Sunday, May 31, 2009

Zombies Truly ARE Everywhere

K just picked up what might be the most ingenious book ever to reach the printed page. It contains a classic, timeless story of love and conflict...and cannibalistic flesh-eating. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies could be the most awesome idea ever!


I mean, seriously, what concept is better than that? Totally hilarious.

Alright, onto serious matters...like SciFi Saturday movies. This past Saturday, we had a movie called "Book of Breasts". Now, with a name like that, who am I to pass up watching this? Of course, the movie was actually called "Book of Beasts" Ah well...maybe one day they'll make the movie that I want.

So, anyway, we should probably call this movie "Camelot, the Next Generation". Basically, years after King Arthur has died, Galahad and his ragtag bunch of adolescent knights go on a quest to retake camelot. But this one evil dude named The Arcadian is roaming from town to town, laying waste by commanding strange creatures. Also, this movie could be called "The Book of Things That Don't Require Much CGI" since, mostly, the crew just fights the gorgon sisters with Medusa as their leader.

The crew searches a forest to find Merlin, a cranky, crusty old bastard who's spent the last umpteen years hanging out in the woods, wiping his butt with leaves, and ignoring the rest of the world. We find out that the one chick in the group--Avlynn--is Arthur's daughter and she tries to convince Merlin to help them. Merlin says "no way in Hell, baby, but I'm sure I'll reappear to save you when you are about to get your asses kicked." And, of course, he does.

Come to find out, later, that The Arcadian is Mordred (Arthur's and Morgan Le Fay's son) and he wants to have a baby with his sister. Aside from being a little revolting, this concept is rather dull and doesn't add much to the movie. Keeping with the movie's tradition of not using much CGI, Merlin's and Mordred's "magic" is rather lackluster and is little more than throwing magical pee at each other.

So Avlynn must find Excalibur. The only catch this time is that she must actually fight the scimitar-lobbing watery tart...at least, I think that's what was going on. She basically had to fight herself. The fight ends when we see that hugs are more powerful than punches. She claims the sword and returns to her companions only to have all of them and the book of beasts captured nearly instantly by something with wings that we see 1 1/2 seconds of.

Merlin dies a few times, the "knights" fight very poorly, the good guys win...there was much rejoincing. Yay. I like my movie idea much better.

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Stoners: 1
Women with bad (snake) hair: 3
Moistened Bints: 1
Swordfights: Maybe 1...more like 1/2
Zombies: None. Go read the book I talked about further up.
Hair-pulling
Sucker-punching
Vine-fu
Ambrosia-fu

3 stars.

Turn it off, that ain't my scene

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's Turtle-Saving Season!!

Spring is when turtles attempt to cross the street. Seriously. I don't know why they do it. They come from an area with plants and bugs and dirt, cross the street, and arrive at a nearly identical place. That's assuming they make it across the street in the first place.

I mention this only because I like to try to help them along. I usually make a few stops every spring and help a turtle cross the road. You know, kind of like the iconic boy scout helping the old lady across the street. Only the turtle doesn't have a purse I can snatch, and turtles don't bite as hard as old ladies. But this year I've not had the opportunity. Every turtle I've seen has been in a very high traffic area with no room to pull over, even for my tiny car. Hopefully they'll make it to their big turtle rave without my help.

So both T and G have come up with interesting phrases to blow me off, and it's pretty funny. On Sunday I was sitting in the kitchen doing something inane. T and G were happily playing in the living room when G comes to me and says "Daddy, if you want to go relax or take a nap you can."

I'm like, "What? Are you trying to get rid of me?"
She replied "Yes," and grinned. I suspect she wanted to cause trouble with her sister or do something normally not allowed. Made me laugh.

So then I'm putting T to bed the other night. I tuck her in and turn on her music. I ask "Do you want to snuggle or read a book?" and lie down on her bed next to her.

She looks at me and says "Go play." Made me laugh again.

So yesterday, I'm laying on G's bed, watching her do something and she says "I'm going to go see what my sister is doing."

I say (dramatically) "Oh, fine. Leave me all alone in here."
She replied "Okay!" and ran out. As I was laughing, I replied "It was not a suggestion!"

Funny kids.

And all of your madness is crowded in my head

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Caaaake! Om nom nom nom!!!



So here are a couple of pics of the Yaris cake (a replica of the actual car, only with more eggs and butter). It was quite tasty (T avoided the actual cake and ate just the frosting).


Let's hope the cracks in the cake aren't a portent of things to come!





And here I am, with my typical "why do I have to be in the picture?" look. Note the fashionable "Wal-Mart Gardens" t-shirt...I am such a trendsetter, it's just ridiculous! Nobody can ever hope to keep up with my fashion!


