Monday, December 27, 2010

So this was Christmas

Time was spent with family, presents have been unwrapped, and much food was eaten...then some more was eaten and, after some coffee, more was eaten.

Then I ate a little more. But there was Chinese food involved, so of course I was hungry soon after! Duh.

I put out the Mizzou flag for the Insight Bowl last night and forgot to bring it in. When I went to get it this morning, it was gone. Reason #251 why I would like to move out of any kind of neighborhood. I'm a sucky neighbor, and my neighbors all suck.

Not really much else to say except...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Shark Swarm
This four-hour toothy extravaganza stars John Schneider, Daryl Hannah, and Armand Assante. That's right...Bo Duke, a mermaid, I don't really know what Armand Assante's been in, but I've heard the name before.

What do you get when you combine these three actors, a sleepy town by the bay, and a bunch of pissed off sharks? You get FOUR HOURS OF BOREDOM! Yes...four hours. I may have thought more of this movie if it had been the standard, two-hour fare--and it should've been. But it wasn't. And I cried.

So this sleepy town by the bay has a problem. Yep, you guessed it--sharks. Well, okay...two problems. First there are the sharks, then there is also this a-hole (Assante) who is buying up all the land in the area so he can put up condos. Oh, but wait. There is a third problem! The fishing industry has gone to pot--there appears to be no fish in the bay at all anymore! Oh no! A fourth problem?? The sharks are constipated! Well, maybe not...but who's going to ask them to provei t?

It seems that someone is leaking toxic chemicals into the bay and killing off all the fish while also somehow pissing off the sharks, causing them to swarm and eat anything in sight. Now, in normal movies, this would mutate the sharks into some strange hybrids that could shoot lasers and predict lottery numbers. Maybe that would've required a four-hour movie. But in this movie, they just get pissed off and hungry. Two hours, max.

So basically, for four hours, everyone runs around, not realizing there are sharks that are eating people. John Schneider goes berserk and hulks out a couple of times, Daryl Hannah stays on land and doesn't grow a mermaid tail, and the sharks...they eat people...sometimes.

There really isn't any more to say about this movie. Those four hours felt like four days. I had to go to therapy afterward, but I'm recovering nicely. Thanks for asking.

So here are your Drive-in Totals:
  • Duke boys: 1
  • Uncle Jesses: 0
  • Mermaids: 0
  • Sharks: 0 --They were all CGI and it was all the same footage
  • Contrived plots: 1
  • Munching
  • Swarming
  • Gun-fu
  • Cage-fu

5 billion stars. (Really only 2, but we're rating this movie by the hour)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

If You Want Rambling...

So the "Dear Playstation" ads continue to crack me up. I have nothing against the PS3 so don't crucify me when I say that I have no desire to own one. But the commercials are truly excellent. Kudos to whatever ad agency came up with those.

The rapping Kia hamsters, on the other hand...they really need to die in a tire fire. Would you like to go to the land of fiery-do? Your mother will not mind at all if you do!

I'm already starting to feel bored with running indoors, on a treadmill, while looking out at darkness. But, on the other hand, I'm really not missing having to cut the grass! I've been trying to push myself on the treadmill, however. It's easier to get a good workout when you know how fast you're going and on what grade you're running. I just wish I could actually go somewhere. Sure, the treadmills have little TVs in them but I found out, long ago, that those devices are only there to make me lose my balance and go flailing, only to land in a pile of spindly arms and legs on the coold, hard, floor.

I've managed to eek out a bit more writing and think that my next shortstory will be somewhere near the relative "complete" stage soon. I've really been slacking for a while. I've got a ton of different, very shiny things to which I can devote my attention and, these days, writing often takes a back seat or gets buried under a pile of thousands of tasty, competing stimuli. Either that or I just have one bad attention deficit. :)

So here's one of my favorite bits from the short-lived "Greg the Bunny" show:

And then there was...

Syfy Saturday: Ice quake
There is only one person in this movie you may have heard of: Brendan Fehr. He's done a lot of crime drama work and apparently was in some "Roswell" show I never watched. Otherwise this movie stars nobody...unless you count ice and hordes of cow farts.

See, the cow farts (well, okay, it's liquid methane, but still) are trapped in caves underneath a mountain. Don't ask me how the cows put them there...just go with it. I mean, really--better down there than where we have to deal with them.

Rewind to the main dude and his family--they're traveling up the mountain to pick out and chop down a Christmas tree...on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve--really? Shouldn't you have a tree by now? What kind of a deadbeat family are you!? You don't wait that long to get a tree! If anything bad happens on this mountain, you deserve what you--

And of course something bad happens. I mean, the movie isn't called "Puppies Chasing Kittens" is it? No. It's called ICE FREAKING QUAKE! So I wanna see some ice and some quakes!

Which is exactly what happens--though it's not really very cool. The (crappy CGI) ground splits open, the earth shakes, and the cow flatus reservoir begins to surface. But you know what they say...he who smelt it--well, I digress. So the kids get split up from the parents, everyone makes some really bad decisions, they meet up with a team of nerds that all quickly get killed off and then the day is saved...with explosives, of course. It would've been a stretch to somehow get nukes into the picture, but apparently a petroleum explosion (or a few) did the trick. Huzzah! Random People: 1. Cows and their farts: 0

So here are your Drive-In Totals:
  • Idiot family: 1
  • Helicoptersicles: 1
  • Crappy snow shelters: 1
  • Idiot dogs who get needlessly lost in the snow but return miraculously at the end of the movie: 1 (because you just can't kill the dog. We learned that from "Independence Day".)
  • Frozen corpses: 1
  • Nerd-slaughtering
  • Building-trashing
  • Ice-fu
  • Snow-fu
  • Crack-fu (Yes, crack-fu)

2 stars

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Random Bits

Honestly, I don't have a whole lot to talk about at the moment. It's mostly a bunch of random bits...a hotdog of words, if you will.

  • Halloween was awesome. I miss the nonstop horror movies now that it's over.
  • The NFL football season is crazy this year. Possibly the best reality show ever.
  • Found a neat little iPhone/iPod/iPad app called "Zumocast". Lets you, on your phone, play any song from any of your PCs anywhere as long as everything is connected to the Internet.
  • Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!'s been coming since, like, July. No surprise there.
  • I am extremely glad elections are over. Now we can watch all the pinheads who got elected fail miserably and go back on all their promises.
  • Now is the time of year when I long for a wood fireplace...again.

Really, that was all just an excuse to get to...

Syfy Pictures Presents: "The Lost Future"

This little piece of genius stars Sean Bean (whom I did not recognize at all until just now). All I can think about is how he was on set, probably yelling "I was BOROMIR, dammit!" But why shouldn't he do Syfy movies? John Rhys-Davies went the same route--from LoTR to Syfy. Yeah, we see how that turned out.

So I missed the first 10 minutes of the movie, but I don't think it mattered. Apparently, civilization is in ruins. I'm guessing someone accidentally pushed "the button" or let the bees out or just listened to a lot of 80's music and, bam! Mutants! I know, you're saying "No!!! Not mutants!!" Yes...mutants. You knew they were coming. Why mutants? Because zombies are everywhere. So I guess Syfy felt they had to switch it up.

So a village gets wiped out by mutants and its survivors are cowering in a cave. They're infected and are going to also turn into mutants. Three people escape--handsome dude #1, handsome dude #2, and cute chick in hot pants. Of course, they're also infected. And thus begins their quest to not turn into mutants! They skip through verdant fields, holding hands and singing songs while meeting people along the way and being chased by mutants. Actually, they simply do a lot of running, screaming, and probably some peeing.

