Saturday, December 24, 2011
Whatever you do, have a safe and wonderful day and try to remember all of the good things in life that make you happy.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
You might think the blessed event to which I refer is Christmas shopping. Nay, I say. Sometimes I enjoy Christmas shopping. Certainly, where Christmas shopping is represented by a unicorn made of lollipops, this event is represented by a pissed off, undead platypus made of licorice jelly beans and pure hatred.
Also, the platypus has naked pictures of me and is going to post them on the Internet. Oh, and he has a chainsaw...though I have no idea what he's going to use it for. Yeah, I hate this event that much. But what...what event could possibly be this putrid and vile, you ask? Three words.
Every time we pay this "bill", I feel like I just paid someone perfectly good money to punch babies and make my life miserable. Every time, I feel like a piece of me dies horribly in a tire fire, screaming "Whyyyyyy???" If that part of me is cancer, then I suppose I could handle that. Otherwise, no dice.
So, yeah...every year that's a check I don't want to write. Why? Because our Homeowner's Association is silly. You may or may not remember that I used to be the Vice President and, then, the President of such an accursed pact. I joined so that I could keep the association from doing things that normally piss off homeowners. Long story short...our Homeowner's Association is silly. Normally I'd use stronger words but I'm feeling festive!!
But enough about that. How about this?
Syfy Saturday Presents: Snowmageddon (cue suspenseful music and shocked gopher-like creature).
So you're all being comfy on the couch and decide to watch this "Snowmageddon" movie because, in the past, Syfy has delivered some awesome gems of the cinema, right? So there's this small, rather isolated town, right? And people are all going about their business, doing their normal "pre-disaster" activities like buying toilet paper and...using toilet paper. Nobody suspects anything until BOOM!!! Oh no! Hell! It's broken loose! Aaaaaa!!!
Sounds like any normal Syfy movie, right? WRONG!! You are so wrong! You couldn't be any more wrong if you had an automatic "Wrong machine" on the wrongest day of the wrongest month of the WRONGEST YEAR!!!
Okay, actually, you're pretty close. But, see, there's this magic snowglobe causing everything. I know, right? And once they find out, this kid and his father can't get anyone to believe them!!!
But that's only true for, like, three minutes. Surprisingly, after a few seconds of skepticism, everyone jumps on board and is all like "Yeah, we believed you from the start!" and "I wanna have your babies!!" and "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"
So...that's pretty much it. Snowglobe. Disasters. Oddly enough, the movie is titled "Snowmageddon" but snow actually has a very small part in the whole story. Volcanoes, mystical ground spikes, and earthquakes take center stage instead. They probably should have called this movie "Randomshitmageddon".
Oh, also, this movie stars nobody you've heard of. Trust me.
Okay, so here are your Drive-In Totals:
Ski punks snuffed: 2
Mysteriously disappearing babysitters: 1
Downed helicopters: 1
Really far-out metaphors relating to a nerdy board game that is patterned heavily after Lord of the Rings: 1
Snoring (sorry, that was me)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Cheers to AMC for its FearFest nonstop horror movie beatdown. Jeers, however, to AMC because 90% of the movies it showed were Halloween 1, 3, 4, 5, and H2O. Now, Halloween 1 and 2 are possibly my all-time favorite horror movies. So why didn't they show Halloween 2? A better question would be thus: Why the Hell did they bother showing Halloween III? That movie deserves to be buried in the desert with all of those E.T. Atari 2600 games...maybe even below them.
So I saw plenty of "Halloween" but not much of anything else. They didn't even show the last Halloween movie with the reality show--not a real great movie, but wildly entertaining and funny.
And Syfy...well, they tried. They try every year. Sometimes they succeed...kinda. But saying "Syfy succeeds" is like saying "Well, your car is almost totaled." And then, on Halloween itself, they totally give up and just play "Ghost Hunters" all day. Seriously? Why not just show a test pattern all day? Or maybe just show "Halloween III" all day? That might actually be better. I hate to say that.
Screw Ghost Hunters.
Syfy offered up Zombie Apocalypse (starring Ving Rhames) for their Saturday fare. We only watched the last half of it Aside from the "zombie tiger in the middle of a city" part of it, it was your average "run and gun", shoot zombies movie. Enjoyable but, again, we only watched half of it.
Instead, I offer you: Tucker And Dale Vs. Evil.
The only actor in this movie I recognized is Alan Tudyk from "Firefly" and "Serenity" fame. He played Tucker, one of two hilbillies who are minding their own business, fixing up a vacation home in the middle of the woods. College students are camping nearby and the hillbillies save one of them from drowning. They bring her back to their home to help her.
The rest of the college students believe that Tucker & Dale are vicious killers and try to stop them. Hilarity ensues when the college students start accidentally killing themselves (and each other) while Tucker and Dale are trying to survive and help, panicking and freaking out constantly.
I found this movie to be an hiliarous anti-horror movie. Now, it wasn't as funny as I'd hoped--not stomach hurting, roll out of your chair funny--but I did find myself laughing quite a bit. It's so outlandishly ridiculous and a bit over the top, but the movie itself was done very well. It's definitely worth a view
Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Dead college students: Lots
Stupid cops: 1
Monday, October 17, 2011
- Vacation was fun in a frenetic, "I have to go to the bathroom now and will have to do so again in 10 minutes" kind of way. I definitely had fun watching the girls have fun at Disney.
- Phineas and Ferb is a relatively entertaining show...even five hundred times in a row.
- There is nothing like trying to watch "A Game of Thrones" on your iPad, on the plane...surrounded by people...when the sex scenes start up. Creative angling of said media device is a must.
- I've tried to play Doom 3 as one of my "Halloween games"...but I just can't. I know it's been out for a few years but it really doesn't look like it was that good when it was released in the first place.
- Extra Life 2011 was a resounding success. $1.1 million was raised, shattering last year's total of $300,000 or so. I raised $250 which doesn't seem like much compared to those previous numbers, but I'm still proud of it.