And I step to the edge

Avert Thine Eyes...Here Comes Random!

Huh. So I get back from lunch and I have a voicemail from the front desk...someone sent me a cake. A what?

Yep. A cake...the salesman who sold me the Yaris sent me a cake (along with a very brief survey card). Now, I'm sure that it's a company thing and everyone gets a cake...or a free soda...or something. I just found it a bit unexpected...a tad odd...and hopefully yummy! The top of it is the car. I could never be a cake decorator. Nothing I did would turn out as it was supposed to. I guess I could decorate cakes...as long as you want a blob of randomly-colored frosting on top! I'll take a picture and put it up here at some point (no, not of a blob of frosting). I hope it's good. It cost thousands of dollars.

Along the same line, have I mentioned how nice it is to have real cupholders in a car? While I loved my old '95 Contour, it was lacking in one thing--cupholders. One may not think this a very important feature but, well, it is. Sure, it had cupholder...that's right--cupholder. One. And it was a neat design--it popped up from nowhere in between the two front seats. It would have been a stroke of genius...had it not sucked. See...somewhere between when I got the car and when I got rid of the car, Americans decided their drinks had to be about as big as the Empire State Building, or they would not be properly refreshed. So, as it turned out, said cupholder could only hold cans...making it thusly, a canholder. Every cup was too wide or too tall, causing the poor cupholder to buckle, spilling liquid refreshment on the poor, unsuspecting slob sitting in the passenger seat. This resulted in me usually cradling my beverage in between my legs while trying to drive...which was almost as disastrous as the first scenario, except that I got soaked in yummy, caffeinated heaven. But no more...it took me 14 years, but I finally have real cupholders (three of them, to be exact). Triumph!

So, for those of you who play Team Fortress 2, the sniper and the spy get updated today. I won't go into details but I will say that the sniper's update, from the looks of it, seems really really lame (quiet, Dimmic). The one bright spot, however, is that you get to throw jars of urine at both friends and foes alike! That's right...jars of urine! What other game is so glorious as to let you do that? That's right, there isn't one. Revel in my Jarate prowess. Cower when you see me running at you, urine jar in hand! For you know it was meant for you, and you must not mess with my mad peeing skillz! In actuality, the urine jar will probably be lame. But the concept itself is hilarious.

It's here, it's near I see it all so clear

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Shut up, Randy

The garden has been planted. The brussels sprouts and spinach sadly did not make it. They perished in their peat pots long before I got them in the ground. I have the distinct feeling the spinach turned them against each other and laughed at the destruction. Of course, only about half the spinach made it anyway.

The garden itself is rich in nutrients and there are worms everywhere--all this from kitchen and yard waste. Everything I planted seems to be thriving already, despite the dubious amount of sunlight it gets. The herbs are planted in pots on the deck and seem to be doing pretty well also. If all goes according to plan, we'll have quite a few vegetables this summer!

Most of the plants got hammered by a really hard rain (with hail) so I wouldn't be surprised if some of them didn't make it. Also, I'm a lousy gardener, so that might have something to do with it.

K picked up some catnip at a local farmer's market. Her cat devours the stuff like it's crack...or maybe it is! my cat doesn't really know what to do with it. He rolls on it and drools incessantly, maybe biting or licking it. This goes on indefinitely or until K's cat Tynan sneaks in and noms the catnip out from under my cat. I feel like I'm a kitty drug dealer! If I don't give it to them, they'll just find it on the street, right?

There is no Drive In Movie Review this week because Scifi's Saturday movie was "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I won't even get into how much less funny the movie is than the book. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. I've seen most of the movie so, at some point, I got bored and wandered into traffic...again. Luckily, my road has a very low traffic flow, so I would actually have to try to get run over. But I doubt I'd have the attention span for that.

picks up one life, puts another one down

Friday, May 15, 2009

We Just Can't Have Nice Things

An open letter to the a-hole who put a dent in my car:

Dear Nimrod,

Thank you so much for deciding to leave scratches and a dent in the door of the car I just bought a week ago. I am very pleased you decided to share your carelessness and stupidity with others...because we all know that's what this world needs more of.

I'm not vain. I fully realize that cars get scratched, dented, destroyed. Anyone who has seen my previous automobile would agree. The car still runs fine, thanks for asking. It still looks really nice, too, no thanks to your callous inconsideration. I am not one to usually care about such things as long as the car functions and doesn't rust out from under me. But, seriously, how much brain power does it take to keep from ramming your door into someone else's property? Was that too much for you to comprehend? Were you too busy eating and talking on your cell phone to notice that, oh, someone else's car was parked alongside you? Did you have trouble walking at the same time all these other activities were going on?

