Sunday, August 30, 2009

Your Ad Here

August is normally my least favorite month of the year. But if August was always like it has been this year, I might actually learn to like it! The weather has been fantastic! Whereas August is usually the equivalent of getting kicked in the crotch while being set on fire at the same time as having a colonoscopy, this year it has been much like having sex on a rollercoaster followed cream!

Oh, and the ice cream has sprinkles on it.

It looks as though the garden this year was not total, epic fail. With the cool, rainy weather we've had this summer, it's been tough to get anything except the grass to grow. But the garden persevered, pro ducing tomatoes and jalapenos! Of course, everything else refused to do anything. Also, the tomatoes are all relatively small, but the jalapenos are pretty decent-sized. The verdict is still out on the garlic as it has yet to fully mature. But if I yell at it enough and threaten it, perhaps it will bend to my will. That's how it works, right?

And, last night, I watched the best movie...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!!
Okay. So I have this movie for're totally gonna want to see it. It's got...get this...a giant shark in it! What? That's not enough? You say you want two giant creatures in a movie? Well, you're in luck. It also has a giant freaking octopus in it. That's two for one, man! I'm offering you the deal of a lifetime! But wait...if you watch now, I'll also throw in Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson! Seriously, YOU CAN'T RESIST!! Hypnotoad commands you!

So, yeah...Deborah Gibson plays some kind of scientist (insert laughter here) and she gets a front-row seat as a giant shark and octopus are released from their icy prisons. The shark and octopus were apparently locked in mortal combat when, BOOM, they were somehow frozen fast enough to catch them in the middle of their fracas. So now they've thawed out (3 minutes in the microwave on power level 5) and...instead of continuing their fight, they go their separate ways, taking out their prehistoric angst on humanity. My guess is that they made a bet--see who could cause the most destruction before humanity finally figured out a way to stop them. Either way, they totally have a huge party on Earth, drink all the booze, then trash the place.

So Deborah Gibson, some Irish dude who used to be her professor, and a Japanese dude are all kidnapped by Lorenzo Lamas and ordered to, like, tell the monsters to stop and stuff. Having nothing better to do, Gibson and the Japanese guy jump each others' bones in the broom closet and then figure out a solution. I think they'd known each other maybe 24 hours, but sex is always the answer in movies! (thumbs up!)

But their idea fails miserably. Meanwhile, the shark and octopus are doing cool stuff like leaping out of the water and eating airplanes, chewing on the Golden Gate Bridge, and swatting down fighter jets. But before they have a chance to destroy the Chrysler Building (which seems to happen in every US-based monster movie), humanity figures out another plan--get them to fight each other!

So then there's a giant game of "Rock/Paper/Scissors" or, rather "Tooth/Tentacle/Submarine" and it is on!! Now, honestly, I don't see how a shark could outmatch an has no arms, the other has eight of them. But somehow, yes, they manage to kill each other at exactly the same time!! Very convenient! Humanity wins! Good thing those two hopped in the sack while barely knowing each other! They saved everyone!

This movie was the perfect "so bad it's awesome" movie. My only complaint is that they used the same shark footage over and over again and, well, I wanted more destruction. A five-minute montage of the shark and octopus wreaking havoc would have been awesome. Especially if it had been set to "Yakkity Sax"

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Doomed planes: 2
Pissed-off commuters: Several thousand
Unnecessary sex scenes: None--we all know that every sex scene is necessary
Hair grease: Way too much on Lamas' head

5 stars

They'd said it was safe, they lied

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Welcome to the New School Year

Monday was G's first day of 1st grade, and today was T's first day of Kindergarten. Both girls have been bubbly, hyper, and very excited. I'm happy to say that both girls have immensely enjoyed their first days of school. From what I hear, T didn't want to come home. She gave Mom the evil eye for about an hour afterwards. I am overjoyed that the first days went so well. I could tell that everyone in the house was ready for school to start since K and I wanted to pull our hair out, and the kids were nuts for about two weeks.

How interesting. The ice cream truck just pulled up and my employer is paying for ice cream.

Anyway, here are pics of the girls on their first days. Yes, they picked out their outfits together.

And sing along to the age of paranoia

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Cow Says...

On Friday, K spontaneously suggested that we go to the zoo on Saturday...kind of a "last huzzah" before both kids go to school. So off we went yesterday. We went early so that we could go through the childrens' area for free. Turns out that we found free parking as well. And since the zoo itself is free, we were already ahead of the game! Basically, this just meant we could spend more money on other things throughout the day.

Tremendous fun was had by all. But, more importantly, I noticed a few things about the zoo that struck me, and I shall share them with you, the lucky lucky reader of my drivel.

1. Wearing high heels to the zoo is pointless. Seriously. You're not doing yourself any favors, and I doubt you're going to find a date at the zoo, if that's your intent. I guess one of the lions might be looking for some action, but they don't really care about footwear.

2. I've come to the realization that you could make a game show category called "Zoo Animal Sound or Random Baby Sound?" The two sounds are almost indistinguishable at times.