- I played through all five Bungie Halo games in 23 hrs, 30 minutes.
- I didn't doze off once.
- I might have wanted to.
- The weather has gone from 85 degrees to 60 degrees overnight. I love Fall.
- October is my favorite month but it always seems to fly by so quickly.
That's all for now.
Monday, September 26, 2011
But, as for these great debates, they have merit. No, it's not the actual debate itself that I have problems with. If the actual debate is like the chocolate Oreo cookies, then the way the debate is handled is like the creme filling...which must be made of ass, because that is what people look like when they enter these debates.
And it's not just any, garden-variety ass we're talking about, here. Because these "meetings of the minds" usually end up in a "my dad can beat up your dad" kind of argument. Only, instead of that, it's more like "my technological device can Google Map your mom's private parts and your phone can't!"
I don't know about you but that is something I don't want. Keep your phone. I'll go back to the telegraph or two cans and string.
Seriously, why does it matter do much to people that I don't play the same console they do or I have a different tablet or phone than they do? They didn't invent their device, so why are they so proud of it? Aren't we all allowed to make our choices? Personally, I am of the opinion that we should all simply marvel at technology and how badass it is and figure out cool things to do with it. I don't care what phone or console you have. I care which one I have.
Crud. Battlefield 3 drops on October 25th. Gotta remember that. Good thing I'm done with Gears of War 3.
Oh yeah, about that...Gears of War 3. Awesome game. Got it on Friday, finished it on Sunday (on Hardcore). Awesome game. Did I already say that? It left a few questions open, which disappointed me a bit. But, really, that's akin to getting a brand new Lamborghini and finding yourself disappointed that the tank is only 2/3 full.
It's gritty, it's irreverant, it's bloody and loud--it's Gears of War as we know it! It's also really long so full of chainsawy (yes, that is now a word) goodness! I won't get into game mechanics etc...you probably already know them. My only real issue (unanswered questions aside) was that each main quest had about 500 small parts to it. For example, one dude says "You must shut down the generator! There are three levers!" Three? Why? What kind of generator has three levers in completely different parts of the complex!? And then, when you finally do shut down said multilevered generator device, you realize you have to shut down something else...and it has six levers!! Can't I just blow up Locusts while my AI cohorts do all the footwork for me? This is so totally a quest for a Level 1 player character. I'm, like...level 3...maybe. But, yeah...good game. Highly recommended.
It's Autumn, the temperature is dropping and I have the urge to decorate for Halloween. I'm gonna...but I gotta clean the carpets first. It's not a prerequisite for decorating, merely something I have to do.
I am gearing up for Extra Life 2011 on October 15th. Thanks to all who have donated! I haven't tried to raise any money lately--I've exceeded my goal. I am going to play through all of the Bungie Halo games--note that I specify Bungie games. I have not the time to play through Halo Wars and it doesn't really factor into the original story. I will be taking a break around midnight (for about 30 minutes) to play EnviroBear 2000 Operation: Hibernation!!
This game looks so deliciously bad, it's funny. So I'll put up with it for 30 minutes, hopefully. And, yes, I am going to stream the whole event with a webcam pointed at the TV. Yeah, it's all ghetto and stuff, but I really am too lazy to mess around any more with my TV card. It'll either be streaming at:
So if you have a bad case of insomnia, or if you just really hate yourself and want some easy punishment, tune in! I'll most likely send out a reminder again sometime before the event.
No, I have no Syfy movie this week. I was watching the Mizzou game and playing Gears of War 3. So sue me.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Saturday was race day--The Roots N' Blues N' Barbeque half-marathon. And, once again, I found myself asking "why the Hell do I do this?" Actually, I asked myself that during the last couple of miles. That is usually when the question creeps into my head as I'm just wanting to make it back alive. It started about the time I passed the lady holding up one finger and yelling "one more to go!!" I'm not sure if she knew where she was supposed to be stationed because, according to my phone's GPS (and its timer combined with my pace), there were still approximately 2 miles to go.
But, every year before the race, I am reminded of why I do race every year. No, I never expect to actually come in first. There is no glory associated with any races in which I participate. No glory, only running, some mild swearing, and a lot of water.
It is nice to have a goal--something to train for that makes all the summer running worth it. I doubt if I would exercise quite so much if I did not have an ultimate goal in sight. I sure as hell wouldn't be out in 115-degree (that's with the heat index) heat, running like a fool if I wasn't planning on putting it to good use.
But race day is something special--full of anticipation, adrenaline, and high hopes. It's something to share with the few thousand other runners who, like me, got up early and paid their money to...um...get all hot and sweaty and tired. Yeah, I could definitely do this all for free but I wouldn't. Because then I'd really be crazy.
And this particular race is an interesting dynamic. Not only do you have all of the racers and the organizers up, bright and ugly, getting ready for the race, but you also have countless barbeque fanatics who have been cooking in preparation for the festival later in the day. Some of them, I suspect, have been smoking meats all night. So they are up and about, watching all of these running maniacs get ready to prance around town...and, by "prance", I mean "huff and puff and stagger".
It all turned out well--I finished the 13.1 mile jaunt in 2:01:01. It was not leisurely by any stretch of the imagination, but I've also done better. I think I simply didn't have the drive this year. I love races but I do not feel the need to push it and try to run up every hill or whatnot. Besides, Waffle House Hill is a killer!
As a result, I am surprisingly sore today. And not just my legs. No, my shoulders and parts of my arms are sore. I've really no idea why. I ran 13.2 miles a few weeks ago to prepare and wasn't a bit sore in the days following. So I will blame adrenaline and, yes, Waffle House Hill. Damn you, Waffle House Hill!! For the record, everyone looked like they wanted to die after they got to the top of that hill. And one runner was yarking quite heavily by the side of the road.
As far as Syfy's Saturday movie goes, I'll sum it up (because I didn't watch all of it).
