a corner but I could find no moisture on the wall, nor any cracks. I finally found a steady stream of water coming from the bottom of the water heater. This both relieved and troubled me.

I was grateful we didn't have foundation problems but not so jazzed about having to shut off the water heater and replace it--especially not knowing how long it would take to get a new one installed (nevermind the money that would have to be spent).

Luckily, one is being installed this evening. What surprised me, however, was the fact that delivery/install costs more than the stupid water heater itself. Seriously. That tells me that either a) installation is exhorbitant or b) I am a cheapass when it comes to buy water heaters. If I had to guess, I'd guess that both are true.

So we'll get the thing installed tonight, have hot water, and be happy. We'll have to figure out a little later how we're actually going to pay for the beast.

Ugh.

Guess I Should've Kept the Other One.

2009-10-05T10:17:00.005-05:00

Had a wonderful weekend. Saturday was the annual "carnival" at G's school, so G and I were in attendance. It's a fundraiser and, basically, a shameless money sinkhole. But since I don't volunteer for anything at her school and we didn't even try to sell the coupon books to anyone, I don't feel bad basically donating money to the school.

Essentially, you pay for mostly everything. You buy a wristband for your child to play games, you buy concessions, and you buy lunch. I guess you don't have to buy any of these things but, then, it wouldn't be a whole lot of fun now would it? As it is, the games they have laid out are pretty simplistic and the prizes are stuff donated that someone didn't want or had way too many of (and most are promotional materials from local businesses anyway).

I make it sound like a ripoff and, well, it is. but G had fun and we got to spend time together--just us. The weather was very Autumn-like which was also nice. So we had a good time together, doing something other than playing "Dora The Explorer" Candyland. :D

I'm currently awaiting a replacement iPhone. Those of you familiar with this wonderful (yes, I still love it) little device know that it has only one real button. The button is simplistic, labeled with a square. You'd think that, having only one button, Apple would be able to actually build that button correctly. I mean, seriously, it's a button. Mankind has been making buttons on electronics since some guy made the first button on electronics! I don't know how long that is, but I'm sure it's been quite a while.

Anyway, I called it in to Apple and they are overnighting me another phone. I'm paying $30 for it, though. I am currently waiting to get a FedEx tracking number so that I can change the receiving address for it. I'd rather send it to work and assure that someone will be around to pick it up. I will then put it through rigorous button-testing for quality assurance.

Syfy Saturday Presents: Wrong Turn 2: Dead End
What do you get when you combine Henry Rollins, Kimberly Caldwell, some reality show contestants, and a bunch of inbred yokels? Blood, guts, gore, and death, of course! You also get a rather enjoyable attempt at a horror movie. I think I've become desensitized to movies like this. I generally end up laughing instead of being all freaked out.

So Henry Rollins is supposed to be the host of a reality show about surviving in the wilderness. The contestants are a mixed bag (aka the usual)--the slut, the city girl, the joking and perverted guy (a skater in this iteration), the token black guy, the vegan, and the lesbian army chick...oh yeah, and the former American Idol contestant (Kimberly Caldwell).

The movie itself was fun--not really because of the movie itself, but because K and I really had a tough time picking who would survive. Kimberly Caldwell got off'd in the first five minutes which was probably a bid to save her from the bad movie.

The inbred mutant people lay into almost everyone in many grandiose ways involving pointy, sharp objects. While I wasn't freaked out by any of this. What did freak me out, however, were the kissing scenes between the mutant family members. Blech! It was like watching Liza Minelli and Bea Arthur (yes, the corpse) suck face. Nasty, nasty stuff.

Anyway, a rather entertaining movie. I totally wouldn't pay to see it in a theater, but sitting in my house watching it was a-ok.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Gallons of blood used: 85
Circumference of Henry Rollins neck: 32 inches
Really stupid decisions: Lost count
Blow Jobs: 1 (yes...I'm telling the truth)
Knife-fu
Arrow-fu
Exploding arrow-fu
Head-rolling
Upside-down lesbian-douchebag death embrace

3 stars

Run, Forrest, Run!

2009-09-27T09:14:00.002-05:00

It was 7:00. The sun was nowhere to be found, obscured by an angry, cloudy sky that poured down rain upon everyone in a torrent of cold liquid. It was also rather chilly--not the ideal conditions for a half-marathon, but it was a little late to be thinking about that.

The rain continued off and on for about an hour. Sometimes it really hammered us. Luckily I was beneath a canopy of trees for much of the heaviest stuff. I didn't really care much about the rain--it kept me cool--but I didn't want my iPhone to be destroyed. Luckily, it survived.

There were five spots throughout the race where live bands were playing (beneath shelters or tents, of course). I thought that was a really nice addition. And they were all quite good! But I couldn't stick around to listen for very long.

Now, I'm not sure who came up with this course, but I seriously think they need to be shot...about 50 times. It started out easy enough. Then I got to the first hill. It quickly came to be known as "Holy Crap Hill". It was steep and it was long. But the worst was over, right?

Wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong if it was the wrongest day of the wrongest month and I had an automatic wronging machine. I came upon the next hill quickly and dubbed it "You've Got to be Kidding Hill". Then came "WTF Hill". I lost count of just how many hills there were, but I know there was one more after that, and I called it "Somebody Shoot Me Hill". Seriously. These hills were insane. I've never seen a course with so many killer hills. 635 people ran the half-marathon. I'm pretty sure 400 of them perished along the way.

But I finished. I finished with a time of 1:54:09--about 3 minutes better than last year (and on a harder course to boot!). I placed 135th out of those 635 people. I was disappointed not to get a medal when I finished. I got a pint glass instead--an empty pint glass, no less!

K ran the 10K and finished in 1:15, which was 15 minutes off her normal time! Totally, 100% win!

I didn't watch SyFy's lame "Children of the Corn" remake last night. I had better things to do like sleep.

Have I got a long way to run

Put This In Your Pipe...

