I couldn't actually bring myself to watch the entirety of any SciFi movie this weekend. Mayhaps it was a short attention span, or the movies sucked or...well, that's probably it. I skipped them completely on Saturday but Sunday...Sunday was special. It was DINOSAUR DAY!! And, oh, was it bad. It wasn't "pinned under the tires of an 18-wheeler" bad. But it was "Uwe Boll might have been able to do better" bad. Movies as deliciously bad as these have a special place in the film industry--somewhere between the bathroom and the dumpster at a local eatery. They are usually devoid of any actual substance but, for some reason, I am unable to pry my poor eyes away.
But I still did not watch any of them in their entirety. I watched bits of several, however, and I've come to the conclusion that, should I ever become unemployed, I can probably whip up a movie with my camcorder and some toy dinosaurs and probably come out with something better! To make a
- One person willing to wear a crappy rubber dinosaur suit
- Stock footage of crappy CGI dinosaurs
- A C-average art student to draw in blood spatters whenever said dinosaurs are shot (which doesn't happen very often--more on that later)
- Some toy guns, purchased from your local $1 Store
- Someone to make sound effects such as "pew pew pew" and "boom!" and "rawr! I'm a dinosaur!"
Yep...those are pretty much all the supplies you need. For a location, I'd suggest a forest. Caves are nice but usually require actual lighting, which drives up the budget.
So we're halfway there already! What? You say we need a script and a plot? Seriously, have you learned nothing?? For your convenience, I have created the "SciFi Dinosaur Movie Builder". That's right, I am a genius.
So here it is--is a listing of qualities that must be used to create a movie of this caliber:
- Hapless victims trapped on island (or planet), discover dinosaurs.
- Military expedition team is exploring uncharted territory (under the ocean, island, planet) and encounters dinosaurs.
- Shady corporation is running experiments. They are either creating dinosaurs for the military or their harmless experiment goes horribly awry. Dinosaurs get loose; much eating ensues.
- No Matter What, the military is always powerless. Either bullets are useless or the soldiers have the worst aim ever. And it often takes precisely 1,000 direct hits to take down a man-sized dinosaur--but that rarely happens (hence the art student will usually be bored).
- There is almost always a shady guy or criminal organization getting in the way and messing things up. They always die in the end.
- Just when the good guys think the situation is the worst possible, there is either a Dinosaur Boss Fight or they find an entire colony of dinosaurs, replete with shopping malls, car dealerships, and "people processing plants" for the sophisticated meat-eater.
- There will always be several scenes with someone running from a dinosaur, and the dinosaur following the victim, but they will never appear together until the very end. So the victim is just running away from nothing most of the time.
- Finally, and here's the most important part, there is always at least one hot chick. Usually there is a semi-hot chick soldier, but there is always always always the "hot chick doctor" (or specialist) included with any group. She will, 99% of the time, survive but will also, 99% of the time, do absolutely nothing.
So there yo uhave it--the complete ingredients to making a dinosaur movie that the SciFi network will instantly snatch up. Trust me, you'll make millions.
After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts