Monday, December 27, 2010

So this was Christmas

Time was spent with family, presents have been unwrapped, and much food was eaten...then some more was eaten and, after some coffee, more was eaten.

Then I ate a little more. But there was Chinese food involved, so of course I was hungry soon after! Duh.

I put out the Mizzou flag for the Insight Bowl last night and forgot to bring it in. When I went to get it this morning, it was gone. Reason #251 why I would like to move out of any kind of neighborhood. I'm a sucky neighbor, and my neighbors all suck.

Not really much else to say except...

Syfy Saturday Presents: Shark Swarm
This four-hour toothy extravaganza stars John Schneider, Daryl Hannah, and Armand Assante. That's right...Bo Duke, a mermaid, I don't really know what Armand Assante's been in, but I've heard the name before.

What do you get when you combine these three actors, a sleepy town by the bay, and a bunch of pissed off sharks? You get FOUR HOURS OF BOREDOM! Yes...four hours. I may have thought more of this movie if it had been the standard, two-hour fare--and it should've been. But it wasn't. And I cried.

So this sleepy town by the bay has a problem. Yep, you guessed it--sharks. Well, okay...two problems. First there are the sharks, then there is also this a-hole (Assante) who is buying up all the land in the area so he can put up condos. Oh, but wait. There is a third problem! The fishing industry has gone to pot--there appears to be no fish in the bay at all anymore! Oh no! A fourth problem?? The sharks are constipated! Well, maybe not...but who's going to ask them to provei t?

It seems that someone is leaking toxic chemicals into the bay and killing off all the fish while also somehow pissing off the sharks, causing them to swarm and eat anything in sight. Now, in normal movies, this would mutate the sharks into some strange hybrids that could shoot lasers and predict lottery numbers. Maybe that would've required a four-hour movie. But in this movie, they just get pissed off and hungry. Two hours, max.

So basically, for four hours, everyone runs around, not realizing there are sharks that are eating people. John Schneider goes berserk and hulks out a couple of times, Daryl Hannah stays on land and doesn't grow a mermaid tail, and the sharks...they eat people...sometimes.

There really isn't any more to say about this movie. Those four hours felt like four days. I had to go to therapy afterward, but I'm recovering nicely. Thanks for asking.

So here are your Drive-in Totals:
  • Duke boys: 1
  • Uncle Jesses: 0
  • Mermaids: 0
  • Sharks: 0 --They were all CGI and it was all the same footage
  • Contrived plots: 1
  • Munching
  • Swarming
  • Gun-fu
  • Cage-fu

5 billion stars. (Really only 2, but we're rating this movie by the hour)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

If You Want Rambling...

So the "Dear Playstation" ads continue to crack me up. I have nothing against the PS3 so don't crucify me when I say that I have no desire to own one. But the commercials are truly excellent. Kudos to whatever ad agency came up with those.

The rapping Kia hamsters, on the other hand...they really need to die in a tire fire. Would you like to go to the land of fiery-do? Your mother will not mind at all if you do!

I'm already starting to feel bored with running indoors, on a treadmill, while looking out at darkness. But, on the other hand, I'm really not missing having to cut the grass! I've been trying to push myself on the treadmill, however. It's easier to get a good workout when you know how fast you're going and on what grade you're running. I just wish I could actually go somewhere. Sure, the treadmills have little TVs in them but I found out, long ago, that those devices are only there to make me lose my balance and go flailing, only to land in a pile of spindly arms and legs on the coold, hard, floor.

I've managed to eek out a bit more writing and think that my next shortstory will be somewhere near the relative "complete" stage soon. I've really been slacking for a while. I've got a ton of different, very shiny things to which I can devote my attention and, these days, writing often takes a back seat or gets buried under a pile of thousands of tasty, competing stimuli. Either that or I just have one bad attention deficit. :)

So here's one of my favorite bits from the short-lived "Greg the Bunny" show:

And then there was...

Syfy Saturday: Ice quake
There is only one person in this movie you may have heard of: Brendan Fehr. He's done a lot of crime drama work and apparently was in some "Roswell" show I never watched. Otherwise this movie stars nobody...unless you count ice and hordes of cow farts.

See, the cow farts (well, okay, it's liquid methane, but still) are trapped in caves underneath a mountain. Don't ask me how the cows put them there...just go with it. I mean, really--better down there than where we have to deal with them.

Rewind to the main dude and his family--they're traveling up the mountain to pick out and chop down a Christmas tree...on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve--really? Shouldn't you have a tree by now? What kind of a deadbeat family are you!? You don't wait that long to get a tree! If anything bad happens on this mountain, you deserve what you--

And of course something bad happens. I mean, the movie isn't called "Puppies Chasing Kittens" is it? No. It's called ICE FREAKING QUAKE! So I wanna see some ice and some quakes!

Which is exactly what happens--though it's not really very cool. The (crappy CGI) ground splits open, the earth shakes, and the cow flatus reservoir begins to surface. But you know what they say...he who smelt it--well, I digress. So the kids get split up from the parents, everyone makes some really bad decisions, they meet up with a team of nerds that all quickly get killed off and then the day is saved...with explosives, of course. It would've been a stretch to somehow get nukes into the picture, but apparently a petroleum explosion (or a few) did the trick. Huzzah! Random People: 1. Cows and their farts: 0

So here are your Drive-In Totals:
  • Idiot family: 1
  • Helicoptersicles: 1
  • Crappy snow shelters: 1
  • Idiot dogs who get needlessly lost in the snow but return miraculously at the end of the movie: 1 (because you just can't kill the dog. We learned that from "Independence Day".)
  • Frozen corpses: 1
  • Nerd-slaughtering
  • Building-trashing
  • Ice-fu
  • Snow-fu
  • Crack-fu (Yes, crack-fu)

2 stars