But wait! OMG! There is a yellow powder that, when inhaled, cures the affliction and makes you immune! Hope for humanity! Basically, mutants = cocaine addicts going through withdrawal! That mindset makes the movie more entertaining. So, basically, this movie should be called "The Lost Stash".

Here are your Drive-in Totals:

  • Teenagers on a quest 3
  • Horrible, awful mutants: the whole world
  • Asshole rulker who hordes 1
  • Dudes who can read: 1
  • Arrows Sean Bean gets hit with...again: 1
  • Rock-fu
  • Arrow-fu
  • Mutant-fu
  • Beheading
  • Powder-snorting

2 1/2 stars

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

It's definitely time

The leaves are falling, the air is getting crisp, the children can't sit's time for their dentist appointments! Oh, no,'s almost time for Halloween.

First of all, I'd really like to give thanks to AMC who sees fit every year to play horror movies for two weeks. Seriously, the rest of the TV stations need to step up, grow a pair, and play me some damned horror movies! And, Syfy, "Giant Banana Slug vs. Giant Dung Beetle" does not count as a horror movie. Hell, it barely counts as a movie! Oh, and get that horrid "Ghost Hunters" and "Destination Truth" bullshit off the air. Seriously? That's horrible, not horror. Unless the banana sluck wears a mask and wields a knife...then it's just hilarious.

No, I'm talking about the originals--"A Nightmare on Elm Street", "Friday the 13th" and, possibly my all-time favorite, "Halloween". Though I haven't actually seen "A Nightmare on Elm Street" on TV in a long time.

So, yeah, AMC. Not only have they been playing nonstop horror movies, but they've been including commentary from directors and actors called "Killer Conversations". My favorite segment was banter between Kane Hodder (the guy who played Jason Voorhees) and Tony Moran (the guy who played Michael Meyers). They were like little kids, giddy about the movies and comparing their "favorite kills". Also, they have these two guys recreating classic horror movies in their garage. Hilarious.

Good times.

Also, we made our annual pilgrimage to the pumpkin patch. Much fun was had by all. What cracked me up is the amount of attention the girls gave to a black cat roaming the grounds. Like we don't have two of those already! Though, to be fair, ours are losers. And everyone loves a winner! Below I've included pics that I shamelessly yoinked from K's blog post.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Game Over

My Extra Life game marathon came to an end around 7:30 Saturday night and, I think, was a complete success. Sure, nobody was "checking up" on me to see if I actually played for 24 hours straight. I mean, sometimes I did feel like I was being watched, but that might have just been fatigue...or not. Anyway, I only needed a really small excuse to game for 24 hours, so it worked out well.

I played through Halo: Reach, Halo: Combat Evolved, Halo 2, Halo: ODST, and most of the "Sierra 117" level of Halo 3. I could've gotten a little bit further if I hadn't stopped every so often to experiment in the games. These were my "I wonder what happens if I do this" moments. And, more often than not, they resulted in "Oh, I die" moments. At 10:00 in the morning after you've been gaming since 7:00 pm the previous night, moments like this can inspire quite a bit of slap-happy laughter.

I drank a lot of caffeine and didn't really start wilting until around 4 pm (with only about three hours to go). The nighttime and early morning hours flew by, with the rest of the time sort of dragging. I often found myself thinking I was almost done with one of the games, only to realize "Oh, I still have that level to play through."

I also took about an hour off of the Halo games to play Starcraft 2 with some friends online. We promptly sucked ass, then one of their connections dropped, so I returned to my Halofest.

There were also a couple of times where I felt I really should get out and get some exercise but, given the sleep deprivation, I decided I really wouldn't get very far anyway. I also wondered if I might get sore thumbs from the Xbox controller. There were many times, back in the NES and Super NES days, when I would get "Nintendo Thumb" (related to 'Mouse Claw" from playing too much Diablo) but my thumbs were sturdy and held fast. I also wondered if My Xbox would put up with being on for 24 hours, but it performed admirably. Not only does it play games, but it doubles as a fancy space heater!

In the end, money was raised and games were around 3400 gamers. I had an awesome time, and will probably do it again next year if I can get a team case I need another excuse to stay up all night playing videogames. Perhaps Minecraft for 24 hours straight?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Maximum Halo in 24 hours

Tonight at 7:00 I embark upon a noble cause--playing videogames for 24 hours. No, wait...the noble cause is the "Extra Life" charity to benefit the Children's Miracle Network. I got my pledges. Now it's time for me to man up my ass in a chair for 24 hours and play video games. Seriously? I'd do that or no. That's assuming I can stay awake for it all, considering I will actually be up for close to 36 hours, not just 24.

Anyway, tonight is the night--7:00 pm Friday night to 7:00 pm Saturday night. And my plan is to play through as many Halo games as I can manage. I figure that I can get through most of them assuming my brain doesn't ooze out my eye sockets or my cat doesn't kill me due to lack of attention.

In actuality, I've always wanted to know if I could pull a 24-hour game marathon and I guess I will find out soon. I'll be sure to be fully stocked with snacks and drinks, and maybe a cattle prod to jolt me awake if I start to fall asleep.

Let the games begin!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Why do I do this?

A friend recently told K "when I was in the army, we were told that 80% of civilians can't run a mile." I find this to be a positive thing. Why? Well, those 80% will become the living dead when the zombie apocalypse happens, and I'll be totally safe! That also translates into slow, out-of-shape zombies, so they'll be easy to pick off!

This weekend was the Roots N' Blues N' Barbeque Half-Marathon. I ran it. I have run it (or its predecessor) for a few years now. The results are as follows:

So it went well--not as well as last year, but well. I did stop and walk a few times. The hills during the second half of the run are really brutal. Whoever came up with this course should be killed a minimum of three times. The have no business planning half-marathons. In fact, I'm willing to bet that whoever planned this course will be one of the zombies during the apocalypse.

So there are a few things I can take away from this year's run:
  • The perfect breakfast after a half-marathon is barbeque. Totally.
  • Rockstar Lemonade tastes like three different kinds of ass. It was free and it's normally about $4 a can. So, sure, it's liquid gold...that tastesl ike three different varieties of ass.
  • Even though I didn't do as well as last year, I am still very pleased with my performance.
  • If you're going to have a pace runner...make sure said pace runner is actually running the pace he's marked to run. Seriously. If you're a 1 hr 45 min. pace runner, don't make me think I'm doing really awesome when I pass you. Move your lousy ass!
  • K did better than last year, and she totally rocks.
  • There is nothing like a pumpkin latte after a half-marathon.

Also, yesterday, G and I went looking for Halloween decorations and horror movies. Both searches were met with such disappointing lameness that I am thoroughly saddened. The decorations this year a really sad. There is nothing realy inspired or awesome and even some of the usual staples aren't around. And as far as finding good, classic horror movies goes it was even worse. Try to find the original "Halloween" or "Halloween 2" and you will be disappointed. I mean, seriously? I did find "Baseketball" on DVD for $5, so the search wasn't all bad.

And then there's...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Graves

It really says something about a movie when you can't find it on IMDB. This particular gem stars nobody you've heard of except maybe Tony Todd (yes, The Candyman). There are very few main characters, actually, and most everyone gets killed off in the first 30 minutes.

But I digress.

So two sisters are roadtripping to...well, I have no idea where. But they stop in a little town called "Unity" where they meet all sorts of freakshows, including the town preacher (Tony Todd). They are directed to a popular local tourist trap--an old mine. This is when the shit hits the fan, people start dying, and the "I don't get what's going on here" starts flowing like beer from a keg.