No, no, that's okay. I got some touch-up paint and the dent isn't affecting the car's performance. It'll be alright. But next time, just do me the favor and accidentally lock yourself in your own vehicle and forget how to operate the door, okay? Thanks again! Ta!

You're wearing thin

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

When someone asks you if you are a god...

You say "yes"!

This entry is a little late. I have mostly recuperated from the trip and Mother's Day has passed. Today was Spudling's birthday (the party is tomorrow). Life has certainly been busy.

Another big event has been the acquisition of a new vehicle. Now, this wasn't really something we wanted to do. It was more like bracing for impact as a giant tsunami of crap comes lumbering toward you with the evil, deep-voiced "ha ha ha" laugh. We knew it was going to have to happen, we just weren't sure (and really still aren't) how to pay for it. See, the car I previously drove was 14 years old. It was held together by the once green paint. It only had 142,000 miles on it (yeah, "only") but it ran as if it had twice that. It needed new shocks, brakes, and tires. The air conditioning stopped working, and it randomly lost power (acceleration) and shook violently. So, yeah, it was time. It was an incredibly reliable car--never really had any major work done or any major problems. I hope the new automobile is as reliable.

So we now have a new vehicle. We have 60 months at 0% interest to figure out how to pay it off. Realistically, we have a lot less than that since we really can't squeeze out too many car payments. It is nice, however, to not fear for my life (or my family's life) when one of us drives the car now. Wanna guess how much the old car traded for?

Alright, so I've got better things to do...like:

Scifi Pictures Presents: "The Descent"

Alright, so, yeah. This isn't actually a Scifi Pictures Original (SPO). It actually premiered at Sundance! Yet, sadly, it still ended up on Scifi, so we shall treat it as such. It stars nobody...really, no joke.

So six chicks go caving because they like to do nutty things from time to time, such as eating peanut butter right out of the jar!!! I know, right!? So, despite the fact that they all seem really smart at the beginning, it turns out that they don't have a brain between them! The first hour of the movie is basically the six of them running blindly into the darkness and falling down random pits, tripping over things, and getting stuck in tight tunnels. But wait! It turns out that one of them, Juno, purposely took them to the wrong cave! She thought it would be cool to be the first to explore it. Great...in theory.

But the second half of the film contains lots of screaming, bleeding, jumping, and.eating!!! You see, as luck would have it, these chicks are not alone! You may have noticed that the entire cast is female, right? Well, get ready for this...there are savage creatures that dwell in these caverns. They're dudes and they eat people! Run for the hills!

Lots of infighting ensues...some of them get split up, they panic, they turn on each other, they go crazy, and they generally bounce around like a BB in a bathtub. All in all, it's not a bad horror flick. It had K jumping a couple of times (in addition to the times she was creeped out by the cramped, close quarters). There are a whole lot of parts that make no sense and, many times, I could not fathom why these stupid people did what they did but, for the most part, it was creepy and entertaining.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:

Backstabbings: 2
Bad decisions: About 50
Random falls: 3
Compound fractures: 1
Axe fu
Flare fu
Dinner buffets
Battle royales

3 stars

Yours is your and mine you leave alone now

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Travelblog V, The End

Whew! Finally, I have finished. And tomorrow I happily return from my travels. Hopefully Microsoft can't screw that up.

Streets & Trips took one last swing at me this morning and it was a doozy. It completely redirected me from my first mark this morning, taking me about 25 minutes out of the way. I mean, honestly, someone would have had to try to screw it up this badly. Obviously, someone did. Luckily, each person knew where they were and could direct me there when Microsoft failed...miserably...and of epic proportions. This happened all week.

Also...ninja cat!!

I have discovered that Chewy Atomic Fireballs are virtually inedible. They're like regular Atomic Fireballs but with about 500% more burning. This makes them taste like nothing but pain...yet I still eat them. This says something about me. Yeah...that's right. It says that I am compelled to eat something called "Atomic Fireball". I have no choice in the matter.

Anyway, that's all. Carry on!

I've experiments to run

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Travelblog IV, The Musical!

There are a few things I have discovered about Louisville, Kentucky. After tooling around the city for two days, these things have become rather apparent...sort of like an elephant sitting on you...and farting...then insulting your mom. Yeah, that obvious.

First of all, Louisville apparently has no rock radio stations. None. If one exists, then it is purposely trying to hide from me, like virginity hides from Paris Hilton. I've been up and down the "radio dial" and have found nothing. I have never been more thankful for my iPod.