Syfy Pictures Presents: Jabberwock
Starring Tahmoh Penikett (most notably from "Dollhouse"), this movie really doesn't stand out in any way. Basically, a Jabberwock (from legend and, yes, Lewis Carrol's poem is actually quoted in the movie) shows up, eats some people, destroys some stuff and then leaves. And the inhabitants of this town decide they must kill it. Also, it has babies growing in eggs. Also, apparently armor is just now being invented. Also, the fight scenes all look like the actors are stabbing randomly, 10 feet from any enemy that might actually be nearby.
That's pretty much a good summary of the parts that I watched. I got bored and sleepy and wandered off to bed before seeing the thrilling conclusion. As a result, I am refraining from an actual review of this movie because there really wasn't enough of anything to rate as "fu" or anything else interesting.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I haven't done any writing for quite a while. I finished a short story a few months ago but I haven't even advertised it on Writing.com yet. I want to go back and make sure it's not total, utter trash before I throw it out there for the cyberworld to look at and, hopefully critique. It's been so long since I wrote it, I honestly don't remember if it needed editing.
Instead, I've been slowly slogging through reading up on C#. I ultimately would like to know the programming language well enough to actually start coding some programs. I will probably be able to do this only by diving in and seeing what I can do. Alas, my lousy attention span has become a hindrance and I sometimes find it difficult to concentrate on C# and, instead, occupy myself with random thoughts and shiny objects. But I'm getting through it and, though I may not retain everything, I'm getting the gist of it. This means my programs may not work as intended, but might have hilarious, world-ending results instead.
Fall is almost here and I find I have much to look forward to...in a purely superficial and mostly electronic sense. First of all, NFL football is finally back tonight. Both sides finally realized that a lockout would mean that nobody got their beloved paychecks and decided to begrudgingly commence doing something so painful that it almost didn't happen--play a game for a shitwad of cash. Oh the humanity!!!
But, despite how I feel about the greed involved, I am very glad that football has returned.
I also find myself looking forward to several video game releases. In September, there is Gears of War 3. In October, there is Halo: Combat Evolved Anniversary Edition. November brings me Skyrim and, following in December, is supposed to be Diablo 3. That last one--I will believe it when I have it in my hot little hands, playing it for hours on end and ultimately suffering from the dreaded mouse claw (which is, despite arguments to the contrary, much worse than Nintendo Thumb).
The non-electronic things to look forward to: The Roots N' Blues N' Barbeque half-marathon this coming Saturday. Then there is my Extra Life charity 24-hour gaming marathon in October. Fall starts this month and it brings much awesomeness with it...can't forget that. And, of course, there is a vacation and, ultimately, Halloween!
I love Autumn.
So, yeah...nothing really important to say except that I truly enjoy this time of year, and the reasons are many.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
This year, the garden was quite a bit more successful than I had thought it would be. I neglected (mostly on purpose) to stake the tomatoes and it would seem they liked this a whole bunch more than previous years. The cherry tomatoes went bonkers. We never really got to do much with them because both G and T pretty much ate them like grapes. I can't complain about that, though. The jalapeno plants are producing and, hopefully, the pepper plants will follow suit. Next year I am going to start their seedlings in January.
You know what? Let's just get down to it...
Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus
That pesky megalodon (yes, the same one from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octoputs) is back and creating more problems for, well, everyone who doesn't want to be eaten. But, wait, it gets more complicated! As the title suggests, there is also a giant, prehistoric crocodile on the loose. But wait!! Yes, there's more! This giant "crocosaurus" is laying eggs!! Could it possibly get worse?? You betcha. Not only is there a giant shark, a giant, crocodile, and giant baby crocodiles, but the world also has to deal with Jaleel White! Yep. You read that right. Urkel is trying to save the world. We are all doomed. Kiss your ass goodbye, denizens of the earth.
No need to hear any backstory. The fact that a giant freaking shark and crocodile (I keep wanting to type "crocktopus") are on the loose should be more than enough for you. Besides, any exposition would simply detract from the awesomeness that is two giant prehistoric monsters destroying shit just to look cool.
So, anyway, Urkel, some scoundrel guy, and a CIA (or FBI or MTV or something) chick are trying to fight these two beasts. They spend most of their time inside a not-very-convincing helicopter, yelling at each other and being generally annoying as shit. At one point, their helicopter went down and I thought they had all died. Then disappointment hit when I realized they were alive. Honestly, I was sort of cheering on the giant monsters in this flick. They just looked like they were having so much fun. I wanted them to win, just so they wouldn't cry when they lost. I mean, seriously, the human population came up with so many lame plans to kill these monsters; I figured they were shoe-ins to institute the new world order!
And I, for one, welcome our megalodon-crocosaurus hybrid masters! Alas, it was not meant to be. The humans win in the end (presumably) and the shark and croc are left to hopefully plot to return another day.
In all honesty, this movie kinda sucked and it truly was because I hated all of the characters in it (except for the poorly CGI'd shark and croc). Ah well, it was certainly better than some of the crap Syfy throws at the wall.
Anyway, here are your Drive-in Totals:
Dead Australian chicks: 1
Dead miners: Somewhere areound 30
Baby croc swarms: 1
Ships wrecked: 2
Submarines eaten like a hotdog: 1
2 1/2 stars
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Datastorm was bought by Quarterdeck (eventually purchased by Symantec) and was going downhill quickly, so I chose to become a rat fleeing a sinking ship. It was my first official real job and I worked alongside some of the best, most genuine people I've ever met--people who cared about their employer and their coworkers. And the company, while it could, spoiled its employees. We were a big family, and we knew it.
Just recently, one of those coworkers organized a reunion. While there were a bunch of people absent, I found it refreshing to reminisce about "the good ol' days" and see where they ended up. True, I've been working alongside ex-Datastormers in almost every other job I've had, but there were a lot of us and it was nice to see those I even barely remembered.