2009-09-20T19:49:00.003-05:00

Dear InBev,

There is no gentle way to say this, so I'll just say it. Your Bud Light "Jimmy Football" ads suck. Okay okay, I know that the term "suck" is really not constructive criticism. Sorry, I got carried away there. I'll try to be more descriptive...

Your "Jimmy Football" ads inhale briskly. They inhale briskly more than most any ads I've ever seen. They're so bad that they have probably inhaled briskly around many other, much better ads. Your ads sit in a bathroom stall just waiting to inhale briskly when another advertisement walks in to take a pee. Seriously. You used to have such imaginative, funny ads. What genius came up with this ad campaign? You should find them, flog them, give them a swirlie, hang them, then draw and quarter them. Oh, and burn their body parts when you're done. At the very least, fire their ass.

And you know that garbage you feature in these ads--the "grooler" and the "foozie"? Yeah, those. You actually think anyone's going to want to buy any of that schlock? Yes, I'm aware that you are indeed actually selling those things. And they're about as worthwhile as Kanye West turds...which are pretty much worth the same as Kanye West himself. Coincidentally, he also inhales briskly.

In conclusion...ditch the ad campaign now. Hell, go back to the "ability to speak with animals" and the dog that shouts "sausages" over and over again. I still find that one hilarious.

In other news...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Open Graves.
Eliza Dushku stars in this latest effort from the Syfy network. I have one question...what the hell was she thinking? Maybe she didn't think Dollhouse was going to last another season (and it almost didn't) or she was just bored or whatnot but...wow. She probably could have made a better decision. But we'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was drunk at the time...and high...and half-asleep...and tied up at gunpoint, forced to make this movie...and...well, you get the idea.

So a group of surfers stumbles across a game that looks innocuous enough but, much like that tiki idol from the Brady Bunch Goes to Hawaii, it holds a sinister secret--something so dark that the world could end if it was ever discovered. Yes, that's right...the game has several late movies to return to the video store! Oh, and it also kills someone every time it's played. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah, that too. But did I mention that it comes with a free frogurt?? Eh?? Pretty sweet, right? Also, if you win the game, you get to make one wish and it comes true.

So, of course, the slackers play the game...then start dying. Some of them die in very "Final Destination"ish ways while others just die in stupid ones. Then there's this creepy cop who has basically turned bad. He wants the game to bring back his dead brother...or bring back the New Coke. I forget which. Mind you, I fiddled on Facebook with my iPhone for a few minutes, so I may have missed the details.

Anyway, lots of stupid surfer kids die, one guy finally wins the game and, as K called the shot, wishes "it was a week ago and we hadn't played this game!" Well, duh...his wish comes true and the movie starts over. Tasty pick, bonehead.

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Death by snakes: 1
Death by surfing: 1
Death by car: 1
Death by gunshot: 1
Death by lots of other ways when I wasn't paying attention: Lots

Watch his every move

If I Had a Random...

2009-09-19T08:20:00.003-05:00

Not only is today International Talk Like a Pirate Day, but today also appears to be Crabwalk Saturday!! Well, it is at our house. I came up with the idea--probably as a way to avoid a child explosion, --and now it has stuck. So, today, we're walking around like crabs for no apparent reason. Closely related to Monkay Walk Saturday (which we have yet to enact), it is kind of a funny idea. But, man, it taks forever to get anywhere in the house!!

I kinda think I want to see Zombieland. I have but one hangup. Well, two hangups. First, the price of movies...damn! I still haven't paid off the loan I took out to see "Up!" (which I thoroughly enjoyed, btw). Also, the movie has Woody Harrelson in it. There really aren't many actors that drive my decision to see a movie or not. Very few indeed. But something in my brain is triggered whenever I see or hear about Woody Harrelson. It's almost as if I was secretly imprisoned in a laboratory somewhere and conditioned to not like the guy. I'm not sure if it was the movie Natural Born Killers that did it to me or not. Whatever did it to me, it happened, and I am destined to not like the guy. Anyway, the movie looks entertaining. The suck factor is high but I'm willing to take a chance on it.

Juliette Lewis (also in Natural Born Killers) also repulsed me.

I bought a used copy of F.E.A.R. for the 360. When Halloween comes around, I enjoy finding a suitably creepy game, turning off all the lights, and playing it in solitude. It's been a long time since I found a decent scary game that I could afford. Viva la used games!!

Today is the last weekend of summer! This year, I can't really complain about summer much. There was plenty of rain and the temperatures were relatively cool. It was a little tough trying to make it to the pool, so the girls were probably a bit disappointed, but I rarely had to cut the grass and, when I did so, I didn't sweat like Homer Simpson chasing a donut. But now it's time to usher in Autumn. We've already got football and even falling leaves. Now we just need the Autumn temperatures (though it's only getting up to 78 or so currently).

Next weekend is the half-marathon. Both K and I are really stoked! Exercise is always much easier for me when I've got something to work for. Since the beginning of summer, I have knocked a little over a minute off of my speed per mile! Sure, I probably could have done better but I am not really trying to win this race. I'd prefer simply to finish without having to crawl across the finish line. I average around 7:50 per mile now and I can do even better when the temperature is around 60-65 degrees.

Yeah you leave, you're gone

Let's Do This

2009-09-13T10:04:00.003-05:00

So I got a bug up my butt. No, it's not a hygiene issue, but I can definitely understand what brought you to that conclusion. A while back, I promised myself that I would write a story specifically with publishing in mind. I set a deadline and I met that deadline.

But I failed to take into account the most painstaking part of writing--the editing. If writing is like letting creativity flow freely from my brain to create a wonderful work of art, editing is like taking that creativity and curbstomping it...then lighting it on fire, laughing at it and, finally, pouring sugar in its gas tank.

But I finally bit the bullet and did some editing. I don't feel it really needed all that much, so I got off lucky. But I also feel really good because, now, I can hopefully try to get it published. We'll see what comes of it.