3. If you are a giant-ass ostrich, and you try to eat a 1-foot-long feather but end up choking on it, do not try to eat the same feather (and continue to choke on it) for the next 15 minutes. That is why you are in the cage and we are watching and laughing at you.

4. Stingrays feel like wet pancakes.

5. Seeing seeing animals that are actually, officially called "Someli Asses" is just awesome. If you say "Someli" fast enough, it's even funnier.

6. People who try to feed napkins to giraffes should probably be contained in zoo cages labeled "complete morons".

And now I must steel myself for a nice, long run around the park. I was out of town and didn't watch whatever Syfy had to offer this week, but you can bet your Someli Ass that I will be watching next week. Syfy has promised to offer up "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus"!! I am in no way missing that.

that's nobody's business but the Turks

Friday, August 21, 2009

It's International Fail Day!!

It is! "What??" you ask? You mean to tell me you didn't know it was International Fail Day? Honestly, neither did I! Although, to be perfectly clear, I think it only applies to me. So you can stop worrying, breathe a sigh of relief, and just be happy you're not me.

Oddly, I've quickly grown accustomed to being very productive at work--getting a lot accomplished, and feeling happy that I've done so. Sure, there have been days less productive than others, but I always get something useful done.

Today is much different. I've not actually fixed any problems, nor have I really accomplished anything. I worked on a couple of problems, to no avail, and I tried to construct a conference room PC, but I can't even get that done properly. So, I mean, I guess I've worked on some things, but nothing actually got accomplished.

This irritates me.

It feels like I could have just stayed home and watched TV all day and still gotten the same amount of work done. That activity may have been a bit more monotonous, but at least it wouldn't be quite so disappointing. I mean, when you watch TV all day, you expect to get nothing done. What irritates me more is that, while the weekend is quickly approaching, I'm constantly going to be frustrated until I get back into the office on Monday and actually do something.


By the hands of doom

Thursday, August 20, 2009

What to Blog About

So, with the new job comes less time. I knew this would be the case, but the tradeoff is more than worth it. This job is the polar opposite of my last job. Instead of coming in and doing a wee bit of work and spending the rest of the time pissing around, I find myself working most of the day with very little time to collect my thoughts. This really is a first. Even when I worked front-line phone support for Datastorm, I had plenty of time to relax, since most calls were handled quickly and easily. Those callers who had serious problems tended to ramble, and I was good at doing multiple things at once.

Now I find myself being so busy during the day that I feel starved for creative thought. But when I get home, I don't want to spend the time and energy on creative outlets. I like to spend time with my family and then, later at night, simply "turn off". I am guessing I'll find the balance at some point, but there is this urgent need to touch up a particular piece of writing and try to get it submitted. Unfortunately, I loathe editing, and I would have to actually edit two different documents--one in word, and one online. It's a pain.

The awesome summer weather we have been having has, unfortunately, been not-so-awesome to my garden. It has been a cool, wet summer. It's most certainly not pool weather. I can't complain, however, because I'm not a huge fan of summer, and the current weather patterns please me to no end. But they do not please the vegetables. The vegetables are displeased. The vegetables of spoken!

I should come out of it all with plenty of jalapenos. That's about it. There are a butt-ton of tomatoes on the vines, but none of them are growing very large, nor are they ripening. The couple of bell pepper plants that survived are just now producing, but the peppers are, thus far, quite small. The one brussels sprout plant that currently lives is going apeshit, but not producing anything but leaves. The only plant that seems to have absolutely no problem with the current conditions is the garlic. It likes wet, cool conditions, being a bulb. We'll see if it actually comes through.

I'm getting an itch. My current gaming rig is almost five years old and, while it still operates very swiftly (I build them to last), it is beginning to fall behind my baseline for adequate gaming capacity. I definitely got my money's worth out of it, and it's still a really nice PC. But, again, it's five years old. So I'm starting the search for new computer parts. Many of them can be purchased piecemeal--the case and power supply, for example. I have an extra, pretty good sound card as well. So if I do as I did last time, and purchase one component every so often, then it will hurt less when I need to buy the crucial components. I'm literally salivating at what's out there, though, because I'm still running off a single-core AMD 2.0 GHz running SATA1 hard drives!

They came from the north, and they came from the south

Monday, August 17, 2009

Ha, I Forgot the Title

At this moment, there seems to be a plethora of tiny things going on, but nothing horribly major. I feel like the fleas of life are all biting at me, demanding my attention. We're preparing for G's return to school, and T's first year of preschool. And, believe me, we're all ready for it. I imagine us all as rabid dogs, waiting to leap upon a piece of raw meat labeled "school." Yes, I definitely think we are all ready for school to start up again. Work has been incredibly busy for me, and probably will keep up the same pace for a while, yet.