This blacksmith dude is running around the mine, killing people but telling them that he doesn't enjoy it. Then his brother comes along and starts killing people, only he says that enjoys it. There's a psycho lady called "Mama" running around as well. Though, really, the only thing truly psycho about her is her red teeth. Don't get me wrong...that's pretty nasty to begin with.

As it turns out...and this is a shocker...the entire town is in on it! Didn't see that coming? What? Were you flipping channels again? So, yeah. The entire town must harvest souls for a local demon who hangs out there. And the demon has this really nasty armpit odor that causes people to go all psycho and attack anything that moves. So, yeah.

Oh, and the movie is called "Graves" because the two sisters share the last name of "Graves". Yep, that's it.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:

  • Stupid tourists: 4
  • Stupid sisters: 2
  • Demons who need to shower: 1
  • Harvested souls: the entire damn town of Unity
  • Knitting needle-fu
  • Stick-fu
  • Scythe-fu
  • Blood-spewing
  • Gun-in-the-face

3 stars

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Subject to Availability, Not Valid in Rhode Island

So last night I participated in what might be my last "Midnight Release" for a video game. I had mixed feelings about the whole event and almost didn't go. But, since it's very possible it will be my last, I figured I'd stick it out.

First, let's get something out of the way. I played about 45 minutes of Halo: Reach last night and loved it. Alright, we're done with that part.

Back when PC gaming was booming and the Xbox wasn't even a glimmer in Bill Gates' eye, video games were in high demand on the first day of their release. This meant there was a decent chance, if you didn't hurry your ass to the store, you wouldn't get your prized video game because they would all sell out like steaks at a T-Rex convention.

I remember several games that fell into this category--Diablo, Diablo II, and the original Starcraft are the ones that come to mind. I remember going to the mall at lunch just to procure my "collector's edition" before they were all gone. This was before online shopping became ubiquitous, and before preorders really existed at all. And the collector's editions sometimes weren't all that special. But you were often lucky to get the regular edition of the game. Sure you could try to "reserve" a copy of the game but that sometimes had disastrous results.

I barely knew what Halo: Combat Evolved was when I received it as a gift. For Halo 2, I ordered the collector's edition from Amazon. But I was so excited to play it that I also went to a Midnight release and bought the standard copy of the game. I went to Halo 3's, Halo ODST's, and now Halo: Reach's Midnight releases. I almost went to Starcraft II's Midnight release but skipped out on it.

Why? Well, first of all, I knew I would get my copy of the game. I had put money down on it; it was reserved for me, guaranteed. I was really excited to play it, but I knew it was mine. I'd tear the arms off of anyone who said otherwise.

The second, and most important reason, is because the Midnight releases aren't really all that exciting. The release for Halo 2 was fun. there was a huge line (I was near the front) and we sat in the mall for hours, talking about "dual-wielding" and other such nerdy subjects. The game store passed out sodas and balloons and asked trivia questions--lame questions, but it was kinda fun. Everyone was abuzz with excitement. I'm pretty sure someone peed themself. Maybe not, but they should have. I should have demanded such.

The downside to this method, while fun, is that people cut in line because their friends had been there, saving their spot. It gets chaotic when the doors finally open, and angry mobs are definitely a possibility. You've got hundreds of tired, hungry, excited, and probably sweaty and overweight gamers who WANT THE GAME. They want to be the first to get it, especially if there is the possibility of free swag etc.

So, for Halo 3, things got more organized. I have to admire the system but, at the same time, it was not nearly exciting. There was still electricity in the air but it was more from a 9-volt battery instead of from a power plant. The game store let us pay off the game in groups and then assigned us group numbers that would be called to actually get the game. This meant we didn't have to wait around all night. So a couple of friends and I went to a bar, then returned to pick up the game.

Halo ODST was mostly a no-show. I got in, got the game, and got out in less than an hour.

So fast forward to last night and Halo: Reach's Midnight release. I've been heavy into Starcraft 2, and the Chiefs are playing the Arrowhead...opening night...on Monday Night Football. Despite having multiple other things to do, I still feel compelled to go to the Midnight release of Halo: Reach.

There are several things I notice about this release:

1. I am perhaps one of the oldest people in the group. I feel a little out of place.
2. The line is longer than I expected.
3. Many of the people in line are your archetypal videogamer--overweight, floppy-haired, teenaged. One of them keeps bumping into me. He's had too much caffeine. I briefly consider punching him in the kidney, but think better of it. He'll need both those kidneys later in life at the rate he's going.
4. So many people are staring at their phones, doing stuff. Me included. I'm using my phone to track the Chiefs game.
5. This is not a fun line. This line is business only. These people (again, me included) want their game and then want to go home and play it. I want my game so I can watch the Chiefs win, then play it.
6. The line is moving extremely slowly. I've never seen any preorder line move this slowly.

So, really, the Midnight release wasn't fun, save for the anticipation and excitement of getting the game. Most games that I want I am not as passionate about so I doubt that I will see another Midnight release in my liftetime.

Though I would consider a Duke Nukem Midnight release...if that game was to ever actually get made.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Rash, The Time Machine

Last night I had the pleasure of spending an evening at Riverport Amphitheater (yes, I still consider it "Riverport Amphitheater", not "Verizon Wireless Shameless Promotion Palace") to take in the wonderful music of Rush.

It was just about 15 years ago that I made my one and only trip to see the same band perform on the "Test for Echo" tour. I became a Rush fan in college when my roommate stuck in Chronicles, Disc 2 and pushed "random". I'd heard a few Rush songs before--mostly Tom Sawyer and a few songs from "Hold your Fire", but they never really cemented in my brain. But the song that came on in my dorm room that day instantly stuck with me, and I had to hear more.


It only snowballed from there, and I was very much overjoyed when I had the opportunity to see Rush for the first time. I've never been an avid concert attendee and, while I definitely enjoyed the show, I don't think I appreciated it nearly as much as I could have. I left the show satisfied, but that was about it.

This time was a much different experience. From the beginning of "Spirit of Radio" to the end of "Working Man", I was sucked in. I've listened to so much Rush for so long, it almost felt as if I was just hanging out with three friends. They took me through all of these songs that I've listened to for years, telling their stories and wowing me with their unbeatable talents. Watching each one of them play their instruments is like watching the pinnacle of skill, and they make it look effortless. It was at this concert that I realized that these three guys are my musical idols. I wish I could do what these guys do--and I don't even play drums or bass. But they make me want to. And now I want to pick up my lonely guitar in the corner and just start playing.

And they really know how to put on a show. There is no opening band--there never is. Rush puts their hearts and souls into each show, and they stick it out for three and a half hours. The tickets may not be cheap but Rush makes sure you get more than your money's worth by entertaining you with humor, visuals and, of course, badass music. I left the concert both satisfied and yet still wanting some more. I listened to all of my Rush albums randomized both on the way to the concert and on the way home.

A much different experience indeed.

And the best part--I finally got to see and hear "Subdivisions", performed live, right in front of me.

After that, the concert could have ended and I would have filed out of the venue with the masses, wandered to the car, and driven home in the dead of night, listening to Rush...all with a big fat smile on my face.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Thundergeeks, HO!

There are very few places I've visited or hung out where I truly felt I was "around my own kind", for lack of a better term. "Sure," you're thinking, "he's probably an alien and he's uneasy in most Earthling situations." If that is what you're thinking, then I need your full address because my mission here on Earth cannot be compromised by some snot-nosed little know-it-all who has seen through my disguise and--er...nevermind.