Next up--stoplights. Stoplights in Louisville are ungodly long. Not only that, but I seem to hit every one of them wrong and end up waiting five minutes for the light to turn (yes, I timed it). FIVE MINUTES!!! Inevitably, I get to the light just as it turns red. This has given me plenty of time to work on the first point--finding Paris Hilton's vir...er...finding a good radio station. It still eludes me.

Third, Microsoft apparently has never ever actually been to Louisville Kentucky...because they have no idea where to direct me. Maybe they coded information from Louisville Egypt or Louisville Luxembourg and just fudged it into Louisville Kentucky. Microsoft is responsible for more burnt gas and frustration from getting me lost than any other factors. Luckily, I am starting to figure out when to call bullshit on Streets & Trips. I've also taken to calling the person at my next stop when I get close and confirming my location with them. Luckiily, I have use Mapquest for directions back home. I'd hate to end up in Effingham.

Also, it apparently rains all the freaking time in Louisville. Either that or I am the cause. If the latter is true, I could make a lot of money.

Every four-way intersection here in Louisville is identical. They all consist of: a Walgreens, a Starbucks, a PNC Bank, and a gas station. It makes it really difficult for me to describe my whereabouts to the person who's next on my list. I say "I'm across from Walgreens" and they say "Which one?" Also, I've not eaten at one local place. Either I can't find said establishment or they are closed. Buggers.

That's really all I have to say about any of that.

You make my insides outside

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Travelblog, Part III, The Revenge

The Cheez-it box...it is so useful. It still keeps my laptop from overheating when not on a hard surface. Awesome.

Today went well. I was on schedule and got all PCs switched out in good time. The day was a little longer than normal. It could have been worse--Microsoft steered me wrong at least three times. Thanks to the invention of the cell phone, I got directions from the right people. Take that, you orienteering-failing jerkfaces! I spit in thine eye!

I just got done devouring a nice plate of ribs. They were very very good. I sat there, munching, and watching this strange channel on TV. It showed many bits of different randomosity, so it was right up my alley. It went in this order: animals performing sports (skiing, weightlifting, skateboarding etc...but no curling), three stooges, car racing, random factoids about sports and obscure laws. Seriously, that's the truth, I crap you negative. I would not presume to try and trick my faithful reader (maybe that's plural by now). Come to find out that it is a special setup by the restaurant. But that does not detract from the mystique of the whole thing.

Ooh, today I bought socks and a belt! All of my socks are threadbare and/or have holes...and I'm pretty sure they're made from dinosaur hide. My belt is about a billion years old and laughs at me on a regular basis. I had to brave a foreign Wal-Mart (or "Wal-Marts" as they call it 'round here, y'all). Oddly enough, Wal-Mart is the same everywhere. I will leave you up to your own conjecture about that.

So the pool here is not indoors, nor is it outdoors. It's both! And it is never used! I guess it's Kentucky law that there must be an attendant whenever the pool is being used. Because I would feel like a complete tool asking for a lifeguard to watch me swim, I continue to not use the pool.

Also, I must mention that the treadmill here is fully functional and I can change the incline at will! So now my goal is to bust it. I aim to break this beast before I am gone. It's possible...it must be! Meh. Screw it. I'm sure someone more ambitious and, perhaps, much larger will probably do it with less effort. Me? I'm lazy.

Today's discovery is hilarious. I have absolutely no idea what service and/or product these people are selling, but I passed a business with a sign that said "Cornhole Supplies". Now I could probably Google this but I feel it is better left to the imagination. It's certainly much funnier that way. And, thus, I shall leave it as such. Go Google it yourself, jerkity jerk!

Me, out.

You can call it another lonely day

Monday, May 4, 2009

Travelblog, Part II

I just had possibly the best steak ever. It was this way simply because, after a 10-hour day with no lunch, it could have been feet wrapped in cat and moldy cheese and it still would have been awesome. But the steak was actually very good...paired with the best beer ever and finished off with the best key lime pie ever. I'm so full, I think I might pop. It's a far cry from Long John Silvers.

Also, stupid different time zones.

So Microsoft Streets & Trips software is either a) thoroughly retarded or b) determined to get me lost in the middle of the Sahara, being stalked by lions while wearing bacon shorts. It is completely fail. It took me miles out of the way and had no plans to get me back to where I should have been. Not only that, but I had to wait in line on the road while these dudes cut down a tree or two and cleared them from the road. Tben, when I realized I was way far away from my intended target, I had to go back and wait some more while they cut down a couple more trees and dragged their parts off the road. But I eventually made it to every office and upgraded seven PCs...but it took a lot longer than I had planned. Next time that pitiful software tells me to turn right but actually means "go straight", I'm going to punch the entire development team in the head. I invite them to suck it.