Along with that, I started backtracking through my career. On one hand, 12 years seems like a really long time--I've had three jobs since then. On the other hand, it sometimes seems like it was just last week. So here is a brief comparison of random things then, and random things now.
Video Games: Diablo, Daggerfall, Warcraft 2, Starcraft
Halo, Minecraft, Left 4 Dead, Starcraft 2, Portal 2
Approximately 2 1/2 billion pets
Married (to same wonderful woman I was dating) with kids
I drove a 1995 Ford Contour (my first car) which lasted 14 years. I scrappped it two years ago. My gaming rig back then was a Pentium 300 MHz. It's now a six-core, 3.2 GHz monster. Back then I also played on a Super Nintendo. Now it's an Xbox 360. There were no professional video game leagues, and 3D accelerator cards (yes, separate cards) had 12 megs of RAM if you were rich.
Gas was somewhere near $1 a gallon. There was no Google, and Yahoo! was the dominant search engine. Broadband Internet was still a few years away and wouldn't hit mainstream until a couple of years after that. Certainly routers and wireless networks in the home was simply outlandish! :) It was mostly all about 56K modems...aaaawwww yeah! America Online was still a driving force and Linux was becoming present, but was mostly unheard of. Most people were not tied to their cell phones because, well, they weren't prevalent yet.
I still keep in touch with all of the friends I had at the time, and have made many new, wonderful friends since then. I'm interested to see what the next 13 years bring me. I often miss that first job and wish I'd had the opportunity to work there sooner.
Okay, so that's the "back in my day..." speech. We'll move on to things more recent...
Syfy Saturday presents "Age of Dragons"
Quick summary: It's "Moby Dick"...only with Danny Glover and a couple of dragons. Unfortunately, there is not a lot I can say about this movie. Syfy seems to have a love affair with "Moby Dick" and keeps remaking it (this is the second reimagining in as many months).
So, instead of a whale, it's a "great white dragon". And, instead of no females, there is one chick. Their "ship" is some strange vehicle that travels through snow and, yes, has anchors for some reason. I asked the question facetiously "I wonder if their crappy ship has an anchor?" And, not a minute later, they dropped anchors. Ha!
So, really, all I can say is that it was a very cool reimagining but, in the end, it was quite boring and the acting was overly dramatic.
Here are your Drive-in Totals:
Wyverns killed: Countless
Exposition: Also countless
Bored viewers: 2
1 1/2 stars
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I've managed to be able to run outside but, most of the time, each run has been rather ugly. Then, yesterday, it poured down rain with lightning and thunder, the works. The sky, however, was not what you'd expect. It was cloudy, sure. But it was more of a light overcast than anything--and it was even sunny in some areas! Even weirder, it only rained in a small area, so we were lucky I suppose.
I've taken the plunge and signed up for this year's Extra Life gaming marathon for charity:
I'll pander for donations to the cause later (donations go to help Children's Hospital). I had a lot of fun last year, trying to get through all of the Halo games. I got through all of them except Halo 3 where I only got through the first section, Sierra 117. I'm not entirely sure it's possible to finish all of the Halo games in 24 hours. I mean, there are five of them if you don't count Halo Wars (which I really don't). I'm thinking of doing that this year as well, and might get courageous enough to hook up a webcam to document my progress. Not only does this event give me a great excuse to game for 24 hours straight, but it also benefits a good cause.
Now the funny part of this is the next day I am most likely going to run in a Halloween fun run. It's only a 10K but might prove a bit more challenging. Needless to say, it will be a very interesting weekend. But I've done crazier things...like run outside this summer in 98 degree heat (115 degrees with heat index).
Syfy Pictures Presents: "P2"
I don't recognize the names of anyone in this movie. However, it's cool that someone named "Bathsheba" was in it. I bet she has to spell her name for a lot of people...multiple times.
Frankly, that is where my fascination with this movie ends. It is about an office executive who gets locked in a parking garage on Christmas Eve and is tormented by a rather overzealous secret admirer. The movie itself seemed pretty good, actually, but this particular type of movie doesn't really interest me. I get a bit disturbed at the "torture the individual and make them watch as other people are tortured" movies. We watched about an hour of it (if that) and then turned the channel over to a much better movie--Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Much better, indeed.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
You're seriously pissing me off, here. I look forward to watching you each Fall, investing much emotion behind your stupid games and, each year, you do not disappoint.
Except this year, of course. Seriously? The players and the owners can't reach an agreement? Now I have no real love for the owners but it truly seems that the players are being a bit greedy, here. Do you seriously think you don't make enough money? You want to see all of the owners' financial records? Do you know how much I'd be laughed at if I asked the same of my employer?
I agree that health benefits are very important, so I'm with you there. But, honestly, there should be a rookie salary cap. Why should a brand new, rookie player make so much more than a seasoned veteran who has contributed more to the team? Quit whining and play your stupid game...you get paid for it. I don't get to play a game for a living, so shut yer piehole.
Guess what? If you guys can't reach an agreement, nobody gets paid!! Players, coaches, owners...nobody. And let's not forget the people who don't actually make big bucks off the sport--all the behind-the-scenes people, and those individuals who get paid to do things like clean the bleachers or the parking lot.
If you don't play this season, I truly hope NCAA football takes over Sunday. Then you guys can not get paid and I can still have my football.
I don't have a movie to review this week because Syfy showed an Indiana Jones marathon...culminating with the perfect shitstorm that was "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls". No, I'm not going to review that movie because, frankly, it irritates me too much. It was a movie I so wanted to be good and...well, it wasn't. I think that was the same summer I saw that awful Star Wars cartoon movie...nay, it was not one of Hollywood's more brilliant summers. I truly have seen movies on Syfy that were maybe as good as those two movies. For shame, George Lucas, for shame. You owe me...um...something.
Friday, June 24, 2011
We're not just bangin' rocks together here.
