Sunday, August 21, 2011

Dear Summer, GTFO

So, normally, August is my most detested month. It's hot, humid, there are no holidays and its just a miserable month. This year, however, I am declaring July to be my most detested month of the year. Sure, it has a holiday that gives us a day off, but it was so damned hot. It was what August usually is. Also, I've come to realize that August has some good point--preseason football and children returning to school. So, this year August, you get a reprieve. But don't presume to think that this lets you off the hook. I'm sure you'll be a jerk next year.

This year, the garden was quite a bit more successful than I had thought it would be. I neglected (mostly on purpose) to stake the tomatoes and it would seem they liked this a whole bunch more than previous years. The cherry tomatoes went bonkers. We never really got to do much with them because both G and T pretty much ate them like grapes. I can't complain about that, though. The jalapeno plants are producing and, hopefully, the pepper plants will follow suit. Next year I am going to start their seedlings in January.

You know what? Let's just get down to it...

Syfy Pictures Presents: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

That pesky megalodon (yes, the same one from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octoputs) is back and creating more problems for, well, everyone who doesn't want to be eaten. But, wait, it gets more complicated! As the title suggests, there is also a giant, prehistoric crocodile on the loose. But wait!! Yes, there's more! This giant "crocosaurus" is laying eggs!! Could it possibly get worse?? You betcha. Not only is there a giant shark, a giant, crocodile, and giant baby crocodiles, but the world also has to deal with Jaleel White! Yep. You read that right. Urkel is trying to save the world. We are all doomed. Kiss your ass goodbye, denizens of the earth.

No need to hear any backstory. The fact that a giant freaking shark and crocodile (I keep wanting to type "crocktopus") are on the loose should be more than enough for you. Besides, any exposition would simply detract from the awesomeness that is two giant prehistoric monsters destroying shit just to look cool.

So, anyway, Urkel, some scoundrel guy, and a CIA (or FBI or MTV or something) chick are trying to fight these two beasts. They spend most of their time inside a not-very-convincing helicopter, yelling at each other and being generally annoying as shit. At one point, their helicopter went down and I thought they had all died. Then disappointment hit when I realized they were alive. Honestly, I was sort of cheering on the giant monsters in this flick. They just looked like they were having so much fun. I wanted them to win, just so they wouldn't cry when they lost. I mean, seriously, the human population came up with so many lame plans to kill these monsters; I figured they were shoe-ins to institute the new world order!

And I, for one, welcome our megalodon-crocosaurus hybrid masters! Alas, it was not meant to be. The humans win in the end (presumably) and the shark and croc are left to hopefully plot to return another day.

In all honesty, this movie kinda sucked and it truly was because I hated all of the characters in it (except for the poorly CGI'd shark and croc). Ah well, it was certainly better than some of the crap Syfy throws at the wall.

Anyway, here are your Drive-in Totals:
Dead Australian chicks: 1
Dead miners: Somewhere areound 30
Baby croc swarms: 1
Ships wrecked: 2
Submarines eaten like a hotdog: 1
Egg-fu
Missle-fu
Torpedo-fu
People-smashing
Plane-chomping
Miner-munching

2 1/2 stars