The coffee they served at the last hotel was definitely the best "hotel coffee" ever. In fact, it was on par with a lot of coffee shops. I'm shocked, taken aback, surprised, and redundant! I'm also a little bit warm...and somewhat tired.

No great observations from the road today. It was profoundly unfunny, which disappointed me so. I look forward to road humor and the world is less colorful in its absence. Sure, I can make fun of "The Fifth Third Bank" some more, but I'm pretty sure that's been done. I could, once again, talk about my favorite city name--Effingham. I mean, they must have some reallygood ham there! But I saw that roadsign yesterday, so it doesn't count.

But it's still effing hilarious.

There's not much soap and too much cheese

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Travelblog, Part I

So I'm on the road again. Seems like there is a song that's applicable to this situation but I just can't think of the title. Here are some observations from the road:

1. Best Billboard Ever: "Hot, Tasty Butts!!" I crap you negative. Of course, it was for a bar-b-que place and there were cartoon pig butts on it, but still...classic.
2. There is never anyone in a hotel exercise room except me...go figure. The last person to use the treadmill was 200 lbs. and 58 years old. Also, why is the mechanism which raises and lowers the grade on every treadmill in every hotel broken?
3. I ate at Long John Silvers tonight--all the local places looked rather sketchy...and desolate. Either they weren't open or shouldn't be open. Anyway, as far as LJS goes, nothing's changed. Well, one thing has changed. I don't have a stomach ache!! So, now, there is officially nothing on this planet that my stomach disagrees with.
4. I just watched Marge Simpson teabag someone in a Halo-like game on tv!
5. I have to set my laptop on the box for Civ IV while using it on the bed or it overheats.
6. I drove past the infamous spot in Evansville, IN where I got horribly lost last year traveling. Stupid Evansville. It still fails.

Alright, enough of that. Time to switch gears.

Scifi Saturday Presents: "Bottom Feeder"

Okay, I had no idea what to expect from a "monster in the tunnels" movie starring Tom Sizemore. Not that I actually know what to expect from any Scifi movie...but whatever. So Tom Sizemore stars as a maintenance dood named Vince. He hangs out with his niece (it's her first day), another dood, and an ass-annoying slacker kid. The first scene where I saw this kid I knew I wanted him to die first. Thankfully, he did. But that's really beside the point.

So this genius doctor is summoned to an old warehouse where an old, burned dude in a wheelchair awaits. They talk, the doctor is shot and beaten up and left in a locked hallway. See, he has invented a syrum (it's always a syrum, not an "injection" or anything else) that regenerates tissue! So the old dude's henchmen (The Tool and a chick who I refer to as "psycho Scully--she looks and talks like the X-Files Dana Scully but she's also a raging, psycho bitch) beat the crap out of the doctor, shoot him, chuck him in the hallway and inject him with the syrum. But there are some rules, blah blah, things go wrong and the doctor turns into a half-man, half-rat beast-like thing. He's ugly, and he's pissed off...also, he's hungry. I mean, how did they not see this coming? They're bringing down themselves!!! Noooooo!!!

So the maintenance crew goes into the tunnels because Vince and his friend want to pilfer whatever they can find from an old shutdown hospital that connects to these tunnels (and other buildings). Also Psycho Scully and The Tool return to find the good doctor gone. A random, poorly acted Jamaican stoner gets eaten, but not before the annoying kid gets his. Everyone runs around frantically, the old burnt dude dies (as does his silent, karate assistant). Finally they decide to blow up the tunnels to trap ratman but, instead, take him down themselves. What did it take to kill him?? A shotgun. Yep...not a missile, not explosives...just a good ol' trusty shotgun. Also, an axe to the head and a glorified meat carving tool. Then the tunnels explode because these people are all stupid and sit around just watching the dead corpse too long.

Then Vince finds himself in a hospital and he's going to turn into a ratman...see, he and his niece were "infected with its blood"...and, well, the syrum was going to be used for the army to create "the ultimate weapon"...now he is the ultimate weapon!! TWIST!!! Yeah, right...who didn't see that coming?

So here are your Drive-In Totals:
Contrived plots: 1
Cheese-faced burnt, old dudes: 1
Fake dismembered fingers: 1
Eaten dogs: 1
Superfluous, retarded Jamaican dudes: 1
Silent, kung-fu assistants: 1
Lousy CGI: Essentially none (no CGI at all in this movie--good or bad)
Shotgun-fu
Fancy knife-fu
Meat-carving
Rat-eating
Neon injections

3 stars

Dream another dream, this dream is over