Alright. This last week's Syfy movie was Moby Dick...which I watched...part of, anyway. It starred Barry Bostwick, Renee O'Connor, and a CGI whale that seemed to vary in size as the movie progressed. I'd review it but, as I said, I watched part of it and then got bored and wandered into traffic for a while. It was not a great theatrical masterpiece. Instead, I choose the movie that was on before it.
Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Python vs. Gateroid.
The reason this movie even came on my radar (aside from the usual "giant thing vs giant thing" premise) is because it stars both Deborah Gibson and Tiffany (rival 80's pop tarts). And, instead of the monsters being the primary creatures fighting, we get Mega Gibson vs. Tiffanoid!
Sure, there is plenty of snake- and gater-related munching, chomping, and general mayhem. However, Gibson and Tiffany spend 95% of the movie arguing and bitchfighting. And it's wildly entertaining. The movie itself is very tongue-in-cheek because, let's get real, if they'd tried to make it a serious movie, it would have sucked more than Megamaid from Spaceballs.
Thankfully, the writers were smart enough to know that they could capitalize on cheesy 80's memories and created one hilarious masterpiece of bad CGI, bad editing, and bad acting. And, yes, we do get choice quotes like "I think we're alone now" and "only in your dreams". Ha!
The plot is very basic--right out of every children's book you've ever read. Crazy lady (snakelover) releases pythons into the wild. Crazy lady #2 (gaterlover) notices the sudden influx of large snakes and doesn't like it. Gaterlover feeds steroid-laden chickens to the gaters (and these steroids are super, far-out science stuff) which then grow to epic proportions.
Well, guess what? Snakes eat eggs...so they eat the gater eggs...and also grow to "oh shit, Tokyo is being destroyed!" sizes. And then the two fight it out...sort of. At some point, it seems they almost become friends--ignoring each other and going for the easy-to-kill soft, fleshy human meatbags instead. I mean, let's face it, we're much tastier than snake or gater, right? It's the logical choice.
So, as I said, the movie then focuses on Gibson and Tiffany sparring, pulling hair, slapping, tackling, screaming, rolling in mud, and throwing pies at each other. What a world!
Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Awesome parties: 1
Mysterious loners: 1
3 1/2 stars
(Also, blogger still sucks.)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Heh...obviously influenced by the popularity of the Ice Road Truckers cabler, this movie definitely...er...does something. I'm still not sure what that something is. It's not a great movie. But it's also not worthy of being buried in the desert with all those copies of the Atari 2600 game E.T. Maybe buried next to them...
So it stars all scabs who were probably grateful just to get cast in this movie, because none of them is a master thespian. I doubt they could even find a spot in Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark (which still holds steady in my "Top 5 Worst Titles Ever" category).
So these two truckers are in a friendly, unofficial competition to get the most completed trips and, of course, they're tied. They both volunteer for a dangerous haul of explosives along the (currently melting) ice road. One trucker: a seedy but dashing scoundrel. The other trucker: a handsome nice guy. For reasons I still can't figure out (because I wasn't paying close attention to the intricacies of this masterpiece) a chick wanted to tag along. She fulfills the role of "cute female scientist chick" only she's not as hot as the women they normally cast.
Of course, things go wrong at the dig site and some creature escapes. As usual, lots of running, screaming, and eating of people ensues. Later, there's an awesome speech by a coward how he'd totally sell everyone up the river if he got the chance. His speech is cut short by the monster-thingy. Both trucks crash and they have to hoof it in the snow while the monster takes a coffee break.
The CGI is bad...terribad. and the monster itself isn't the only CGI. At some points, the trucks were CGI...also terrible. I think the acting was CGI as well. All this might lead you to believe that Syfy had an awesome budget. False. Bad CGI is probably cheap. And this was abundant. I personally think they had a monkey creating the images on an Apple IIe.
Now, the fact that they were hauling explosives would lead you to believe that they would kill the monster by blowing it up, right? Yeah, that was my prediction. For once, I was wrong. Ah well. I got most of the movie right.
Here are your Drive-In Totals:
Cowards pulled under the ice: 1
Scrappy couples destroyed: 1
Construction crews demolished: 1
2 1/2 stars
Saturday, June 4, 2011
- I can exercise much easier with caffeine. This is no surprise.
- Caffeine withdrawal is a cruel bitch who will kick you in the head every chance she gets.
- I feel really good without caffeine, but still enjoy it (as I am drinking a soda right now).
- I have been using it as a crutch, convincing myself that I'm going to need it to get through "x" activity. Sometimes this is true. Much of the time, I'm just jonesing for it.
So, yeah. I plan to keep my caffeine intake much lower than it has been.
Also, I don't know if I say this enough, Blogger is a gigantic piece of crap.
That is all.
Monday, May 16, 2011
- Diablo 3. Yes...this one's rather obvious. Heck, I'm already looking forward to Diablo 4, and there's no guarantee there will be one.
- Duke Nukem Forever. Seriously...about a billion years in the making. Between when this game was started and present day: we've had three different presidents (two of them served two terms), I've gone through three jobs, the game Daikatana was released and, five seconds later, failed miserably, I've been through four PCs, and whole civilizations have risen and crumbled. (That's all estimation, by the way, and may or may not be accurate). The point is...this game has taken way too long and could be crappy. But I'm looking forward to the world's best pissing simulator, and to throwing poop at enemies. Yes. While many things have changed in that time, my childish behavior has not.
- Tribes 3. All I can say is "hell yeah, it's about time. Where ya been all these years?"
- Gears of War 3. Bring it. Let's find out what happens.
- Mechwarrior V. The first game I bought for my first real gaming rig was Mechwarrior IV. That was at least three computers ago (yes, I measure both time and expense in "PC" units).
Yeah, my gaming plate is going to be full. Honestly, though, I would probably trade it all...well, most of it for a copy of Portal 3...right now....you monster.