I'm getting the urge to write again. I had a good story idea pop into my head during one of my runs. Hopefully I'll get to that soon, and it'll be as good as I think it will be.

In two weeks I am running a half-marathon. I ran it last year without much training and while I was on the tail end of a cold. I feel I am much better prepared this year and I'm really jazzed about it. I doubt I would work so hard to stay in shape if I didn't have something to work toward. Well, maybe if someone dangled a plate of Hot Wings in front of me and made me run towards it...yeah, that would definitely get me running. But once I finally caught up, I'd probably beat the person who taunted me. That would also be good exercise.

I didn't watch the Syfy movie this week--it was something about living lightning...looked suitably bad. Instead I listened to my beloved Mizzou Tigers almost lose to the Bowling Green Somethingorothers. The Tigers won, mind you...but it was not a stellar performance. The game was kind of like two dudes falling off a building...and one grabs the other to use as a cushion. Not pretty. Not pretty at all, I assure you.

Then we smashed our shit

Your Ad Here

2009-08-30T15:11:00.003-05:00

August is normally my least favorite month of the year. But if August was always like it has been this year, I might actually learn to like it! The weather has been fantastic! Whereas August is usually the equivalent of getting kicked in the crotch while being set on fire at the same time as having a colonoscopy, this year it has been much like having sex on a rollercoaster followed by...ice cream!

Oh, and the ice cream has sprinkles on it.

It looks as though the garden this year was not total, epic fail. With the cool, rainy weather we've had this summer, it's been tough to get anything except the grass to grow. But the garden persevered, pro ducing tomatoes and jalapenos! Of course, everything else refused to do anything. Also, the tomatoes are all relatively small, but the jalapenos are pretty decent-sized. The verdict is still out on the garlic as it has yet to fully mature. But if I yell at it enough and threaten it, perhaps it will bend to my will. That's how it works, right?

And, last night, I watched the best movie...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!!
Okay. So I have this movie for you...you're totally gonna want to see it. It's got...get this...a giant shark in it! What? That's not enough? You say you want two giant creatures in a movie? Well, you're in luck. It also has a giant freaking octopus in it. That's two for one, man! I'm offering you the deal of a lifetime! But wait...if you watch now, I'll also throw in Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson! Seriously, YOU CAN'T RESIST!! Hypnotoad commands you!

So, yeah...Deborah Gibson plays some kind of scientist (insert laughter here) and she gets a front-row seat as a giant shark and octopus are released from their icy prisons. The shark and octopus were apparently locked in mortal combat when, BOOM, they were somehow frozen fast enough to catch them in the middle of their fracas. So now they've thawed out (3 minutes in the microwave on power level 5) and...instead of continuing their fight, they go their separate ways, taking out their prehistoric angst on humanity. My guess is that they made a bet--see who could cause the most destruction before humanity finally figured out a way to stop them. Either way, they totally have a huge party on Earth, drink all the booze, then trash the place.

So Deborah Gibson, some Irish dude who used to be her professor, and a Japanese dude are all kidnapped by Lorenzo Lamas and ordered to, like, tell the monsters to stop and stuff. Having nothing better to do, Gibson and the Japanese guy jump each others' bones in the broom closet and then figure out a solution. I think they'd known each other maybe 24 hours, but sex is always the answer in movies! (thumbs up!)

But their idea fails miserably. Meanwhile, the shark and octopus are doing cool stuff like leaping out of the water and eating airplanes, chewing on the Golden Gate Bridge, and swatting down fighter jets. But before they have a chance to destroy the Chrysler Building (which seems to happen in every US-based monster movie), humanity figures out another plan--get them to fight each other!

So then there's a giant game of "Rock/Paper/Scissors" or, rather "Tooth/Tentacle/Submarine" and it is on!! Now, honestly, I don't see how a shark could outmatch an octopus...one has no arms, the other has eight of them. But somehow, yes, they manage to kill each other at exactly the same time!! Very convenient! Humanity wins! Good thing those two hopped in the sack while barely knowing each other! They saved everyone!

This movie was the perfect "so bad it's awesome" movie. My only complaint is that they used the same shark footage over and over again and, well, I wanted more destruction. A five-minute montage of the shark and octopus wreaking havoc would have been awesome. Especially if it had been set to "Yakkity Sax"

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Doomed planes: 2
Pissed-off commuters: Several thousand
Unnecessary sex scenes: None--we all know that every sex scene is necessary
Hair grease: Way too much on Lamas' head
Plane-chomping
Sub-chomping
Tentacle-fu
Submarine-fu

5 stars

They'd said it was safe, they lied

Welcome to the New School Year

2009-08-25T14:35:00.009-05:00

Monday was G's first day of 1st grade, and today was T's first day of Kindergarten. Both girls have been bubbly, hyper, and very excited. I'm happy to say that both girls have immensely enjoyed their first days of school. From what I hear, T didn't want to come home. She gave Mom the evil eye for about an hour afterwards. I am overjoyed that the first days went so well. I could tell that everyone in the house was ready for school to start since K and I wanted to pull our hair out, and the kids were nuts for about two weeks.

How interesting. The ice cream truck just pulled up and my employer is paying for ice cream.

Anyway, here are pics of the girls on their first days. Yes, they picked out their outfits together.

And sing along to the age of paranoia

The Cow Says...

2009-08-23T10:54:00.004-05:00

On Friday, K spontaneously suggested that we go to the zoo on Saturday...kind of a "last huzzah" before both kids go to school. So off we went yesterday. We went early so that we could go through the childrens' area for free. Turns out that we found free parking as well. And since the zoo itself is free, we were already ahead of the game! Basically, this just meant we could spend more money on other things throughout the day.

Tremendous fun was had by all. But, more importantly, I noticed a few things about the zoo that struck me, and I shall share them with you, the lucky lucky reader of my drivel.

1. Wearing high heels to the zoo is pointless. Seriously. You're not doing yourself any favors, and I doubt you're going to find a date at the zoo, if that's your intent. I guess one of the lions might be looking for some action, but they don't really care about footwear.

