Friday, February 25, 2011

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I bought a lottery ticket.

I don't normally give a crap, even with a large jackpot (this particular jackpot is worth about $184 million). And I'm going to win. Trust me. I mean, seriously, I can't lose! What are the odds I'd lose...I know, right?

So, anyway, since I will be a rich little bugger after tomorrow night, here is what I will do with it:

1. Pay off all debt.
2. Buy this Geek Chic gaming table. Sadly, my gaming life sucks, but this table is too damn cool to not have.
3. Be the cause of the Zombie Apocalypse (TM). Yes, I'm claiming the trademark. I started's all mine, biatch.
4. Purchase a house or two for friends who really could use one.
5. Probably start my own business. I mean, seriously...if it fails, who gives a crap??
6. Executive produce my own Syfy movie about killer banana slugs versus mega-gnats. It's gold, I tell ya!
7. I'd pay Linkin Park to shut the hell up. I'd also throw some money at the Spin Doctors to continue shutting the hell up.
8. Buy Han Solo...yes, I'll pay Harrison Ford to stand in a glass case, posing as Han. Once carbonite is invented, that will change things up a bit.
9. Buy Wizards of the Coast (shouldn't be too expensive). Then I'll sell the D&D license to Paizo, who can then go on to do it justice and make D&D good again.
10. Pay someone to invent cartoon food, which will be the yummiest food ever.
11. I was going to put down "See a movie"...but I'm not sure $184 million will cover that expense.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


You know what I don't see much of anymore? Hummers. Hmmm...I wonder why. Someone ate it on that deal.

I had a whole bunch of something I was going to say, but I've forgotten. So onto...

Syfy Saturday: Iron Invader

Every great once in a while, there comes along a gem--a diamond in the rough--a movie that makes you think there is hope for the Syfy network. Maybe they can make decent movies that don't deserve to be laughed at. Maybe...just maybe...

This movie is not that movie. In fact, this movie was hilarious. The heroes are hilarious, the town is hilarious. Heck, even the enemy is hilarious!

It would seem that life exists on other planets, and this life travels through space by hijacking a ride on Russian satellites. When one such satellite plummets to Earth, all hilarity lets loose and a small town becomes a hotbed of really bizarre alien activity.

It seems that the alien invaders resemble iron filings doused in green paint. Oh no!! The horror!! Run for your lives! Or, alternatively, you could just get a magnet and laugh as the poor aliens try to move! But I digress. So what do these aliens want? It would appear that they have a severe iron deficiency because they don't eat their veggies. So they "inhabit" metal and then suck the iron out of everyone's blood. Why can't they just suck the iron out of the metal they inhabit? no idea. They just can't. Stop making fun of them; they are very sensitive aliens.

The local junkyard guy, a.k.a. "the crazy old coot" is building a golem statue out of spare car parts for the town festival. How convenient! The aliens manage to inhabit the statue and head out for a wild party. This creates chaos, sorrow, and lots of running and dying and...well, other stuff. Yes, everyone runs away, screaming...from possibly the slowest monster ever to walk, er, lumber, the planet. Seriously. This thing is like running from a zombie...with no legs. And, yet, it still kills people. So whose fault is that?

Blah blah blah, people hide out in the bar and blow up the monster. Yay! Victory! Oh, wait...all the individual parts are now attacking! Boo! Why didn't they listen to me!? I told them this would happen. But nooooo...they never listen.

Anyway, the moster reassembles itself, probably because Syfy had a little bit of CGI budget left over and had to spend it. But, as it turns out, the aliens are recovering alcoholics and, by pouring booze on them, they die! Huzzah! Alcohol saves humanity! Let this be a lesson to us all.

Here are your Drive-in Totals:

  • Stupid cops: 2
  • Smart, cute female pseudo-scientists/love interests: 1
  • Alien/human bar brawls: 1
  • Axe-fu
  • Engine-fu
  • Propane-fu
  • Foot-stabbing
  • Iron-sucking

2 1/2 stars

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Bring it!!!

So I had a post all ready to go about our family Super Bowl (copyright, NFL...please don't sue me!) curse. But it turned out to be depressing and lame instead of humorous. So I scrapped it. Instead I'm just going to sit on my ass enjoy the last day of football until August (unless you count the NFL draft...which I only sort of count). Heck, I'm never really sure if preseason counts.

In a bit, I'm going to deliver fresh-baked cookies to the three boys who dug me out of the snow. Then maybe I'll watch a little Puppy Bowl. :)

Game on.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Paying it Forward, Laterally, or Backward

Before we begin, I will warn you that this is not going to be a happy post--it may have a bit of pity in it. And it may be a bit lengthy. Also, my typing sucks, which I will explain later. So sit back and read on. Oh, and grab a snack first. I'll wait.

C'mon long does it take? Er, I mean...glad you're back!

