Sunday, September 27, 2009

Run, Forrest, Run!

It was 7:00. The sun was nowhere to be found, obscured by an angry, cloudy sky that poured down rain upon everyone in a torrent of cold liquid. It was also rather chilly--not the ideal conditions for a half-marathon, but it was a little late to be thinking about that.

The rain continued off and on for about an hour. Sometimes it really hammered us. Luckily I was beneath a canopy of trees for much of the heaviest stuff. I didn't really care much about the rain--it kept me cool--but I didn't want my iPhone to be destroyed. Luckily, it survived.

There were five spots throughout the race where live bands were playing (beneath shelters or tents, of course). I thought that was a really nice addition. And they were all quite good! But I couldn't stick around to listen for very long.

Now, I'm not sure who came up with this course, but I seriously think they need to be shot...about 50 times. It started out easy enough. Then I got to the first hill. It quickly came to be known as "Holy Crap Hill". It was steep and it was long. But the worst was over, right?

Wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong if it was the wrongest day of the wrongest month and I had an automatic wronging machine. I came upon the next hill quickly and dubbed it "You've Got to be Kidding Hill". Then came "WTF Hill". I lost count of just how many hills there were, but I know there was one more after that, and I called it "Somebody Shoot Me Hill". Seriously. These hills were insane. I've never seen a course with so many killer hills. 635 people ran the half-marathon. I'm pretty sure 400 of them perished along the way.

But I finished. I finished with a time of 1:54:09--about 3 minutes better than last year (and on a harder course to boot!). I placed 135th out of those 635 people. I was disappointed not to get a medal when I finished. I got a pint glass instead--an empty pint glass, no less!

K ran the 10K and finished in 1:15, which was 15 minutes off her normal time! Totally, 100% win!

I didn't watch SyFy's lame "Children of the Corn" remake last night. I had better things to do like sleep.

Have I got a long way to run

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Put This In Your Pipe...

Dear InBev,

There is no gentle way to say this, so I'll just say it. Your Bud Light "Jimmy Football" ads suck. Okay okay, I know that the term "suck" is really not constructive criticism. Sorry, I got carried away there. I'll try to be more descriptive...

Your "Jimmy Football" ads inhale briskly. They inhale briskly more than most any ads I've ever seen. They're so bad that they have probably inhaled briskly around many other, much better ads. Your ads sit in a bathroom stall just waiting to inhale briskly when another advertisement walks in to take a pee. Seriously. You used to have such imaginative, funny ads. What genius came up with this ad campaign? You should find them, flog them, give them a swirlie, hang them, then draw and quarter them. Oh, and burn their body parts when you're done. At the very least, fire their ass.

And you know that garbage you feature in these ads--the "grooler" and the "foozie"? Yeah, those. You actually think anyone's going to want to buy any of that schlock? Yes, I'm aware that you are indeed actually selling those things. And they're about as worthwhile as Kanye West turds...which are pretty much worth the same as Kanye West himself. Coincidentally, he also inhales briskly.

In conclusion...ditch the ad campaign now. Hell, go back to the "ability to speak with animals" and the dog that shouts "sausages" over and over again. I still find that one hilarious.

In other news...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Open Graves.
Eliza Dushku stars in this latest effort from the Syfy network. I have one question...what the hell was she thinking? Maybe she didn't think Dollhouse was going to last another season (and it almost didn't) or she was just bored or whatnot but...wow. She probably could have made a better decision. But we'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was drunk at the time...and high...and half-asleep...and tied up at gunpoint, forced to make this movie...and...well, you get the idea.

So a group of surfers stumbles across a game that looks innocuous enough but, much like that tiki idol from the Brady Bunch Goes to Hawaii, it holds a sinister secret--something so dark that the world could end if it was ever discovered. Yes, that's right...the game has several late movies to return to the video store! Oh, and it also kills someone every time it's played. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah, that too. But did I mention that it comes with a free frogurt?? Eh?? Pretty sweet, right? Also, if you win the game, you get to make one wish and it comes true.

So, of course, the slackers play the game...then start dying. Some of them die in very "Final Destination"ish ways while others just die in stupid ones. Then there's this creepy cop who has basically turned bad. He wants the game to bring back his dead brother...or bring back the New Coke. I forget which. Mind you, I fiddled on Facebook with my iPhone for a few minutes, so I may have missed the details.