2. I've come to the realization that you could make a game show category called "Zoo Animal Sound or Random Baby Sound?" The two sounds are almost indistinguishable at times.

3. If you are a giant-ass ostrich, and you try to eat a 1-foot-long feather but end up choking on it, do not try to eat the same feather (and continue to choke on it) for the next 15 minutes. That is why you are in the cage and we are watching and laughing at you.

4. Stingrays feel like wet pancakes.

5. Seeing seeing animals that are actually, officially called "Someli Asses" is just awesome. If you say "Someli" fast enough, it's even funnier.

6. People who try to feed napkins to giraffes should probably be contained in zoo cages labeled "complete morons".

And now I must steel myself for a nice, long run around the park. I was out of town and didn't watch whatever Syfy had to offer this week, but you can bet your Someli Ass that I will be watching next week. Syfy has promised to offer up "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus"!! I am in no way missing that.

that's nobody's business but the Turks

It's International Fail Day!!

2009-08-21T16:08:00.004-05:00

It is! "What??" you ask? You mean to tell me you didn't know it was International Fail Day? Honestly, neither did I! Although, to be perfectly clear, I think it only applies to me. So you can stop worrying, breathe a sigh of relief, and just be happy you're not me.

Oddly, I've quickly grown accustomed to being very productive at work--getting a lot accomplished, and feeling happy that I've done so. Sure, there have been days less productive than others, but I always get something useful done.

Today is much different. I've not actually fixed any problems, nor have I really accomplished anything. I worked on a couple of problems, to no avail, and I tried to construct a conference room PC, but I can't even get that done properly. So, I mean, I guess I've worked on some things, but nothing actually got accomplished.

This irritates me.

It feels like I could have just stayed home and watched TV all day and still gotten the same amount of work done. That activity may have been a bit more monotonous, but at least it wouldn't be quite so disappointing. I mean, when you watch TV all day, you expect to get nothing done. What irritates me more is that, while the weekend is quickly approaching, I'm constantly going to be frustrated until I get back into the office on Monday and actually do something.

Grrrrr.

By the hands of doom

What to Blog About

2009-08-20T11:12:00.005-05:00

So, with the new job comes less time. I knew this would be the case, but the tradeoff is more than worth it. This job is the polar opposite of my last job. Instead of coming in and doing a wee bit of work and spending the rest of the time pissing around, I find myself working most of the day with very little time to collect my thoughts. This really is a first. Even when I worked front-line phone support for Datastorm, I had plenty of time to relax, since most calls were handled quickly and easily. Those callers who had serious problems tended to ramble, and I was good at doing multiple things at once.

Now I find myself being so busy during the day that I feel starved for creative thought. But when I get home, I don't want to spend the time and energy on creative outlets. I like to spend time with my family and then, later at night, simply "turn off". I am guessing I'll find the balance at some point, but there is this urgent need to touch up a particular piece of writing and try to get it submitted. Unfortunately, I loathe editing, and I would have to actually edit two different documents--one in word, and one online. It's a pain.

The awesome summer weather we have been having has, unfortunately, been not-so-awesome to my garden. It has been a cool, wet summer. It's most certainly not pool weather. I can't complain, however, because I'm not a huge fan of summer, and the current weather patterns please me to no end. But they do not please the vegetables. The vegetables are displeased. The vegetables of spoken!

I should come out of it all with plenty of jalapenos. That's about it. There are a butt-ton of tomatoes on the vines, but none of them are growing very large, nor are they ripening. The couple of bell pepper plants that survived are just now producing, but the peppers are, thus far, quite small. The one brussels sprout plant that currently lives is going apeshit, but not producing anything but leaves. The only plant that seems to have absolutely no problem with the current conditions is the garlic. It likes wet, cool conditions, being a bulb. We'll see if it actually comes through.

I'm getting an itch. My current gaming rig is almost five years old and, while it still operates very swiftly (I build them to last), it is beginning to fall behind my baseline for adequate gaming capacity. I definitely got my money's worth out of it, and it's still a really nice PC. But, again, it's five years old. So I'm starting the search for new computer parts. Many of them can be purchased piecemeal--the case and power supply, for example. I have an extra, pretty good sound card as well. So if I do as I did last time, and purchase one component every so often, then it will hurt less when I need to buy the crucial components. I'm literally salivating at what's out there, though, because I'm still running off a single-core AMD 2.0 GHz running SATA1 hard drives!

They came from the north, and they came from the south

Ha, I Forgot the Title

2009-08-17T11:13:00.007-05:00

At this moment, there seems to be a plethora of tiny things going on, but nothing horribly major. I feel like the fleas of life are all biting at me, demanding my attention. We're preparing for G's return to school, and T's first year of preschool. And, believe me, we're all ready for it. I imagine us all as rabid dogs, waiting to leap upon a piece of raw meat labeled "school." Yes, I definitely think we are all ready for school to start up again. Work has been incredibly busy for me, and probably will keep up the same pace for a while, yet.

GenCon has come and gone. I was trying to be on the "every other year" plan but decided not to attend this year either. Hopefully next year! Some friends and I got together and did some RPG gaming to try to make up for missing the convention. It wasn't as good as actually being there, but it was fun as hell. My St. Louis group of friends is vastly different from any of the friends I have in town. When it comes to gaming, I tend toward the St. Louis group mindset. We don't take games too seriously--we joke and laugh, but we also really get into the games. We don't generally care who wins, either. As a result, we have a phenomenal time, no matter what we're playing. A good time was had by all!

We played some 4e D&D. This was my first experience playing 4e. I'm a staunch 3.5 supporter. Sure, it has its problems, but they've never been very big. So 4e...it's fun. It's not D&D, though. It's a boardgame made from a videogame. It just felt...foreign, somehow. It was like I was eating something I was told was a Hot Wing, but it was really a Hot Wing-flavored cat turd. Maybe not a turd...maybe a piece of celery instead. Anyway, the game itself was much more fun than the system. It was titled "That's so Ravenloft".

