Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Time to Take Out the Trash...

As of late, K and I have been going through a massive effort to clean out unwanted crap from our basement storage room. It had really gotten out of control and got so bad that we really couldn't manuever anywhere if we wanted to actually get something. Every house has that room, right? My parents called it "The Wood Room". Yes, it once stored firewood but also housed everything ever acquired since T-Rex and Velociraptor fought it out.

And if T-Rex and Velociraptor were to fight, who would win? Velociraptor is pretty fast but T-Rex is huge. Though he's got those wimpy little arms...oh, but I digress.

So we have gotten rid of a butt-ton of junk. Much of it has been donated to the Salvation Army, and books have gone to the local library. Be that as it may, I'm eager to see the looks on the trash dudes' faces when they see the veritable parade of crap we will have set out on the curb (both trash and recycling). Hopefully they won't just laugh at us and leave it there. Seriously, it'll be quite a bit.

Sure, I found lots of old toys and books from my childhood, most of which have found their way to great Donation Heaven. The only thing I don't get rid of are two things: Transformers (old school) and action figures. The former are just too cool and the latter I still actually buy from time to time.

Just tonight I found a box that contained two things--cassette tapes and several notebooks. Within the notebooks was a lot of writing I did in high school and college--some of it for classes, but much of it creative.

And I tossed it all in the recycling.

I thumbed through it and skimmed over some of it and briefly thought about keeping the creative writing--all were unfinished stories I wrote long ago. Some I remember, some I don't. But I find myself with no attachment to any of it. In no way do I feel like I am a truly awesome writer, but I do know that I've surpassed the caliber of writing that I did back then. I did keep two pieces which I hope to maybe recreate--one story wasn't even close to finished and I have no idea if I will pick it back up.

I even threw out an almost complete printed copy of the book I wrote. I have it all contained in files and, well, I'm not too keen on actually revisiting it these days. It was long and rambling and needs work and I simply don't have the time to devote to editing and condensing. But anything is possible, I suppose.

I can't review last week's Syfy movie because I wasn't in town to watch it. It was one of their "Giant mutated somethingorother vs. another giant mutated somethingorother" movies, so I am positive it was deliciously bad.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Here I sit, eating chocolate chips

Yeah, that's right. Part of being an adult means that, if you want, you can sit on your ass in front of the computer, watch "America's Got Talent", and eat some chocolate chips! Don't judge me!

I've noticed that the audio on the television is about a half second ahead of the video, so it looks like one really bad old kung-fu movie. It makes Joe Buck look like even more of a tool than he really is...which is still considerable. Actually, I could go on for a while about why I'm not a fan of Joe Buck, starting with his shifty eyebrows but I'll spare you the painstaking detail.

So, if I was to appear on "America's Got Talent", what would my talent be? The ability to not show up. Seriously. Grossing out a child by pretending to remove my thumb is about as far as my talent goes. Oh, wait, I'm also apparently really good at stealing covers at night. Does that count?

Alright, so it's time for the garden to either put up or shut up. The plants are all pretty big but aren't really producing much of anything. We got a couple of small heads of broccoli and there are a couple of tomatoes growing but that's about it so far. I hope for a veggie explosion that'll rock the planet. That's right. Fear my garden, biatch. It'll rock your face with vegetable'ness and vitamins!

Can you plant chocolate chips? Because, you know, that's be pretty sweet. I'm just saying, is all.

And, now, for something slightly related, or not...

Syfy Saturday presents: The Seamstress. I saw Toy Story 3 over the weekend but, being a good movie, it is much less fun to review. So we're going with this one.

Starring Lance Henrikson who will sign on for just about everything, it seems, this movie delves into the question 'What happens if some intern somewhere comes up with a really good idea, but totally charlie foxtrots it?"

The answer, it seems, is this pile of steaming kitchen refuse, randomly dropped together and sculpted into something that possibly resembles art...or a turd. It all depends on your perspective. Unfortunately, my perspective was sitting on the couch in bewilderment as I watched this movie, a giant "?" hovering above my head.

It goes a little something like this ...There were some killings and a mob of seven idiots thought they knew who did it so they found her and killed her along with her husband but now there is this island where people go and get totally murdered and it's all creepy and stuff because there are tails of "the seamstress" who sews their eyes and mouths shut and kills them. There is a lot of "Don't go into the woods"...and then they all go into the woods. And then some "I told your stupid asses NOT TO GO INTO THE WOODS!!" And then there's lots of running and screaming and dying etc. The problem is, it's all filmed in the actual dark. I guess Syfy misplaced their crappy night filters. Because of this, I couldn't tell what the hell was going on most of the time. Either people were being horribly killed or they were at a rave. Good chance of both. Either way, it never ended well. Or did it? A little strategic lighting would've been nice.

Okay, breathe...better? Yeah, no. That is what I think the movie is about. For all I know, it could have been about crazed, psychotic chihuahuas who are bent on world domination through crappy comic books. What? That makes no sense, you say? Yeah, neither did this movie.

Seriously. When the movie was over, I had way more questions that anything else. I got done watching the movie and it was as if I had just gotten done watching "Howard the Duck"--I was left with two questions:
1. WTF just happened?
2. Why the hell did I watch that?

So the Drive-in Totals are:

Stupid meatbags waiting to be killed: 6 (I think)
Dudes wilderness-wanking: 1
People running around in the dark: everyone
Cakes: Zero (but cakes would have been just as incomprehensible as the rest of the movie, but tastier!)
Chasing
Eye-sewing
Mouth-sewing
Sort of wire-fighting
Gun-fu
Tent-fu
Wanking-fu

1 star

Thursday, June 17, 2010

You're Doing it Wrong

The other day, I ran into one of the ladies who runs teh company that manages our neighborhood association. After stepping down from being president of the association (read: fleeing a sinking ship), I've really not paid attention to neighborhood affairs and, honestly, actively avoided such nonsense. That whole soap opera is something I definitely don't need.

