Monday, January 25, 2010

Running, But Going Nowhere

I hate treadmills. If it weren't for the lousy, cold weather I wouldn't have to use one. Instead, I pack up my gear, waste gas to go to the gym, and promptly fall in line with the other people who run on a machine that goes nowhere, staring straight ahead either at the TVs in front of them or out the window.

I prefer to run outside--I always have. And I've run in some pretty stupid conditions. We're talking snow, rain, and 10 degree weather. I did that because either I'm a) stubborn or b) not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I guess I feel that, if I'm going to be running, I should at least be going somewhere. Otherwise, I feel like a hamster running in their little wheel. But, unlike the hamster, I don't get to go to the bathroom while I exercise. They definitely live the good life!

So I really can't wait until the weather shapes up...say, sometime in Spring? Ugh.

Alright, onto other things...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Sea Snakes

An IMDB search on this film only turned up a page for a film called "The Impotent Sea Snake" and referenced a company that had produced a movie called "Sexcetera"...which may have actually been a better movie than the one I watched on Saturday. A more thorough scouring of the Internet revealed that the movie was actually called Silent Venom. But Syfy, exhibiting their usual wisdom, probably decided that nobody would understand the title? No idea.

Anyway, this movie starred Sideshow Luke Perry...yes, that Luke Perry (from 90210). How far the mighty have fallen. This isn't his first movie to appear on Syfy and, from the looks of it, it won't be his last. He probably should hire a new agent...or get an agent. This movie should really have been called "Snakes on a Sub...with Luke Perry Instead of Sam Jackson". On second thought, that's a horrible title. They should've just called it "Chomp!"

So, basically, these scientists are genetically altering snakes on a remote island, they need to be picked up, blah blah blah. Luke Perry is a disgraced navy dude who gets picked to head up the mission so he can retire honorably. He gets a skeleton crew and a very old submarine that used to be a museum...also, he gets A SHIT-TON OF SNAKES!!! RUN!!!

So they pick up the scientists who covertly transport the snakes onboard. Surprise! The snakes get out! And these snakes aren't interested in sitting around, watching movies, and having a tea party. No. No, these snakes are interested in...being snakes, which means a lot of slithering and biting. Also, they tend to growl, which I still don't quite understand. And the only person they seem to not want to bite is the supposed "sexy scientist chick"...but she does get bitten around the end of the movie.

So the crew, instead of being smart and just sealing off parts of the sub, wanders about aimlessly, looking for the snakes and much biting, chomping, eating, and poisoning ensues. Oh, and the snakes get to do some of that also. To make matters worse, the Chinese are performing "military manuevers" and keep harassing the sub. And poor Luke Perry...he's too old for this shit. No, seriously, he probably is. Though he still looks like he's 16. No, wait, he played a 16-year-old. Okay, so he still looks like he's 25, playing a 16-year-old.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Snakes: Supposed to be 20, I think. Looked more like the same five.
Submarines: 2 (if you count the Chinese sub we never saw)
CGI: Crappy, but used sparingly

...That's really it. There wasn't a whole lot of anything going on except some running, screaming, and poisoning.

2 stars.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

That Raccoon Stole My Lambchop!

I have officially entered into the arena of "the guy who doesn't understand technology." Let me 'splain.

See, for G's seventh birthday, we got her a Nintendo DSi. The deal was, she could have one of those parties that parents dread--a party at Chuck E. Cheese or Going Bonkers or whatnot--or she could have a really badass birthday gift. She chose the latter. Smart kid! She still gets a party, and it should be fun.

Anyway, the decision to get her a DS was a no-brainer. But I was quickly befuddled by the fact that there are essentially three models out there--The DS (being phased out), the DS Lite, and the DSi. The DSi is the newest, so I assumed it was the greatest. For most things, it is. But they got rid of the GBA slot so it can't do some things that its predecessor, the DS Lite can do. This flies in the face of everything I've ever learned about technology, but I went with it.

Anyway, I really had no idea which model to get her. I've never looked at DSes, nor have I ever really wanted one. I also really know nothing about the games themselves. So, really, it was as if I was shopping for a prom dress or tampons or a fine bottle of champagne from some year that was really good. I also now know what my grandparents must've thought when they bought me my first D&D stuff...or anyone who is buying me computer games as a gift.

Sure. Let me go shopping for a video card, processor, or Xbox game and I'm good. But, I guess, all that matters in the end is that G really enjoyed her gift.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Inundation Nation,

There is too much stuff around. Please eliminate three.

Let me put it this way. Lately, I've come to realize that there is just too much stuff out there to fit into a day, a week, or even a year. I get asked all the time "hey, did you see this?" or "check out this YouTube video!" or even "Did you see the latest episode of...?"

My answer, almost always, is "No, because I suck." But, honestly, I just either don't have the attention span or there are about a billion other things that I'd rather be doing. Sure, I watch some TV and visit YouTube etc., but I am fullyl aware that I don't have the time to do and see everything. The Internet has opened up so much...stuff that it eclipses all else. I have a stack of books I'd like to read, at least five videogames I'd like to play, and dozens of movies I'd like to watch. I don't focus much on TV unless it's a bad movie on Syfy or maybe "Lost". I get lots of long, verbose jokes through e-mail and forwarded video clips that I almost always delete. And, of course, there is family, which takes precedence over all else.

So, yeah. I've never seen more than five seconds total of "24", I don't have time to watch "The Guild" online, nor have I read the last two Robert Jordan books (the previous four kinda turned me off anyway). I'm still playing Fallout 3 and have a lot of episodes of "The Simpsons" to catch up on.

But, for some reason, I always have time for...

Syfy Saturday: Midnight Meat Train

With a name like "Midnight Meat Train", you'd probably expect very little plot and lots of "bow chicca bow bow", right? Well, remember, this is on Syfy. So, if anything, it would be "bow chicca bow bow" interrupted by an alien, a monster, or a supernatural killer.

Well, Midnight Meat Train features two of the four. See, there is this butcher guy with a Howie Long haircut who kills people on a train. Leon, a hapless photographer, follows him and finds out what's been going on. Then he gets his friend and girlfriend involved and gets everyone into a blood-spewing good time!

The movie itself is a little slow to get started. Then it gets going and, well, is still a little slow. Then some stuff is figured out and it's kinda cool, but then it ends in a very predictable, crappy fashion. And that's all I'm going to say. It was enjoyable, but the end disappointed me. Also, the characters were all dumb. Not your average, garden variety dumb, but more like the "how is it I am actually remembering to breathe?" dumb. The good news is, there aren't very many characters to begin with.

Here are you Drive-In Totals:
Gallons of blood spilled: About 120
Brains freed from prison: 2
Badass meat tenderizers: 1
Brooke Shields: 1 (yes, she's in this movie)
Bad cases of acne/herpes: 1
Eyeball popping
Meat tenderizer-fu

3 1/2 stars