And we also played Trail of Cthulhu. Cthulhu is always fun to play, since it's more "roleplaying" and very little "rollplaying". And this session didn't disappoint. In fact, it went way beyond expectations with some special tie-in's to [message redacted to eliminate spoilers]. Fanfreakingtastic. It kept the mood perfectly and had all of the players rivited. Total awesome.

Some people hate Mondays. I've always known that Sundays were possibly my least favorite day of the week. I'm not really sure why. I tend to be a bit cranky on Sundays. I think, traditionally, it is because they're always seemed a bit boring. These days, however, they tend to be the most turbulent day of the week. See, we never really know how G is going to behave. Sometimes she's perfectly good. Sometimes she's very difficult. But, most of the time, she's both. So Sundays can be just all around unpleasant. I guess, at least, there's football. :D

I din't watch no SyFy movie this week because I was all up in the gaming, yo. But I'm sure the movie was top-knotch...seriously.

Those barricades can only hold for so long

Football, Huzzah!

2009-08-09T09:28:00.005-05:00

Today is the Hall of Fame Game. It's the first NFL game of the season. Sure, it's preseason, so it really can't be considered real football by any stretch of the imagination. More often than not, it's a bunch of scrubs bouncing around like BB's in a bathtub, dropping the ball and getting decapitated, but it's football!! The drought is over, the pads are on, and the season will start soon enough.

So I finally bit the bullet...I jumped on the bandwagon yesterday and started a Facebook page. I'm still not really sure why I did this. Mostly, I think, it was to make suSo.re I can keep in touch with the billions of friends that have Facebook and post updates that way. I'm not that much of a social networking person but, hopefully, this will allow me to keep in the loop better. I don't plan on updating a whole lot or on a regular basis. I generally tend to have better things to do, like watching grass grow or watching paint dry.

Not much else to say, so we move on...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Infestation
So...giant bugs. It's tough to go wrong with giant bugs. Well, I guess if you were to make a movie about giant ladybugs, it would fail. But, otherwise, WIN!

The movie stars nobody you would have heard of, but in this case, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It centers around Cooper, an office geek who has the social skills of a retarded hamster. Basically, it's a completely normal day until there is an ear-piercing shriek, and Cooper later wakes up to find everyone has been put to sleep and cocooned. He spends some time rescuing people as well as watching some people get munched by bugs, and the party really gets going.

The characters themselves are awesome. You've got the mute, supposedly mentally slow guy, the cold, supposedly unfeeling love interest, the military father, the batshit insane weathergirl, and many more! Act now and we'll throw in a free giant bug! Though I really still have questions as to why the weathergirl was crazy...maybe she just snapped because of all that was going on? But that was really the only hangup I had.

The movie was totally enjoyable--cheesy, retarded, and full of giant bug goodness. It ranks up there as one of my all-time favorites.

So here are the Drive-In Totals:
Crazy weathergirls: 1
Human-hybrid bugs: 4
Dog-hybrid bugs: 1
Naked boobs: 2
Bug claw-fu
Truck-fu
Bug juice
People juice

5 stars

They could care less

Warped. Definitely Warped

2009-08-04T21:02:00.006-05:00

Below is a perfect example of what I find absolutely hilarious. No, I definitely didn't come up with it or take the picture. But a picture like this is something that keeps me laughing all freaking day! Sometimes into the night...usually those times, I end up laughing in bed with the lights off, an irritated (or slightly amused) wife next to me.
Again, I had nothing to do with this picture. And I would have just linked to it if it would've worked, but it didn't, so I didn't link to it. So, nya.

I'm not going to rant about how much I a) loathe August, b) love football and c) look forward to my favorite holiday, Halloween. I feel like I already do this way too much. I'm sick, yes. But I also enjoy watching little previews of upcoming TV shows, and betting on which ones will be canceled!

So onto...

SyFy Pictures Presents...er...um...yeah, we were out of town this week so nobody watched it. But wait, I'll give you my version of it! Here's what probably happened...

Two hapless people are wandering around, they unearth a hideous, ancient evil that runs amock. The military can't stop it because bullets are useless. It turns out, the least likely reject in the nearest town either a) has the power to stop it somehow or b) has found the one object that stops it. Either way, the military will probably throw lots of bombs at it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Feel the calling of a miracle

Totally Randomatic

2009-07-26T20:14:00.004-05:00

Here is one of my least favorite commercials.

Here is one of my favorite commercials.

One has a horrid song. The other has a talking dog. Yeah, I'm shallow. Suck it. But that song...it's just so...suck. Actually, I've heard the original and ther commercial makers must have butchered it because, while it still sucks donkey nuts, it sounds a bit better on its own.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. You know, because it was on my mind and stuff. Honestly, that's about all that's on my mind. I can't seem to must a worthwhile thought at the moment.

Except that I think that my Guitar Hero controller is going bad...again. Ugh.

So we'll continue with...

SyFy Saturday Presents: Malibu Shark Attack

I don't really know where to begin with this one. It stars no one and was probably written and directed by no one. Think "Baywatch colliding with a train carrying sewage and dead hookers." It's a conundrum because I'm not sure which part of that is the worst--the Baywatch part, the sewage part, or the dead hookers part...but it's probably Baywatch. Seriously, my dogs have dug up cooler things in the backyard.

We've seen it before--one or more sharks terrorize a beach filled with retarded but tasty humans. Sharks attack, sharks eat, then the humans fight back somehow and the poor sharks are decimated. Then all is well in beachland again. Is this one of those movies? Well, it's on SyFy; you take a guess. But if you're not sure, then the answer is "Yes". Except that SyFy adds an underwater earthquake, a tsunami, and supersharks. What more could any one person want?