I owe you a movie review. Of that I'm well aware. This past weekend, I was out of town. So let's travel back in time...to the weekend before. I had seen "Thor" in the movie theater that Thursday. I enjoyed it. Wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, and I certainly wish I hadn't had to pay for 3D, but it was a fun movie. Contrast that with Syfy's offering that weekend--"Allmighty Thor", and it was like night and day--where "day" is a pretty tasty steak and "night" is an old boot...filled with pee...asparagus pee.
Honestly, I can't really even begin to regale you with the treasure that is "Allmighty Thor"...mostly because I spent a good few days trying to block it from my mind. I went to my happy place. But, try as I might, I could not escape. Really, watching this movie was like being poked by evil clowns wielding hot skewers, and being forced to listen to that "Friday" song over and over while peeing on an electric fence...and, yes, it's asparagus pee.
Basically, Thor is an idiot young punk who loses his hammer and has to find it again. But he's such a dimwit that he knows nothing about how to get it back. Fast forward to the end when he forges his own. A battle ensues, blah blah...zzzzzzzz. Seriously, that's about how the movie went. I think I played Minecraft through most of it, and I still wanted to chew my own head off (yeah, just try it). Because this movie deserves ZERO stars, I'm pretty much stopping there. The most humorous bit is that Syfy rushed to release this craptacular theatrical masterpiece to coincide with "Thor" in theaters. Really, Syfy? Really?
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Also, I just ate a box of Peeps that I suspect were made of sandpaper. Yep, I ate them. They were still delicious...in the only way that Peeps can be.
I realize that this might be old news to some but, well, this is just really funny...and sad (and I simply wanna post it). See, many of our congressmen suffer from "Idiotic Douchebag Symdrome" or, IDS. Its symptoms include extreme stupidity and the inability to have their heart beat without consciously thinking about it.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20001567-503544.html (Warning: Extreme stupidity)
So, without further ado...Syfy Presents: Ferocious Planet
(First of all, it is important to note that "Ferocious Planet" was followed by "Savage Planet"...which, to my disappointment, was not followed by "Super Delicious Candy Planet".)
Joe Flanigan, from Stargate: Atlantis fame stars in this latest offering from Syfy. It's not a complicated piece of cinema--top secret device is invented, goes awry and then shit gets real. Oh also, John Rhys Davies is in this movie, but barely...mostly, his butt and legs are. In addition, I recommend you look at his page on IMDB (follow the link) and check out his pic...it's awesome.
So, yeah. Some poindexters working for the government develop a special machine that allows them to peer into other dimensions. But, rest assured, they can only see into them. Oh wait...something mysteriously goes wrong and...you guessed it, transports them (and some of the building) into one of those dimensions. I've said it many times, but I'll reiterate...Much running, screaming, eating, and other general mayhem ensues. Really, much of this movie should have been set to some Weird Al song.
After they sit around, baffled, and some individuals die in hilarious ways, they formulate a plan. What's awesome is that they don't really know how they got to this dimension, but they know exactly how to get back, and that they have six hours to do so! Standing between them and success is miles of strange land inhabited by, essentially, tyrannosaurs with huge mandibles and multiple eyes...and acid and ammonia for blood. I bet they pooped little baby, laser shooting circular saws, too.
That's really pretty much it. These people stumble through the wilderness, getting picked off or wandering off on their own and failing at many things. I'm not entirely sure the movie was made in all seriosity, so I don't mind saying that I laughed a lot at it. Not that I'd really feel bad saying that about most Syfy movies. But I was always taught that you shouldn't laugh at train wrecks.
Anyway, here are your Drive-in Totals:
Monsters a' munchin': 4-10 (I lost count)
People a' screamin': 9 (I think...not everyone screamed)
Machines a' Misbehavin': 1
Senators a' Splodin': 1
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Alright. So my Internet service provider...their name rhymes with "SchMediacom"...they are essentially delivering me about 1/6th the bandwidth that I am actually paying for. I figured this all out on my own when my downloads were pulling in at about 50-100k/sec (instead of the 8-12 Mbps I should be getting). And, before you go making the joke...it wasn't porn--I was re-downloading my Steam games. The porn comes after the games. Time to rethink your priorities. (Disclaimer: I wouldn't have room for porn anyway...on account of all the games)
I called Medicaom's support once to get some help. Silly me. I really should've just beaten myself about the face with a sack of wet marmosets. I probably would've gotten more help that way. They sent out a tech. Tech said there had been lots of complaints but didn't really find anything (since my bandwidth drops like Mel Gibson's career only between the hours of 5 pm - 12 am--imagine that). So the connection still sucks.
And I call again...letting the tech know they can stow the bullshit because I am calling solely to complain. And what does this lady do? "Sir, I'll need you to bypass the router and..." Really? I guarantee I know more than all of their phone jockeys combined. But that's neither here nor there. I jumped through their hoops and--surprise--ANOTHER TECH is going to drop by tomorrow and chat! Boo!
My plan is to call one more time to complain if it doesn't clear up. And I will ask for a manager. And I will tell said overpaid monkeyturd that, since I get about 1/6th of the bandwidth that they promise, then they will get 1/6th of the money they charge me. Sounds fair to me. And, as I've specified through various other outlets, I submitted a complaint to the Better Business Bureau. Not that I expect it to actually affect anything, but I figure it's my civic duty to try to make their lives a living hell.
Also, Wanda Sykes may just be the funniest woman ever to be brought into existence. Dayum.
Alright, onto better things...depending on how you look at it.
Syfy Pictures Presents: Battle of Los Angeles
I really had to stop and digest this movie for a while. And I'm still not entirely sure I understand...well, any of it. Starring Nia Peeples (you may or may not know who she is, but her name is awesome), It really looks like Syfy made this movie, then saw the movie (in theaters) "Battle: Los Angeles", and there was a collective "Oh crap, our awesome idea was TAKEN BY HOLLYWOOD!!"