Anyhoo, we talked briefly, then I asked her "So, is our little neighborhood causing you guys any grief?" Her response was "Yes...well, just one individual in particular."

Nothing more needed to be said. Some of you (well, all one of you who read this) might remember a certain person in our neighborhood who built a certain ugly structure in their yard without getting permission from the homeowners' association, got lots of complaints, bit heads off of kittens and insulted meercats...well, some of that actually happened. Anyway, yeah, I'm very much guessing it's this individual causing problems. The point is...I couldn't be happier that I got the hell out of there.

Is it sad that I'm wondering whether I could get my money's worth out of an "all-you-can eat Wings for $10.99" deal? Actually, what would be sad is if I can get my money's worth. But it's almost like a challenge--like this deal is sitting there, eyeballing me...daring me to take it. Damn you, temptation!

Alright, down to business. There's a new ultimate disaster, and it is...

Syfy Pictures Original: Stonehenge Apocalypse!

Apparently Syfy is done with giant sharks, ghosts, and volcanoes that threaten the world. Nay...those are all ordinary disasters. What could be more life threatening and world-ending than...A BUNCH OF OLD STONES STUCK IN THE GROUND!!!?? Run like hell, people!!

In all seriosity, I was really hoping the stones would come together to form a giant stone robot that rampaged across the countryside but, alas, it turns out that Stonehenge has a different agenda. See, it's old...very old, right? But apparently it's plugged into the power grid via a long-ass extension cord, because it keeps sending out shockwaves and electricity and stuff. What's worse is, it's signalling for its friends, the pyramids (Egyptian and Aztec) to vomit forth gouts of lava, fire, rocks, and lots of other types of burning badness.

And how do you fight this? How to you battle the wonders of the world? Yep, you guessed it. According to the US Armed Forces, you drop a nuke on it's damned head! Wait...it doesn't have a head! Well, which stone is the biggest? Well I don't know! Go get a tape measure and...um, anyway, yeah. The Army wants to drop a nuke on it. Does it work? What do you think? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T BLOODY WORK! Does it ever work? No. Apparently these doofuses have never seen a Syfy movie before.

The rest of the movie includes psychotic zealots, a crappy-looking artifact, and terraforming. Nope...no stone robots. :( <---Frowny face is frowny!

Oh, it stars nobody except for the leader chick from Stargate: Atlantis.

Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Love scenes: 0
Stone robots rampaging: 0 (I am disappoint)
Supernatural creatures: 0
Stone robots ram...dammit, still 0
Pissed-off ancient wonder of the world: 1
Stone-fu
Electricity-fu
Human-vaporizing
magma-spewing

2 1/2 stars

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Anything is Possible

I now realize that we can accomplish anything as a society. For I have eaten a bacon donut and lived to tell the tale! Yes, my friend, someone has finally combined bacon and a donut. The floodgates have burst open!

Actually, the donut wasn't all that great, but it wasn't horrible, either. And I haven't landed in the ER for an unexpected bypass, so I can't complain!

Also, today, I realized that playgrounds will be the most ideal area to hole up and defend when the zombie apocalypse comes. I mean, most of them are fenced in and you can totally dodge zombies with all the playground equipment. And if you get overrun, what better way to escape than go down a curly slide? But you'd never have to escape because the zombies wouldn't stand a chance.

That's about as far as my creative juices flow these days. I seem to have experienced a creativity drought. Hopefully this will end soon because I've got several projects that I really want to work on--most of them are writing but there are a couple others that I really want to get jazzed about, but can't. I want to work on said projects but find myself instantly getting stuck. Grrr.

Onto bigger and better...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Princess of Mars
Starring Antonio Sabato Jr. and former porn star Traci Lords, this movie shines...like a polished turd...which means, not at all. Because, as the wise sage Butt-Head once pointed out, you can't polish a turd, Beavis. The movie is based on a book of the same name by Edgar Rice Burroughs which, I have to believe, was a whole lot better.

Here's a short synopsis: Dude is fighting in Iraq and somehow falls unconscious (I didn't see this part) then mysteriously wakes up on Mars. The air is good, there are people on the planet, and he has super strength because of lessened gravity! There are two factions fighting each other--normal people and the Thark--humanoids with ugly faces and tusks. These dudes are probably where most of the movie's budget was blown. Well, them and the red gel filters to go over all the cameras.

Anyway, the Thark don't trust the humans who run all the air purifiers. The Thark think the purifiers are meant to oppress them. Because, as we all know, the best way to oppress a people is with lifegiving Oxygen! Throw in some water and, holy crap, you can keep any civilization down! I know that's how I'd do it.

So the main character (whatever the hell his name was) somehow earns the Thark's respect and rescues the princess, only to be captured and punished (presumably to the death) by the Thark. This, of course, backfires in a really bad fight montage that consists of a lot of super jumping and some really really lame supposed sword-fighting-like substance. Once everything is solved and you think they're all going to be lovey and happy, the dude wakes up in a hospital during the war in Iraq, vowing to "make it back to Mars someday". Oh yeah? How you gonna do that, buster? Keep hitting yourself in the head until you mystically reappear on a planet a vast distance from here? Dude, go for it!

Oh hell, let's just get to the Drive-In Totals:
Former porn stars: 1
Bad CGI: Surprisingly, not much CGI at all.
Lame swordfights: 2
Rock-throwing
Gun-shooting
Spider/bat hybrid-fu
Sword-fu

2 stars