So there's this underwater earthquake, right? And it's all "rumble rumble...rumble rumble." And this underwater earthquake produces a tsunami that's all like "I'm gonna flood the beach, yo!" And the earthquake is all spitting supersharks out of the ocean and the supersharks are all like "I'm hungry, dude. There's a beach ahead, so you know what that means, right? Smorgasboard!!"

So, yeah...the earthquake produces a tsunami which floods the California coast, allowing the sharks to go apeshit all over the place. So you would think this might mean sharks are swimming around downtown, shopping at boutiques, cruising the streets, and eating at cafes. Nope. They stick to the coast. The reason? Read further.

In theory, this doesn't sound like a bad idea, and it's not, actually. But it's implemented with all the skill and precision of a feral monkey trying to perform a colonoscopy with a bowling ball.

Why do the sharks stick to the coast? Well, the food is easy to obtain when every character in the movie couldn't poor piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel! Literally, half the cast essentially threw themselves at the sharks. "Wait! They won't expect us to just jump in their mouths! It'll confuse them!" One chick was all "we need to preserve these sharks! They're supposed to be extinct!!" Guess who's the first main character to die? Bingo...the bimbo!

Normally, movies like this start out promising and then eventually derail and spiral down the proverbial toilet and into the septic tank where they are left to rot until they're picked up by the SyFy network...except this one started there!!

Stupid lifeguards and victims aside, there are plenty of other problems, like the fact that it takes approximately 10 freaking minutes for a chainsaw to cut through a shark. I should also mention the fact that, in a building that is currently under construction, there are apparently no stairs at all! Maybe it's some new age project where, to get to a different floor, you have to think yourself there. If that's the case, none of these people could have thought themselves out of the bloody bathroom to begin with.

Also, the so-called "tsunami" looked to be about three feet high and made of crappy CGI--like some intern sneezed and accidentally hit some random keys on the computer and said "Look! I made this!" Also, it miraculously flooded the coast with about 30 feet of water, but didn't engulf or destroy any buildings...not even a sand castle!

We may as well get to the Drive-in Totals:
Dismembered limbs: 2
Really bad ideas: I lost count
Poorly stocked emergency supplies: 1
Indestructable lifeguard towers: 1
Really stupid people: The whole cast...except the sharks. They were pretty bright, rivalling the intelligence of your average chatroom user
Flaregun-fu
Gas-powered circular saw-fu
Blood-spurting
Bonechewing

2 stars. Mostly because, while I expected it to be bad, I expected it to be at least entertaining in a comedic way, and it wasn't even that. Fail.

Lead me on into the door

One Crazy Night

2009-07-23T08:58:00.003-05:00

I take it for granted every night. And I never notice anything until the out of the ordinary happens. Just like you don't really feel thankful you have both feet until suddenly a train runs them over, causing you to lament the fact that you lost a game of "Chicken" with an inanimate object.

Normally, I go to sleep and maybe wake up once or twice during the night but quickly fall back asleep. Then I wake up in the morning, wishing I had about five more hours to sleep. Once I find out how to incorporate sleep into my job, I'm totally there. But I digress.

Last night was just plain batshit weird. T woke up last night, wide awake, for about an hour. She went to the bathroom (some of which I had to clean up) and wanted a drink. But then she stayed awake for a while longer. She is normally a very good sleeper--out like a light five minutes after we put her down and doesn't wake up until the morning.

G fell out of bed--something she hasn't done for years. T fell out of bed a couple of weeks ago...also something she doesn't normally do. Nevertheless, it was odd. Then K couldn't sleep for most of the rest of the night after everyone else woke up.

I also woke up several times during the night--times that had nothing to do with kids. After I dealt with T's bathroom break, I fell back asleep almost instantly and dreamt that the dog had peed on the floor and the kitchen sink was overflowing. And then I woke up and truly believed that it had all happened. The rest of the night was spent dreaming about a zombie invasion. Even when I woke up briefly and fell back asleep, the dream continued. I guess the times spent awake were commercials?

At one point in the dream I was wrestling with a zombie and told a dude nearby to shoot the zombie. He didn't want to because "shooting zombies is getting tiresome." What a dick.

Loaded I will walk alone

All you need is...a really badass space flight sim, pew pew pew?

2009-07-16T11:02:00.003-05:00

I have lots of videogames I can play. I've got a few titles on my Xbox as well as a few on my PC that I have yet to either touch or play to my own satisfaction. Some are really long games and I'm taking a break (Fallout3) and others are just really simple, almost children's games (Lego Star Wars). Still others don't really have an end (Team Fortress 2). When I look at all these games I have around to play, I continuously notice a genre that is missing.

Space Sims. Gone are the days of the classic Wing Commander series or the X-Wing and TIE-Fighter series. So what am I to turn to so that I can get my spacey, flying fix? (Please note that I am avoiding all references to using a joystick...it's taking great restraint, but I'm doing it.)

I long to fly through the vacuum of space, shooting everything that moves and asking questions later--lauching barrages of missiles and just generally blowing shit up. And the absence of these games is no recent development--I haven't seen a space sim released in years...many many painful, vacuous years.

Of course now all of the games I once loved aren't really playable in Windows XP. Sure, I can get DosBox and jury rig them...and I just might. But I'm looking for something new...not something 90's. Gimme, dammit! I don't even really care about plot...just give me some flying action and I might be happy! These days it's all MMORPGs, I think. Heck, I might actually try out an MMORPG that was based around a space sim. I doubt I'd have the time to play it regularly or the money to pay for it regularly, but I might try it for a lark. But, alas...nothing.

On a related note, have you seen the video for the new Mechwarrior? If the game is truly as good as this trailer, I'm totally in. Seriously, that game looks good enough to eat! Well, if steel and explosive bits are the kinds of things your into, that is. The last one I played was Mechwarrior 4, I think, and it was a lot of fun. But that was also 7 or 8 years ago? Maybe longer? It's about time a new one came along. I was, however, never quite 100% happy with the weapon firing schemes they had on the older iterations. So hopefully this new one (which has no publisher yet...hopefully soon) will remedy that for me. I think it was just personal taste. And since I now have a joystick with about a billion buttons, it shouldn't be a problem, as long as I can remember which button does what. The words "premature ejection" come to mind.