Well, not exactly. More like "Our piece of crap has almost the same name as this soon-to-be blockbuster! Put it out there NOW!" It's like going to buy a car and being offered a "Fjord" instead of a "Ford"...or a "General Mortars" instead of "General Motors"...or a steamy turd instead of a Saturn--no, wait...that would be a good deal after all. Nevermind that last one.
Anyhoo, the movie opens basically in the middle of an invasion. The big alien ship has already been hovering over the city and the air force has launched planes to attack. In true "Independence Day" style, Earth's forces get completely spanked and made to cry like babies while strange aliens that resemble something my friends and I, as kids, built out of a trash can and some Legos. One of them catches grenades and throws them back (which is awesome) and basically gives the Army the alien finger.
By then, however, it's already gone far downhill...like "Charlie Sheen tiger blood" downhill...so far and so fast that there is absolutely no going back. See, this pilot dude from the 1950s shows up in his airplane but, later, it turns out he's just one of those killer spheres from Hellraiser hiding out in the head of a fake dude. And then Nia Peeples, out of nowhere, jumps into action, stabbing alien spaceships with a katana and trying to be all mysterious and stuff. Then they kamikaze the massive alien ship with an old alien fighter ship (previously hanging in plain sight--JFK's idea) and meet up with a giant, ugly space worm. And THEN, they upload a virus to the alien ship with a Mac and a modem and...no, wait, that was Independence Day. But that was equally batshit ridiculous.
Blah blah, Drive-In Totals: blah blah
"Independence Day" moments: At least half the movie
Times I thought I was watching Dr. Who: 1
Times I wanted to slap someone: 10
Army dudes who just. won't. die: 1
1 1/2 stars
WTF did I just watch?
Friday, February 25, 2011
I don't normally give a crap, even with a large jackpot (this particular jackpot is worth about $184 million). And I'm going to win. Trust me. I mean, seriously, I can't lose! What are the odds I'd lose...I know, right?
So, anyway, since I will be a rich little bugger after tomorrow night, here is what I will do with it:
1. Pay off all debt.
2. Buy this Geek Chic gaming table. Sadly, my gaming life sucks, but this table is too damn cool to not have.
3. Be the cause of the Zombie Apocalypse (TM). Yes, I'm claiming the trademark. I started it...it's all mine, biatch.
4. Purchase a house or two for friends who really could use one.
5. Probably start my own business. I mean, seriously...if it fails, who gives a crap??
6. Executive produce my own Syfy movie about killer banana slugs versus mega-gnats. It's gold, I tell ya!
7. I'd pay Linkin Park to shut the hell up. I'd also throw some money at the Spin Doctors to continue shutting the hell up.
8. Buy Han Solo...yes, I'll pay Harrison Ford to stand in a glass case, posing as Han. Once carbonite is invented, that will change things up a bit.
9. Buy Wizards of the Coast (shouldn't be too expensive). Then I'll sell the D&D license to Paizo, who can then go on to do it justice and make D&D good again.
10. Pay someone to invent cartoon food, which will be the yummiest food ever.
11. I was going to put down "See a movie"...but I'm not sure $184 million will cover that expense.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I had a whole bunch of something I was going to say, but I've forgotten. So onto...
Syfy Saturday: Iron Invader
Every great once in a while, there comes along a gem--a diamond in the rough--a movie that makes you think there is hope for the Syfy network. Maybe they can make decent movies that don't deserve to be laughed at. Maybe...just maybe...
This movie is not that movie. In fact, this movie was hilarious. The heroes are hilarious, the town is hilarious. Heck, even the enemy is hilarious!
It would seem that life exists on other planets, and this life travels through space by hijacking a ride on Russian satellites. When one such satellite plummets to Earth, all hilarity lets loose and a small town becomes a hotbed of really bizarre alien activity.
It seems that the alien invaders resemble iron filings doused in green paint. Oh no!! The horror!! Run for your lives! Or, alternatively, you could just get a magnet and laugh as the poor aliens try to move! But I digress. So what do these aliens want? It would appear that they have a severe iron deficiency because they don't eat their veggies. So they "inhabit" metal and then suck the iron out of everyone's blood. Why can't they just suck the iron out of the metal they inhabit? no idea. They just can't. Stop making fun of them; they are very sensitive aliens.
The local junkyard guy, a.k.a. "the crazy old coot" is building a golem statue out of spare car parts for the town festival. How convenient! The aliens manage to inhabit the statue and head out for a wild party. This creates chaos, sorrow, and lots of running and dying and...well, other stuff. Yes, everyone runs away, screaming...from possibly the slowest monster ever to walk, er, lumber, the planet. Seriously. This thing is like running from a zombie...with no legs. And, yet, it still kills people. So whose fault is that?
Blah blah blah, people hide out in the bar and blow up the monster. Yay! Victory! Oh, wait...all the individual parts are now attacking! Boo! Why didn't they listen to me!? I told them this would happen. But nooooo...they never listen.
Anyway, the moster reassembles itself, probably because Syfy had a little bit of CGI budget left over and had to spend it. But, as it turns out, the aliens are recovering alcoholics and, by pouring booze on them, they die! Huzzah! Alcohol saves humanity! Let this be a lesson to us all.
Here are your Drive-in Totals:
- Stupid cops: 2
- Smart, cute female pseudo-scientists/love interests: 1
- Alien/human bar brawls: 1
2 1/2 stars
Sunday, February 6, 2011
In a bit, I'm going to deliver fresh-baked cookies to the three boys who dug me out of the snow. Then maybe I'll watch a little Puppy Bowl. :)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
C'mon already...how long does it take? Er, I mean...glad you're back!
So...2011. New year, new suck. Why's that? Let me get you caught up. Now would be an excellent time to make those "Wayne's World" flashback motions and noises.
In 2010: K had to undergo non-elective surgery, went through a six-month recovery, then found out she's allergic to just about everything except air. Her cat died. A very good Internet friend of mine passed away unexpectedly (I won't forget you, Moby), and the guinea pigs we surprised the girls with from Santa Claus died...as did their replacements.