I recently returned home from Gen Con Indy and, I must say, I had a total blast. It's a place where you can go, walk into the middle of a huge crowd and yell "Pokemon sucks!" and people don't look at you funny. Sure, you get lots of agreement as the usual "No, YOU SUCK!" responses, but the point is that everyone knows exactly what you are talking about. You can talk about who would win in a fight: Thor or the Hulk, or which monster you'd rather fight: a dragon or a cybernetic aboleth-werewolf hybrid hepped up on goofballs.

Not that I have any experience with any of that.

Gen Con is a place where you can walk past Darth Vader, Tinkerbell, and a Big Daddy from Bioshock all while watching people dressed up, dancing. I didn't recognize who they were supposed to be, nor did I understand why they were dancing, but they were relatively entertaining.

You can play in a Call of Cthulhu game in the morning, restore the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in the afternoon, and then delve into a dungeon in the evening. You can stroll around a gigantic exhibition hall, pilot a battlemech, or walk through a life-sized dungeon.

It's a whirlwind of hunger, caffeine overdose, lack of sleep, gaming, gaming, more gaming and, when that's all over...more gaming.

Gen Con is a place where you can play new games, play old games, or even stumble upon that hidden gem you didn't even know existed. It's where you can watch a screening of "Alien vs. Ninja" or sit in front of anime all night, even if you don't understand what the hell is going on. Though, due to lack of sleep, there is a good chance it might actually make sense.

It's big. It's fun. It's a bit aromatic sometimes, so make sure to take a shower...please.

And now that I've returned from this gamegasm, I'm gonna go play some Starcraft 2.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Alright Already

An Open Letter to August:

Dear August,

It is not your time yet. July is not over. I know you are ready for your time and you just can't wait to swoop in and do what you do best--suck--but, seriously, why are you in such a hurry?

Don't get me wrong. The sooner you arrive, the sooner you can be over and we can get on with living. But why force your agenda on July? I fully realize that the end of July is usually a bit hot and humid...but, seriously, a heat index of 107 degrees for several days...really? Isn't that going a little too far? That's not just crossing the line, but crossing it and then turning around and pissing on it while pouring sugar in its gas tank.

So lay off a bit and let us all go outside without shriveling up into dessicated husks--maybe just for a few days? After that, you can take over. I won't really care because, then, at least football will be returning...even if it is only preseason "football'esque" substance stuff.

Someone who loathes you (that's me, btw)

With that out of the way, here's the weekly review...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Goblin

Surprisingly, this movie didn't suck. No, it would never win any awards unless there is an award for "Syfy movie that doesn't totally suck". So, anyway, this movie stars Gil Bellows. You might remember him from Ally McBeal. I don't, though, because I never watched that show. But I heard he was on it.

The interesting thing is that he doesn't have Goblin in his list of movies on his IMDB page. Likewise, looking on the IMDB page for Goblin, he's not listed in the credits. I guess I can't argue with him if he wanted to disavow knowledge of the may be halfway decent, but it's still a Syfy movie. That's like saying "I'm appearing on 'Last Call with Carson Daly'"!

Sure, you're on a late-night talk show...barely. And it's hosted by Carson Daly who we all know is a tool. So should you really be proud? But I digress.

The plot is simple--way back in the day, a freak baby was born and so the crazy village elders threw it into a fire to ward away evil spirits. The baby's mother was a witch and she summoned a goblin from the baby's bones to come back every Halloween and kill all the children. Nothing special. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time this happened to me...yeah. So anyway...

So ol' Gil and his family travel to the present-day small town and for a business meeting and get embroiled in the child-munching goblin mayhem while trying to keep their infant son from being the next main course.

So no giant shark or giant octopus. Though you bet your ass I'm going to watch "Sharktopus" when it rears its ugly head. Seriously.

Alright, here are your Drive-in Totals:
Psycho witches: 1
Crazy town drunks: 1
Disembowelings: 1 (maybe more, I can't recall)
Horny teenagers: 4
DEAD horny teenagers: 2

4 stars

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Call Shenanigans!

So, the other day, I went to my favorite park for a nice, peaceful run in the hideous heat and humidity. I often do this because I would almost rather gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon than run on a treadmill at the gym. I'd prefer to do neither of those things, so I opt to run outside. Really, it's almost like swimming in humidity, so it's not all bad.

So, anyhoo, I pull up, all fly in my Yaris and looking phat with my iPhone strapped to my arm. I get out of the car and realize that someone is blasting the most god-awful "music" I've ever heard. It's very very loud, it's obnoxious, and it's laced with profanity (the f-bomb among other words). I'm not really against profanity in music but, please, don't force others to listen to it, especially when there are children and small puppies around. It was rap, it was loud, and it was rude. And I bet any puppies in the vicinity are going to grow up to be assholes now.

The enjoyer of this music was standing outside his car, dressed with his pants down to hanging off him, and looking rather unsavory. he was standing outside his car with the door open and just blasting this nasty music. I briefly thought about asking him politely to turn it the hell down but he really looked like he'd probably try to kick my ass. In retrospect, I probably should have said something. But, really, I'm a wuss at heart. I may be able to befuddle him with sarcasm, but I somehow doubt he'd appreciate the subtlety.

So I decided to just start running. Nobody else seemed to care and there wasn't anyone really close by anyway. I put on my headphones and took off down the sidewalk.

And not five seconds after I started, I saw a police car pull around and park behind this dude's car. They got out and started talking to this promising young man while I ran off into the distance.

1.7 miles later, I have looped around the park and check out the spectacle. The music has stopped, and the police are now searching his car. He's looking rather miffed, standing outside the car with some 'splainin' to do. I continued my run. After 4.1 miles and 3 gallons of sweat later, I finish. The dude is still there and the music has not come back, but he is now talking to his friend.

So now you can read this and cry "racist!" (because the dude was, indeed black) but, honestly, I cry "idiot!" I can't totally discount the fact that the police may not have searched his car if he was white. But obviously someone either called the cops on him for noise or they heard him and investigated. Maybe they had cause to search him. Maybe not.

But, honestly, white black or any other race, if you want to be respected in life, stop looking and acting like an asshat. Seriously.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Random List

Random Stuff:
  • Sometimes a four-year-old can eat as much as me. That's saying something.
  • When Wal-Mart sponsors a TV movie, you can bet your ass you'll see "Great Value" products prominently displayed every other minute.
  • Every dog, no matter what, looks hilarious with a "cone of shame" collar around their neck.
  • The fact that every movie these days is in 3D sucks.
  • The "Syfy" network needs to knock it off already with the "Ghost Hunters" and wrestling crap.
  • Lebron James, no matter how good he plays is, and will always be, an ass. But that's not unusual, seeing as how that is a prerequisite for playing in the NBA these days.
  • The original Jurassic Park still kicks ass. Avatar, suck it.
  • Steam is not just a game service, it's an addiction. Seriously. It's ridiculous.
  • I now have all of my boardgames sitting on a small bookshelf behind me. While my collection is not that big and doesn't really get played, I still like to see them.

I have been playing Crackdown 2 and, I have to say, it's really fun. I must admit that I only got the first Crackdown game because it came with a beta invite for Halo 3 but it, too, turned out to be a lot of fun. Hence, I bought the second one. There are definitely missions and an overarching plot but screw that. I just enjoy jumping from rooftop to rooftop and mowing down mutant freaks in a car (and the occasional pack of civilians). It's very much over the top but very very fun. If you played and liked the first one, you won't be disappointed with the second one.

Last week's Syfy movie was ridiculously boring and nonsensical. Part of that may be due to the fact that we only watched the last half. Anyway, I didn't pay close enough attention to it.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Time to Take Out the Trash...