Thus far, my game list includes Halo: ODST (which I've preordered), Starcraft II, Diablo III, and probably Mechwarrior and Bioshock II. There are several games that I will most likely pick up on the cheap, but they have to get cheap in order for me to do that. And they will...in due time.

There's a tease

Reinventing the Wheel

2009-07-13T08:34:00.005-05:00

Recently, I was given a copy of "Wheelman" for the Xbox 360. This is a driving game in which you are a CIA agent who looks like (and is voiced by) Vin Diesel. You are tasked with...no, it's your job to...um...actually, I don't really know. I'm certain that you have an overarching goal that will be reached at the end of the game, I just have no idea what the hell it actually is.

So, mostly, I just drive around Barcelona, accepting missions and blowing shit up. Basically, if you've played any of the Burnout games, it's a lot like that except there are a few key differences.

First of all, someone thought Vin Diesel would be great for this game. As far as I'm concerned, they could have had Lisa Simpson voicing the main character and I would not have cared. Mostly this is because I haven't really been paying much attention to the cutscenes, since I already established that I have no idea what is actually going on in the game.

Yes, there are guns. You can lean out your car and shoot your gun while driving. Or you can use a special aiming mode where you simply shoot through your own windshield at other cars. You can drive any variety of automobile--from a semi to a motorcycle (or, even more humorously, a scooter!). also, you can use "vehicle melee" attacks, which are a fancy way of saying "ram the other guy so far into oblivion so that even his mother feels it, and several kittens cry." You can also airjack cars which means you basically jump from one vehicle to the next in a stunning display of Batman'esque manuevers, only without the nipples on the costume.

There are plenty of side missions to keep you occupied. They range from your basic "Rampage" (a.k.a. "Trash the Entire City") to "Made to Order" where you airjack one or more cars and take them back to a certain spot. These I find to be much more fun than the actual plot-related missions. Quit talking so much and let me blow shit up, already. If you rank high enough in any of these missions, you get bonuses like upgraded vehicle toughness or free valet parking at your local crime lord's estate.

The game is not without its flaws--the plot being one of them. The controls can sometimes be a little loose and tough to control and I still have not yet gotten used to drifting around corners yet. This is not a game I traditionally would have bought but since it didn't cost me anything, I can't complain. All in all, I'd probably give it a "B".

Next review:

SyFy Pictures Presents: "Sand Serpents"

Oh wow...this movie had "standard SyFy movie formula written all over it." It stars all your favorite celebrities like..."that one dude" and "that chick with the hair" and...yeah, who am I kidding? The cast is riddled with a bunch of nobodies who were hoping that this movie would be their big break. Guess what? It's not!

I know nothing about Army ranks and units, so I'm can't adequately use Army terms. You'll have to bear with me. So this Army unit is in Afghanistan, trying to kill lots of Taliban dudes and they get captured. Then the Taliban dudes mysteriously disappear, leaving the Army dudes to escape on their own, having no idea what happened but suspecting the Taliban dudes were eaten by something (the gigantic burp didn't give it away, of course).

The short of it is that a Taliban blast awoke these gigantic sand worms from deep beneath the surface and now they're hungry or pissed off or bored or something. All I know is, I kept waiting for a "Dune" or "Tremors" reference and never got one. Boooooo!

The movie is actually rather entertaining and follows SyFy's "army goes in and finds something unexpected" formula rather closely. Bullets obviously do no good against the worms (big surprise) and, in the end, they have to lob explosives at the worms.

There are several holes in the movie, the biggest of which was when the Afghani child runs out in front of the Army's stolen truck, causing it to flip. She was trying to stop them from driving down the stretch of road that was mined. Yet, later, they drive down that same stretch of road! Also, why aren't any of these worms setting off mines? I'm sure that would help the situation a bit. Maybe the mines were set to "don't kill worms".

Anyway, the movie is predictable, the Army guys are whiny and unlikeable (I include the chicks in this group as well) and the Taliban dudes are stupid and evil. Also, with all the gunplay in this movie, it's astounding that nobody can hit the broad side of a barn...er...worm. They all may as well be playing Laser Tag.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Full-body chomping: Lots
People actually shot: 2
Whining: Constant
Choppers yoinked from the sky: 1
"Graboids" jokes made by me: several
IED-fu
Grenade-fu
Worm-fu

3 1/2 stars

He can manipulate the action

Settling In

2009-07-09T11:00:00.004-05:00

Life is finally calming down. Summer is in full swing so things like trips to the pool and swim lessons are quite plentiful. These days, I feel like a fish--a big, pruny fish. But I enjoy swimming, so I don't mind unless the water is cold. Then I mind. A lot.

This is the first year that I am not in the pool with one or both of the girls for swim lessons. It makes me a little sad. Even though swim lessons were getting a bit tedious, doing the same things over and over, year after year, it is still something that I enjoyed. It was good interaction with both daughters. Now I can sit and watch while reading or using the ol' iPhone. Soon, the only thing I'll be good for is hunting down lousy ex-boyfriends and giving them the business.

So, yeah. The new job is going very well. I'm settling into the duties and the atmosphere, taking it in like a fine wine...or a crappy wine. Hey, I don't profess to know the difference. But, with work, I don't have to take a breathalizer, so it's all good. I'm busier at work now than I probably have ever been, but my time is still not 100% taken every day. Sometimes I wish it was, sometimes not. But it seems to be a really good balance. I doubt I'll ever find the "perfect job", if one actually exists. But I think I can come close. I've never been sure what it is I actually enjoy doing for a "job". Even playing videogames as a QA person would get tedious.