GenCon has come and gone. I was trying to be on the "every other year" plan but decided not to attend this year either. Hopefully next year! Some friends and I got together and did some RPG gaming to try to make up for missing the convention. It wasn't as good as actually being there, but it was fun as hell. My St. Louis group of friends is vastly different from any of the friends I have in town. When it comes to gaming, I tend toward the St. Louis group mindset. We don't take games too seriously--we joke and laugh, but we also really get into the games. We don't generally care who wins, either. As a result, we have a phenomenal time, no matter what we're playing. A good time was had by all!

We played some 4e D&D. This was my first experience playing 4e. I'm a staunch 3.5 supporter. Sure, it has its problems, but they've never been very big. So's fun. It's not D&D, though. It's a boardgame made from a videogame. It just felt...foreign, somehow. It was like I was eating something I was told was a Hot Wing, but it was really a Hot Wing-flavored cat turd. Maybe not a turd...maybe a piece of celery instead. Anyway, the game itself was much more fun than the system. It was titled "That's so Ravenloft".

And we also played Trail of Cthulhu. Cthulhu is always fun to play, since it's more "roleplaying" and very little "rollplaying". And this session didn't disappoint. In fact, it went way beyond expectations with some special tie-in's to [message redacted to eliminate spoilers]. Fanfreakingtastic. It kept the mood perfectly and had all of the players rivited. Total awesome.

Some people hate Mondays. I've always known that Sundays were possibly my least favorite day of the week. I'm not really sure why. I tend to be a bit cranky on Sundays. I think, traditionally, it is because they're always seemed a bit boring. These days, however, they tend to be the most turbulent day of the week. See, we never really know how G is going to behave. Sometimes she's perfectly good. Sometimes she's very difficult. But, most of the time, she's both. So Sundays can be just all around unpleasant. I guess, at least, there's football. :D

I din't watch no SyFy movie this week because I was all up in the gaming, yo. But I'm sure the movie was top-knotch...seriously.

Those barricades can only hold for so long

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Football, Huzzah!

Today is the Hall of Fame Game. It's the first NFL game of the season. Sure, it's preseason, so it really can't be considered real football by any stretch of the imagination. More often than not, it's a bunch of scrubs bouncing around like BB's in a bathtub, dropping the ball and getting decapitated, but it's football!! The drought is over, the pads are on, and the season will start soon enough.

So I finally bit the bullet...I jumped on the bandwagon yesterday and started a Facebook page. I'm still not really sure why I did this. Mostly, I think, it was to make I can keep in touch with the billions of friends that have Facebook and post updates that way. I'm not that much of a social networking person but, hopefully, this will allow me to keep in the loop better. I don't plan on updating a whole lot or on a regular basis. I generally tend to have better things to do, like watching grass grow or watching paint dry.

Not much else to say, so we move on...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Infestation
So...giant bugs. It's tough to go wrong with giant bugs. Well, I guess if you were to make a movie about giant ladybugs, it would fail. But, otherwise, WIN!

The movie stars nobody you would have heard of, but in this case, that's not necessarily a bad thing. It centers around Cooper, an office geek who has the social skills of a retarded hamster. Basically, it's a completely normal day until there is an ear-piercing shriek, and Cooper later wakes up to find everyone has been put to sleep and cocooned. He spends some time rescuing people as well as watching some people get munched by bugs, and the party really gets going.

The characters themselves are awesome. You've got the mute, supposedly mentally slow guy, the cold, supposedly unfeeling love interest, the military father, the batshit insane weathergirl, and many more! Act now and we'll throw in a free giant bug! Though I really still have questions as to why the weathergirl was crazy...maybe she just snapped because of all that was going on? But that was really the only hangup I had.

The movie was totally enjoyable--cheesy, retarded, and full of giant bug goodness. It ranks up there as one of my all-time favorites.

So here are the Drive-In Totals:
Crazy weathergirls: 1
Human-hybrid bugs: 4
Dog-hybrid bugs: 1
Naked boobs: 2
Bug claw-fu
Bug juice
People juice

5 stars

They could care less

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Warped. Definitely Warped

Below is a perfect example of what I find absolutely hilarious. No, I definitely didn't come up with it or take the picture. But a picture like this is something that keeps me laughing all freaking day! Sometimes into the night...usually those times, I end up laughing in bed with the lights off, an irritated (or slightly amused) wife next to me.
Again, I had nothing to do with this picture. And I would have just linked to it if it would've worked, but it didn't, so I didn't link to it. So, nya.

I'm not going to rant about how much I a) loathe August, b) love football and c) look forward to my favorite holiday, Halloween. I feel like I already do this way too much. I'm sick, yes. But I also enjoy watching little previews of upcoming TV shows, and betting on which ones will be canceled!

So onto...

SyFy Pictures, we were out of town this week so nobody watched it. But wait, I'll give you my version of it! Here's what probably happened...

Two hapless people are wandering around, they unearth a hideous, ancient evil that runs amock. The military can't stop it because bullets are useless. It turns out, the least likely reject in the nearest town either a) has the power to stop it somehow or b) has found the one object that stops it. Either way, the military will probably throw lots of bombs at it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Feel the calling of a miracle