As of late, K and I have been going through a massive effort to clean out unwanted crap from our basement storage room. It had really gotten out of control and got so bad that we really couldn't manuever anywhere if we wanted to actually get something. Every house has that room, right? My parents called it "The Wood Room". Yes, it once stored firewood but also housed everything ever acquired since T-Rex and Velociraptor fought it out.

And if T-Rex and Velociraptor were to fight, who would win? Velociraptor is pretty fast but T-Rex is huge. Though he's got those wimpy little arms...oh, but I digress.

So we have gotten rid of a butt-ton of junk. Much of it has been donated to the Salvation Army, and books have gone to the local library. Be that as it may, I'm eager to see the looks on the trash dudes' faces when they see the veritable parade of crap we will have set out on the curb (both trash and recycling). Hopefully they won't just laugh at us and leave it there. Seriously, it'll be quite a bit.

Sure, I found lots of old toys and books from my childhood, most of which have found their way to great Donation Heaven. The only thing I don't get rid of are two things: Transformers (old school) and action figures. The former are just too cool and the latter I still actually buy from time to time.

Just tonight I found a box that contained two things--cassette tapes and several notebooks. Within the notebooks was a lot of writing I did in high school and college--some of it for classes, but much of it creative.

And I tossed it all in the recycling.

I thumbed through it and skimmed over some of it and briefly thought about keeping the creative writing--all were unfinished stories I wrote long ago. Some I remember, some I don't. But I find myself with no attachment to any of it. In no way do I feel like I am a truly awesome writer, but I do know that I've surpassed the caliber of writing that I did back then. I did keep two pieces which I hope to maybe recreate--one story wasn't even close to finished and I have no idea if I will pick it back up.

I even threw out an almost complete printed copy of the book I wrote. I have it all contained in files and, well, I'm not too keen on actually revisiting it these days. It was long and rambling and needs work and I simply don't have the time to devote to editing and condensing. But anything is possible, I suppose.

I can't review last week's Syfy movie because I wasn't in town to watch it. It was one of their "Giant mutated somethingorother vs. another giant mutated somethingorother" movies, so I am positive it was deliciously bad.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Here I sit, eating chocolate chips

Yeah, that's right. Part of being an adult means that, if you want, you can sit on your ass in front of the computer, watch "America's Got Talent", and eat some chocolate chips! Don't judge me!

I've noticed that the audio on the television is about a half second ahead of the video, so it looks like one really bad old kung-fu movie. It makes Joe Buck look like even more of a tool than he really is...which is still considerable. Actually, I could go on for a while about why I'm not a fan of Joe Buck, starting with his shifty eyebrows but I'll spare you the painstaking detail.

So, if I was to appear on "America's Got Talent", what would my talent be? The ability to not show up. Seriously. Grossing out a child by pretending to remove my thumb is about as far as my talent goes. Oh, wait, I'm also apparently really good at stealing covers at night. Does that count?

Alright, so it's time for the garden to either put up or shut up. The plants are all pretty big but aren't really producing much of anything. We got a couple of small heads of broccoli and there are a couple of tomatoes growing but that's about it so far. I hope for a veggie explosion that'll rock the planet. That's right. Fear my garden, biatch. It'll rock your face with vegetable'ness and vitamins!

Can you plant chocolate chips? Because, you know, that's be pretty sweet. I'm just saying, is all.

And, now, for something slightly related, or not...

Syfy Saturday presents: The Seamstress. I saw Toy Story 3 over the weekend but, being a good movie, it is much less fun to review. So we're going with this one.

Starring Lance Henrikson who will sign on for just about everything, it seems, this movie delves into the question 'What happens if some intern somewhere comes up with a really good idea, but totally charlie foxtrots it?"

The answer, it seems, is this pile of steaming kitchen refuse, randomly dropped together and sculpted into something that possibly resembles art...or a turd. It all depends on your perspective. Unfortunately, my perspective was sitting on the couch in bewilderment as I watched this movie, a giant "?" hovering above my head.

It goes a little something like this ...There were some killings and a mob of seven idiots thought they knew who did it so they found her and killed her along with her husband but now there is this island where people go and get totally murdered and it's all creepy and stuff because there are tails of "the seamstress" who sews their eyes and mouths shut and kills them. There is a lot of "Don't go into the woods"...and then they all go into the woods. And then some "I told your stupid asses NOT TO GO INTO THE WOODS!!" And then there's lots of running and screaming and dying etc. The problem is, it's all filmed in the actual dark. I guess Syfy misplaced their crappy night filters. Because of this, I couldn't tell what the hell was going on most of the time. Either people were being horribly killed or they were at a rave. Good chance of both. Either way, it never ended well. Or did it? A little strategic lighting would've been nice.

Okay, breathe...better? Yeah, no. That is what I think the movie is about. For all I know, it could have been about crazed, psychotic chihuahuas who are bent on world domination through crappy comic books. What? That makes no sense, you say? Yeah, neither did this movie.

Seriously. When the movie was over, I had way more questions that anything else. I got done watching the movie and it was as if I had just gotten done watching "Howard the Duck"--I was left with two questions:
1. WTF just happened?
2. Why the hell did I watch that?

So the Drive-in Totals are:

Stupid meatbags waiting to be killed: 6 (I think)
Dudes wilderness-wanking: 1
People running around in the dark: everyone
Cakes: Zero (but cakes would have been just as incomprehensible as the rest of the movie, but tastier!)
Sort of wire-fighting

1 star

Thursday, June 17, 2010

You're Doing it Wrong

The other day, I ran into one of the ladies who runs teh company that manages our neighborhood association. After stepping down from being president of the association (read: fleeing a sinking ship), I've really not paid attention to neighborhood affairs and, honestly, actively avoided such nonsense. That whole soap opera is something I definitely don't need.

Anyhoo, we talked briefly, then I asked her "So, is our little neighborhood causing you guys any grief?" Her response was "Yes...well, just one individual in particular."

Nothing more needed to be said. Some of you (well, all one of you who read this) might remember a certain person in our neighborhood who built a certain ugly structure in their yard without getting permission from the homeowners' association, got lots of complaints, bit heads off of kittens and insulted meercats...well, some of that actually happened. Anyway, yeah, I'm very much guessing it's this individual causing problems. The point is...I couldn't be happier that I got the hell out of there.

Is it sad that I'm wondering whether I could get my money's worth out of an "all-you-can eat Wings for $10.99" deal? Actually, what would be sad is if I can get my money's worth. But it's almost like a challenge--like this deal is sitting there, eyeballing me...daring me to take it. Damn you, temptation!

Alright, down to business. There's a new ultimate disaster, and it is...

Syfy Pictures Original: Stonehenge Apocalypse!

Apparently Syfy is done with giant sharks, ghosts, and volcanoes that threaten the world. Nay...those are all ordinary disasters. What could be more life threatening and world-ending than...A BUNCH OF OLD STONES STUCK IN THE GROUND!!!?? Run like hell, people!!

In all seriosity, I was really hoping the stones would come together to form a giant stone robot that rampaged across the countryside but, alas, it turns out that Stonehenge has a different agenda. See, it's old...very old, right? But apparently it's plugged into the power grid via a long-ass extension cord, because it keeps sending out shockwaves and electricity and stuff. What's worse is, it's signalling for its friends, the pyramids (Egyptian and Aztec) to vomit forth gouts of lava, fire, rocks, and lots of other types of burning badness.

And how do you fight this? How to you battle the wonders of the world? Yep, you guessed it. According to the US Armed Forces, you drop a nuke on it's damned head! doesn't have a head! Well, which stone is the biggest? Well I don't know! Go get a tape measure, anyway, yeah. The Army wants to drop a nuke on it. Does it work? What do you think? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T BLOODY WORK! Does it ever work? No. Apparently these doofuses have never seen a Syfy movie before.