So...2011. New year, new suck. Why's that? Let me get you caught up. Now would be an excellent time to make those "Wayne's World" flashback motions and noises.

In 2010: K had to undergo non-elective surgery, went through a six-month recovery, then found out she's allergic to just about everything except air. Her cat died. A very good Internet friend of mine passed away unexpectedly (I won't forget you, Moby), and the guinea pigs we surprised the girls with from Santa Claus did their replacements.

Fast forward to this week. We'd been planning a Disney land/cruise vacation since mid-summer. When were we supposed to leave? Smack dab in the middle of "Bigass Disastrous Bitch of a Snowstorm Ha Ha". Needless to say our carefully-planned vacation became a failcation in a heartbeat. We had to scrap the whole thing. We have travel insurance, but it's really difficult to explain that to two little girls to whom I'd been talking up this vacation for months. We'd gotten a phenomenal deal and even, at the last minute, received a free room upgrade on the ship to a cabin with a freaking veranda!!! So, yeah, we get all that money back, right? Well, not quite. See, Southwest Airlines has refunded our money (which is good) but they've refunded it directly to my credit card (which is bad).

Why bad, children? We paid everything off in advance--done...100%. Well, my credit card has a balance...more than the refund. So, basically, part of my credit card gets paid off and we don't have the money to chip in for a future vacation...and my credit card still has a balance on it.

So we stayed at my in-laws' for four nights, cooped up and unable to really go anywhere. I helped install some wood flooring and otherwise tried to keep myself occupied. But I decided it was past time for me to get the hell out when the father-in-law started criticizing my prolific utilization of my iPhone. Though I tried to explain later that I had been tracking school closings, work closings, airport closings, airline schedules, register with the airline, and keep in touch with people back home so that I could determine if it was safe to return. Needless to say, it irritated me enough, nay, pissed me off enough to return home today, since I was already in a stellar mood from the failcation.

So I returned home ahead of the rest of the family so that I could dig out and attempt to go to work (long story short, no plow and lots of snow make me not able to get to work, but the driveway is clear!). All the roads are fine until I turn into our neighborhood. Wow. I can imagine snowplows taking a look at my neighborhood, crying like a little schoolgirl, and running away, screaming while simultaneously peeing its little snowpants. I try my best to navigate and see an oncoming SUV. I "sort of" pull over to let his big ass through and promptly get stuck. He proceeds to take up the entire road and pass me up, not even stopping to see if I need help.

Eight other cars do the exact same thing while I am trying to dig out. Home is just a hundred yards or so away, yet I'm stuck, with two impatient dogs in the vehicle. So asshole after asshole just passes me, watching, until three neighborhood kids come over with shovels and help me dig (I took a shovel and chipped in). I owe these kids cookies or something and, believe me, I'll pay up.

After taking one pass down my street (and finding nowhere to actually park due to the butt ton of snow) I pull into my next-door neighbor's shoveled driveway and make sure it's okay with him if I park there temporarily. K's dog (who is 40-50 pounds) freaks out when I let her out of the car and I have to carry her through 14-16 inches of snow. Meanwhile, my dog (a 7-lb papillon) bravely tromps through the snow, tunneling and bounding. *facepalm*

Almost there, I promise. No, really. Anyway, the shovel come
s out and I promptly get to work. I'm badass. No, I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm a badass snow-shoveling, driveway clearing machine. Suck it, snow! I clear more than enough to get the vehicle in the garage. Soon, I notice my neighbor (across the road) trying to dig out. I help him. He's clear. Later, I notice a neighbor across the road and two doors down. Her SUV is stuck halfway in her driveway. I shovel out her car and push it to get it going. Then, after she leaves, I shovel the rest of her driveway. Back to my own. A lady two across the road and two doors down the other way is trying to shovel herself out, too. I promptly walk down and pitch in. After we've got a path for her car, work calls and I head back inside for a teleconference. Afterward, I shovel the rest of my driveway AND half the street in front. Yeah, badass.

So I'm feeling awesome helping all these people but I'm also a bit
dismayed at their behavior. Sure, the guy across the street was thankful, but he never once offered to return the favor--not even for just a few minutes. And the last lady I helped received help from someone else and, when they were done, just stood and chatted and laughed while I was obviously shoveling my own driveway. I mean, seriously? Yeah, a bit disheartening. Faith in humanity: further lost (though I have hope for the three kids). I don't really expect thanks or payback for things I do--I do these things because I want to help. But, damn...I figured there would be one person who would be like-minded.

Alright, I think I'm done for now. I can't grip much or type well because my hands, arms, and fingers are tired. But it's all done. I can't really get out of the neighborhood so I hope that changes at some point. I would really like to just eat a moose and hibernate until spring. Can I do that?

Anyway, here's a pic. Believe me, it's more snow than it looks.