Fast forward to this week. We'd been planning a Disney land/cruise vacation since mid-summer. When were we supposed to leave? Smack dab in the middle of "Bigass Disastrous Bitch of a Snowstorm Ha Ha". Needless to say our carefully-planned vacation became a failcation in a heartbeat. We had to scrap the whole thing. We have travel insurance, but it's really difficult to explain that to two little girls to whom I'd been talking up this vacation for months. We'd gotten a phenomenal deal and even, at the last minute, received a free room upgrade on the ship to a cabin with a freaking veranda!!! So, yeah, we get all that money back, right? Well, not quite. See, Southwest Airlines has refunded our money (which is good) but they've refunded it directly to my credit card (which is bad).
Why bad, children? We paid everything off in advance--done...100%. Well, my credit card has a balance...more than the refund. So, basically, part of my credit card gets paid off and we don't have the money to chip in for a future vacation...and my credit card still has a balance on it.
So we stayed at my in-laws' for four nights, cooped up and unable to really go anywhere. I helped install some wood flooring and otherwise tried to keep myself occupied. But I decided it was past time for me to get the hell out when the father-in-law started criticizing my prolific utilization of my iPhone. Though I tried to explain later that I had been tracking school closings, work closings, airport closings, airline schedules, register with the airline, and keep in touch with people back home so that I could determine if it was safe to return. Needless to say, it irritated me enough, nay, pissed me off enough to return home today, since I was already in a stellar mood from the failcation.
So I returned home ahead of the rest of the family so that I could dig out and attempt to go to work (long story short, no plow and lots of snow make me not able to get to work, but the driveway is clear!). All the roads are fine until I turn into our neighborhood. Wow. I can imagine snowplows taking a look at my neighborhood, crying like a little schoolgirl, and running away, screaming while simultaneously peeing its little snowpants. I try my best to navigate and see an oncoming SUV. I "sort of" pull over to let his big ass through and promptly get stuck. He proceeds to take up the entire road and pass me up, not even stopping to see if I need help.
Eight other cars do the exact same thing while I am trying to dig out. Home is just a hundred yards or so away, yet I'm stuck, with two impatient dogs in the vehicle. So asshole after asshole just passes me, watching, until three neighborhood kids come over with shovels and help me dig (I took a shovel and chipped in). I owe these kids cookies or something and, believe me, I'll pay up.
After taking one pass down my street (and finding nowhere to actually park due to the butt ton of snow) I pull into my next-door neighbor's shoveled driveway and make sure it's okay with him if I park there temporarily. K's dog (who is 40-50 pounds) freaks out when I let her out of the car and I have to carry her through 14-16 inches of snow. Meanwhile, my dog (a 7-lb papillon) bravely tromps through the snow, tunneling and bounding. *facepalm*
Almost there, I promise. No, really. Anyway, the shovel comes out and I promptly get to work. I'm badass. No, I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm a badass snow-shoveling, driveway clearing machine. Suck it, snow! I clear more than enough to get the vehicle in the garage. Soon, I notice my neighbor (across the road) trying to dig out. I help him. He's clear. Later, I notice a neighbor across the road and two doors down. Her SUV is stuck halfway in her driveway. I shovel out her car and push it to get it going. Then, after she leaves, I shovel the rest of her driveway. Back to my own. A lady two across the road and two doors down the other way is trying to shovel herself out, too. I promptly walk down and pitch in. After we've got a path for her car, work calls and I head back inside for a teleconference. Afterward, I shovel the rest of my driveway AND half the street in front. Yeah, badass.
So I'm feeling awesome helping all these people but I'm also a bit dismayed at their behavior. Sure, the guy across the street was thankful, but he never once offered to return the favor--not even for just a few minutes. And the last lady I helped received help from someone else and, when they were done, just stood and chatted and laughed while I was obviously shoveling my own driveway. I mean, seriously? Yeah, a bit disheartening. Faith in humanity: further lost (though I have hope for the three kids). I don't really expect thanks or payback for things I do--I do these things because I want to help. But, damn...I figured there would be one person who would be like-minded.
Alright, I think I'm done for now. I can't grip much or type well because my hands, arms, and fingers are tired. But it's all done. I can't really get out of the neighborhood so I hope that changes at some point. I would really like to just eat a moose and hibernate until spring. Can I do that?
Anyway, here's a pic. Believe me, it's more snow than it looks.
Monday, January 17, 2011
First of all, I think this whole "extra zodiac sign" issue is hilarious. Some people are freaking out about it. If your zodiac sign got changed, you maybe now know what the ex-planet Pluto feels like.
I could probably live for weeks off the crumbs that I just dumped out of my keyboard. Yeah, I know, right?
I wish that there was some way to reassure children that it really doesn't matter what kinds of names people call you in school.
I booted up and played through Master Of Orion II the other day. That game may be old and dated, but it's still super fun and holds up surprisingly well.
I made it back to the gym today after a few weeks of hideous allergies and a rather stupid-nasty cold. While it was great to be there, it was most certainly not pretty. The sooner I can run outside in the park, the better.
I got an e-mail from Toyota today. They were touting the newest Priuses to be released. One of those vehicles is their electric car. I love the idea of electric cars. However, this Prius (due out in 2012) only got a whopping 13 miles on the electricity. Seriously? That's, like, not even trying! I truly hope they're not planning on marketing that car, lest they be laughed out of the auto market altogether.
I'd really like to review Syfy's latest offering, Behemoth, but I only saw the last 30 minutes or so of the movie. From what I gathered, there was a moutain that was really a monster...and it ate some stuff and destroyed some other stuff and it was all like "Rawr!!!" and the people were all like "Aaaaaa!!!" and then more eating and destruction...and then some dude killed it with, you guessed it, a rocket. big surprise there.
Also, it had Cigarette-Smoking Man (William B. Davis) from the X-Files in it.