The rest of the movie includes psychotic zealots, a crappy-looking artifact, and terraforming. stone robots. :( <---Frowny face is frowny!

Oh, it stars nobody except for the leader chick from Stargate: Atlantis.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Love scenes: 0
Stone robots rampaging: 0 (I am disappoint)
Supernatural creatures: 0
Stone robots ram...dammit, still 0
Pissed-off ancient wonder of the world: 1

2 1/2 stars

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Anything is Possible

I now realize that we can accomplish anything as a society. For I have eaten a bacon donut and lived to tell the tale! Yes, my friend, someone has finally combined bacon and a donut. The floodgates have burst open!

Actually, the donut wasn't all that great, but it wasn't horrible, either. And I haven't landed in the ER for an unexpected bypass, so I can't complain!

Also, today, I realized that playgrounds will be the most ideal area to hole up and defend when the zombie apocalypse comes. I mean, most of them are fenced in and you can totally dodge zombies with all the playground equipment. And if you get overrun, what better way to escape than go down a curly slide? But you'd never have to escape because the zombies wouldn't stand a chance.

That's about as far as my creative juices flow these days. I seem to have experienced a creativity drought. Hopefully this will end soon because I've got several projects that I really want to work on--most of them are writing but there are a couple others that I really want to get jazzed about, but can't. I want to work on said projects but find myself instantly getting stuck. Grrr.

Onto bigger and better...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Princess of Mars
Starring Antonio Sabato Jr. and former porn star Traci Lords, this movie a polished turd...which means, not at all. Because, as the wise sage Butt-Head once pointed out, you can't polish a turd, Beavis. The movie is based on a book of the same name by Edgar Rice Burroughs which, I have to believe, was a whole lot better.

Here's a short synopsis: Dude is fighting in Iraq and somehow falls unconscious (I didn't see this part) then mysteriously wakes up on Mars. The air is good, there are people on the planet, and he has super strength because of lessened gravity! There are two factions fighting each other--normal people and the Thark--humanoids with ugly faces and tusks. These dudes are probably where most of the movie's budget was blown. Well, them and the red gel filters to go over all the cameras.

Anyway, the Thark don't trust the humans who run all the air purifiers. The Thark think the purifiers are meant to oppress them. Because, as we all know, the best way to oppress a people is with lifegiving Oxygen! Throw in some water and, holy crap, you can keep any civilization down! I know that's how I'd do it.

So the main character (whatever the hell his name was) somehow earns the Thark's respect and rescues the princess, only to be captured and punished (presumably to the death) by the Thark. This, of course, backfires in a really bad fight montage that consists of a lot of super jumping and some really really lame supposed sword-fighting-like substance. Once everything is solved and you think they're all going to be lovey and happy, the dude wakes up in a hospital during the war in Iraq, vowing to "make it back to Mars someday". Oh yeah? How you gonna do that, buster? Keep hitting yourself in the head until you mystically reappear on a planet a vast distance from here? Dude, go for it!

Oh hell, let's just get to the Drive-In Totals:
Former porn stars: 1
Bad CGI: Surprisingly, not much CGI at all.
Lame swordfights: 2
Spider/bat hybrid-fu

2 stars

Monday, May 31, 2010

Stuff and Junk

So there are lots of things that I have encountered during a recent trip to Chicago.

  • I don't want to eat McDonald's for a very, very long time.
  • My crappy laptop actually runs Starcraft 2!
  • This is just what I need for my front yard:

  • The big city is cool and has lots of possibilities but I really enjoy being able to get to almost every destination in less than 10 minutes.
  • My cat sucks. Everyone else's cat is better.
  • No matter when in the year it is, when I am driving back from somewhere East of home, the heavens will open up and pour forth copious amounts of rain and hail.
  • Last, but not least, it is always comforting to return home from a trip...especially when you have a four-day work week ahead!


Thursday, May 13, 2010

A Tale of Two Activities

I know it's been a while since I've anything. I'm sure you (and by "you", I mean the one or two people who read this) have been thinking "I wonder what that one dude who writes that one blog is up to?" Trust me. I'm realistic. I know these things.

I don't generally waste anyone's time by talking about nothing, so I'll get right to the point...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Mongolian Death Worm.

They're worms! They're Mongolian! And they bring death! Yes..."they". See, the title leads you to believe there is only one worm! But, surprise surprise, there are many! Unfortunately, it's much akin to being told there is only one mine in the minefield but there are actually 100. In case you don't get's not a good thing.

Starring Sean Patrick Flanery (I've heard the name but I have no idea what he's been in--and I'm way too lazy to look.), this movie delivers dog turds, in a bag...on fire. Also, it's being delivered by an axe-murderer pit bull with rabies.

I think it took about an hour to get any good view of a deadly Mongolian worm or to see any actual action. Most of the first half of the movie was setting up all kinds of unnecessary, worthless plot points that I didn't care about. Set in Mongolia (imagine that), there is apparently a sweeping disease while rabid, gun-toting gangmembers go around harassing people. And, oh yeah, there is an oil-drilling company run by a corrupt dude that something nefarious and evil. Honestly, I didn't care to find out what.

Some people are eaten, some really bad latex worms are thrown around, some treasure is found (yes, treasure), and,, who cares? Honestly, halfway through the movie I wanted to get distracted and wander out into traffic but this movie sucked all free will from me and all I could do was sit there, staring at the TV and drooling while, inside, I shouted for someone to kill me.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Bored viewers: 2
Times I almost fell asleep: 4
Better things to do: 524,281

1/2 star

Friday, April 30, 2010

Hello Starcraft, my old friend

It's been well over 10 years. Perhaps 12 years?

I have not seen you in a long time. How are you doing? Are things still going well? We should get together! We should definitely get together! You just say the word.

Many things have changed since we last got together. The world is a much different place for me as I'm sure it is for you.

Oh, and I hope you're okay with me jamming zillions of zerglings, mutalisks, and roaches into your base and ripping it to pieces. I'm just saying.

It really has been too long. But, like the good friend you lose touch with, it's good when you reconnect. Having played a few days in the Starcraft 2 beta test, I can say that I am glad it's back.

It's essentially the same game--a massive, frantic clickfest guaranteed to give you the worst mouse claw hand you've ever seen (and yes, Diablo, I include you in that). Yes, it's the same game...jumping off a cliff with its hair on fire screaming "Yeeeehaaawwww!"

There is change, though. Only about 1/3 of the units from the original make a return, and I don't think any units from the expansion made the cut. There are different buildings and different dynamics with defenses and offenses but, yes, the game is still the same at its heart.


I cannot profess that I am really that good at it. Sometimes I win, sometimes I fail miserably. What I most look forward to is playing co-op games with against the AI opponents. that was always the most fun in the past and I see no reason that will change. Playing competitively is a good way to hone my skills but gets tiresome since I usually find something shiny and lose my concentration, then get my ass handed to me by some 10-year-old who is able to play it 24/7 because he doesn't go to school.

So how about it, Starcraft 2? Wanna grab a coffee, maybe see a movie? Then we can pummel the hell out of each other until our mouse clicking index fingers fall off...and then after our prosthetic index fingers disintegrate, we'll call it a day.

Also, say "hello" to your brother, Warcraft. I hear he's got a pretty sweet gig going these days. Any chance you'll follow in his footsteps?

See ya.

Monday, April 19, 2010

They Look Like Meatballs!

So, now that Spring has arrived, I have planted this year's seedlings for the garden. Not only that but I also got a composter!! I mean, seriously, is there nothing more fantastically exciting than talking about kitchen waste, dirt, and worms? You now have a rather dirty, dusty window into the miracle that is my life.