Hopefully, this means that I can get back into writing. I've got a story primed for solicitation but I need to do a bit of editing still. And I really drop the ball when it comes to editing. Editing is like pulling one's intestines out their nose and then replacing them with rubbing alcohol. I hate it. But it's necessary, unlike the intestine and nose operation...which is purely optional surgery, should you want it. If this sounds appealing, I know a guy who knows a guy.

I had a funny idea yesterday. At least, I thought it was funny...in a very nerdy, "only 20% of the world would get this" sort of way. I thought of a huge Broadway production called "Chatroom: The Musical". Seriously...I think it'd be hilarious. Imagine people sitting at computers, typing (and talking as they type so everyone knows what they're doing). And then there would be people dressed up as these users' usernames or avatars (my representation would be a raw steak with a pointy sword). Every so often, someone acting as a 10-year-old kid would run across the stage yelling "I LIKE PIE!" or "PENISPENISPENIS!" See? I told you...at least I found it hilarious.

Yeah, well, screw you.

So I drew a new face and I laughed

The HOA, Redux

2009-07-06T12:02:00.002-05:00

I am pleased to announce that I have officially resigned from the Board of Directors for my Homeowners Association. Doing so is akin to cutting off a vicious parasite from your own body--one that you somehow thought may be beneficial at first but, as it turns out, it exists solely to make your life miserable. But I have cast off that parasite now and feel a weight lifted from my shoulders--a weight that, for a while, I didn't even know I was carrying. But that could explain the neck and shoulder pain, the nervous twitch, the inexplicable diseases and possibly the swine flu...but I'm not ready to take the blame for that one just yet.

It became apparent that the time to exit was quickly approaching. I spoke of this once before. It has since been resolved but not necessarily in the best way possible. See, once upon a time, this lady built a rail in her front yard along with a sidewalk. None of these was actually approved by the HOA board (including me)--in fact, nobody knew about them until they were built.

Needless to say, none of this went down well with many neighbors. Complaints were filed and followed up on, lawyers were consulted, there was crying and yelling on doorsteps, and even a few flaming bags of poop were involved (okay, that last one is a fabrication, but flaming bags of poop are really funny, trust me). In the end, this lady got to keep her rail and her sidewalk and the HOA spend a little over $2,000 on a lawyer to investigate the whole complaint which, of course, this lady mentioned as being a waste of money etc.

Anyway, the last meeting/picnic for the neighborhood was quite the 3-ring circus, with accusations flying and arguments abound. I, as president, sat back and watched the sparks fly for a while until I felt everyone had let fly their opinion, then cut it short and moved on. The point being, there was only one person at that meeting on this lady's side (besides her...oh, and her husband...so three out of, um, 30 or so?)

The irony is that this lady, through proxy votes, a sob story, and possibly bribes or threats (which I may have just made up, and probably did) won a spot on the Board of Directors. I know that nobody at the meeting voted for her besides herself, her husband, and the other lady in favor of her...I know this for a fact because I saw the vote tallies. So, yeah, she's now on the board so we'll see just how things are handled.

One thing's for sure--I'm tempted to start filing complaints directly to her just to give her a taste of what it's like. Of course, this would screw over a lot of people, so I'm not really willing to do that. But hopefully she'll have as bad a time on the Board as I did. The good news is that the other two people on the board are vehemently against her, so I doubt, when it comes down to a vote, she'll win any headway.

There was no Scifi movie this weekend, due to their July 4th Twilight Zone marathon (those two things naturally go great together, right?). I believe there is one next week, however, so I'm primed for some awfulness!

But I ain't got wings

Faily McFail

2009-06-30T15:35:00.003-05:00

So, a couple of weeks ago, this chick was canvassing the neighborhood for CenturyTel, offering to bundle our phone, Internet, and TV together for one magically low price!

"Wow!" I said, "I truly hate Mediacom's (our current provider) practices, the way they raise rates and remove channels at the same time! I'd love to hear about your deal! What? It costs less? I get more channels? AND I get a DVR? And my Internet will be just as fast? And...again...it costs less???"
K came home and got the information.

"Sign us up!" we shouted, high to the heavens, happy to be able to give Mediacom the virtual finger. Now, if there was actually a way to give them the finger and not change companies, I might have just done that. But, meh. I liked this whole "Microsoft Digital TV" idea...more channels and a DVR for less. I don't give a flying greasy rodent's derrier what company supplies me with the bits and bytes, so long as I can adequately outsnipe the other bastard in TF2. I mean, I'm badass and all, but I can't do much with a high ping time.

So we set up an appointment for yesterday for all this and bid the traveling technology chick farewell.

Then we get a call. A technician had come out and determined that we were too far out and could not get the digital television. CenturyTel told us they would call us back.

So yesterday comes and goes...no phone call, no person coming to the house. Me, in my infinite laziness and "fuck them" attitude, I tell K to just wait for them to call or come out. I don't see why we should have to expend our energy because they are just two brain cells higher than a primate.

So I come home for lunch and notice a CenturyTel thingy hanging on our door. "Service is active" it says. What? How can the service be active? Nobody even came into our house to set anything up! Oh, I get it! It's active because they say it is. Okay, then. I'm fucking rich!

Dammit, that doesn't work! And I don't know who Rich is anyway. (rimshot)

So K calls and basically calls off the whole deal, telling them that it's stupid for us to pay two days of Internet access we didn't...nay...couldn't use, especially since nobody even showed up yesterday to set it up! I know some things in life aren't tangible, but why should we pay for yesterday when they didn't even show up until today? And they never even supplied us with any actual equipment!

So, yeah, we basically told them that they need to get their facts straight before they waste time and money sending out people to sell "theoretically existing services", then telling people CenturyTel can't actually deliver said products. We told them we are not interested, but that we want to keep our basic phone service, which we've had through CenturyTel since they bought out whatever loser had our phone service prior.

And, predictably so, our phone service has been somehow turned off.

Fucking geniuses.

Also, I left them a nasty complaint on their website--as nasty as 500 characters would allow.

For you to return into my life