Anyway, lots of stupid surfer kids die, one guy finally wins the game and, as K called the shot, wishes "it was a week ago and we hadn't played this game!" Well, duh...his wish comes true and the movie starts over. Tasty pick, bonehead.

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Death by snakes: 1
Death by surfing: 1
Death by car: 1
Death by gunshot: 1
Death by lots of other ways when I wasn't paying attention: Lots

Watch his every move

Saturday, September 19, 2009

If I Had a Random...

Not only is today International Talk Like a Pirate Day, but today also appears to be Crabwalk Saturday!! Well, it is at our house. I came up with the idea--probably as a way to avoid a child explosion, --and now it has stuck. So, today, we're walking around like crabs for no apparent reason. Closely related to Monkay Walk Saturday (which we have yet to enact), it is kind of a funny idea. But, man, it taks forever to get anywhere in the house!!

I kinda think I want to see Zombieland. I have but one hangup. Well, two hangups. First, the price of movies...damn! I still haven't paid off the loan I took out to see "Up!" (which I thoroughly enjoyed, btw). Also, the movie has Woody Harrelson in it. There really aren't many actors that drive my decision to see a movie or not. Very few indeed. But something in my brain is triggered whenever I see or hear about Woody Harrelson. It's almost as if I was secretly imprisoned in a laboratory somewhere and conditioned to not like the guy. I'm not sure if it was the movie Natural Born Killers that did it to me or not. Whatever did it to me, it happened, and I am destined to not like the guy. Anyway, the movie looks entertaining. The suck factor is high but I'm willing to take a chance on it.

Juliette Lewis (also in Natural Born Killers) also repulsed me.

I bought a used copy of F.E.A.R. for the 360. When Halloween comes around, I enjoy finding a suitably creepy game, turning off all the lights, and playing it in solitude. It's been a long time since I found a decent scary game that I could afford. Viva la used games!!

Today is the last weekend of summer! This year, I can't really complain about summer much. There was plenty of rain and the temperatures were relatively cool. It was a little tough trying to make it to the pool, so the girls were probably a bit disappointed, but I rarely had to cut the grass and, when I did so, I didn't sweat like Homer Simpson chasing a donut. But now it's time to usher in Autumn. We've already got football and even falling leaves. Now we just need the Autumn temperatures (though it's only getting up to 78 or so currently).

Next weekend is the half-marathon. Both K and I are really stoked! Exercise is always much easier for me when I've got something to work for. Since the beginning of summer, I have knocked a little over a minute off of my speed per mile! Sure, I probably could have done better but I am not really trying to win this race. I'd prefer simply to finish without having to crawl across the finish line. I average around 7:50 per mile now and I can do even better when the temperature is around 60-65 degrees.

Yeah you leave, you're gone

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Let's Do This

So I got a bug up my butt. No, it's not a hygiene issue, but I can definitely understand what brought you to that conclusion. A while back, I promised myself that I would write a story specifically with publishing in mind. I set a deadline and I met that deadline.

But I failed to take into account the most painstaking part of writing--the editing. If writing is like letting creativity flow freely from my brain to create a wonderful work of art, editing is like taking that creativity and curbstomping it...then lighting it on fire, laughing at it and, finally, pouring sugar in its gas tank.

But I finally bit the bullet and did some editing. I don't feel it really needed all that much, so I got off lucky. But I also feel really good because, now, I can hopefully try to get it published. We'll see what comes of it.

I'm getting the urge to write again. I had a good story idea pop into my head during one of my runs. Hopefully I'll get to that soon, and it'll be as good as I think it will be.

In two weeks I am running a half-marathon. I ran it last year without much training and while I was on the tail end of a cold. I feel I am much better prepared this year and I'm really jazzed about it. I doubt I would work so hard to stay in shape if I didn't have something to work toward. Well, maybe if someone dangled a plate of Hot Wings in front of me and made me run towards it...yeah, that would definitely get me running. But once I finally caught up, I'd probably beat the person who taunted me. That would also be good exercise.

I didn't watch the Syfy movie this week--it was something about living lightning...looked suitably bad. Instead I listened to my beloved Mizzou Tigers almost lose to the Bowling Green Somethingorothers. The Tigers won, mind you...but it was not a stellar performance. The game was kind of like two dudes falling off a building...and one grabs the other to use as a cushion. Not pretty. Not pretty at all, I assure you.

Then we smashed our shit