So I planted the usual--tomatoes, peppers, jalapenos, broccoli, and brussels sprouts. But I also added carrots, peas, and zucchini. And, now, the zucchini and peas are taking over the house. Seriously. They grew so much so fast...yesterday, they asked for the car keys and money to go to the mall. I told them "no", and they said I was the meanest gardener ever, and that I ruined their lives.

I have yet to actually plant anything in the garden yet. I've cut the grass twice and used the clippings to mix up in the garden, and the plants are all in peat pots on the deck. But I need to get them in the ground soon. Hopefully the frost will stay away and I'll stop being lazy. It would be nice if both of those happened. And then we can get to the next level--me asking the plants nicely to produce stuff to eat and them shaking their little plant heads and telling me to piss off.

I don't have a Drive-In Movie Review this week because Syfy's movie was the remake of "The Hitcher". I've seen the original and it was rather decent. I watched 30 minutes of the new one and demanded my money back. Unfortunately, I was yelling at my cat and he spent all his money on crack.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Roses are red...

Violets are blue,
And sometimes, I like to drink out of the toilet.

Some things on my mind:

  1. People who blatantly disregard traffic laws and screw over everyone around them should have a special place in Hell reserved for them.
  2. When the go-ahead is given for people to register for events on Gencon's website, the world trembles and is brought to its knees.
  3. Some of the best exercise involves walking around the zoo with a 4-year-old on your shoulders.
  4. You can make a buttload of cash if you charge $5 for parking when most people are parking for only 15 minutes or so.
  5. I really loathe Sundays. Especially when there is no football.

Also...Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Piranha

When a movie stars one celebrity you might have heard of, and that celebrity is Tiffany, you should probably listen to your gut instinct and not watch it. I, on the other hand, don't pay attention very well, and I watched it. Bad for me, good for you (if you like to read the drivel I post).

So...people are monkeying around with DNA...again. This time, some bimbo (Tiffany) has created a type of piranha that is more vicious and... is growing into, you guessed it, mega piranha! They eat people, they eat boats, they eat...well, just about everything. The leap out of the water and imbed themselves into buildings too! It's your basic piranha mayhem at its best which, on the normal scale of things, equals about the worst movie you've ever seen.

So you can probabl follow along here...Tiffany and some dude are now trying to stop the piranha. But the evil Venezualan military is hampering their efforts. So the first solution? Shoot them! Obviously everything can be answered with bullets right? Wrong. The piranha apparently have armor now! Imagine piranha swimming around with little flack jackets and helmets and, well, that would be infinitely more entertaining than what was actually happening, which was really nothing.

The next solution? BLOW THEM UP! That's the Syfy way! Of course, all of these plans fail miserably and lots of people get munched along the way. Oh, did I mention that the piranha are a) reproducing asexually and b) growing second sets of organs? I was waiting for the moment that they'd grow laser beams on their heads.

All in all a rather crappy movie. It did produce a few laughs, but most of those were at the expense of the really really, really bad CGI that was probably created by the director's 8-year-old son.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:

  • Heads munched: at least 2
  • Piranha imbedded in objects: 3
  • Destroyed battleships: 1
  • Flying fish: Lots
  • Washed-up pseudo pop stars: 1
  • Frenzying
  • Teeth-fu

1 star

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


So I've been pretty pumped about running in the Go St. Louis half-marathon. It's coming up in a couple of weeks. K and I were going to run in it together.

Unfortunately, K can no longer participate due to some health reasons. I was really looking forward to being at the finish line to see her cross.

Since that's not going to happen, I was planning on running in it by myself. But, not to be outdone, I somehow injured my right leg a couple of weeks ago. I think I pulled a muscle in my calf. At one point I thought it was getting better, and it very well may have been. But every time since then that I have tried to run, I've been sore afterward. So I'm rather irritated.

Guess I'll have to stay off it for a week and see if it gets any better.

Not happy.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

At one point in time I held the belief that I would eventually be forced to mature--to shed the husk of childhood and immaturity and venture out into the world in the adult skin that I had grown. I would interact with other mature beings on a level far beyond anything I imagined in my early years and, in doing so, would ascend to an even higher plane of maturity where people sip fancy drinks and read really thick newspapers (without the pictures, of course).

It's good to know that, every single day, the world completely debunks this belief, shooting it out of the sky and curbstomping the living hell out of it once its smoking corpse plummets into the terra firma.

The other day I was driving down the highway behind a minivan. Said roving suppository was sputtering along decently but certainly not at the speed limit that was originally intended by the government. Normally this would be no problem since that's what the passing lane is for, am I right? Most unfortunately for me, this tin can was in the passing lane...supposedly passing another car. And my exit was coming up pretty fast.

Eventually, the vehicle sluggishly moved over in front of the car it had just passed. Once again, unfortunately for me, they did not leave any room between them and the car behind them, nor was there room for me to merge into the lane anywhere behind said other car...or the car behind it etc. So I sped up to get in front of the van and, regrettably, had to essentially cross two lanes to exit.

Now, I'll freely admit, this is what I call a "dick move". And, most of the time, it is very much unjustified. I've occasionally been a perpetrator of the dick move and felt bad, even though I did it without any real reason. But, in this particular instance, the heavenly bodies had aligned against me in an attempt to block me from my exit. Or maybe the driver of the minivan was just an a-hole. Either way, I merged in front of the minivan. I caught a brief glimpse of the elderly couple (the wife was driving) before I noticed them get in the passing lane and speed up to pass me (even though I hadn't slowed down in front of them at all and was in fact going faster than them).

Then I notice them lurch past me as I'm exiting. The old dude was giving me the finger! Bwahahaha! No, seriously...maybe you didn't understand me correctly, so I'll reiterate..."Bwa ha ha ha". He was calmly looking straight ahead while holding up his bony, undead middle finger at me!

Of course I saluted in return because that's my right. It would be rude not to acknowledge a symbolic gesture such as that. But, c'mon...seriously? Dude. You're, like, 103 (or 70'ish...but who cares?)...and your flipping me off for your bad driving? Seriously? Should I tell the lunch lady on you?

Anyway, I laughed all the way to whatever destination I had to reach. I still think it's hilarious. Somehow, I guess we all eventually got past that peurile stage. I mean, honk the horn or something. You're our elders, for Pete's sake...act like it? Although I guess cavemen could be considered our elders, and I'm sure they wiped their ass with their hands...whatever that tells you.

And now, a quick review of a recent theatrical masterpiece...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Dinoshark
First of is it that Syfy is just now getting around to doing this movie? I mean, seriously, this seems like one of the FIRST movies they would have done. I mean, there was already a movie called Dinocroc. Shouldn't this have been the next step? Way to fall behind the curve, Syfy. Son, I am disappoint.

It stars nobody, which was a good move for every respectable actor. Those poor slobs who said "yes" when their agents called them are probably still trying to find work. For the great thespians of this movie couldn't deliver one sentence of dialogue properly. Every interaction was more wooden than a porn star in a room full get the point. The dinoshark itself got no dialogue, but its CGI looks like it was cooked up for an 80's MIchael Jackson video, then randomly burnt with a lighter and doused with acid.

The plot, if you can call it that, is that a huge chunk of ice melts off a glacier. The ice held little baby prehistoric monster shark things, one of which we encounter down in good ol' Mexico (which looks a lot like the California coast, oddly enough). Dinoshark wreaks havoc, eats things, destroys other things (then eats them) and generally creates a really bad time for the sun-loving citizens of whatever crappy town we're supposed to believe it is. I'm guessing this is because dinoshark is so depressed because it has to be in this movie. Wouldn't it be simpler just to fire its agent?

Eventually, because it's really easy to do, dinoshark takes a harpoon through the eye and is left to swim with the, or something. This surprised me, because I felt sure that it would be killed by explosives. Oh well. At the end, we get the exact same stock footage of the piece of glacier breaking off, and the baby dinosharks swimming if to remind us "Ha, you watched this movie, you little shit. And we can make a sequel if we want to!"

Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Necks/collarbones chomped: 5
People exploding in a red spray: 8
Water polo casualties: 3
Very stupid people: 100+
Hours wasted watching this trash: 2 (but it seemed like 3 or four)

1 1/2 stars

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Boogers and Birds

The title is random, like so many things I do. One is a story involving my 3-year-old and the solid week that she woke up every night, frantic about a booger in her nose. The other one is the inevitable tale of Spring when the birds find our dryer vent and nest within. Neither is worth its own paragraph but both are mildly humorous.

But never you mind. I don't really wish to bore you. I'm sure there are plenty of things you can find to do that. Visit an envelope factory if you really must be bored and can't think of anything.

So, a while back, I got these wireless headphones free from I don't have the ginormous influx of Coke points coming in anymore so I am sort of hoarding the stack of points I have, waiting for cool things. I figured wireless headphones fit this niche. Of course, as with many things, I had absolutely no use for them. But, hey, they're cool...and they're wireless!! This is serious technology! I mean, what's next? Online gaming?

Anyway...I was feeling creative today and decided I would do some writing tonight. I have a short story I've been working on that fits into my series of vignettes and it is really begging for attention. So, yeah, I intended to let my creativity flow tonight, spewing forth from my fingers, into the keyboard and, ultimately, onto my computer screen.

But then I thought of a really good use for my wireless headphones--I could use them to play guitar in the middle of the night and not wake anybody up. There was just one problem. I haven't really picked up my guitar for maybe a year. Maybe a little less. But when you're trapped in a pit with 50 hungry, multi-limbed monsters, who cares if you kill one, right? The other 49 are still going to whomp the shit out of you.

Now, one of my hangups with the guitar is this (if you laugh, I'll find you and give you a wedgie): I hate for anyone else to hear me play. I always have. Even during guitar lessons, I felt like an idiot. I don't think I'll ever understand why, but that's how it is. So you can imagine my happiness when I discovered the headphones' purpose.

So I picked up my baby and played a bit...and only I could hear me. I couldn't care less if I mess up, so I just played...privately, in my own little world. And it felt wonderful, like those times you wake up before the alarm is supposed to go off and realize you have the day off...kinda like that. And, yes, I sucked. Not playing for a year or so will do that to you. My callouses have long since atrophied so my fingers felt it, but it was a good hurt.

Here's a picture, just because I like to be all multimedia-ish, and stuff. It's an Epiphone Les Paul, tobacco starburst or some crap like that.

Another reason I haven't played for so long is I got bored. I've got a badass ear. I can pick riffs and chords out of a song on the radio and recreate them with scary speed (my piano childhood piano teacher tried to destroy that talent, but I defied him). But I don't seem to have the time to do this, or to write my own stuff. So I end up playing the same thigns over and over...which gets boring.

Also, and this is an afterthought, K and I watched "Beauty and the Beasts: A Dark Tale" last Saturday on Syfy, starring Estella Warren, who you might remember from the "Planet of the Apes" remake...or not, since her acting is as bad as that movie.

Anyway, I'm not really going to devote much time to this movie. Suffice it to sucked...hard. Normally we laugh at how cheesy the movie is but, this time, we were laughing at the awful acting, hideous CGI, and the even worse editing. Yeah, it stunk. I can't even muster up the interest to create the Drive-In Totals. It was like taking a train wreck, mixing it with a car wreck, throwing a couple of plane wrecks in there for good measure, and then drizzling pure, liquified incompetence on top.

1 star

Saturday, February 13, 2010

$20, Same as in Town

Apparently the average homo sapien sticks to his or her New Year's resolution for approximately a month and a half. See, right after the New Year started, the gym became packed with people who looked to be frantically exercising, like a psychotic gerbil burning up the wheel. Of course, I assume this was because they all made a New Year's Resolution to drop some weight. The only reason I cared is because this resulted in me actually having to wait to do something I don't particularly like--running on a treadmill. But, this entire week, the gym has been relatively empty. Way to go, guys!

The Winter Olympics have started. If you're unaware of this, move the rock, look at the fiery skyball, and turn on the TV. I'm a big fan of the Olympics and I really can't explain why. Sure, I love seeing the crazy adrenaline jockeys do maniacally insane stunts for my viewing pleasure. But, for some reason, it just feels like a worldwide party. It's a time when, sure, I can root for my athletes, but I can also just root for the world. Amazingly inspiring stories often come from the Olympic Games--tales of triumph, determination and, unfortunately, sadness. It is a horrible situation that happened to the luger in training. You can say "it's a bad start to the games" all you want but, when all is said and done, we lost one of our own. Yes, the world lost one of its own in an unfortunate accident.

If that made you sad, then I have just the right thing to cheer you up: Cauldron Fail. ;) Anyway, long live sport, and Go world!

Now, onto other matters...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Transmorphers: The Fall of Man

Okay. Let me start of by saying this...bwahahaha! No, seriously...there is nothing that isn't funny about this. First of all, it's a prequel (that I've never heard of) to a movie (that I've never heard of) made in 2007. It stars Bruce Boxleitner in yet another attempt to salvage what might be left of a rather long-dead career-like substance. Not only did he stoop low enough to be in this movie, but he dies within the first hour. Luckily, it's a heroic death.

Alright so, get this. Technological devices are (I bet "transform" was copyrighted) into robots and killing people! Holy shit! Run for the hills! The toaster oven is trying to kill me! Yeah, seriously. And do you know where they came from? Yeah, you're right. The Roswell crash! Damn skippy! These robots got all up in Earth's grill years ago and broke their ride, shattering it into pieces all over the place. Well, humans apparently got all of their current technological knowledge from that crash--toasters, TVs, everything! And, somehow, the pyramids factored into it all, but I kinda got bored with that and wandered out into traffic for a few minutes.

So, yeah, these pissed-off robots are spontaneously and killing people! They're just killing them! Like, a cell phone changes into a little spider robot and shoots this chick in the head...while she's driving Like OMG! (stunted social commentary, anyone?) The only thing funnier would've been if the chick had been texting while driving. But anyway, I digress. So the robots invade and it seems to take only about an hour or less for them to quash all rebellion and take over the entire planet. Wow. Humans suck. I mean, couldn't we have focused on more useful technology from that stupid crash, instead of space-age vibrators and Xboxes? Waitwait...I didn't mean that. I love my Xbox.

A ragtag bunch of idiots bands together and vows, do stuff. They end up destroying a building or something in the end...something about terraforming or whatnot. I dunno, the plot isn't important, because the fucking toaster is still trying to kill me!!! Of course, many many more have landed on the planet, presumable from outer space, using strange vehicles that look like a d12 right out of D&D. So things look bleak, even though they destroyed some building in the end.

And, yeah, the movie makes about as much sense as all of that rambling. Seriously.

So here are your Drive-In Totals:

Captured cell phones: 2
Homicidal satellite dishes: 1
Completely brain dead mothers: 1
Chicks in too-short skirst: 0 (is there really such a thing as a skirt that's too short? Alright deliberate on that.)
Headshots: 2
Retarded, flying robots: 5. Actually, only one confirmed retard. The rest are just assumed
Supposed sexy, smart doctor chicks: 1 (as usual)

2 stars